[Monica1]

Good luck with your exams on Tuesday.
Did the counselling line really say that or r they only able to deal with simple things? Is it you telling yourself u r too broken? Because no one is too broken to turn it around.
I get what u say about the docs, The system is in a mess but all surgeries have a process for urgent appointments even if it takes hanging on the line or pitching up first thing in the morning.
There r some difficult days no doubt in recovery with Health and debt issues that I also know more than most but don’t give up. Tomorrow is another day and good things can happen.
I don’t have a car, dont drive and I rent my home. Yes, I blew a lot of money to destitution but I don’t spend wasted time in regret over those things. For me it was a huge learning about myself. There really is only now and dealing with the now.
Keep posting sherrie, we missed u when u didn’t post.

[Monica1]

Triggers?
I remember from conversations u were concerned about your husband. What happened? Hope to catch u in chat, do t often go on chat but will make an effort. Good u r back here.

[Monica1]

Great to hear from you vera and laura. Really good. Vera will post on your thread. Last night I thought I would watch Netflix. Are there any good inspirational movies on there? So much rubbish. Anyway I thought I would watch a Louis Theroux documentary about three young people facing their mortal end. It was very well done and all about where hope stops and was very revealing. It made me think deeply One who was brain dead made a full recovery eventually but the family refused to give up hope, the second had about a week to live with chronic myeloid leukaemia, got married and even though there was no hope his docs decided to give him chemo once more and he died one day later. The third was where the whole group of surgeons told a young man no more treatment, time to go to a hospice delivered in a very bad way which gave him no hope and he passed six weeks later. I learned here that When docs say go home there’s no hope, 9 times out of ten it is true. Which led me to thinking about peters sister and sure enough this morning I get the call from pete to say she had passed this morning. Now pete was meant to see her Sunday but did t go thinking he had time but it turns out there wasn’t and he felt dreadful about that. He went to work as he just couldn’t bear to think about it. I prayed for Diane and her family, around six weeks from diagnosis to the end. Her other sister it was about two to three months from on diagnosis to the end. So, in gratitude I am because we have life and it is a gift that can so quickly be taken away.
Long day at work. Still feeling ok on diet.

[Monica1]

I posted a response set and promptly lost it. Yes, I love books too, always have. When I saw my mum last weekend she reminded that pre school she used to take me to the nurses home where she worked as a hospital domestic and one of the matrons saw me reading a book sitting on the stairs and asked me if I could read. And I could pre infants at 4.
Well, lovely day yesterday following a difficult week with both my sons, Kai with his gambling debt and Ben I found crying in his room earlier in the week. He has girlfriend problems but also overextended himself on a massive loan and now with the reduced wage, can’t pay it. Went to stepchange and they recommended an IVA. He told a fib about his rent cos he doesn’t pay anything but Pays a lot of maintenance towards his children. I am not sure how I feel about that. Puts the kybosh on home owning. I suggested he thinks long and hard about it, but 550 a month on a high interest loan not doable. Don’t know what he was thinking when he did that.
But my day yesterday was really nice. Went to the beauty salon and had eyelash extensions put on and they looked quite nice. Then went walking round Covent Garden which was very very busy. All the posh shops, Dior, Chanel, now I would not shop in those, beyond my reach… lots of circus acts and living statues entertaining the crowds. I went to Charlotte tilbury for my makeover. I don’t wear makeup so asked for something very light and bronzed and in half an hour, perfecto. They greet you with a glass of prosecco, much better than going to Mac. I felt great and then went to meet pete for a drink, who didn’t notice at first, just said, you look well. I thought I would experiment and say that I had seen someone I liked (actually I have but don’t know him at all, so he could be married with ten kids for all I know). He knew the chap I was talking about by sight and said initially, don’t shit on your own doorstep, charming… and then later on the walk home, said I feel quite uncomfortable at the thought of you with someone else. And it is just a thought at this stage, nothing concrete there at all. So, doesn’t want to be with me but does t want me to be with anyone else either. I suspect I feel the same way about him. How weird is that, but I guess a common phenomena. Well, all in all a lovely day, on a very warm summers day, after a somewhat difficult week both at work and with my sons.
Oh, and my diet still working, all normal, I ate in wagamamas for the first time yesterday, just a bit of fish, miso broth and ramen. That is now two weeks all normal, although I had two glasses of wine last night and I still baulk when I swallow it, so I guess I have to maybe stick to prosecco if I have a drink as seems very light on the tum.

[Monica1]

Did 10 o clock group and then read till 1am on a book I borrowed from my sister,a fictional story based on the titanic and real people. I couldn’t put it down. Woke up late and late for work but ensured I plied my son with juices. Before I leftTonight when got home at least three to four bottles gone and one left for me. yea!
Hard day dealing with all the issues that continually arose with my bosses being off. Left work at 6.30 and signal failure on tube so Stopped off at Victoria on way home and tried to eat second meal in about Six weeks. Slowly digesting it, takes ages but so far so good. A bit like a blocked sink.
My eldest son went to step change and they recommended an Iva. He has overcommitted himself credit wise and says he feels lost in his life. I said we are only lost when we think we have to do it all by ourselves and asked him to pray for guidance. Puts the kybosh on buying a house. They were too quick to advise this way and I suggested he thinks about it and mulls it over. Spent 75 quid in Dorothy Perkins on a dress and three tops. Bargains.
Absolutely pooped tonight so going to bed early (ish).

[Monica1]

Yes, the diet is working ty. No cramps on raw and plant food supplemented with pressed juices. And u r right it is baby steps dealing with the things we find ourselves facing.
I went to my mum and sisters for the weekend which went quickly. It was pleasant enough, same old really, and there is something about same old that can be quite reassuring but my brother in law was also same old.. ocd and hugely annoying. Saw my niece and her son. Having gone bankrupt many years ago, she is now buying her council house and doing well. I am pleased for her. My sister having now become financially ok is back on the gin and has put on weight with a huge tummy. How does one approach these things, I don’t know… it is a difficult conversation. This week has been full of them. it was good for me to be ok and I had my first chicken dinner meal in weeks which was delicious and was ok. I went to the docs before I went, every blood test going and an abdominal scan. He gets it isn’t just the ibs label but hey, on the diet I am getting better. I was tender round the left kidney so we will see. I congratulated him on getting it right. They rarely do.
Whilst at my sisters, my mum asked me to go to the shops and get her some scratch cards. It took my sister and I to say hellooo, please dont ask that and she didn’t get it. Well she is 85 with very selective hearing.
My eldest son this morning had a fever but still worked. I have bought tons of juices to ply him with and advised him to stop binge drinking at weekends and do a cleanse.
And my middle son who is on a freebie casino cruise called me at work. He has crossed the line and he knows it. He has built up 1100dollars on his cruise card gambling and he has no funds to pay. I told him how much this was and how long I had to work for it. He said he is self excluding now as he knows he has crossed the line. I said what would u have done if no one could bail you out and that he was asking me to pay his gambling debts. He has work on his return so I know he will pay me back. But that isn’t the point. He is not suited to GA or anything like that so it is what would anyone else have done in the same situation. I cannot just leave him to face the music can I?
Chickens coming home to roost this week.

Well this week at work with both my bosses away two brewing situations for weeks came to a head. Awkward people situations.

I feel just a little sad but I will be ok. I do t do conflict so will see what solutions come up..
Y

[Monica1]

Thank u for your post on my thread. I also haven’t been here much either except for reading daily People’s threads and occasionally posting. I would like to do celebrate recovery but I couldn’t get round their website. Considering that I will be two years clean in August (can you believe that?). I miss our chats but find group in week too late. Went to do 10pm last night and it was, of course, at 11. Too late in work week.
Because of severe gut issues I am on a raw food diet, raw juices, soups, pro biotics , NAC which is evidenced to destroy the biofilm of h pylori and mastic gum which also destroys h pylori. Porridge with manuka. Low fat, no sugar or dairy. It is working for me. I eat small. Today I had a vegan Caesar salad from m and s, for example. Radical change for me but it’s working!
Finding ones passions, I think your vocation is one for u as is work for me really. Like running girl I am an avid reader and lifelong student. I am passionate about recovery and getting well.
I hope we chat soon. X

[Monica1]

I am Ok. Tried to eat a small cottage pie as first meal on Sunday and had just a very mild attack on Monday morning. The cramp was 80 per cent reduced. I knew it was wrong as soon as I tried it. Shoulda checked the ingredients, 31g fat. I had very good energy levels at work today. This diet is yielding benefits. Just to have a cramp free day is a joy.
Called pete and he is ok. His sister is at home bedridden. To be ok in April and the next month to be unable to walk is awful but she is bearing up and he said she has accepted it. I think what I find difficult is they spend all this time diagnosing you and then say go home nothing to be done. The church r all praying for her which I know is meaningful.
I am drawn towards a raw food diet for now.
Making the most of each day.

[Monica1]

Well yesterday I weighed myself, I eat hardly anything and I put on 2lbs. It’s bread folks, that’s all it can be. But still 10 lbs less than when I went away. Benefit of hindsight I can’t drink and that’s all people wanted to do when away plus only sugary drinks available when needed to drink something. Need to think very carefully if I choose to go on holiday again. This last one finished me on that front for a while.
So, I am different. Like rg I am lactose intolerant. From being able to eat anything up to age 59, I now have to stop all dairy and sugar, and high fat.
Yesterday I went for a facial and again was told my skin was very soft, which is nice when our efforts are noticed. I booked a makeover at Charlotte tilbury. I don’t wear make up but as I am looking at everything I might as well try that for fun. Had acupuncture at my Chinese guy and deliberately booked for another 3 weeks ahead as am phasing it out. It helped but not that much, it needed other changes to take place. He said again, you don’t look unwell, you always look very smart. Nice. I then took my iPad to the iPad hospital. I wanted to do group on Friday but my iPad packed up and it cost be 70 quid for replacing a small part ie the charging port which was loose. Apparently on phone and iPads these r the first things to go as we have to charge them up so often. Amazing how bereft I felt without my iPad. Use it for tv, ie Netflix, look up 100 things a day and do most of my shopping on it.
Spoke to my son who co big back from Chicago is off on a free cruise with a friend all poker related, lent him 100 quid which I know I will get back when he is back working on his return.
Watched Eurovision. Wrong song won and poor old brits last again. My, how Europe hate us? It was not deserved.
Today the house is a tip as neither my son or I have washed up for a day and the sink is full. I have some work to do today.

[Monica1]

Thank you for sharing your story. Takes courage to do that. Will catch up with u soon.

[Monica1]

Appreciate your posts. No, I don’t have a diagnosis Steev but I am trying to sort this out now on my own with the radical change of diet and the natural therapy regime. I will get a referral if this doesn’t work or I lose too much weight. And where I work specialises in this kind of problem so can get seen there. But so far so good now for one week. I only eat very small amounts and soup and toast in the evening plus supplementation for the vits I don’t get from the diet.
Worked from home today. Slightly annoying as my phone is very old and I tried to upgrade to an I phone for 30 quid a month and turned down as bad credit. So I am buying one. So stupid and going with gif gaff who seem to have good deals. Peters sister was sent home when I last spoke to him which doesn’t sound good. I will ring him over the weekend. In many ways I have had quite a lot to contend with and haven’t felt able to provide support. But I will try and rectify that.

[Monica1]

Well, 10 days since I last posted. Did anyone notice? To be honest, I havent felt like posting. Even though this journal is for me to write and express it is nice to get support and others perspective. But all quiet.
Potted summary of past ten days. The diet I have been on which was low fat, no dairy and no sugar changed to very light soups and fluids with toastin evening only after another attack last Thursday. I think the intensity of just eating an omelette and the intense spasm not just of guts but throwing up too made me determined not to experience that again so I have gone to war on my health issues.
I have porridge with manuka in morning and first thing wheatgrass shots. They really help with energy and alkalising the body and I have had much more energy despite the diet. . I also take a powerful probiotic and magnesium. I had to do it. Tomorrow I start natural remedies for h pylori. NAC destroys the biofilm protective barrier of h pylori and mastic gum destroys the bug. I have continued to work.
On holiday I lost 5lbs and all in all I have lost 12 lbs. it is great as I had gone up a size pre holiday and now I am just about 8 lbs off my ideal weight. I had a small worn taco last night and all good. My son cooked it. It is working out well with my son here.
The clothes shopping is done now as I knew it would be on my return from the holiday from hell. I have focused on buying things for the home, a microwave, new bedding, an omelette maker and soup maker and grow your own wheatgrass kit. A dressing table for my bedroom. wheatgrass is such a powerful alkaliser for the body. The next phase is upgrade all IT in the house, my middle son has a new pc for me. I want to make the home a nice place for my son to live in and my grandsons to stay. It was good to spend the money I have on things to live a more comfortable life.
I got a letter back from the inland revenue to make an appointment to discuss three years worth of tax returns. I am Ok with this. I went to my grandsons birthday party last week which was nice with my daughter coming up to London.
All in all. Radical change of diet and a war on getting rid of my stomach and gut problems that have plagued me for two and a half years now. This has been along and arduous recovery journey but I mean business now in my journey back to health. No pangs for sugar or overeating. Not having these cramps and problems is reward enough.

[Monica1]

Well today whilst living on broth and water, ordered a lot of things for the house which makes a change for me. A Henry hoover cos the upright I got a whole back never worked properly, quilts, sheets and covers, pillows a rug for my bedroom, a microwave. All things that are needed. If I am to be stuck at home and not able to go,out much then it is going to be comfortable.
Spoke to Pete on the phone tonight. His sisters brain tumour is inoperable but today she is comfortable and she will be transferred across to Kings soon. I am pretty sure that that neurosurgery centre there will be things they can do to shrink the tumour.
He said to meet up when I am well enough.
I can still walk as I did slowly to the shop this evening. The episode lasted about four hours last night. It isn’t a bug, I know that. It remains a mystery.

[Monica1]

Thanks. I thought things had turned a corner but I was as ill yesterday night with d and v as I was when I was at Poulstone court ie gm rehab in January 18. Everything cancelled today which included seeing Pete. Too many things cancelled for me because of my stomach and colon. I had not broken the diet and only ate a Spanish omelette which 8 am usually safe with. Back to soup and water. . So despondent and will get a referral to specialist doc. Ibs this is not.

[Monica1]

Another frustrating work day on Friday. Same problem with IT. My boss escalated it at director level and nothing… anyway, I sometimes think I am quite slow in adjusting to modern technology but last night I subscribed to Netflix and enjoyed back to back Luther. I really like iris Elba. He reminds me of pete, same ethnicity and a beard plus hugely flawed, seems to e my type of man..
Today I go for a pedicure and massage. Lovely massage. In the middle of my pedicure pete rings and says two,words, it’s terminal. She has a brain tumour. I wasn’t expecting that although I had a feeling.
Pete comes from a large family of ten, mostly brothers. He only lost his sister Boxing Day 2017. And now he is about to lose another. The sisters in the family are the strong ones but what the hell do I know. He lost his dad, mum and now 2 sisters to cancer, I could feel his,worry and agitation. He was reminded as we all are our mortality and like me when someone close has illness, we get symptoms, well I do anyway. I prayed to our Heavenly Father for healing for the whole family. I will call him tomorrow and see if we can have lunch.
I go for acupuncture and my Chinese guy says my pulses are getting stronger. No more herbs which we will save for acute things. Fortnightly acupuncture now and stick to the diet which seems to be doing a lot of good. I go for a meal I know I can tolerate after where they do a mean Spanish omelette and new potatoes. No problem with eggs at all…

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