[Monica1]

Well, there is always bloody something each week of January This week on Sunday I have an allergic reaction to a facial as they changed how they do it, and have raised red patches all over my face. Had a hoo ha with the pharmacist who said looks like a fungal infection which I know is rubbish and then looks like burns. They wouldn’t give me anything.Took a day and a half to go with my gut and get antihistamines and today it is clearing. Lesson, pharmacists are meant to be the go to for minor things. Umm not, I said thanks for your unhelp. Salon mortified and rang me today to see how things are, will get a free treatment out of it.
Haven’t seen much of my son this week and I wonder if he is gearing up to move out.
Deleted the game I can’t get rid of which removes the memory of the app, so I won’t play and did my usual, bought books today to compensate.
Spoke to Pete and we will meet up over weekend.

[Monica1]

Lovely to hear from you Laura, and I hope we speak soon, although I think you might have been responding to steevs lost on my thread.
So this week very busy at work, January I March busiest time.
Updates on family
Mum is recovering from her 36 hour ordeal and can now walk again with the aid of the stick but is black and blue. An alarm and shower is being fitted by the local authority. She hasn’t had her hair done which she does weekly and it bothers her that she hasn’t. She thinks she might be able to walk down locally. Spoke to her. Yesterday, she is ok.
My brother in law isn’t doing great and has trembling legs. My sister is having to do everything for him as well as work full time and get over her chest infection.
My son was away this weekend delivering stuff to Holland and has just come back. A friend has given him a pram, car seat and Moses basket. Good stuff. A 17 week scan all good, due third week jUne. Grandchild no 6 and his 4th child.
This week the most upsetting thing was my friend with cancer texting me to say they think from a ct that it is in her lungs and liver. The news was delivered badly and then she is to have another scan as this one was deemed inconclusive. This upset me and I went back to computer game that I can’t get off my system and the company refuses to do anything about it. Didn’t spend a huge amount. Felt a lot better when I spoke to her today, she sounds ok and strong in herself. She has been having bleeds and transfusions and is now considering low dose chemo and radiotherapy. A very close friend of hers is an ex Gp and holistic practitioner. She keeps telling her to do natural therapies which had a detrimental effect on my friend, I said she is not her GP or oncologist and she has no right to influence her by telling her if she does chemo or radio then she will die. I think this a despicable abuse of friendship. I asked her if there is anything I could do to help and she said could I visit her next time in hospital. She finds cancer lonely and she has fevers intermittently. It would be an honour to do anything I can to help.
I have had a lazy weekend resting and just having family phone calls.

[Monica1]

Was quite a week. After Xmas nd the new year I had Been concerned at the amount I had spent on gaming which was way too much. It took a week but I have been excluded from Facebook gaming site.
On Tuesday 7th On Pete’s birthday met up fo a drink, he had a good day but said seeing me had topped it.
I had left my phone at work the night before but on weds am concerned calls from my sister who had been unable to reach my mum for 36 hours when they speak every day. By midday agreed she had to call the police. Turns out fire brigade, paramedics and police got in and she had fallen in the bath and been stuck there for 36 hours.. nothing broken but back and arm very bruised. She was admitted to hospital with intravenous fluids for dehydration and antibiotics for a chest infection. My sister visited her today and bought her food as she was discharged today having lost some mobility and being very bruised.
And on Friday I stayed over at Pete’s and my eight and a half year celibacy is over. That is all I will say about that.
On Saturday the grandsons stayed over, my son left me with them to go out. A mad Russian Who had got into an earlier fight tried to stab him at the end of the night but he punched his lights out and was unhurt. I have told my son to get his life in order. His girlfriend is pregnant again 16 weeks and it terrified him. The boys fought all weekend except when they were with me and they were well behaved.
What a week. And that is only the first week of January.

[Monica1]

Felt very lazy today and cancelled the evening with Pete. Cooked a nice dinner for myself and my son and started the clear up post Xmas, slowly.
Just did t feel like going out but did look up financial coaching and applied for the healing diets course. Start as I mean to go on.

[Monica1]

Yes, 2020 feels like good shifting energy coming in. I worked New Year’s Eve as I always do, and find I can get a lot done. I work very well on my own, and really don’t like managing people that much. It got me thinking about how I have been limiting myself somewhat by settling. I felt a lot of creative energy coming in and I liked it. My eldest son is setting himself up in business. Kai, my middle son, has built him a website, emails and livery. I have said I will help with contracts, bookkeeping and company constitution. He already has a potential client. I think the time is right for him to do it. His company promise much and don’t deliver. He has a family to maintain and cannot do it on what he earns.
However, I have to acknowledge that a gaming habit has snuck in from November really when away at the spa and spent about 250 quid. The three days I was back from Xmas break I spent a lot, particularly last night as I spent New Year’s Eve alone, as I have done for the past three years. I didn’t mind being alone as I felt in a good mood and I had the usual call with Pete who I will meet up with later today. But in those three days I have spent a large amount of money on games. Gambling large. I have played compulsively and realised it is giving me the same hit as gambling. I have now stopped and a New Years resolution is to manage my money better and stop overspending. I may need help with that.
Today I have left it all alone and started the Xmas rubbish and box clear up. Ben went out partying and at around 5 am I was awoken, he had lost his wallet and I had to let him in. I felt for him. He has cold turkey Ed from antidepressants, weaning himself off but likes partying a little too much.
2020feels like a big shift in energy putting the past troubled decade behind us.
For some reason I find Xmas difficult. Ben thinks it is because I do the same thing every year out of an obligation to my mum and sister. He is probably right.
Well I have put on 2lbs over Xmas which isn’t much. If ever there was any doubt about how compulsive I can be, the gaming has shown me but you cannot block Facebook games. I have tried on many occasions.

[Monica1]

Thank you for your post on my thread and for the love comment. I deliberately left that off, I shall keep that one in the happy surprise section.
Well done for talking to the credit card companies and for the outcome. It’s the one thing that bothers me about all this debt, that it will take everything, which is probably the main reason I overspend… having it hang over for so long ie decades sets up behaviours in me that I must tackle. I agree so important to have a life and enjoy money. My philosophy too. I won’t scrimp and scrape, not my way which is what made destitution so difficult that I just took to my bed..
I did vision boards a few years ago, I was never specific enough and there was always the big win bang in the middle of it. I am under no such illusion (delusion) now.
I think you are making great progress, it’s a long haul these debt issues.
Thank you for your friendship and may 2020 be a magnificent year for us all!

[Monica1]

and so we are entering a new decade and if 2010/2020 is anything to go by then the 2020’s should be pretty amazing. 2010 was a good year but 2011 brought cancer and it’s fallout, gambling addiction for five and a half years and destitution.
So it will be much better, I can feel that already.
In fact I have worked out major change, sometimes traumatic has always had a seven in it from 1967, 1977, 1987, 1997 2006 (bucked the 7 trend) and 2017. All of these very difficult years of change and loss.
So 2020 feels freeing up somehow. I have narrowed down the things I really would like to do, it was broader last year but I have really focused on what I would like to spend my time doing.
My goals and hopes:
Work
I will explore options of getting a better work and life balance, whatever way that will manifest. I spend too much time commuting and at work. My bank balance is much lower than it was at the end of 2018 so my income will increase doing work I enjoy and is fulfilling whilst allowing plenty of free time. It is possible.
Leisure
I will have more fun in 2020 and enjoy each day.
Study
I haven’t studied for a while, deliberately having given it a break, having done huge amounts in my lifetime. I will enrol for a dietary course I have been looking at for some time now explore drama therapy at CIty Lit, there is a taster in July. I will look at going to arvon creative writing retreats (thanks Steev). I will take up driving again, fed up with stinky buses and tubes.
Health
I will eradicate this gut condition and get a proper diagnosis which eludes still after 3 years. Will continue with the diet.
Debt
Bankruptcy or not will be known by end of March.
I will continue to make progress and inroads into debt issues, progress has been slow but steady during 2019. The big ones I have been avoiding I have started to tackle.
Teeth, sorted will be getting done in March
I will improve my core by doing things like Pilates
I will see about booking that Venice Simpson lake Garda break even if not this year.
House, to transform and shift rooms, the front room will shift to become bens bedroom and vice versa.
Family, we will all get together
I am also open to happy surprises, and lots of them in 2020!
Happy New Year, one and all!

[Monica1]

Ty for your post on my thread. Xmas is a difficult time and although I have been gf nearly two years and five months I always find myself at Xmas playing computer games compulsively.
You have made the right moves, counselling will help. Your gambling issue started in the same way as mine did, on line bingo, c autious about playing slots and when I did, bam, hooked.. then five years of huge damage.
There r always reasons why we become compulsive gamblers and counselling can help explore the whys although it is usually a perfect storm of reasons.
I hope to meet u in chat soon.
Keep posting. I also need to be frugal so can catch upon how that is going.

[Monica1]

Good to chat with you, sean and idi in chat.
I will tune in to support more. Have done my review of 2019 and will do my goals for 2020 in the next day or so.
I am back at work tomorrow, just as well.

[Monica1]

Over the Xmas period I play a lot of computer games and today have played compulsively. I play in the same way as I gambled. No drinks or food in that time. It is now 9.35 pm and have been playing since about 2. Have spent around 200 quid. Crazy but in some way I have been triggered. May be the emails from the suspended sites, around 6 of them.
Still no gambling but this is as close as it gets. Not huge damage but a waste. I will explore this in my next outreach session as play computer games as compulsively as when I was gambling. Maybe I am bored but I was meant to go out today shopping and didn’t.

[Monica1]

Well, it has been a bit bumpy, as the Queen said in her speech. Went through my resolutions and aims for 2019 just now. I succeeded in a few of them.
Yes, I went to the Dominican and it was a holiday from hell, nuff said.
I did not lose 21 lbs, I went a bit better than that, 30 lbs through diet changes.
Managed to control whatever it is I have from May through to early December on diet but it flared badly in December,
I have had two lovely spa breaks in the uk, one with my daughter and one on my own. Both were very enjoyable.
I haven’t doubled my bank balance, it has been quite decimated this year by some overspending but have had lots of treats and clothes shopping expeditions.
I have begun to tackle the biggest debts but won’t know until end March my inland revenue liability from which I will make the bankruptcy decision. It all takes a lot of time and I will be paying debts for another ten years if that’s the way it goes.
Was it able to take my mum to Austria as her health still isn’t great and her mobility poor, so not sure about that one, a bit of a pipe dream.
I have enjoyed a stable job and income, but it feels like the spell has been broken on that one and next year I will be looking to increase my income.
Surprise of the year, my wonderful granddaughters acting career, hugely enjoyable watching her in Mary poppins and she is in a west end theatre with the lead female role in February.
I have started the journey with a teeth and am booked in for top teeth extractions in March. He has changed his mind on implants but I don’t have enough cash at present.
I enjoyed being a patient twice for the international al Ayurvedic training institute but I haven’t found their treatments to be of any use, made things worse, if anything lol.
I started the journey to give up nicotine but have not succeeded yet.
It was wonderful to have an Xmas tree and to cater for my sons for the Xmas period. We still haven’t all got together as a family and I hope that will change for next year. The more years this doesn’t happen, it seems the harder it gets to do. My mum has only met her grandkids once or twice and three of them, not at all. I don’t think she could handle it, to be honest.
Brexit dominated the year and in London, there was a huge depressive cloud when the tories got back in. Ah well… I am sure many will regret that decision in the years to come.
So remaining gf has brought a lot of positives. I hve not gone without at all in 2019, my faith is strong but even two years and nearly five months gf I will be dealing with the debt fallout for years to come.

[Monica1]

I have had about six from different sites where I used to play. The gambling commission have suspended operations. Oh, how wonderful if could get it all back that was wasted on there. Dream on.

[Monica1]

Lovely to get a post from you. Yes, he did change his mind. the church asked him to help with the homeless Xmas dinner as security which he did. I knew he wouldn’t which is why he surprised me when he offered. Pete just doesn’t do Xmas u less he is helping in a homeless shelter somewhere. The vicar said he is growing his wings, hmmmm. He did ring on Xmas day though and spoke to both my mum and my sister, longer than he spoke to me.
I was so grateful to be pain free over Xmas and today am taking antispasmodics prophylactically as I did mess with my diet yesterday eating an m and s dessert and a tiny bit of melted Brie in an en croute. I drank a lot of tonic water over Xmas, I think it may have an anti spasm effect.
Thank you for your prayers for my brother in law, he is being discharged tomorrow as long as he understands how to do insulin. Their diet will really have to change. My sister was drinking gin and champers like water on Xmas day and I told her she must reduce her intake which she did the following two days.

[Monica1]

Was peaceful and pain free. All I could have asked for. Xmas day we had late lunch as my sister went to see her husband in hospital. He is still unstable with his blood sugars and awaiting mri result. Lunch was great and on Boxing Day my niece visited with my great nephew. Only downer was having to sleep in my brother in laws bed, my sisters home is so small. Made her change the sheets though on Xmas day. Not nice.
Had the best roast beef ever on Boxing Day and a bit of panacotta. And I was ok. Even had some cherry brandy and champers which we do every Xmas morn. Nice pressies too, Elemis, a watch and a beautiful jewellery box from my sister, angel perfume from my mum.
Rail replacement bus on way home so took twice as long. Both my sons were in eating the roast beef I got them so had another roast beef dinner. MY middle son said better than the Xmas dinner he had day before.
Spent last night watching back to back the sinner, which my son set up for me.and went for a facial today. Yes, Xmas was peaceful and lovely with just me, my sister and my mum. We didn’t miss my curmudgeon brother in law one bit but we all wish him better and well.

[Monica1]

Well, throughout December I have been plagued with gut problems without veering too much from my diet. However, one slice of cake on my birthday and day before yesterday ended up with a big problem yesterday morning.
Didn’t feel great when met up with Pete and Bailey for a drink last night. Stuck to a brandy as can’t really drink either. Very restricted. Filled the fridge with m and s Xmas food for Ben and the kids, so pleased my son cAme with me to pick it up, I would never save been able to carry it. My son saw the dentist, root canal infection, he has been in a lot of pain and self medicating with alcohol.
My brother in law is rallying, thank you for your prayers Vera. I have prayer him too, not this Xmas, no one can handle that. He has type 1 diabetes, and two infections hence his confusion. Not likely to be out Xmas, to be absolutely honest, it will be far better without his ocd curmudgeon attitude but I still wish him well and better.
Pete bought me three packs of cigs for Xmas, welcome and somewhat practical. Ah, the romance. He had plans for me to stay over but his elderly landlord put off till today going away so that put the kybosh on that. He was disappointed. Out of the blue saying goodbye he kissed me in the way a man kisses a woman. It was totally unexpected and is the first kiss in eight and a half years so felt strange to me. I don’t know how I feel about that and will reflect on it.
Aah well. He is helping me get to the station today.
I hope friends old and new on this site, has a wonderful peaceful and happy Christmas and a joyous, gf 2020.

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