[Monica1]

Yes, for me it was also the rush, the ups and downs and just to continue for as long as possible. Once you play the slots for about say 15 to 20 mins you enter the slot trance and then you are really screwed. 48 hours was my longest and also my last. Money to me is an energy and the means for life to be more comfortable. when GA talk about the big shot mentality and the love of money, this is where i completely disagree with them. It was never about that for me. I had tons of money before I started gambling and it was more around throwing it away and self destructing. Foolish I know but the addiction to the rush set in and there we are. Today, broke,hungry some times and on day 47.

[Monica1]

I use the same one Jon, I see gambling as Satan and I no longer want towalk in the dark but in the light. When we were gambling we shifted to the dark side ala,Darth Vader. Thank you for posting on my story of misery!

[Monica1]

I really appreciate both your responses I did it and Jon. Do you prefer Jon or Jonny? A life coach is a luxury i cannnot afford right now. No money since 11th august and 1st sickness benefit due next week. Awful, pauper at moment when I blew thousands and thousands over 5 years, as much as you did Jon. That guilt is hard to shake off and guilt always seeks punishment.
Easy not to gamble when you have nothing. Proof will always come when I have money coming in. This does feel like purgatory and a punishment on day 47. I have been here before but not as low as this. I don’t know what it is going to take to shift this or if it ever will and this is the decline. Thanks for your replies both, it really does mean a lot. I will look up your threads and see how you are getting on.

[Monica1]

Hi, I was brought up by my dad and my children see me as dad and their dad as mum. My dad was physically and emotionally abusive when I hit early teens. He did a lot,of damage to me and my sister but I forgave him when he passed in2006. i went to work and brought home the bacon whilst their dad stayed at home. Itisall so confused. They only ever ran to me when they needed money. As I have previously mentioned I have lived my life at work. Only there could I find some sort of stability and sense of satisfaction. Sad really but true.

[Monica1]

Sorry for the typos in my previous post. It is my iPad which seems to miss out letters sometimes.

[Monica1]

Thanks I did it. When we are rock bottom and down there any attack hits us at our core. For me when I know I have not a huge amount of support, and certainly very little emotional support,it is awful when someone says my ex is using me and my children don’t care. But how much support should we expect. I have ever had emotional support from my ex, he is a mans man and just does t function in that way. He sleeps on the floor in my front room. But he cooks meals, just gave me a tenner and some cigs. So to me that is support, maybe practical support but without that I would not be alive right is, But I am aware that we both have to move on, this is what the attack showed me, that I was ga bling free with no urges when away from home. My ex still loves me in his own way but not in the way that I need and going nearly 6 years with no physical closeness or emotional support is tantamount to torture for me, so I really have to look at that. It is something that is very important to me as I like to express but there is nowhere to do it, outlet. So I tried to destroy myself through gambling thinking to not be around would be the solution. That is insane but it comes from a place of deep loneliness and existential grief. I tried to move to my daughters by the coast but they did not have the room, and that was a big blow for me which triggered what will all the final relapse and self destruct. I even took a contract that was near to where they lived but the job was totally the wrong backward minded culture for me to work in. My middle son has a gambling habit it has been there at the worsted you relapses but has kept away for the past couple of weeks because he is also broke, Myeldest rings me every ten days or so and says if I need shopping he will do it. But he is unemployed for some months after full employment a bit like me. His girlfriend who has just started university hadtihsve a termination of pregnancy recently because neither have the capacity or living environment to bring s child into the world. Everyone is dealing with their own stuff. So how much support should we expect? My family are not used to seeing me completely fall apart, well certainly not in my pre gambling and it’s like they dont really believe it. It’s weird. Friends of mine in the nineties committed suicide and within of them I am still not totally,over it. It was a desert for both of them. O eu derstod the depth of their despair. I know if I did the same my family would ask themselves could I have done more? And the answer would sadly be yes, they could have done a huge amount more. That hurts. Have slept for very long periods and still a little tearful. But ok. Did not call my sponsor as I think he is facing some issues at the moment,

[Monica1]

Hi Kin,
I have read through all your posts and I thank you for them. I am on day 46 of recovery andJesus is my higher power. It has been painful emotionally for me. But your quotes from scripture are helpful. Come and post again soon.

[Monica1]

Hi Vera,
Thanks for posting. I requested a sponsor as I knew I could not do this on my own. I have no emotional supports in my life so I knew that I needed help in respect of this. If you wanted to do steps 1 to 3, there was always someone to speak to at the end of the meeting. The meetings I go to are very well structured, which was certainly not the case with the 1st meeting I went to one year previously which was why I did not return as there was lots of disruptive cross talk I think GA is patchy by meetings in how well run it is. The steps are all written work and I will be given my own file to keep those in. The meetings have subject matter every four weeks i.e. Steps one week, experience strength and hope the next etc. I think it is the thought that brings the emotion… have spent too long in this life with no emotional support. Honesty is encouraged at GA. If we cannot be honest there then where can we be? However, it does leave one vulnerable I guess and I wonder about how much one should open up in a group setting particularly when I am usually, but no always, the only woman. Hence not going this evening as I did not want anyone to see the emotional mess I was in. I have always been known for my emotional detachment in my work as this makes one very effective in what one does, and I would not want to linger for very long in this state as I will just end up a jibbering emotional wreck and I do not want that to be the case. I appreciate you looking in on me Vera and I hope that you are doing Ok. Love and best regards to you.

[Monica1]

Hi,all,
Got an apology from the poster who laid into the fact that i have no emotional support and that neither my ex or children care. This hurt me so much I was just blubbing most of the day. I had also started Step 1 on powerlessness and when I thought about what I had tried to do to stop, I realised that when I was away from home working as I had been for 17 months till October last year I never gambled. I was happy. All my issues Were at home as when I came home I would binge gamble. I knew this mentally but I really felt the emotions of it today. Not feeling like it all, i went and had the tests done that I should have had done three weeks ago.The bloods took much less time than expected, didn’t hurt a bit and someone had kindly left a book from my favourite crime writer to read whilst I was waiting. Went to see my gp without an appointment. Receptionist took one look at me and I got seen straight away. My GP was a little curt, I could see he was under pressure, but we did the depression checklist and I was off the scale but low for anxiety. He said to continue with GA, chase up counselling but no antidepressants as in danger of taking the lot. Gave me a month certificate. I felt like I was invisibly helped and supported today. I glanced in the mirror at the Gpsurgery and saw I had deep shadows and bags under my eyes. I just could not stop blubbing. My sponsor had warned me that stuff will come up when we start Step work. Vera, have you had experience of this? My sponsor texted to say he would not be at the meeting tonight and I also said I would not either as I was an emotional wreck. We are talking tomorrow. Do I have urges in response to all this emotional pain? No, I do not. I am not putting myself through this again, not for anything.

[Monica1]

You know it and I know it Jonny. It can only destroy and you are no longer in that place. I know about being emotionally hurt and wanting to gamble. Time spent alone and out
of work a big trigger. I sometimes was glad when my contract ended so I could gamble. WRONG! You are so better than that Jonny. You have come a long way and you are an inspiration and support for us CGs on this site.

[Monica1]

Yes, jappy I am a kind person and cannot bear to see others suffering in life. Yet I have put myself through the wringer. I mean really put myself through it. The gambling definitely pressed the self destruct button. I keep asking myself how I got from this unwell, but recovered from cancer, very solvent professional woman to the wreckage of today. Gambling gambling gambling. In GA the other night I read the I am Addiction text. If you have ever read, it, I recommend you do. It is frightening and horrifying. But that is what addiction does.

[Monica1]

Thanks Jonny, I have always related to your story. I have lived my life at work mostly to get away from my personal and family life which has always been a bit of a shambles, so without it I am quite bereft. But I do acknowledge right now that I have a lot of medical issues to sort out plus the depression. Bit of a vicious cycle, Work stops me being so depressed. I am in the hole for sixty five big ones. I always had debt of around 50 grand even before I gambled from supporting single handed the family over the years but everything I earned in the last 5 years has gone on gambling. I guess life just got too much when you look back and realise that you have made some very poor choices in life but did not have the best start. Jon, I read your posts about your back surgery and I think you have remarkable courage and strength. I appreciate yours,Vera and jappys response to my posts.

[Monica1]

Hi Jon and Vera
Vera I just caught your post. Only read I did it’s as very used to no response! I was beginning to think the world would not miss me at all so I relate to your own comments Vera. The trouble with being down and there being no let up is that some people get very angry for seemingly being negative and bringing them down. This male very arrogant poster was basically saying I had no one, that my ex had been using me and that my children don’t care. This plunged me into an even worse place than I already was. I wrote back and said he had no idea, was arrogant and opinionated and that I would stop posting on the rethink site. He is still actively gambling and boasts about his income. I have felt so tired with all of this. Jon, when you say things will fall into place, I have my doubts. At my last relapse, it took 4 months. I cannot go that long in this situation. You would think there was some mercy in life, wouldn’t you but all I keep getting is harshness to ensure I learn the lesson. Well, it’s learned. Universe, give e a break ffs.

[Monica1]

Hi Jon and Vera
Vera I just caught your post. Only read I did it’s as very used to no response! I was beginning to think the world would not miss me at all so I relate to your own comments Vera. The trouble with being down and there being no let up is that some people get very angry for seemingly being negative and bringing them down. This male very arrogant poster was basically saying I had no one, that my ex had been using me and that my children don’t care. This plunged me into an even worse place than I already was. I wrote back and said he had no idea, was arrogant and opinionated and that I would stop posting on the rethink site. He is still actively gambling and boasts about his income. I have felt so tired with all of this. Jon, when you say things will fall into place, I have my doubts. At my last relapse, it took 4 months. I cannot go that long in this situation. You would think there was some mercy in life, wouldn’t you but all I keep getting is harshness to ensure I learn the lesson. Well, it’s learned. Universe, give e a break ffs.

[Monica1]

Hi,
Thanks I did it. I find the same when I need support and I really do at the moment. It’s a desert. I just came off another forum as a member posted exactly what they think about my ex partner and my children not helping me. It was an opinionated arrogant male clearly ego driven gambler. It hurt. I have been to step change twice the first time same as you, the second time a bit more helpful. It is bankruptcy which kills my career off. I cannot even face any of that right now, I think I will come on to the Gordon Moody groups.

[Author]

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