[Monica1]

Struggled to get through work this week but managed it just about sneezing, runny nose and coughing and spluttering. although on Friday working from home felt very rough. Day 9 today and like last winter, still have chesty cough and tired. So went to my Chinese herbalist today as the Chinese herbs are good at helping with such things but unfortunately not the gut issues I had.
I went to the posh shop and spent a few hundred. I have a habit of spending lots of dosh on nice clothes and I wonder if that and the computer games (which I only spent a tenner on this week) are my gambling substitutes.
I got a tax rebate, a small one for the year I was ill and in rehab. It is the next two that are the biggies with thousands owed. They did it in a week, down to copying my mp in to the letter I sent. I think I spend money I have because of bankruptcy looming, I spend and enjoy what I have. And I do enjoy it, I really like wearing smart clothes and doing the massages and facials. For me it is therapeutic.

[Monica1]

Struggling along, back at work but awful coughing fits. I am not alone in this though, spreading round like wildfire. Some have also had joint problems as I have so this years flu round, affecting joints. Some have developed it immediately after having a flu jab. Dosing up on lemsip max just to keep going. Contacted by support at inland revenue so have kicked off that long process trying to coordinate the constant letters from four different parts.
Also booked a week off week after next and a short spa break in Devon at an expensive beautiful spa overlooking the sea. Need to recharge the old batteries.

[Monica1]

Always nice to hear from you and thanks for the website advice. I will pass it on to my daughter.
This weekend I have slept a lot, have a slight cough and still not feeling great. I don’t generally,sleep well and since a reflexology treatment yesterday have slept excessively, most of today.
Yes, bankruptcy is not an easy decision. I think it is the freezing of the bank account that bothers me most. But I have lent my kids a lot in the last year and have said that will be the time to repay. I think because of this hanging over me I am less careful with spending than I should be. On Friday I worked half a day from home not being able to go in but spent quite a lot in the evening for a on another computer game, still nothing like gambling but it is indicative of how I am feeling in that the more I am pounded with the debt issues, I seem to become unwell as a result and adopt somewhat self destructive behaviours even if only mildly, which this is ie no damage done. But I recognise my compulsive escapist nature when I have pressures I can do nothing about with organisations that don’t listen.

I won’t gamble though.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your post on my thread. No, gambling will only make things a lot worse. And Xmas two years ago I had nothing at all, at this time of year I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. One day at a time Emma.

[Monica1]

Nice to hear from you both. Well, life this week a challenge. It didn’t start well, having to get off a packed tube after feeling unwell on the Monday but I did have a nice tube worker help me out. Feeling tired and exhausted and running in empty. Work full of niggly issues and queries, nothing major.
I don’t know of many people who aren’t struggling with debt and daily,living in the U.K. these days, country is broken. I get a statement from inland revenue with thousands in penalties. I so struggle with the debt issues.
This week
My sister texts me to say mum in a lot of pain with her hip and can’t get to docs. My sisters joints are bothering her and to be honest so are mine this week. All those falls on my knees over the years and they are a little red and ache a lot. That is a first for me.
My daughter has taken my youngest grandson out of school for bullying and asks for help with a home schooling pack which costs 300 quid. I say no initially and then do it. He is the type of boy who doesn’t fit in school and may well be on the spectrum, a lovely, very sensitive boy, like my daughter.
My eldest asks for 200 quid, I say no to that and cook him dinner as he hadn’t eaten all day and give him 20 quid, my bank balance now not as healthy as it was but payday this week.
The final straw cAme last night when I cooked dinner and dropped the lot on the floor taking it out of the oven so no dinner for anyone, I feel undercurrents of emotion in me and know I am tired and need a rest.
I don’t sleep and wake up so tired today with knees aching so much I can barely walk around. The constant rain isn’t helping everyone in the family’s joints I guess. I take the day off sick. I listen to elevation worship and weep a bit. In early recovery when I first gave my life to Christ, I would weep a lot, and it removes the layers and pain we feel in our hearts. It is a therapeutic thing. If anyone gets the chance to listen to elevation worship on u tube you will feel same, although probably less blubbing than I do, beautiful music.
I feel strong enough to go to the shops and get some lunch in the pouring rain. This afternoon just resting. I know that for the past few days I feel like there isn’t much in the tank but 24 hours rest should do it. I am armed with vitamins and ibuprofen gel.

[Monica1]

I tell my son dinner is there but going out so won’t be cooking today. I meet with Pete, first time in four weeks, I am 15 mins early, he is ten minutes early. We go for a Sunday roast, have a good chat and he sees me to the bus to go home, we flirt a little with each other and he gives me a big smacker when I leave. A nice time and I feel warm Inside. My son rings to say sorry he didn’t cook today. I say no matter, went out to eat. Who with he asks.pete I say. I know he doesn’t like it but by now he must know how I feel about him still.

[Monica1]

Getting rid of the ads that pop up, I go to each one and say they are offensive, there is a drop down menu. Once u have done that a few times they stop. I used to have these pop up all the time but none now for a long time although even now I do get the odd email.
Good to hear u r gf, good going. One day at a time, my house stuff is going slowly but over the year I can see improvement with a long way to go still.

[Monica1]

Thanks for posting, glad our conversation helped. I don’t have a getout unfortunately. I often wonder why I have nothing to show for a lifetime of work, even before the gambling. Although if I had not gambled I would be debt free and probably own a home. I still haven’t given up though which is the main thing.

[Monica1]

Been a while again since I last posted. Two days off in October have been spent dealing with my debts, writing them all down, what can be disputed, in fact two of them can. I respond to a court summons and a letter from inland revenue saying court proceedings to start. I ring them and offer to start paying instalments, they say no until full liability sorted out which will take months. I insist on starting end October, I need to string out the bankruptcy till March as best time to file. I write a long letter to the inland revenue and feel incredibly sad writing it. I download all my bank statements from 2017 when I changed banks and find my last gambling stint on there but nil since, which is good. I have a short phone session with outreach gma which I find helpful. I don’t need long but having someone to discuss how I feel helps me. Of course, dealing with the debt triggers stomach pain for a couple of days. I find the debt as always have done incredibly draining and depressing. It feels like all my adult life been dealing with this.
I go for a smallish debt and they again don’t want anything until priority debts dealt with. Honestly, the court summons and lawyers over a store card have been really unpleasant over a reasonably small debt with the court summons and not listening to another one being so nice and not wanting payments till all sorted. Whether bankruptcy or paying off till pos retirement, they are both virtually the same although with. Bankruptcy bank accounts r frozen and I don’t like the sound of that. I have kept my new bank account clean and want it to remain that way ie want to stay with them. Sorting this all out will take many months and I am two years and nearly three months gf. It goes on and on.
One thing made me smile. In the consultants letter received this week, he said I was very knowledgeable about medicine. Yep, missed my vocation this time round.

[Monica1]

I agree with steev that you need professional help with your situation.
I saw your response to my post but it doesn’t seem to be on here.
Many relationships r what r sometimes referred to as toxic, when they become all about control and power within it. I would ask why have you given away all your power in your earning capability to your wife? For now, it is probably a positive thing because of your problem gambling, however. You say you are scared of your wife. Are you scared of what she will do if you leave? And spreading nasty comments on line is illegal, she could get herself into hot water if she went down that route.
I remember when I first went to GA I was asked if I was co dependent but luckily I wasn’t and could say no. Are you? What is in it for you and what works for u in the dynamics of your current relationship?
You do need to get counselling to help you see your way out of this or maybe couples therapy if u want to stay in the relationship.
But your focus must be on you and your recovery. When we enter recovery after a while all our issues Tend to come up for us to look at and we do get to a place where we can make some considered decisions.

[Monica1]

There are always reasons why we become addicted to gambling and it is good that you felt able to open up and explain re your marriage. Whilst my situation is different and I have been gf for over two years recovery showed me that I had to deal with my relationship being over and asking him to move out. He also didn’t earn. I prayed that he would find a way to earn money and he did. But it took a year from me telling him to him moving out. The issue was that I still loved him but I had to do it for my own recovery. We r now best of friends and when we see each other as friends we enjoy each other’s company. You will reflect and think long and hard about where u r in your marriage and what u want to do. To be honest it sounds like your wife needs to look at where she is in respect of junk food and where her own happiness lies. Sometimes painful changes are necessary for both to wake up.
Gambling is always an an abusive relationship and when we do not get any fulfilment from the one we r in, we look elsewhere.
Seek out support for yourself on the groups here. Some join GA which do a lot of good but was not for me. You will need all your focus on your own recovery. Keep posting.

[Monica1]

I had Friday off and was welcomed with a court summons on a very old debt and a phone call saying I am being investigated for tax fraud, press 1 to make a payment. A scam. They have somehow gotten hold of all of the details of the loan charge action group membership. I spend the weekend outlining my debts and I and e. March 2020 is the best time to declare bankruptcy. I fit in a reflexology treatment on the Saturday. She says my pancreas is ok, although they r not allowed to diagnose and reels off 90 per cent correct on some minor problems I have that don’t cause a problem. On Friday I have a brief call with outreach at gma.
I spend Sunday wading through the debts I know about and my I and e. I start along letter to the inland revenue but don’t complete it. I cook dinner and my granddaughter visits. She is back on track now and in college studying beauty, English and maths. It is nice to see her. I catch up with Pete on the phone. That is my weekend.
Facing the debt carnage of over five years is not easy and the letter I write describing events is painful. I will attempt to start making repayments. Whichever way I look at it, even bankruptcy will take a huge amount of my income every month for as long as I can continue to work through to retirement with no pension, so best to start trying. I do have left over monthly income.

[Monica1]

Well, last night I think I realised that a lot of my issues aside from the obvious ones are down to uncertainty. I don’t like uncertainty even though a big part masters degree training was around dealing with uncertainty in business. I did not want to feel the way I did so I did something I had not done in a very long time, had a psychic reading. It was very sweet, I chose someone who put God at the centre and there will be a way forward. That’s as much as I will say. I like continuity. So with uncertainty you cluster themes. My themes around which there are a few are
Debt which could take many more years to sort out to even identify if I owe another huge amount as there are legal battles going on
Health, don’t know outcome of tests yet suffice to say my diet has helped so much. I introduced a bit more food yesterday and today, I over the last few weeks has been extended through delays and transport difficulties on all transport systems, trees on the line, one escalator main tube station, queue taking an hour to go through. Enough is enough, I will keep an eye open for local. I have had enough. Not that there is any work but something has to come up somewhere. Casting my net in an empty sea but Jesus worked that miracle so let’s see.

[Monica1]

I read your posts straight away and ty for them. I had a quiet weekend changing everything summer and putting away and getting the winter wardrobe out, washing and cooking, so exciting plus having a massage and facial as per usual. I feel vaguely unhappy and have felt so for the past two to three weeks. I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, maybe a combo of everything.
I will head towards an IVA but it is unfortunate that because of the loan charge and actions surrounding it, it may be one or two years before I know whether I am liable for a large amount.i think I feel trapped because work in my field there isn’t any and pay rates are plummeting. Yes, it is that feeling of being trapped because I have always known that going perm might bring this out in me. I am used to self direction. People are whispering at work because I have lost two stone in weight since May and know they are gossiping, I put a notice On my noticeboard saying my bmi is 24, healthy weight although upper,limit of healthy and asked my team what’s theirs. All truth be known are in the overweight and obese category. I felt better a little after I did this. The thing about my diet is that it keeps me well, although the side effect is weight loss.
So all in all, feeling unhappy. Not wanting to feel unhappy and wondering what is to be done about it.

[Monica1]

Worked till 9pm as on deadline as missed the day yesterday. Finished what I had to do. Got home just before 11pm. Felt unhappy. Pancreas, the sweetness of life, where is the sweetness?
Woke up early and read through my threads. There have been some happy, enjoyable days but lots of challenges and probably more not so good days, on balance.i have had more good, productive days at work than bad though. Although I often think why am I doing it. Don’t feel as sad as I did last night after a good nights sleep. Us humans always need hope for a better day. And to be honest I have had some very nice days, my granddaughter’s play this year, times spent out with Pete, my Beauty shop friends and things, the spa break with my daughter. The diet and how it has helped enormously. The common theme here is family, doing things with the family even if sometimes it might be challenging.
Very reflective. I think I need a better job to come along or maybe I should still c o unt my blessings. I was offered and accepted this job at 61. Yes, it’s tough but I don’t get bored there really, always stuff every week.
i am meandering a bit but i am reflecting on the best step, and how to bring the sweetness and joy of life back.
I am glad to have reached out for support from gma. I think it will help me to do what I need to re finances. I cannot leave the world, whenever that happens, and leave this mess with my children.

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