[Monica1]

I don’t sleep, I wake up to phone calls and knocking on my door from the enforcer who won’t go away wanting to serve me with attachment of earnings papers from a ccjs one year ago. Eventually he goes away not wanting to listen my story only wanting to serve me papers from the court. Last year when this happened they did go away saying they would call it all off. realise things happening quickly in succession can cause our mental health to spiral downwards. I email work telling them I have to deal with an urgent private matter in the morning and go to my planned hospital appointment in the afternoon.
I email gma as I can feel myself spiralling into the pit of despair when everything piles in all at once. I get an immediate response, ty, and some help in the form of an outreach appointment later in the afternoon.
I decide I must face this head on, and ask my creator for help. These things, constant, over years and years, are so draining on ones wellbeing.
I phone the revenue, and they have made a mistake, they cancelled all my tax free allowances as My estimated income in their view is I am a high earner over 100k. That is laughable as I don’t earn anywhere near that. They apologise and say they will rectify it ASAP. That was a relief, I could not carry on working as I do with the long hours for the amount they took this month.
I ring the enforcers solicitors and explain my situation. They call off the court enforcement action for a while. This takes all morning to do and then I go to my appointment.
Now two and a half years on I see a gastroenterologist and hepatologist. He agrees with me and thinks misdiagnosis of IBS! Can you believe that two and a half year’s on? He says well done for treating yourself with the diet.
M did the right thing. The lesion on the liver is common he said, nothing to be concerned about but I have classic symptoms of pancreatic enzyme insufficiency in that I cannot digest anything with a decent fat or sugar content and that the lesion on the pancreas needs a scan. The weight loss since May of two stone he also thinks is attributable to the diet but better safe than sorry. This is not cancer I don’t think and if it is then I am finished.. The ultrasound three months ago said rare haemangioma which is fat and new blood vessels but only about 11 ever diagnosed in the literature since the 1930s. The scan of one year ago fatty lump and small. So some tests on pancreatic enzymes and a scan.
I have a 5pm outreach call and it is very helpful. Ty gma. They will try and help me with the big debts and also support me through the tests on the pancreas. How wonderful to get some help.
My sons girlfriend realising I haven’t eaten all day buys me bread and hummus and is cooking now.

[Monica1]

I havent posted because really I don’t really get any responses and I guess we post when we feel like doing it, and it is our journal to record our recovery journey and how we feel, which after the week I have had is a good thing really. And again I feel the urge to post.
I read long term posters on here or recovering gamblers who say in six months time, or in one year I will be debt free. For those of us roue’s who went so far down the old rabbit hole of gambling I am happy for these folks but think to myself, well I am two years five weeks gambling free and still living with the fallout. I still don’t open my post and today I got my month salary to find the inland revenue has taken a quarter of it directly. Crikey, and if I paid what I owed and worked till I am 70 I might just have paid that debt off. I was so angry and upset. What is the bloody point?
I am already strategising as to how to fight it, what to do to enable my dreams of things I want to do to still to happen on such a reduced income. Giving it to God.
Also this week, I ring the national number for my appointment and my gp surgery to find out what has happened about my appointment. Both have failed. Gp to let me know the password to access an on line appointment and the hospital because they think it is on line so don’t send letters. And I find my appointment with a gastroenterologist and hepatologist is tomorrow so I have to take time off at short notice. I despair of this country, I really do.
And then on way home at bus stop I see the chap I took a bit of a shine to, then put myself off him a while ago. We have a chat and introduce ourselves. That was a pleasant end to a shite day. The aftermath of gambling can last the rest of our lives.

[Monica1]

Got up early and Cooked Sunday dinner for my son, every week now and fell asleep at 6.30. Due to meet pete at 8 and this time he was on time and I was late. Unheard of. I rushed but still made an effort wearing for first time rock chick Jacket. bought six months ago but never worn. He is noticing my efforts and said I looked and smelled good. I said my sixties r my best decade. Played pool, 3 games. Neither of us have played for ten years but we r both good players and it was like riding a bike, we both played well making good shots. He won 2 1.
He spoke about his insecurities where he lives and i said mu son wont stay with me for ever and he could move back in if that was the case but we would to have a proper physical relationship just some of the time. At the same moment I said this I was pouring my drink and in a hilarious moment it just overflowed in the glass and went all over the table. We both laughed like drains. Ten minutes later he asks me to dinner and to stay the night at his place. I said sure. And it is ok but not sure what to make of it even now.

[Monica1]

For your post. I looked up the Arvon centre. Definitely worth checking out and I signed up for their emails and updates.
I am pretty sure the injections will help you a lot as they do my mum and she is 85. Strange how all my gut problems started as a result of self neglect when gambling and not eating, smoking too much etc when on a binge. There is such a huge link.
Wishing you well soon and thank you again for your always helpful posts.

[Monica1]

25 months gf today, I went to group tuesday and Friday and it helps cos whilst I can’t block the computer game, i haven’t played it and wrote to the company and asked what they do to protect addictive folks. Ty for reaching out they said and the answer was nothing. It doesnt stop here i say I will take this up as a mini cause.
Week started off at work with a long journey and then it all got cancelled. I was livid, hours wasted on train, tube and bus but we move on and the end of the week was better. So instead of playing the game I read Margaret Atwood s follow up to the handmaids tale, released in a flurry of media frenzy. Finished it in two days, very good it is too. Very reflective this week of what I want to do. I could live three lifetimes and not do everything I would like to do. But I have narrowed it down. Travel still even if I can’t do long haul. Option of a PHD and /or creative writing. Will do the diet course maybe in the new year as it is the one thing that has made a dramatic difference to my health and my life. Of course, if I was gambling I would have cut off all options for living my life. Gambling is a living death and I am glad to be rid of it.
The rest of this year don’t fancy doing any courses as have spent my life doing them and taking a leisurely break.
Today went for a facial and pedi. Very nice. I am ticking along and I am Ok. My son got a promotion and I am very slowly changing the house, clearing every bit of clutter ready to redecorate soon.
Beautiful sunny day today which pleases me enormously. Still not quite ready to let go of the summer yet.

[Monica1]

Was ok. Last Sunday I went to see once upon a time in Hollywood with Pete. I told him not to be late but as usual ten minutes late, but did run down the road to get to me. A slow burner of a movie with a surprise end. Has good reviews but not mr Tarantino’s best in my view. We had a nice time as we usually do.
I am well. Work was ok this week, busy as usual. I spent too much in the computer game this week. Can anyone tell me how to block permanently a Facebook game on a iPad. Every time I think I have blocked it for good, it is there again. Will be co I guess back to support soon, as although I have not gambled now for 25 months I send too much on this silly game.
Lent my daughter some money and my eldest son this week. He is burning the candle both ends and missed work today as was out too late.
There is an autumn chill in the air and went shopping today. The mall was very busy, everyone having the same thoughts, autumn wardrobe. Got a few things and spoke to a lady in the m and s queue, we are not ready to let go of the summer yet. And I have dropped a dress size, now a size 12 which I haven’t been in years and I still haven’t kept 100 per cent to my diet may 75 per cent but since April have lost 21 lbs. I am now at upper limit of normal weight for my height but look quite trim. Appreciating each day, that is my reality, the art of gratitude and appreciation.
All in all

[Monica1]

Bank holiday spent with my mum and sister at my sisters house. It was nice enough. It makes my mum happy to see the both of us and my sister loves to cook for us and she did well, roast beef and Yorkshire’s, although I couldn’t eat the Yorkshire’s.
When I got home my middle son came round and bought me brand new hard drive, very small, huge monitor and keyboard, as my pc now 9 years old and takes 10 mins to boot up. For nothing, and also loaded Plex onto my iPad. Has every series and film, better than Netflix and prime. He even got me the handmaids tale current series which is so hard to get. Delighted with that.
The days go by quickly, my bosses away at work so very busy but ok. This morning I cleared all the clutter from my front room, with paid help from my ex husband, but I participated and took it all to recycling. He told me my eldest son,s depression caused by cocaine and drug abuse, ie partying but that he had noticed he is a lot happier living here. He is and the antidepressants have helped him a lot. I have not seen him on drugs, hungover, yes but not out of it, and I recognise when someone has done drugs. His father is a social cocaine user and I think some of that may have rubbed off on him. Huge sense of achievement and cleansing clearing the clutter and we had a very fruitful morning. A lot more work to do still but the bulk of the crap has gone.
Then had my facial and massage which was Lovely. I have gratitude now for each day, that is what recovery has bought me. It is has bought me a contentment,
The only downer in the week was some enforcement person cAme round twice when my son was in who said he had never heard of me, I said not to do that again and that I will need to face whatever that was. The big debts are still there two years on quitting gambling. I remember steev saying how he scrimped to pay off his debts, but I won’t do that. My ex husband reminded me of how poor and homeless we always seemed to be when young. He was right, a pair of waifs we were with very little parental support or mentoring in life. I spoke this week and I often wonder if we had all the nurturing and support to develop as children where we would be now. A different place, that’s for sure. But I am Ok with where I am. A work in progress. Spent 55 quid this week on the computer game, a little out of hand. Over a couple of months it is a few hundred. Not a great dent in the scheme of things. I spend more on cigarettes but it is a habit I want to stop. As I hve said to vera, it does not make me want to gamble. Nothing does, cos it was that horrendous, the aftermath and what it does to us as human beings.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post Vera. It made me smile. Yes,I cook now for the family, it is kinda back to when they were little, and all the years I missed out on them somewhat because of Pete.
What made me smile was your comment on you would wait for him forever. Yes, indeed. And that makes me laugh. Maybe I have waited for him forever, that wouldn’t surprise me. But I am not really waiting anyway, just accepting of each day and if we still enjoy each other’s company, why not.
tHe game I play doesn’t make me feel like gambling Vera. I could never switch that horror show back on cos it was truly awful.

[Monica1]

I have t been on here for the past week but I am so glad u r back. U r missed and valued here. Gambling addiction is a lifelong thing so why be surprised to come back here. I have been on here for two years now and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.
Of all people, I know that gambling made me physically and mentally unwell for a long time. It can all be recovered but only through entering into recovery and stopping and never wanting to start back again. We choose destruction, I certainly did because I wanted to destroy myself and not even subconsciously. But I no longer do, I value life, I value our heavenly fathers support and help in my life, each and every day. And it grows. Stopping gambling grows. But you know all this, you were a great success Shen you stopped for two years, we all looked up to you as the doyen of this gambling illness.

Back to basics, it is a progressive illness, each relapse is worse than the last. Vera, you need to work out why u feel the need to gamble. There are always underlying reasons and we need to Work with them. Have u tried counselling? Is there anyone you can talk to aside from us lot? Glad u r back my friend, from your friend.

[Monica1]

Again, I am not posting as much as I should. Last weekend was nice. I cooked Sunday lunch for my son and then he did the next shift for his vegan girlfriend. My middle son cAme over to use the tumble dryer and helped himself too. I like this. Pete not being here has enabled my family to come together a little more cohesively.
Having said that I saw pete Sunday night and he was late, he is always late, I actually was waiting 45 mins. His excuse, his shoelaces broke and he had to iron his pants. I mean really. I to,d him to try and do better and that I will not wait for him. But we had a pleasant evening and I paid the price for it from the three glasses of prosecco the next day. Have to be so careful with my diet. But he gave me a massive hug at the end of the night and we will go to the cinema next time.
My week flew by in a busy whirl. Have been playing too much of that game obsessively, every night and spent money too but have now stopped. Payday today, first salaried pay, and although it is quite a bit less per month than I am used to, it wasn’t too bad, and many people would think it a very good wage.
My daughter wants us to go back to Newquay although less glam than the headland where we stayed, caravan next year. I c ount my blessings and have gratitude every day for many things, still start the day with scripture and like I did when I was a practicing Christian as a teen, must feel that all goes well and we are victorious in Christ. I have an inner almost like contentment although I know I still have my issues. Play that game too much, but I am slightly bored with it now. Had a compliment about my writing this week from the most senior person in the place, and it made me feel good. I have to fulfil the writing at some point, maybe when I go back to newquay, which is so inspiring with the vistas and views from where we stayed.
So all is well in my world and long may it continue to be. No gambling urges or thoughts but I know I am replacing it with that silly game that I can’t block. anyone?

My lot still want to spend time with me. I am Ok, debt ridden and not paying it off still, but ok.

[Monica1]

I have caught up with your thread and it is so good to read about how well u r doing gf. We r the same age and I relate so much to your story. Well done.

[Monica1]

Well, no, she doesn’t get it from me. When I was in juniors we had something called Friday choice which for me wasn’t a choice.i was made to do music cos I was good at it. It I wanted to do drama and that has stayed with me funnily enough, so she is living out my dream. Although tbh I don’t think I would be very good. The loveliness of 3 days in Cornwall and seeing my granddaughter has stayed with me. I had a lovelier colour from three days sitting on the terrace in Cornwall than the Dominican, well almost, and the sea in Cornwall was bluer.
My week has been ok and we did celebrate my 2 years of recovery from gambling addiction. My son made me a roast dinner as that is what I asked for and a bottle of prosecco. I broke my diet in Cornwall and recently a bit but I have been ok. Back to it tomorrow.
I am now on monthly pensionable pay, so I have to budget, no big spends in posh shops anymore. A
Although today I had a nice day and went into a charity shop and bought a jaeger dress for a tenner. Facial and massage after and shopping for Sunday lunch for my son and his girlfriend tomorrow.
Last night in way home from work it was raining and the leaves r starting to fall. Want to hold on to summer a bit longer.i am still compulsively playing that game and spending money on it. I thought I had permanently blocked it but there seems to be no such thing on an Apple iPad.
Still I am content and trundling along deeply appreciative of each day.

[Monica1]

Nice to see your posts ty and ty rg for reading my thread from start to now. It has been quite a journey and the first nine months were quite honestly pretty dire. But many things have improved for the better. Counselling brought out that it was time for Pete to move out and that brought me back my boys, not that I had ever truly lost them as I still saw them but they would not call round while pete was living here I still have the huge debts which have not moved on at all, just ahead with my rent and tackled the priority ones with the exception of the inland revenue.
I am permanently employed and have enjoyed spending money on some pampering and nice clothes in recovery.
Why I play the computer game I don’t know. I work long hours and at night don’t feel like doing anything so that may be it. I have spent a little money on it in the last month, something I would lose in 5 minutes gambling and then 20 times more. So I don’t think I will gamble again ever, not even a lottery ticket. Like steev, I am someone who can’t ever set that beast loose even remotely. Playing the game compulsively, which I do, doesn’t make me feel like gambling. But I guess I will get bored with it as I have done in the past and stop. It is very goal driven and feeds an addictive mind, which I seem to have. I am Ok and every days I give thanks to God for my family and for my recovery, which was hard earned. I got through it and I would not turn that beast on again for anything. It cause way too much pain and suffering to ever go back.

[Monica1]

A while back I was very disappointed not to go to see my granddaughter in a production of Aladdin 1. Because I was ill, 2. Because there were high winds and all trains were disrupted. Well, this weekend high winds and trains were disrupted yet again but I did get to see her in the title role of Mary poppins. Didn’t think I would get to see her as was strNded for an hour with hundreds of others at a Kent railway station because of a tree down on the line. But they laid on an empty train, and it was worth it. She was great and her singing voice is so good. People were queuing for autographs after. Talk about proud, her next production early next year is in a west end theatre.
Bit dodgy on train coming home at 9ish.quite a lot of drunk people even at that time and I felt uncomfortable.
Went to a baby shower on Sunday but did t stay long as I did t know anyone there except the person having. Cancelled pete in the evening as felt tired.
I am still playing the computer game a little compulsively and as steev says I wonder what I am trying to put off thinking about. I know I feel a little strange now being permanent but colleagues all sent me a card of congrats saying they were so glad I stayed. Well, 2 years gf in 2 days time.

[Monica1]

Ok, my take on this. I disclosed to my gp as it is confidential but it isn’t if you declare it at work. You are then out in the public domain and my view is that as a professional you have much to lose, so I would advise against it personally. On certification if same as in U.K. then it is 7 days before a sick note so too long to cover the residential. It is a dilemma and I can see why that may have put you off in the past. I agree with steev on talking to gma about it.

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