[Monica1]

Spent most of this bank holiday weekend alone and realised that this has been one trigger in the past. The chest and stomach pain returned after abating for 24 hours so I could go to Ga. My brain and body feel tired. I feel like half the person I used to be pregambling and wonder if I am in some sort of withdrawal from the last 48 hour binge. My last relapse was caused in part by a stressful job and also by a sense of hopelessness. After going to Step change, the debt charity in May, a debt management plan would want around two thousAnd per month just on debts till I retire and that just seemed insurmountable. A small pension I was due was cashed in and went on gambling at the beginning of the year. Plus the bailiffs and the constant letters from creditors, most of which sit in a pile unopened until I have the bravery to open them. One such letter I did open this weekend and was surprised to find as a small tax rebate which will cover half of my rent arrears. Thank you Jesus. I owe the IRS thousands and yet they send me a small rebate… the reality of living like this for years and years, and even my pregambling days was rife with debt as the only financial support for my family, takes its toll and am left with a sense of hopelessness, that the debts will never go away and that I have denied myself many things in life by gambling. Can a hopeless situation ever be redeemed? I think only in Christ now can it be so. I wish to be reborn. My previous life has to be over and there must be a better way to live. I am working the third step and surrendering to my higher power. Day 14 today. Odaat.

[Monica1]

Yes, stress certainly does cause a lot of physical symptoms. I thought I was having a heart attack or at least a stomach ulcer. My despair started to change when I accepted Christ into my life. I prayed and repented and something started to subtly change from that moment on. I dreamed last night that I was going to a new school and that I could not smoke at this school! Probably that the smoking needs to go at some point too. I still have all the problems my appalling gambling habit created. The GA meeting this evening was very powerful. I am used to being the only woman but we were joined by at least 4 new members this evening, 2 of them women. When I went last week I was completely broken. I am still broken but a work in progress and I don’t feel as terrible as I did last week. I feel thankful for hope, gratefully embracing the possibility that I can change with the support from God and fellowship of GA. I need to transform myself. Yes, gambling can lead us into oblivion from the pain of our lives but knowing that there is hope is a wonderful thing for me, as I thought there was none and the on,y way out of the mess I have created was to end it all. It isn’t. I am working the third step which is surrendering to my higher power. I am noticing it now working in my life, and for that I am thankful.

[Monica1]

Yes, stress certainly does cause a lot of physical symptoms. I thought I was having a heart attack or at least a stomach ulcer. My despair started to change when I accepted Christ into my life. I prayed and repented and something started to subtly change from that moment on. I dreamed last night that I was going to a new school and that I could not smoke at this school! Probably that the smoking needs to go at some point too. I still have all the problems my appalling gambling habit created. The GA meeting this evening was very powerful. I am used to being the only woman but we were joined by at least 4 new members this evening, 2 of them women. When I went last week I was completely broken. I am still broken but a work in progress and I don’t feel as terrible as I did last week. I feel thankful for hope, gratefully embracing the possibility that I can change with the support from God and fellowship of GA. I need to transform myself. Yes, gambling can lead us into oblivion from the pain of our lives but knowing that there is hope is a wonderful thing for me, as I thought there was none and the on,y way out of the mess I have created was to end it all. It isn’t. I am working the third step which is surrendering to my higher power. I am noticing it now working in my life, and for that I am thankful.

[Monica1]

Hi Vera, been a tough week with. Chest pain for 3 dAys which after praying hard, completely disappeared this morning. My situation has not changed, still have the repossession and no benefits for at least 7 weeks. But, went to GA this evening and found it very supportive and helpful. It is a wonderful fellowship and when listening in to everyone’s stories, realised that there are people wih even worse stories than me. So, do I feel different, yes, I have hope.

[Monica1]

Yes, I was going to see my gp today but did not go because I was too tired. I do not think the samaritans are a wonderful service, sorry. I do not want to talk to a stranger who has no idea how I am feeling. They Also cannot give advice so just make soothing simpering noises that if I find quite nauseating. I have a roof for now, I do have bits of food. I have a phone for about another week till it gets cut off along wih electricity and the internet. I do not own my own home. I rent and they will go ahead and evict. They have already said as such. Priests nope, do not go to church and am out of prayers. Have prayed too much. No reply.

[Monica1]

I am trapped inside my home with everything falling apart around me. No one understand the depth of how close to the edge I am. I genuinely cannot see a way out and cannot reach it even if there is. My family really do not understand. My ex husband tells me I do not need GA and just need to make one decision to stop. I tell him I have already made that decision. He says I should stop trying to find someone to rescue me. When you can’t save yourself where else is there to go? How bad do things have to get? I am watching the fallout from my last binge and cannot stop it. No one can. . I will not be on the street, I would sooner die. No one responds to the posts on here so I guess I am talking to thin air.

[Monica1]

Thank you for replying Vera. Yes it has me completely beat. Woke up today feeling sick to my stomach at how insane everything has gotten. My son in law is giving me 40 quid from an old loan that I gave him. Before gambling I was the person everyone came to for a loan. Now I am 1 step away from skid row. Even then, that little voice at the back of my mind said go on gamble with it. Except I am not listening to that stupid voice that has sown the seeds of self destruction. I have been here before. At the last relapse I was out of work for 4 months, which was a very depressing time. Every day same as the previous one until life finally shifted and then I attracted the same job as the situation I was in ie working for a bankrupt business. I do contract work which is highly paid and I have got into the habit of blowing my weekly pay on gambling. When the relapse starts there is a element of control which very quickly goes out of the window and always ends up in insanity. So I can never ever gamble again. I know and accept that. I hope when you say for every rock bottom there is a trap door doesn’t mean that it is possible to fall even further down or it means a way out! This is certainly a progressive disease with each relapse worse than the last. I need to find that person who I used to be and I agree that it will take time to heal. Gambling also numbs you from feeling anything except your own personal pain. I have surrendered but do not want to go through the 4 months of absolutely nothing that I did earlier in the year. That was soul destroying. Maybe GA is the difference as I did not go to GA when I relapsed last time or seek the help of the forums which are a lifeline. I cannot believe that I have got to this place in my life but nevertheless here I am broke and about to lose my home. Whatever it takes my life is not going to end like this. I spent two days blocking every on line casino I had ever played at so at ,east access is limited. There are still some I haven’t played at that I have found but will not be in action on them. It is better than I hate them. I am now an extinct player…….

[Monica1]

E I read everywhere about making a financial plan. I have to live with blowing a months rent and everything in my bank account, no job and no income. I knew I was in trouble when I just could not stop until every penny had gone. I will be evicted before I get any benefits. The guilt I feel about my stupidity keeps coming back at me. I can’t sell anything as I own nothing. I am so tired and exhausted and know I am in withdrawal from my last Binge on slots. On day six recovery now. Over my five years of addiction I have blown hundreds of thousands and before I hit rock bottom I would get my weekly pay and blow all of it within a day. That’s over 1k per week. Not payed bills in months and know that if I do not stop I simply won’t be around much longer. Any suggestions s to what to do. My body aches as well as the exhaustion. Is this a symptom of stopping being a slot (aka crack) fiend

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