[Monica1]

Well, have been fighting off depression over my situation. My eldest son rang and said he would send my middle son round to pay 200 pounds off my rent arrears but not to me but directly to my landlord. My middle son was the one that spent the money I gave him when I was working. He has paid most of it back and the rest he is unable to payback. He explained that business has been very quiet and he had been having a losing streak and owed the poker club a few hundred. Concerned about his gambling. He believes he has control. He is meeting a young man similar to him shortly who has made a lot of money from an app he invented when he was eleven. My son was quite embarrassed because he is very smart and does the same profession. Whilst my son is broke this youn manis making shedloads of money and is much younger than y sons thirty three years. I rang my landlord who said they would not action the court until 3rd Octoberwhen I should receive my first benefit payment. That was somewhat of a relief. Trickles of hope and movement. Went to GA this evening which was a strength and hope meeting. Only female tonight. One of the older members spoke about his days in prison and his obsession with gambling having been brought up wit it since a child. There are a lot of these older guys who have been in and out of prison because of gambling. Got my thirty day gambling free pin tonight. Not as well attended as usual this evening maybe because of the tube bombings. God be with all the injured and their families.

[Monica1]

Hi Vera,
Most appropriate for now. Thanks Vera.

[Monica1]

Another quiet day today slept for long periods. Was ina bit of what i call a therapy fog from yesterdays GA meeting. I had been having some memories come to consciousness of my fathers physical and emotional abuse when I was a child. I had dealt with this many years ago and had forgiven him particularly after he passed in 2006. But these memories came to mind yesterday which I guess is part of the healing
Process. We had a GA session last week on the link between pain and spiritual growth. Met with my sponsor before the GA step 4 meeting yesterday. A number of people at the meeting including my sponsor were going through something. The speaker had attempted suicide with enough pills to kill an an elephant and was in a coma for days and left with a permanent disability because of it. I resonated with the deep place of pain that this addiction can leave you with where suicide seems tobetheonlyoption. Part of my addiction was fuelled by having had quite a painful life and wanting an end to that. My sponsor said to me that suicide is a choice. I chided him today and said never that to someone who is suicidal. I myself a wondering how long I will be in the purgatory I am in now and the message I got was that all things pass andnothing is permanent which I am holding on to. I am Ok in myself, still tired somewhat, but free of pain which is good,

[Monica1]

Hi Jappy799. you are in the right place. Youth is on your side. This addiction will just get worse and worse. It does not get better and we are fooling ourselves if we ever think we can ever gain any control over it. The first step is to tell someone and admit that we are powerless over gambling and that our lives have become unmanageable. I am now 30 days i to recovery and this addiction has taken me to destitution. compulsive gamblers never win and if you think it is bad now, keep going and each time you have a big blowout how we feel just gets worse and worse until we make the decision that we really no longer want to feel like this and stop. Compulsive gamblers never win. A big win is always a loss.

[Monica1]

Hi Vera/all
Yes, my day was not that productive either. I woke up quite tired and slept till 12. Took my ex partners dog for a walk which I dont do that often and he dragged me all round the park chasing squirrels. Rang my sponsor and was invited to a step 4 meeting tomorrow evening which I will go to. Yes, Vera it is on YouTube just google GA speakers. It was an American guy and the well know British ex soldier who hit the newspapers with his story. Tomorrow day 30. One day at a time.

[Monica1]

I was also a Vip on a number of sites. Just for me I used to call it very idiotic person! It keeps its hooks in you that way. We are a VIP because we are giving them loads of our money for nothing!

[Monica1]

Completely agree with Vera. I have met some wonderful and sensitive people in GA. Many addicted people are what I would call great souls. I am finding GA incredibly hopeful and supportive. I am waking up to myself. Some of what we look at isn’t pretty but I am glad to have the opportunity to look at it without fear.

[Monica1]

Well done for going to GA. I was at rock bottom 4 weeks ago when I went. Still have same issues and problems caused by gambling but I have found true fellowship there and I feel differently to how I did. Keep posting about your journey I did it.

[Monica1]

Hi, we have insomnia in common then Vera. Today I spoke to my sponsor this morning, who recommended watching GA speakers which I did. This was inspiring and funny. This afternoon I did a course in discipleship with feedback from a coach. I am finding in Jesus hope and regaining my strength. The old life had to go and be reborn again. There was just too much pain and crap in it. The meds have kicked in quickly and I no longer have pain after I eat.

[Monica1]

Well done on chairing a GA meeting. It means that you are really doing well in your recovery to the extent that you are helping others which you do anyway on this site. We are all grateful for that as if you didn’t most of the time we would be talking to thin air. I am really pleased for you. On the diet, I have not been able to eat anything much for the past 4 weeks ever since the repossession notice firstly because I was in so much pain and secondly because there is hardly any food around. Once I get back on my feet, the diet has to get better and the smoking will have to go also.But one thing ata time. The medication is kicking in and the pain much reduced. I managed to eat some chicken soup and noodles this evening with hardly any pain, whereas before it was hours of pain after eating previously. My tv has packed in which is a good thing as I am looking at energy medicine techniques to use to make me feel better and also reading self help type stuff. Will let you know how I get on with those. My hours when I am out of work go very weird, I am up most of the night and sleep during the day till after 12. That will need to change soon too.

[Monica1]

Well, not been well with this ulcer hardly able to hold anything in my tum without pain, but the strong ulcer medication I am taking has started to kick in and not in so much pain later today. I am putting together a programme of things I must start to do this week, will let you all know if I succeed or not. Had an email in caps for the bailiffs, this is your last chance etc. Deleted it. Can hardly speak to these horrible people who being to some other human race and make a living out of other people’s misery. Dealing with the debt will come later. For now, I am just focusing on getting physically well and saving my home, if that is possible. Good not to be in so much pain as I was. Left me in tears. I recognise the link between the stress of my situation and ending up with a stomach ulcer. Also the unexpressed emotions of anger and pain that have been stored in my body and are now being released for healing. That is the way I like to see it. That this is a release and the only way I can go is further along the recovery path. Day 27 today. Odaat with my higher power running this particular show.

[Monica1]

Hi, I did it. I have now been to 4 meetings of GA. I can honestly say in my five and a half year gambling habit GA is the thing that is helping me most. I found counselling with gamcare and the national problem gambling clinic pretty useless. GA is founded on spiritual principles and fellowship. You will not find any judgment there. And some people’s stories are worse than my own. I find compassion and humility from attending and also practical help in embarking on the 12 step programme. I have just started on it with a sponsor. I also care about other people finding out but really I think this is a minor worry compared to the benefit of the programme. I believe it will help me to get myself back to who I used to be only better.

[Monica1]

Hi, I did it. I have now been to 4 meetings of GA. I can honestly say in my five and a half year gambling habit GA is the thing that is helping me most. I found counselling with gamcare and the national problem gambling clinic pretty useless. GA is founded on spiritual principles and fellowship. You will not find any judgment there. And some people’s stories are worse than my own. I find compassion and humility from attending and also practical help in embarking on the 12 step programme. I have just started on it with a sponsor. I also care about other people finding out but really I think this is a minor worry compared to the benefit of the programme. I believe it will help me to get myself back to who I used to be only better.

[Monica1]

Really good!

[Monica1]

Really good!

[Author]

Posts