[Monica1]

Can u not take annual leave? I hope u find the programme helpful. I certainly did even though I was sick for most of the first and missed the second thru work. But it helped me no end.
I will never forget those reels spinning for days in my head after a particularly long session. Awful!

[Monica1]

In the period when I wasn’t seeing Pete I did three profiles on dating websites. I didn’t join or subscribe but posted an old photo of me, ha ha, one six years old and the other 15 years ago. I did get a lot of responses but I can quite honestly say it really,isn’t for me, my heart just wasn’t in it. Trawling through tons of photos and they were all no’s. Guess that just isn’t my direction of travel. Felt really bored doing it and the reviews of all these sites are awful. They just take your money and do nothing.

[Monica1]

Wow, haven’t posted for a while.
Well, I came back in Sunday night from four days and three nights in Newquay staying in a very expensive spa overlooking the famous mistral beach. Most beautiful views I have ever seen outside sea view room. went with my daughter. Flew with Flybe and the cost was astronomical.
Had lots of treatments and bought some Elemis products. Very nice break. Broke the diet but was ok. Back on it again now.
Saw pete last night as we needed to have a talk, was a bit apprehensive but this lady he sees from the church Is just a friend. Previously I told him I would not see him if he was having a thing with her. We had a fun evening. He said that when he saw me in the street he would have preferred to go for a drink with me instead of her. I said he was in my heart and he said I was in his soul. How strange but so very true.
I have downloaded that computer game and spent 70 quid on it. Need to watch that.
I am now permanent in my job and monthly pay instead of weekly, spent a small fortune at the spa but well worth it. My daughter lives scraping by so I paid for the lot. It was fab to have a nice break, so much better than the last two disasters. We plan on going away with the family a lot more.

[Monica1]

So good to hear from you and thank you for your post on my thread. I knew you were gambling. Just knew it. You let it in and it’s a beast to shake off once we do.
as you say, It’s not easy let go but we have to and so do you of gambling.
I am having to let go completely and cut off all ties. So do you…

[Monica1]

So good to hear from you. My good friend who hits the nail on the head. Yesterday I felt sad but texted first thing in the morning to say how I felt , I was honest and that I was thinking of cutting all ties. But finding it difficult. And he didn’t answer at all. Which reminded me of what he does when he doesn’t want to deal with something hoping it would go away. I think I do need to cut ties, I really do, and maybe this is what I should have done all along. I had a gut attack yesterday morning, first one in six weeks, but it was so much more reduced and the lain 80 per cent reduced, but it lasted three hours.
Today I gave it all to God and had an ok day. Feeling much better. You are right. It is hard to let go. But let go I must.

[Monica1]

Funny you should mention it idi. I had a nice weekend until this evening. Spent yesterday relaxing and getting new glasses. Spoke to my friend and she was diagnosed in Birmingham with cancer and advised chemo and radiotherapy. She refused chemo and they are just cracking on with radiotherapy.
Today I went and got my haIr coloured and cut and when I was there text from pete to ask to go out for a Drink. I was in foils so texted him 25 mins later to say ok, meet at 8.30. He then half an hour later cancels as his family asked him to help move some furniture. I actually felt really angry and it took me back to when we were together and he would let me down in some way. I told him don’t call me I’ll call you. And really I calmed down half an hour later, feeling a bit confused as to how I felt. Normally this wouldn’t bother me that much. I considered telling him that it is better not to see each again other and cut off ties. And anyway, meant I could watch the handmaids tale and love island. ha… but then I thought better of it and to sleep on it. I feel weird about all of this and genuinely don’t know why I can’t just cut off all contact to protect myself.

[Monica1]

Worked from home today but find very little time on my hands, something to do all the time. However I went to gym and aqua aerobics this evening. I have booked a luxury 3 day spa break in Cornwall for myself and my daughter. An expensive treat.
I have thought about what to say to Pete and reflected on it all week. It did bother me but I think if he is seeing someone then he can’t see me. It wouldn’t be fair on anyone.

[Monica1]

I think you have summed up well the self care that comes eventually to us In recovery.

[Monica1]

Saw this just before I go to work this morning. Helpful, ty.

[Monica1]

Ok busy day at work. On way home waiting for the bus I see pete in the street on his way to buy some cigs. He is in the pub with a woman he had an interest in and says he now isn’t interested in her as she put him off in some way. He smells of booze. We agree to meet up at the weekend.on bus I see guy I had a slight interest in, havent seen him for a month. I am thrown by Pete a bit and we exchange some pleasantries and find out he lives 5 doors down from me.
My parcel came back to me today, it was a Christian book I get free from tbn. it has been opened but I guess they weren’t interested in it.
I feel slight undercurrents of emotion that Pete is moving on and realise how ridiculous this is. But nevertheless it is there. Hmmmmmm….

[Monica1]

It is t always easy living with ones eldest son. Last week great to see the grandkids, but it coincided with one of the most stressful weeks at work, cleaning up others mistakes. Noisy at night and at midnight playing the guitar and singing with the kids when I am trying to sleep. I get over that and today find my diet waterbased porridge all gone and a dish in the sink with milk based porridge that I catch a smell of and vomit as that is what milk based products seem to do to me. We sort all that out but as I say, it isn’t easy.
I open letters and now bankruptcy seems inevitable but it is a question of when is the best time.i can string it out for a long time. I would sooner not but I will be paying off big numbers even when retired. I am not going to do that. So maybe the sooner the better. I am not scared of it anymore. My son is doing an Iva and I think look ahead post Brexit and we will be seeing many more company and personal insolvencies. The biggest credit card debt sends me a letter to get a mental health professional to complete. It is quite heavy duty and I won’t fill it out or get anyone else to complete. They can foxtrot Oscar, as we say in work.
I will be two years gf next month and the debt overhang will be there for many years to come. But hey we are a,ive, it is a new day and there is always hope. It is only money at the end of the day and I know enough now to value life itself.

[Monica1]

Well today was a lovely day after a stressful working week. Long hours and a few times I wondered why I am going permanent imminently. I had two prosecco last night, unheard of…
My son got a placebo effect from the antidepressants, on day 1 he got his mojo back and cleaned the house. He cleaned the house and took his sons to my daughters and To my granddaughters who had a tooth out today. He has also had a promotion.
Today I went to the gym for my first personal training session. Thought I would do terrible but I did t. Went for a swim after and then a massage and facial. Bliss, feeling good, exercise makes us feel good. And then I notice a parcel that was on the communal post table this morning not there when I get back. Lightfingers in the house strikes again. Was going to leave a note but my son said not to and toreport it. Saddened to have to do that but they have crossed the line again.

[Monica1]

Hope to speak to you soon. Sorry u discovered online, it is worse than casinos! All nighters and alldAyers so easy but it is lethal. Detrimental to everything that is good. Xx

[Monica1]

In the top 2%.

[Monica1]

I cancelled pete as I chose together with. My son, we both cooked a roast chicken dinner for the grandkids. I went shopping this afternoon and decided that he eats junk and feeds takeaway pizzas for the children so I decided the junk has to go. Something satisfying about cooking for the family. Anyone who knows me knows I don’t do cooking, but I kinda do now.

[Author]

Posts