[Monica1]

Well, finally got to see GP today and told him the whole sorry story. Have to have some tests but being treated for a stomach ulcer. Went to GA this evening and chose a sponsor for working Steps 1 to 3 even though I myself are on step 3,surrendering to my higher power. This works folks. In answer to Charles about how I am filling my days, resting, playing games on my iPad and looking for a job. Have been physically unwell so being easy on myself. Finding GA a great support.

[Monica1]

Well, finally got to see GP today and told him the whole sorry story. Have to have some tests but being treated for a stomach ulcer. Went to GA this evening and chose a sponsor for working Steps 1 to 3 even though I myself are on step 3,surrendering to my higher power. This works folks. In answer to Charles about how I am filling my days, resting, playing games on my iPad and looking for a job. Have been physically unwell so being easy on myself. Finding GA a great support.

[Monica1]

Well, finally got to see GP today and told him the whole sorry story. Have to have some tests but being treated for a stomach ulcer. Went to GA this evening and chose a sponsor for working Steps 1 to 3 even though I myself are on step 3,surrendering to my higher power. This works folks. In answer to Charles about how I am filling my days, resting, playing games on my iPad and looking for a job. Have been physically unwell so being easy on myself. Finding GA a great support.

[Monica1]

Thanks I did it for your post of encouragement. Day 22 today. My ex has cooked a great meal so that feels better to get that inside of me and has given me 25 quid. So that is all good. I am going to look for the good in each day which when out of work, every day feels the same. I am grateful to be alive still but do struggle with motivation at the moment. In respect of the rent. I have rung them. They do not want to evict but will. They said they would get their financial inclusion team to call me but that was over a week ago. I will call them again tomorrow. The reason re financial inclusion is that because I have a second bedroom, the benefits system do not pay all the rent and it is 150 short a month which leaves nothing to live on or pay bills. Take note all from the UK, that this Government are criminally responsible for hurting the vulnerable. Well, that rant over, I am just taking it all 1 day at a time,building strength and being aware that something positive will come out of this, even if it serves as a warning to others as to the eventual outcome of a gambling addiction. I am grateful that I only ever used my own money or loans to gamble. In New Life the other day, the GA mag, the end result for the addicted gambler is prison, homelessness, mental institution or suicide. Well, I have been close to the edge with my sanity and am one step away from the homelessness. No more time to be wasted gambling ever again.

[Monica1]

Hi Vera and all,
ThAnks for getting back. Yes, you are right about the impatience. Thanks for the reminder about higher power. Just went for a walk through the park. Feel a little better in myself today. The exhaustion goes when I start to move. The tummy pain has eAsed off after 3 weeks with it. I am forcing myself to eat small amounts regularly as been unable to Eat properly since the repossession order kicked in. Hope this continues and my strength returns.

[Monica1]

After a truly awful week with chest and stomach pain, I went to GA last evening, If there is just one thing i positively dothis week it is to go to GA. I felt the floodgates open prior to Going and sure enough they did open. I was angry with God and then even angrier with myself. It’s not God fault, it’s mine. A member took mefor something to eat after and for a chat which helped a it. I came back and read jonnys posts. I feel the same self blame and guilt, having lost a similar amount of money over 5years. Enough to have bought a house and do e something useful with. This last relapse was the end for me and rock bottom. The cg was at its. It’s destructive. I wonder whether any normality will ever be regained. Virtually destitute, it seems that there is no let up to my abject misery. I wonder whether it is too late for me. Is my God a punishing God. Sometimes I think so. My sister texted me. She looks after my frail mum who almost passed during emergency surgery last year and has recently had cataract surgery and has developed complications so back to the hospital. I cannot bear seeing close family suffering any way. She ended the text with hope all is well with you. Bloody hell, how many times do I have to shout it from the rooftops that all is not well with me. My family just seem to think this is minor and I will bounce back. I know it is not minor, that this is life or death to me. I am still choosing life and hope that life chooses me. day 19. No improvement or let up in my personal situation.

[Monica1]

Hi, no not possible to move I in with family as no room in any oftheir houses. Sons are staying with their father and I already rang him and had to put the phone down. Long lecture that I did not need GA etc. My mother is frail and my sister cares for her. There has always been the assumption from my family that I bounce back and don’t need help. They just don’t get it. You see I really am on my own. Phone help from GA no answer after three tries. Every relapse has pulled me even lower. I know that the CG inside me wanted me to die this time. I know it. There is literally nohelp there. An admission will just prolong my illness even more. I need to step out of that and quickly try and recovery the situation. Except when you keep hitting your head against a brick wall and getting nowhere, you feel that it is pointless. This is more than a wake up call, it is the last chance saloon.

[Monica1]

Hi, no not possible to move I in with family as no room in any oftheir houses. Sons are staying with their father and I already rang him and had to put the phone down. Long lecture that I did not need GA etc. My mother is frail and my sister cares for her. There has always been the assumption from my family that I bounce back and don’t need help. They just don’t get it. You see I really am on my own. Phone help from GA no answer after three tries. Every relapse has pulled me even lower. I know that the CG inside me wanted me to die this time. I know it. There is literally nohelp there. An admission will just prolong my illness even more. I need to step out of that and quickly try and recovery the situation. Except when you keep hitting your head against a brick wall and getting nowhere, you feel that it is pointless. This is more than a wake up call, it is the last chance saloon.

[Monica1]

Hi
Jonny, thanks for the pep talk. I am nearly 60. I am a life long meditator. I have done all the positive affirmations so many times.. Issue is now I don’t believe them because of where my energy is at. It feels like I am finished on many levels. I had a car crash of a telephone interview on Friday, and was forgetful. I forgot where I last worked. But I did just have 20 minutes notice of it and clearly my head was not in the right place. There is now a lack of work in what I do. It has been more difficult to get contracts as I have gotten older over the past couple of years and that is affecting me. It feels hard to go back out into a world I don’t really care much for. Last time out of work was 4 months following a relapse, and the contract I went into did not work out for many reasons least of all doing three people jobs and it being 4 hours dailytravel. Feels insurmountable. It feels like the universe won’t shift until I do. So need to get out of this stuckness.

[Monica1]

Friends, being a CG brings nothing but pain and despair. I have stopped eating, chain smoke and can’t sleep at the thought of being out on the street. I literally can’t do anything. I feel like I am just waiting to die. Will this pain ever go away? Nowhere to go and nothing to do. Don’t see the point of living. This is as bad as it gets. Looking for a glimmer of hope and finding none.

[Monica1]

Thanks for the reply Vera. Still very tough. My work coach tried to find some help for me. There is nothing. I think this addiction won’t let go until it kills me. That is honestly how I feel. No help for me. No answer from the GA people who gave me their phone number. I still don’t understand the statement every rock bottom has a trap door. You mean it can get worse?. I am a professional woman or at least I used to be. Still getting chest pain and the suggestion today was that I should go into a hostel for the homeless? I am beginning to see the only way out now as suicide. I genuinely cannot continue living in this hell. Why have I been abandoned in this way? GI had hoped that things would begin to get better like GA sAid they would but they are just getting worse.

[Monica1]

Tough day today. Just as a reminder where the CG in my life has taken me. I would normally receive 1st benefit on 3rd September. Because of my pay that went on gambling I do not qualify for any help till 3rd October. Too late to save the house. Don’t qualify for a loan. Suggestion, go to charity. I now see the CG as the enemy. It can only seek to destroy and it has virtually succeeded.

[Monica1]

Hi Jonny
Thank you so much or your post and words of encouragement. I will certainly do the exercises as I have been an isolated couch potato for a long time. Alas, my children can only help in small ways. At my last relapse, I gave my middle son a certain amount of money every week when I was working. And alas he spent it but has nearly paid me back in a short space of time. I do not blame him for this. He also gambles, not to the insanity I did, but nevertheless it could easily make the switch. My daughters husband gave me 50 quid and my eldest son, who has recently become unemployed says he will buy food when I need it. I have been very reflective. I often wonder what life would have been like if I had role models or mentors. I have not had this in my life and have had to go through life virtually on my own without any wise counsel. I wonder how many people in life also share this and wonder what could have been if the right start in life and emotional support had been in place. One of the issues I will have is that there is no one at all who could manage money for me. None of my family have enough and it would be very shortsighted of me to repeat the same mistake as despite their best efforts they are likely to spend it. Thanks again for your support.

[Monica1]

I just had a chat with m y eldest son about the impact my gambling had on him. Very little he said. I had never borrowed money from him and that this was my form of self harm after having the rug pulled out from under my feet when I had tried hard for so many years pre gambling to keep everything together, more so than anyone else. He said that many times he had warned me about where it would end up and that I had accused him of being judgmental. So, very litle damage to my eldest son aside from gambling away any inheritance money. I know my children well enough to know they don’t place money above other things.

[Monica1]

I just had a chat with m y eldest son about the impact my gambling had on him. Very little he said. I had never borrowed money from him and that this was my form of self harm after having the rug pulled out from under my feet when I had tried hard for so many years pre gambling to keep everything together, more so than anyone else. He said that many times he had warned me about where it would end up and that I had accused him of being judgmental. So, very litle damage to my eldest son aside from gambling away any inheritance money. I know my children well enough to know they don’t place money above other things.

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