[Monica1]

Yes, cruises are a problem for casinos. When I went on a cruise a few months after cancer surgery Pete and I spent every evening in the casino. I had only started slots at home but avoided the slot machines in the casino. Every night we played stud poker and I won the stud poker champion of the boat, Pete cAme 2nd. On my first bet, where I chucked it all in and won. The cert is still on my wall. I don’t think that helped when I got back and started in earnest. It has made me wary of cruises ever since.
Good to hear u r back on your travels again.
Good to

[Monica1]

Так приятно слышать от вас и спасибо за сообщение в моей ветке. Я публикую только один раз в неделю или когда у меня есть желание. Я много молился о выигрыше и о том, чтобы Бог избавил меня от неприятностей, когда я играл в азартные игры. Это было почти как испытание. Думаю, это вы сказали, что это неуместная вера. И это. достаточно. Как вы знаете, азартные игры действительно повлияли на мое здоровье, которое, хотя и намного лучше, я все еще борюсь. Я не знаю, почему наше здоровье ухудшается, или, может быть, я это делаю, но я думаю, что зависимость от азартных игр забирает у нас все, например, рак. Вы можете это сделать, и я знаю, что вы это сделаете. Азартные игры действительно отстой.

[Monica1]

So good to hear from you and thank you for the post on my thread. I only post once a week or so or when I have the desire to. I used to pray a lot for a win and for God to get me out of trouble when gambling. It was almost like a test. I think it was you who said it was misplaced faith. And It is. nuff said.
As you know gambling really affected my health which athough much better, I am still grappling with. I don’t know why our health spirals downwards, or maybe I do, but I think gambling addiction takes everything from us, like cancer.
You can do this and I know you will. Gambling really sucks.

[Monica1]

Well, broke the diet for a week. Cheap pub prosecco with Pete last Sunday gave me rampant gut ache Monday but my week was ok. Wednesday was a work day which went Ok and in evening my son and his girlfriend cooked for me a meal of my choosing and bought a nice birthday cake. Appreciated it all. Rang the hospital to chase my results and they said review mid January and if anything dodgy on the pancreas they would have called. So that is a good sign.
On Friday worked from home and glad I did as I commute into London Bridge and was fairly shocked by events to the extent that I forgot all about my gma call. Had very little to say until I get the revenue bill which is when the bankruptcy decision will happen.
Saturday had reflexology and trial run acupuncture for giving up smoking. Went out with Pete sat evening for a drink and an Indian. Could only eat chicken korma. Sunday I was a patient for students at the Ayurveda international centre again and it was great fun. All go at moment but enjoying it all.

[Monica1]

My week was ok and my weekend very pleasant.
Saturday I had my eyelashes done and went for an Ayurvedic consultation regarding my residual gut issues. I get stomach pain periodically but my Ibs type symptoms still well controlled on diet. They have asked me to be a patient for their trainees again and I enjoyed it so much last time I agreed. They made me laugh as they said I needed to get back and have a relationship, came out with lots of herbs and one in particular to get my base chakra working again, t9 attract a relationship, it is either Pete or move, and both Pete and I have not moved on, which is eight and a half years later.
Sunday lovely with hair cut and colour first thing, cooked Sunday lunch for my son and girlfriend and met with Pete in evening. It was again a nice time and we talked about the possibility of getting back together without putting any pressure on either of us to make that happen, just to see where things take us. He bought me a card and a gift not to open till my birthday on Wednesday. But he did talk about coming to see my mum at Xmas, and he always spends Xmas alone through choice, helping out at homeless lunches on Xmas day, this is a big change. He has done the same for many years that I have known him and all of a sudden seems open to coming with me st Xmas to my mums who he has always got on well with.

[Monica1]

Good to hear u got the all clear and that you are able to continue with your travels.

[Monica1]

I had a nice reflective week off, cAme back yesterday, smooth and shorter journey back. The space I stayed in was cozy with a lovely built in fire in the wall. Would like to live there….
took only a handful of cigs down with the intention to go cold turkey. I lasted till the afternoon of day 3 when I climbed a road with a massively steep incline up a cliff edge. Warnings for infirm or elderly not to do it. It was around 500 metres and I stopped four or five times and eventually got to the top. Most exercise I had all week and my legs ached after and still to today. On way down I was almost run over by a tractor, the driver of which thought it funny. Reported it, council workers digging up the unstable road. The cliffs in front of me had eroded with some houses having fallen into the sea. The hotel said they had a list of complaints against them. Had a couple of spa treatments which were ok but not as good as my local salon and more expensive. But despite that, I had a ice relaxing time, I love staying a few feet away from the sea, although the weather was a bit rough.
Having looked up whether I am eligible for a state pension and I am with over 40 years of full contributions. And absolutely nothing to show for it. I have been examining my relationship,with money. Having spent most of life in the struggle to survive supporting the family eventually I started earning very big in 2009/10 and had my highest earning year in the year I had cancer, working from home on a number of projects. The rest is gambling history and only now am I facing the damage. I covered this in my outreach gma session on Friday. I am going to start by not spending anything in clothes until the January sales and to stop spending on computer games. I spent more than I should on my week off but I felt so cozy where I was staying I didn’t want to venture out and the restaurant and spa was 20 yards from my beach hut. I know I have to make the decision re bankruptcy in March, there is no getting away from that decision.
It is my eldest sons 38th birthday today and he also has gone away for a long weekend in Malta with his girlfriend.

[Monica1]

Today I travel down to Devon 1st class, apex fare which costs same as 2nd, just booked in advance. I take a slow train and change at Exeter, it takes about six hours. I start the journey in beautiful sunshine and end it in darkness and pouring rain, so much so that I cannot see the gorgeous Devon coastlinE. I appreciate the beauty of the season, the sun goes down so early but the colours of autumn succumbing to winter I so appreciate.
And I find myself in the most amazing place. I am in a suite with a beautiful coal fire with a bedroom upstairs with the sea ten feet in front of me. Omg it is so beautiful. I have dinner which is very nice. Pete calls me and I say you must come see this, it is dog friendly. I vow to come down in spring. It really is the most gorgeous place, even better the cornish spa I took my daughter to in the summer. Today it feels good to be alive, to be able to enjoy beautiful coastal nature in such an amazing place. And for once, I have taken my iPad which I never do, hence posting.

[Monica1]

Welcome to the forum. You describe well the pain of compulsive gambling. Every one of us on here has tried things, a number of times and didn’t stop. I would go to counselling, go home and start all over again. I did three lots of counselling.Then one day, the pain becomes too much to bear and doesn’t go away. It makes us ill and the rollercoaster you describe seriously messes with our mental health. That is, for me, when i had to stop. Live or die. That was the choice. And that is when I came here which has worked for me. Your story sounds to me like the end throes of an addiction just before the dawn when we make that decision. You can recover your life, you can have many good days. But like me, a lot of financial damage was done. Which I live with daily.
Steev advice is sound. If I can do it so can you. Seek out support, go to the groups here. Gambling brings nothing but pain and misery. Even a win is a loss.
And I rediscovered my faith in recovery, it works and helps.

[Monica1]

In recovery it is good to make the best of each day and do something productive Although every one has veg out days. Still nice to wake up to no work.
I should have met up with Pete over the weekend, but he did not respond to my texts. Last night I watched hope springs, a story about a post middle age marriage where there is no affection or physical contact sleeping in separate rooms. They go into therapy and eventually make a breakthrough.it makes me feel a little sad as that was pete and me when together. And I continue to wonder why after eight and a half years I can’t move on.
I do one test I should have done six weeks ago today when up at the clinic. And go into town to drop things off. And then I go through tax affairs 18/19. I am used to this making me feel sad which it really does. It is like two years three mo this in recovery dredging up the damage and dealing with it which will take many months.
Possibly because of the sadness on the way home I go and spend money on things I like and need, a winter coat as my old one is too big now, I feel a little guilty and wonder why I spend so much. Will look at that in my next outreach session.

[Monica1]

So nice to wake up and not have work today although could not resist tuning into work email and answering a couple. So pottered about playing a few games and then made best use of free time dealing with debts which go on and on and on.
Rang the inland revenue, now there is a person who is coordinating all the 4 different bits I am dealing with. We have a plan for a way forward which will take months to unravel. But it is a step forward even if it ends up in bankruptcy.
Got the result of the court case today, I won initially but the law firm appealed and now an immediate demand for 500 pounds. I rang and put that off saying I need time to pay, just before Xmas as well. But the original debt was for 1000 and I only admitted to 500 on the basis that there had been a nearly 5 year gap in between being notified and change of debt collectors etc. So I won on the basis that the amount was reduced. But this is so small in the great scheme if things and I don’t understand why I have to pay an immediate demand for a non priority debt.
I am becoming quite knowledgeable now on managing debts and the courts.

[Monica1]

Welcome to the forum and for making the first step in stopping gambling. You must get some counselling support preferably face to face. Have you a GA locally? There are always underlying reasons why we gamble, and empty nest syndrome can be one particularly if you are left at home with an abusive husband. Having been through domestic abuse many years ago, this can crush a woman’s spirit over time and you must start the process of recovery and look at your relationship and if necessary, make plans to leave. No one deserves to be abused, ever.
Firstly, put the loss behind you, the money isnt coming back. Reach out for help and support. Could your children manage your money for a while? Would they help you to leave?

[Monica1]

I am Ok really, my weight is stable now for 5 weeks and I may have gained a lb or 2. I eat oat flapjacks once a week and just this seems to stop the weight loss.
I know what I need to do to maintain my gut health and most of the time it works.

[Monica1]

Good to hear from you both.
Jon, ty for your advice, unfortunately not the right advice for me. I am fat intolerant so ketogenic lethal for me,tried it when I knew less about triggers for my stomach and gut issues. Didn’t lose a lb and it made me sick. I eat small meals now. The tests I am having are for pancreatic enzymes ie the ability to digest fat and sugar and I have a lesion on my pancreas that needs closer examination. My guts are stable at the moment on a low fat, low sugar, no dairy diet.
Had to stop taking the Chinese herbs this week as like last time quick on the cough but bad stomach pain which stops when I stop them.
My scan this week did not go well, the usual faffing about for a vein for 40 minutes and then they gave up. In the scanner for ages in what might not be a diagnostic scan without the contrast. Bought books this week and have read a lot. Books and Shopping r my. go tos. My bank balance is much lower than this time last year but I have a spa break in Devon this week. Survived the work week and now have a week off. Yippee!
And you know what, the email re a tax refund was a scam from support at inland revenue. I didn’t reply to it and did one week later to find it had been taken down. This was a very realistic email and how did they know I was dealing with the support function there?
Had a great massage yesterday.

[Monica1]

Thinking of you. Hope the rain has eased off.

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