[Monica1]

Woke up feeling very tired. Told my 1st benefit will be delayed until I produce other medical certificate. No let up at day 45. Have been avoiding opening letters and phone calls from debt collectors for some time as cannot deal with it. Spoke to one today who said that as I had a mental Heath problem would not call for another thirty days. This brought it all home to me today. This situation feels like it will never end. No money since the eleventh august. This is the uk folks. I am getting tired and cannot tolerate this situation for much longer. Given food bank vouchers for one miles away. Day 45. Still no change.

[Monica1]

Jappy is right rainmaker. we have all done it, some of us over time for similar amounts of money. You are not alone, it is a sickness and it is progressive. The depression is normal. You must go and get some help either on the groups here or GA. On day 43, GA is my lifeline and you will get no judgment and the support you require. My last relapse was a 48 hour meltdown too and I lost every penny. The destructive CG was at is worst. And I do not want to go back to that. It takes some serious work on oneself but what is the alternative. Starting the cycle again and again until we end up mad, suicidal or commit crime to feed the beast. That is the choice. Keep posting rainman. We know how you feel as we have all been there and it takes time to heal.

[Monica1]

I am on day 42 abstinence after hitting rock bottom. My Gp agrees I am depressed but was happy to go with my view to not want a chemical cosh to function. I am fairly sure that antidepressants help some people but they are also addictive. Better to get to the root cause of the depression. No doubt that a gambling addiction causes severe depression and can induce manic depression with the highs and lows. This is just my own view. Best to speak to a medical professional. Sanity and regaining back ourselves can happen when we stop gambling. My outer circumstances have nit changed and that would depress anyone but my GA friends have noticed a difference in the broken me that went to my first meeting and the me now with all my problems. Hope that helps.

[Monica1]

Hi, trailrunner. Yes it is possible to quit the crack cocaine of the gambling world. Firstly you have to really want to and that normally means hitting rock bottom as this addiction is progressive taking people to suicide, prison or insanity. So do you really want to stop trailrunner? If you do, go get help from GA, who are excellent at support, and cut off your access to money and the casinos. Sounds like you gamble in casinos trailrunner? Self exclude. I hit rock bottom playing slots for five and a half years. I a. On day 42, and attend GA. Has. Y situation improved in that time. Sorry to say it hasn’t but I know that overtime it will. It takes time to regain what the addiction has taken away from us and that is mostly our self. They say it takes 30 days to rewire the brain from a slot addiction. My experience is there is an element of truth in that. In the first few weeks of abstinence my brain did not function as it usually does with depression, tiredness and forgetfulness. That is gradually going. So it is a journey we go on to regain the parts of ourselves that have been lost to this ghastly addiction. What I do know trailrunner is that this addiction cannot be fought on our own. It really cannot so go get help and support to quit if that is really what you decide to do. This addiction has ways of keeping the hooks in and we have to break each and every one of them. Good luck.

[Monica1]

Thanks Jonny. I do have a sponsor at GA and we are starting the Step work tomorrow. I also post regularly at rethink ga bling where I have a couple of lady kindred spirits with a lot in common. This is the site where I receive the least replies except for yourself, Vera and I did it. I had read all your posts Jonny and can relate very well to your experience. I am trying to learn patience but not much has changed. Ga folk say I am doing well. My answer to that is that 41 days is nothing, I once stayed stopped for nine months. My usual is 3 to 4 months then relapse. I have no money at all. The real test is having money and consistently staying clean. Thanks for replying Jonny, I feel like I know you and your struggles with gambling from your posts.

[Monica1]

Haven’t posted for a few days as get fed up wth no replies. I have been sleeping a lot and realised that I am clinically depressed so self referred for counselling. A job that I was going to be offered fell through as I realised the expenses were too high, at least 1k per month, so too far really and I would not be able to clam thembackuntilyear end. The work coach at the dole office would not give me the fare help to get to a interview to discuss the logistics of the job. Right job and organisation but just wrong location. Had some spiritual counselling this evening which I found helpful to the extent I went out of the house to the shop. My daughter has invited me to stay with her for a short while by the coast which I am considering.

[Monica1]

Thanks for posting I did it. Like you when out of my home environment I never gamble. The issues are all to do with home. I am glad you haven’t taken things down to 0 as I did. That is the next stage I did it. You are so right to throw your all into it. That is what it will take. It is the enemy out to destroy and it will. I am glad you are finding some support from GA. we cannot do this on our own. That I know from many fruitless attempts to give up on my own. Even with therapy I did not stop. Hitting your own personal rock bottom is when recovery starts. Let us know how you get on.

[Monica1]

Well done for not gambling. Very sorry to hear about your family member. It is possibly the most difficult thing to do, to sit with a family member who is making the transition from this life. No one should be in pain on this journey. Are they getting all the appropriate palliative or hospice care? Remember that you are not alone and that there are people on this forum who care.

[Monica1]

Hi, thanks for your post on my journal. Maybe I can adapt my learning to a Christian way. I will give that to Jesus to work on. Please let us know how you are doing I did it.

[Monica1]

Well large meal last night and tummy pain from it but I overate. I slept for 20 hours. Does anyone else get sleeping sickness when the autumn equinox comes along? This afternoon I have spent on line supporting two members who have relapsed, one of whom has hit their personal rock bottom. Another on line friend who is usually very strong in abstinence has emotional difficulties with their family and has urges. The rock bottom I have directed to Gordon moody as GA too far to travel and does not drive. Shame that GA can be a little too geographically spread out. Gambling is the devil On our shoulder that knows only destruction, maybe not now but it is patient and bides it’s time each relapse taking us further down. Not for me, not for today. No more sad stories

[Monica1]

You are not alone I did it. We are all battling with this insidious addiction. What happened? I am glad there was someone from GA to call.

[Monica1]

Yes I think you are right. Some of the new age teachers I learned from actually hurt me quite a bit and no healing came from it. One told me I had committed suicide in a past life which was a headf……..for a long while. Ended up very disillusioned. So it is simply and powerfully Jesus now. Just like Doreen virtue who has denounced all her old teachings and converted to Christianity.

[Monica1]

Yes I think you are right. Some of the new age teachers I learned from actually hurt me quite a bit and no healing came from it. One told me I had committed suicide in a past life which was a headf……..for a long while. Ended up very disillusioned. So it is simply and powerfully Jesus now. Just like Doreen virtue who has denounced all her old teachings and converted to Christianity.

[Monica1]

Yes I think you are right. Some of the new age teachers I learned from actually hurt me quite a bit and no healing came from it. One told me I had committed suicide in a past life which was a headf……..for a long while. Ended up very disillusioned. So it is simply and powerfully Jesus now. Just like Doreen virtue who has denounced all her old teachings and converted to Christianity.

[Monica1]

Hi all
I have spent a lot of time reading everyone’s threads and journals today and just wanted to comment on Project 60. I was a late starter to gambling when life had become difficult and unbearable. I was 54 and have been addicted for five and a half years. I am now broke, unemployed and trying to save myself from homelessness. I am 60 in 2 months so I will have to have project 66, the retirement age in the Uk. Having been to Step change four months ago when working, I know that it it will take three years of huge monthly payments to get clear. This in part triggered my last relapse as I knew it was undoable and who wants to work all the way until retirement just to payoff huge debts. I think I can take some courage from Vera who is doing just this i.e. Retirement fund replacement. The small pension I was due went on gambling earlier this year and will need replacement. Who knows what the future holds. I know it will get better by not gambling even if the way out of all this debt right now seems insurmountable. I have been close to bankruptcy a number of times while gambling. My niece and sister have both been bankrupt so at least keepingitinthe family. Bankruptcy however means I can no longer work in my profession which is why a big part of me still wAnts to pay off the huge debt I have accumulated. I had alternative new age hobbies that I could have turned into a business but none of these delivered on their promise and I see many unhappy people with unhappy lives who put their trust in healers, alternative therapists etc who ended up with nothing but heartache. So, my alternative career has gone and I now need to rediscover other pursuits. I think only through Jesus will I be able to live each day. All of my dreams and hopes are gone, and I am not really sure what will replace them. Difficult when you no longer believe in the things you used to as this is what I was going to do in the later stages of my life.

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