[Monica1]

Be great to catch up with you all. I thought of you guys often when away. I am back and I am sorry to say it wasn’t a great holiday! That is two holidays now in recovery that haven’t been great! The thing about holidays is that we have a lot of vested interest in them and for me a lot of preparation for this one. Idi and I had both been inspired by the dr and Sarah’s posts but there was a reason the dr is popular with many Canadians and that is it’s accessibility. No brits there cos very inaccessible. Subject now of a complaint by the three of us including me that went, not 8 singles as the website said. And you couldn’t have put three more people together who just did t gel. The holiday company are never sending again anyone the route we went. It was so arduous in travel time. I was ill from day 3 to day 7 confined to bed and the stress of all the travel triggered my ibs big time. I completely lost my appetite out there with over-seasoned food for energy to flow again on my return today and my appetite returned. More to follow…
So what was good about it,

[Monica1]

This week has been a pivotal and busiest week of the year in my job but staying late all objectives achieved. I had such a long list of to dos before I go away tomorrow. Last night I went for a quick drink with Pete, we were both tired after the week but it was nice to see him and bailey. bailey saw me 100 yards away I had to laugh as he pulled hard the lead with pete all the way down the hill. It was nice to see pete. Someone in the pub said that he could tell we were a couple who loved the dog, like many he thinks me and Pete are an item but we are not. Nice daydream for a while.
Today I was supposed to have an early start at the but was too tired. The girls even though they were booked up fit me in for bikini wax and all other bits where one wants hair removed. I then went to the posh shop and bought a couple of bits. I hve greatly enjoyed shopping for classy clothes this year, enjoyed it more than wearing them! But most are actually saved for the hols, the. Dashed to m and s for a bit of food shopping, ordered my mums Mother’s Day flowers which’s fortunately won’t be delivered till Monday and the. Her birthday flowers for the 4th April, it was so all go. I went to the Internet cafe and wrote the letter to the inland revenue which is something I have put off for so long and couldn’t face. Sent it recorded delivery. Today it was odd because for the first time in many years I felt strangely attracted to the chap who runs the Internet cafe. I haven’t felt that in so many years, you know the odd feeling you get when you kinda like someone and go a bit self conscious. Weird. He is a bit like Pete, that might be why, The girls in the beauty shop who I have become great pals with say it is because I am looking after myself.
I know that when I come back i will be entering a different phase, it will be gym for the tummy and teeth and debt repayments which will take a big chunk of my income for quite a few years. I have my summer lovely wardrobe and the extravagance will stop. I think I have been this extravagant because I know what is to come with debt. Only took me 20 months gf to get to this stage, with still a long way to go. I am keeping to my priority debts, the others I haven’t even touched yet. My sister texted and her husband has got most of the ppi as it was in his name but he has given her a couple of grand which I know will help her a lot. Off tomorrow and still much to do.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. I also read yours every day. Your boss seems to want so much when he asks u to look for your own replacement! And then being unappreciative. Well Liz, walk away as soon as you can. I admire u for looking after your granddaughter. I could definitely not do that and think that’s pretty amazing.

[Monica1]

Even though in 2 weeks I will be 20 months gf I know I need to keep up with support. Can never be complacent. Ever. Only vera, steev and idi post these days. Where’s vera?

[Monica1]

It was the last showing that I went to. No bother in selling the ticket, queue of people to get in.

[Monica1]

The week was hectic as usual but went ok. Yesterday I went for my usual fortnightly facial and massage and did a bit of final shopping for my holiday next weekend. Got my u.s esta thing through for entry into the country. Feels like I am going on an adventure. My sister paid me back 600 of what she owes me today. I am very pleased for her that things have panned out and say she must buy a new wardrobe, something she has not been able to do in years but something I have spent quite a lot of time on this year. I will write the revenue letter before I go, have struggled with the time to write this.
Today I just knew that pete would forget about the play and he did. I barely made the 4pm start as I had to rush to an I tenet cafe to print out the tickets. But I ended up leaving my phone there so I could t phone him to remindhim as had got to the theatre when I realised I had left my phone in the cafe.mental note, fix my bloody printer at home, wou,d have saved a lot,of bother. I went to the first half, and it was powerful stuff, tiny tiny theatre of 40 seats. Left at the inter Val and sold his ticket. Went back to the Internet cafe and found my phone thank goodness. Pete was miffed he had missed the play but all’s well that ends well. We will meet up on Friday. Feeling ok and pleased that I made the effort to see the play. Seize the day.

[Monica1]

I wasn’t aware that the head injury you had had such a big effect aside from the insula we spoke about. The motivation will come and what we cannot achieve today we can tomorrow. Be patient and kind with yourself. You r in early recovery and there is a depression about how we let ourselves get so far down the slippery spiral. But that is the past, it has gone and all we can do is work recovery one day at a time. Gambling isn’t fun, period. Every human beiNg alive makes wrong choices in life. What is important is how we get up and out of the mire we created for,ourselves. For me, it will take many years, if it ever does, but I try not let that spoil my days. Others are more fortunate. And I put you in that bracket. What happened to your internet devices? As Charles would say, recovery is progressive. It does get better.

[Monica1]

And to a gf year ahead!

[Monica1]

How r u?

[Monica1]

I would like your advice steev on how you managed over 20 years to pay off your debts. My big debts r so big that I struggle to deal with them and I put these off because a) require long letters and evidence that I don’t have the time to do and b) I don’t think I can pay them off before I retire. So putting off the inevitable which advice has always been bankruptcy. But I wondered how you had the patience over 20 years, cos I don’t have that and pay g out huge amounts of money every month on debts I find I can’t begin the uphill struggle of the big debts. Have sorted out the smaller ones ie keeping my home etc.

[Monica1]

God has not forsaken you. I went through all of that as the one of the causes and also the effect of my gambling ie a loss of faith. We need to pray and surrender to our higher power and it does help us over time. I will pray for you. You work situation sounds intolerable. Acceptance of our situation as it is is important and then we can make a plan to change it. Gambling and the losses keeps us stuck in a downward spiral and women problem gamblers tend to have a bad habit of turning their anger about situations inward and self harming through gambling. Can u get counselling anywhere? You need help to express how u feel and work through those feelings of anger, frustration and pain.

[Monica1]

Stay in bed all day Saturday except for a brief walk to the local shop in the evening and do a group. I read through all my posts which takes a few hours to see how far I have come. Quite a journey which always seems to be tempered with the debt issues. I open a letter on Sunday morning which is a court summons for council tax when I have paid what they asked and they said it wouldn’t be issued. I almost blow a gasket. These people never listen and just dish out letters willy nilly. Also they have put the total debt back up to 10k when it was 7k before. I know I have had enough of this nonsense.
Pete calls then for a chat and his sisters husband has cancer. He says he can’t call as doesn’t want to hear the situation. His mum, dad and one of his sisters passed of cancer on Boxing Day, so I understand it is tough for him.we agree to meet up for the Martin Luther king play. I go shopping for swimwear and on the bus my friend with the large tumour which is cancer or not cancer, but treatment still the same ie chemo. And radio whichshe won’t do rings me when I am on a bus on the way. The tumour is breaking up on homeopathic treatment and she has lost a lot of blood. I am concerned but she is seeing a surgeon tomorrow. I hope all goes well, she may need a transfusion but won’t do that. This puts 3verything in perspective for me really. I buy some swimming buts, two in a size up and swear blind on my return it is back to slimming world where I lost a good bit of weight years ago. My son intrudes in my shopping, with a call, locked out again so I finish shopping quickly and go home.
I sleep early at 8pm after a nice bath, hence awaking early this morning.
The debt issues r getting me down but I must plough on.

[Monica1]

Nice to see that steev has been providing support to you. Just to say, l,ease do t think you are in the worst position. There are plenty worse. I started gambling at 54 for fiveand a half destructiveyears. I owe about 100k and I am 19 months gambling free. I nearly lost my home, and had committalto prison proceedings to fight off for non payment of a government tax. Now, my life has got better in recovery from a deep dark hole, I was also,physically ill from the stress. There is a way out and it is called recovery. What you do is the best and most simple advice. Take one day at a time. Gambling for a big win to addicted gamblers is a big fat lie. Surrender to your higher power, whatever you believe thatto be. Gamblingis truly a progressive illness, it just gets worse and it takes so much more than our money.
Find help and support through groups here, GA or counselling. There are always deep rooted reasons why we gamble to destruction. The pain you describe I felt in early recovery, I had a lot of pains and the counselling process helped to release some of that pain. Be kind and gentle to yourself. You are worthy of love and loving yourself.
There is a way out of this mess

[Monica1]

The week has flown by. I start the Keto diet on Monday, tues and weds. Incredible the foods in m ans s all have sugars in, even those you think sugar should have no place in. I eat Greek salad for lunch and cheese omelettes for tea. I wake up Thursday feeling sick from the fat. Weight loss meant to be rapid but not an oz. so i stop. Not the way for me, sooner or later the fat willtrigger ibs.
Hectic week in what is the busiest time of year at work. Quite a few frustrations. I ca t even RE her the week it was that busy. On Thursday I tell my boss I will accept the job. Something in me really wonders whether this is the right thing but I think it is. Intuitively I get the feeling that unemployment and poor pay will rise. I read an article on small businesses going bust because of this pathetic governments massive hike in business rates. This is actually robbery from the government now. Plus the pension for just a few years with the 14 per cent work contribjtion will repair some of the damage from when I cashed In A small pension and blew it gambling. I know what the job comes with and although they would prefer I start soon, I say that I will see my co ntract out. I can always change my mind. It will be much less take home than I am used to but hey. Better than benefits.
On Friday we were meant to get glammed up for a work staff prize do, 9000 employees in Wembley stadium, bobby Moore room. I don’t have time to get glammed up and just change my top. All my good things are packed away in readiness for my hols. I am almost too tired too enjoy it but the team I am part of win unsung heroes of the year. Nice meal and I sort of enjoy it. I leave at 9.30 and for the second time this week go the wrong way on the tube. Is this an omen? I get home at half 11 and conk straight out to sleep. I dream early this morning which I hope vera interprets. I am on the operating table, someone who is a friend I do not know says she had a funny feeling about this op, it is a gynaecologist one although in life nothing wrong there. I admit I have a funny feeling too. I wait for ages for the anaesthetic and then when it goes in I don’t go to sleep. Then I wake up. Vera?.
The on.y other thing this week is I apply on line for the esta pass to fly to the US on route to DR. It takes about 7 attempts. I fly to New York en route, which isn’t really en route and the flights are 8 hours and then 5 hours going back in time. I ask my boss for an extra day as flight doesn’t get back till a day later as move forward in time with a 4 hour stopover again in New York.
I text Pete to say play about Martin Luther king which I know he will be interested in at the small local,pub theatre and he says would like to go. It is our local pub but they have built a small theatre. That’s all for this week. I am sure many other things, do group last night here, nice to meet new members.

[Monica1]

Update on your travels, noticed you posting on others threads but not yours! Expect the weather was ghastly like here, wind and rain.

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