[Monica1]

A stormy weekend with the internet going. I felt tired over the weekend and did very little. Saw my friend on Thursday and yesterday. They still can’t stop her tumour bleeds so it is a case of bleed then transfuse. After two sessions of radiotherapy she is ok.
My sons gf had her 20 week scan and there is a problem on it. Something wrong with the colon and both my son and her have had to have genetic tests for cystic fibrosis. I feel 100 per cent they will be negative but she now has to have some specialist scans. It’s a boy due 23rd June.
Brother in law still in hospital.
I am feeling like I have to do something about finances having all my salary spent a few days before payday. The monthly payment to 5revenue for just one of the four years I will be paying for years till we’ll after retirement is leaving me short now.
Good part of this week, seeing pete last night and exchanging valentines cards. We were both tired but it was still a nice couple of hours.
Lots of things going on with family and friends. I am grateful to be here but finances hmmmmm what to do. I dont want to be paying huge amounts of debt for years and years.

[Monica1]

A stormy weekend with the internet going. I felt tired over the weekend and did very little. Saw my friend on Thursday and yesterday. They still can’t stop her tumour bleeds so it is a case of bleed then transfuse. After two sessions of radiotherapy she is ok.
My sons gf had her 20 week scan and there is a problem on it. Something wrong with the colon and both my son and her have had to have genetic tests for cystic fibrosis. I feel 100 per cent they will be negative but she now has to have some specialist scans. It’s a boy due 23rd June.
Brother in law still in hospital.
I am feeling like I have to do something about finances having all my salary spent a few days before payday. The monthly payment to 5revenue for just one of the four years I will be paying for years till we’ll after retirement is leaving me short now.
Good part of this week, seeing pete last night and exchanging valentines cards. We were both tired but it was still a nice couple of hours.
Lots of things going on with family and friends. I am grateful to be here but finances hmmmmm what to do. I dont want to be paying huge amounts of debt for years and years.

[Monica1]

Tuesday a much better day. The rollercoaster that has thus far been 2020 continues. Got to see my friend Tuesday evening briefly. She continues to have tumour bleeds and transfusions. She asked me how she looked and tbh she looks in good condition for someone who has advanced cancer. She has been very brave but I sensed an underlying anxiety. My sister prayed for her and I will get her onto a church prayer healing list. Prayers for my friend Charmaine please if anyone reads my thread.
Today on a mad day at work my brother in law urgently admitted to hospital. His health has deteriorated since the Xmas admission losing his eyesight and has tremors. He now has acute cholecystitis known to be one of the most painful conditions and gallstones to add to his troubles. On morphine and antibiotics. Hope that does the trick as he is unlikely to survive surgery.

[Monica1]

For your stalwart replies on my thread. It was id theft. Didn’t sleep Sunday night and was tired and fed up all day. Rang the bank at day end and they said that amazon had reimbursed and managed to stop it. But I believe that when I see it. Felt better and slept well. Truth is if there is a problem they are awful. My card being stopped has disrupted a few payments. How they allowed my card to be used on another’s account is troubling. Not secure and no one took responsibility.
Had to cancel seeing my friend.
A new day today.

[Monica1]

For your stalwart replies on my thread. It was id theft. Didn’t sleep Sunday night and was tired and fed up all day. Rang the bank at day end and they said that amazon had reimbursed and managed to stop it. But I believe that when I see it. Felt better and slept well. Truth is if there is a problem they are awful. My card being stopped has disrupted a few payments. How they allowed my card to be used on another’s account is troubling. Not secure and no one took responsibility.
Had to cancel seeing my friend.
A new day today.

[Monica1]

Every time I feel reasonably content, some crap always happens. Today it is storm Ciara, trees down and internet down. Today I find out that someone has used my card on amazon to make a large transaction and cleaned out my bank account. 4 calls to bank and 4 almost yelling at a daft amazon call centre in India and no one is taking responsibility. Even police fraud emailed me to say a crime not committed. I give up today…

[Monica1]

Yes, we do have some similarities. I also started in my fifties and did massive damage financially and to my health. Early recovery working through emotions also was overwhelming for me and I struggled with this. My early story is on here.
But it does pass. Like idi, I found the gma women’s programme helpful. The most helpful to me was regaining my faith and trusting my higher power. Pete said to me yesterday I have emerged out of it all a stronger person, and he is right, and a better person. A lot of things have recovered in my life and I feel blessed to have happy days.
So working through the feelings of sadness with a counsellor can help as can journaling. I went through a period of deep depression, anger and sadness but it does pass. The destruction of gambling can no longer be something we have in our lives. Not if we want to have any sort of happiness. It’s a choice and I choose me and I choose life.
And yes, there has been a tendency towards addiction in my life which now is just the smoking and a tendency to overspend. But I have started to budget and opened a savings account.

[Monica1]

Another hectic week. My friend didn’t need surgery, it all started working and I went to see her on her birthday, her 48th Thursday evening. I bought her a cake and some wheatgrass juice, and bone broth, bought her 2 weeks supply of wheatgrass for her b,day. The nurses also bought her a cake and sang happy birthday. Docs panicked because she had a couple of bleeds but she didn’t panic. Radiotherapy started yesterday which should stop the bleeds.
My Friday was lovely. Worked from home, really busy with my head reeling with things to do, but Pete popped round for lunch, which I cooked, and a bath as he only has a shower at his house. My son was in Brighton with his girlfriend looking at flats. We spent the evening together and had a few brandies. It was a lovely end to the week having just got home just now. Just can’t help loving that man.
I have stopped gma outreach for now as I find I am Ok and will get back in touch when I have to go down the bankruptcy route which I have been trying hard to avoid. I have started paying a significant monthly amount towards just one years inland revenue debt. That will go on for through to retirement. a
ANd again I have a letter saying they won’t let my company be struck out by companies house five years after it was closed. All the money owed by my company went on gambling. So, I need to write letters again.
Enjoy each day is my motto these days and take everything one day at a time.

[Monica1]

Well done. Delighted to hear how things r going. Well u r right about gambling being the worst addiction. In my view it is. Good luck with the job and hope u tune in to the site from time to time.

[Monica1]

Today all in all was a good day. Didn’t start off great with my friend calling me to say her stoma had failed and she was in a lot of pain. Eased with a synthetic opiate but she may need surgery urgently. I find myself thinking about her a lot.
Later went to see my granddaughter perform at her majestic s theatre. It was wonderful and just the ticket to take my mind off things. The entire clan was there, and even my grandsons went. Even though I bought a ticket when I got there I sat right next to my ex and his girlfriend. I mean honestly….
Met up with Pete for a drink in way home, which was lovely. He said the night we spent together was perfect, and do you know, it was. Today I am feeling blessed with the things money can’t buy.

[Monica1]

I am sure steev will help with names of organisations that can help where u r. He is good at that.
I am nearly two and a half years gf and owe a lot more than the amount you owe not that it’s a competition but to show there is life after stopping gambling and we deal with one thing at a time. It gets better, it really does. I too was threatened with prison over bills here in the U.K. I had just neglected. I dealt with that first when I felt strong enough to do so. Here in the U.K. if you explain your situation ie recovering gambler they do treat you different and most but not all have been much less harsh than they might be. You will have days where u don’t feel like doing anything and not being able to face it early on and then days when you do and deal with it all one at a time. I am still dealing with it but I can see progress. One day at a time.

[Monica1]

Ty for your post on my thread, helpful and positive. I have to admit I read your thread first earlier. It was very pleasing to read. One of the things I most appreciate is the ability to self care and build new and better versions of ourselves internally and externally. My friend yesterday was surprised ie what have you done, you look ten years younger than when I last saw you well over a year ago. Well, that is self care and looking after ourselves.
I hope we speak in group soon and I can hear about how the new version of you is shaping up and what things you have bought for the house. Like you, we have both known the pain of having nothing and everything being neglected whilst gambling. That is precisely what makes it so joyous now. X

[Monica1]

My work week was good, hectic and strangely satisfying. Haven’t posted as my iPad was out for a few days, just wouldn’t charge. Took it to iPad hospital yesterday and it decided to charge. Hmmmph.
Mum is home and my sister will go there for the weekend. She is refusing external support but the council r acting quick to put an alarm in and modify her home.
Had yesterday and Monday off. I went to see my friend with cancer in hospital. We haven’t seen each other for some time although we have texted and speak regularly. She is now having fortnightly blood transfusions as the tumour is bleeding. They told her the cancer has gone to her lung with a large tumour but she is in reasonable spirits considering and looks ok but a little pale. She still has an appetite which is good. I got her some m and s food. They also said she isn’t strong enough for chemo and may try immunotherapy down the line. She was pleased about that. We had a nice chat but when I got home it is weighing heavily on my mind. She is 47 and has had so many challenges in life. They r keeping her in for palliative radiotherapy to shrink the tumour because of bleeds.
I have not spent any money on games but bought things for the house and am keeping to a budget and opened a savings account.
I am grateful for each day.

[Monica1]

It’s strange in life how things can arise on issues we may never have quite dealt with. I stay in regular contact by text with my friend with cancer and have recommended some of the things that have helped me with my gut and immunity although today I had a small attack because I ate a bit of the big no no cheese yesterday. The healer I can’t stand for good reasons and who comes between my friend and I wished her well and I guess is touting for her to back and spend a lot of money. We both agreed that our friendship can withstand this particular man whom I really seem to react to. I just find him toxic so we agreed not to mention his name and a really awkward moment passed.
I am keeping to a budget now but went over on a monthly allowance for clothes shopping. Posh shop sale today so I just have to deduct it from my planned savings this month which won’t be much.
Had a facial today to get over last weeks disaster and one for sensitive skin.
Got home and distraught call from my sis who says mum in hospital again. She managed the local hairdresser but today went to next town to do her shopping and collapsed. She only shops m and s. Overdoing it. Even I use Ocado delivery now after hurting my back carrying heavy shopping before Xmas. My sister said she couldn’t possibly go as nick quite unwell and she has to do everything. I reassured her that she didn’t have to go, it is a 130 mile round trip. I am sure mum will be ok but dear me she has to slow down and get help with her shopping.

[Monica1]

Congrats on your 20 weeks gf. Your trip sounds lovely. As I always love hearing about shopping trips, whaddaya get?

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