[Monica1]

Thanks for your post of encouragement I did it. Yes, I am very honest. I think the humility that comes from GA listening to shares promotes honesty. I am happy to be honest as to how I feel cos only then can healing happen. Still the only woman at the meeting.

[Monica1]

This was the topic this evening on some good shares
My emotional triggers
Start of compulsive gambling
Relationship going west on day I came out of hospital, big blow to my self esteem
Two of my front teeth falling out when I was at work in a meeting, yes really
Lack of physical affection and touch from anyone
Not facing the relationship issue and working away from home to avoid it. But I did not gamble and was happy away from home. Would start to gamble as soon as I got home
Lack of emotional support throughout my life
All members of my family constantly asking for money when I was doing well
Loneliness
Boredom
No personal or home life
Wondering why I had the life that I have had

Perpetual abstinence and relapse cycle
As above. Going past the point of no return financially and knowing the siuation was irreparable
My business collapsing as I used all the money to gamble with
Feeling unlovable and knowing I would never have a relationship again
What’s the point?

Final relapse
Trying to move to my daughters house by the coast knowing that this environment calmed me is the sea. Took a job to be closer. the job did not work out and I realised that there was no room in their house and the commitment to build a granny flat was never going to happen.
Going to step change and realising that 2 grAnd a month on my debts till I retire was undoable and losing hope and w ting the suffering to end.
Being hounded for years by debt collectors and bailiffs.

Now there is some honesty.

Went through Step 1 written work. My sponsor said that listening to it was painful and how did I feel about it. I said I no longer feel any pain about it. Have cried all my tears and it is what it is.

[Monica1]

Plus I feel still a lot of guilt. I should have used the money I had to help the family,y more than I did. But it was difficult when my eldest would not even visit me in the hospital when I had cancer surgery because of Pete. I don’t blame him for this but I will be forced to make a choice, and it will be my family.

[Monica1]

After a long dry spell, both my sons are now working and earning a good wage for now, which is good news. My eldest said my middle son would pay me back the rest of what he owes, which is not much now but will help. I said as long as he doesn’t spend it on the poker tables. Y eldest son laughed and said my middle son is way too busy now and working flat out with no time for poker. Yea!

[Monica1]

Just did another long post which has disappeared. How frustrating is that? If at all possible I would like to avoid going bankrupt as it ends my career as well. I wonder if something major is wrong and that I would do in that case. My son has also said that he would decorate my home. He lives in one room in his paternal grandmothers house. It isn’t in the best of shape that house hence needing my flat. This brings me to having to make a decision I have long put off and not faced. Pete, who has helped me all this year whilst in and out of action, I will need to ask him to leave. Part of my gambling was caused by thee ending of our relationship 6 years ago. A lack of emotional connection and intimacy destroyed me as it has always been important. I mean not even a hug, just practical support as and when needed. This has the capability to,really do my head in but I have given this to my higher power, Jesus Christ to work things out for the greater good,of all concerned. Off to GA shortly. Have done Step One written work on powerlessness and attempts to gain control.

[Monica1]

Hi all,
Thanks for the post Vera. Hope life is treating you well. Well, it was of some help. She tells me many vulnerable people in the Uk in desperate straits because of the Uk government targeting the vulnerable. It has taken 51 days to get any financial help. This scandal has hit the headlines as many disabled people and unemployed people have had cuts to their benefits and have committed suicide. We went through a budget and would have to pay the shortfall,in bedroom tax and towards arrears which will leave enough to pay mobile phone and broadband per month. Nothing for fuel, food,or bills. She is going to try and get myfuel debt cancelled and apply for a grant for bankruptcy. I am waiting for my test results as I know something is not right in wholeof my GI system. I had to laugh today as a prankster ha does the Maybot our prime minister her P45 when she was giving her speech. Radical,change is required here in the Uk. Give tax cuts to the rich and starve the poor is their policy.
Well, that rent over, my son rang me.my granddaughter is going off the rails just as I did as a teen and he wants to try and move her back to London. If that is the case she would live with me but there are a lot of hoops to jump through before that can happen. He recognises that the family are all isolated and that we need to come together. He is taking the lead on ensuring this happens as he recognises he is living a similar type of life to me, and wants to do an intervention with the fs I,y to ensure we right the sins of our parents and our own. I am proud of him for doing this. He is stepping up the the plate as the lead hour depleted, disparate and geographically isolated. His ex mrs married a rich man and took two of his children to live in Scotland. She is now divorcing this man after 5 years as all she wanted was some stability coming from a dysfunctional family background even worse than our own. So he may see more of his boys, rather than the Skype and odd weekends, summer hols. So much disruption in their young lives, she leaves my son, takes the children to Scotland, gets married and 5 years later divorced again. At least they get to see their dad, I never got to see my mum until I was fifteen…

[Monica1]

You are not alone justonee. There are many in the same position as yourself. We are compulsive gamblers who are mostly unable to cash out and just want to keep playing the slots, You are lucky in one respect, you have youth on your side and can rebuild your life. This addiction will take everything from you, your money, sanity, self esteem and for some their life. I agree with you that the blockers are useless as I too quite easily got around them. Plus I too have had counsellors where it just didn’t work. Firstly, you have to really decide that you want to quit andmean it, hopefully before things deteriorate too much. . You can join the groups on Gordon moody where it is text based support. I also,found my family did it take this as seriously as I had hoped. Gambling is isolating and we isolate ourselves off from everything when we are in action. This makes guilt self esteem and any underlying depression worse. Do you have GA where you are? I found this to be the only thing that helped me. No one is a lost cause and at your years you certainly can make the changes you need to change your life. Tell your family and show them some literature about the damage compulsive gambling can do. Ask for their support. See your doctor as you do sound as though you have an underlying depression which gambling will make worse. It isn’t the solution to the problems in our lives. Keep posting and good luck.

[Monica1]

Hi,I did it. It is http://www.wholetones.com. As I mentioned there are just samples on the site, but I found 1, 3 and 6 the most helpful. Let me know how you get on.

[Monica1]

I will try the groups soon. I find this site and even the forum posts quite hard to navigate so the groups may pose a challenge. Also long journals like Vera’s no page up or down on my iPad so have to scroll all the way down and difficult to get to the different pages. Often posts twice even when you press it once. And p gambling caused all my problems, would be very well off it hadn’t done it. I do keep saying that it is easy to,quit when you have nothing. The real challenge is paydays. I did it, I will post on your thread the link. There are are samples on there. I found 1, 3 and 6 to be the most beneficial.

[Monica1]

I will try the groups soon. I find this site and even the forum posts quite hard to navigate so the groups may pose a challenge. Also long journals like Vera’s no page up or down on my iPad so have to scroll all the way down and difficult to get to the different pages. Often posts twice even when you press it once. And p gambling caused all my problems, would be very well off it hadn’t done it. I do keep saying that it is easy to,quit when you have nothing. The real challenge is paydays. I did it, I will post on your thread the link. There are are samples on there. I found 1, 3 and 6 to be the most beneficial.

[Monica1]

What I meant to say is mostly sit in my bedroom on the iPad and also cannot watch TV!

[Monica1]

What I meant to say is mostly sit in my bedroom on the iPad and also cannot watch TV!

[Monica1]

Hi Vera,
Thanks for your concern. Yes, the cramps did stop,and it was within a few minutes of getting the message. I should get my test results in a few days. As well as an Ulcer I think I may have helicobacter pylori in my entire gut. Helicobacter pylori is the bacteria that causes stomach ulcers but can infect the entire intestinal tract. side effect of this bacteria is depression…I listened to some Christian based sound healing frequencies music last night and I have to say my deeply depressed mood had lifted a little today.
I went to deliver my medical certificate to my work coach today and even though he said he would be there he was out for 2 days which would be after the timeline I had been given to receive my 1st benefit. So half an hour holding on the phone to let someone know. My benefit will be short on the rent by about 100 a month and leave me 40 pounds a week to live on for food and all bills. It is scandalous and on the same day that the Tory fool Hammond says in response to this scandal of long waits than has hit the headlines tha people waiting should get a loan. Try getting a loan when you are a CG. Laughable and lamentable these complete imbeciles that govern in the Uk. My rent arrears have gone up significantly as waited seven and a half weeks for 1st benefit. I have to pay my mobile phone tomorrow and don’t have it. I am being visited
by the housing association tomorrow to see that I am getting all that I am entitled to. It is all well and good to have the principle to look after yourself but unfortunately no means to do it. My GP won’t prescribe antidepressants as I am a suicide risk and that this is a reactionary depression,to being virtually destitute, unemployed and at serious risk of losing my home. Idid apply for a couple of jobs this evening. The mood lifts sometimes sufficiently todo that as previously I was unable to. Must sit in my messy bedroom on the iPad. Can’t even watch to as there is so much trash on it!

[Monica1]

Well, my stomach symptoms moved lower today, which I had earlier in the year. 2 hours of cramps. Awful. I had so had enough and prayed with all my heart for help. I got the message that the cramps would stop, and to hold on as things will improve. The cramps did stop but today I saw how desperate my situation really is and how close to the edge I am in many ways. It feels like it will never end. I am so tired of it. When we are alone and there is no one to help us all we can do is pray. There is nothing else.

[Monica1]

Glad to hear you haven’t gambled I did it. And you are right. How would you feel if you had nothing for the month. As distraught as I do, with no money till 11th August. CGs never win I did it. Thanks for posting on my thread.

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