[Monica1]

Aside from the ulcer, infection causes
Sleep problems, yes
Depression yes
Anxiety yes sometimes
exhaustion,yes and explains why I am so tired
Malabsorption of nutrients, quite possibly

I realise I had these symptoms all year, although the tummy pain increased tenfold when I got the repossession order. Coupled with all the dopamine and serotonin issues related to gambling I must be a Biochemical mess. Think I need a nutritional consult. Except I am broke. Gotta find a way of making some money that does not require massive effort. Got a rejection for a job today that am well qualified for. This does not bother me as I’m know that whatever is meant to be is meant to be.

[Monica1]

Me too i did it and I am pleased to have met the good people on this site and at GA. well, my doctor rang me and my self diagnosis was correct. Helicobacter pylori positive, which is the stomach ulcer creating bacteria, so need treatment for that and also to go in for an abdo exam. Liver function has been abnormal over time with elevated gamma GT associated with alcohol except I am teetotal. So probable non alcoholic fatty liver. Repeat test in two months. Relieved for now as could have been a lot worse. But I became very reflective for an hour or so. radical change required in exercise, diet., cigs. Not all at once though. My diet has been appalling for some time and in the past Seven weeks of no money even worse. Literally starved for the first couple of weeks . Clear the self harm gambling caused and the desire to destroy myself was working well in my life leading to self neglect and huge financial stress. contemplating all this. On the recovery journey now. So much to reverse and put right.

[Monica1]

yes, I googled the other day but could not find one near. The church down the road does one but was not on there. I will check out the local church. You are on here as much as me I did it. it’s 2am now here and as usual still wide awake.

[Monica1]

Like I was texting him, I mesnt testing him lol
When she came back healed, it wasn’t from God, but herself

[Monica1]

Thank you both. Vera, your spot on. All illnesses are rooted in the emotions and life experience . This is so uncomfortable when I know I have done this to myself! I am also aware that my deep depression caused by gambling has not done me any favours physically. I have had a spiritual practice since I was 23 but this went to pot when I started gambling and the meetings are not held any more. This was non religious but it definitely saved me at age 23 when I was in a lot of trouble . I practiced this from 23 to 56 and it served me well pre gambling. But i have done a 360 degree turn as I realised that every time I had wandered off on my own devices I get into trouble. I also recognise sin in our lives whereas new agey stuff doesn’t recognise this at all. I do and I also recognise Jesus as my lord and saviour. New agey stuff focuses on I am as in we can be God and manifest whatever we desire ala the secret. I think this is misguided. we are not God but have God within us We are flawed human beings. This isnt a religious discussion incidentally but part of my path In trusting and understanding myhigher power, particularly as everything I believed in has only just recently proved to be false coinciding with.my recent conversion . Butihad lost my faith anyway with the pain and problems post surgery. Yes, my spiritual counsellor,who I saw just once for intercession suggested alpha. It was clear that this was a one off session. I was Ok with God before the cancer but not in the same way as I view things now. I really asked to to be shown a way to live life well. had always been quite bohemian and liberal as in anything goes as long as it doesn’t harm another human being, but very conformist career wise. The personal and the professional persona were miles apart and I struggled with this. I recognise I am not unique in this. And Vera, I like your words, disordered spirituality, that is exactly what my faith had become. I used God all the time in gambling to save me like I was texting him… Which is faith misplaced and disordered. I get free will. Thanks for your lovely words Vera. I Anita moorjanis book dying to be me, when she died of cancers dcameba khealed, she said that she saw why this had happened to her. It was it from God, but her emotional state and fears that had caused it. Ithinki better practice at being happy, seems the only way to be… to keep yourself well. Thanks both, I kinda get it!

[Monica1]

I finally got my benefit from 11th August when signed on and then sickness benefit on 4th OCtober at 6pm. Paid rent plus bedroom tax and a small agreed amount towards arrears plus mobile phone and that leaves around 150 till 4th November. I sincerely hope the doc tomorrow has Ok news. Now shall I gamble with it? Not bloody likely. Been there done that, destruction, lets now move on. On the positive, this may mean that Court actions repossess my home will now be averted but I need to check that is now the case. Don’t like watching tv any more so posting a lot today.
I gotta get well and get back to work.

[Monica1]

Group was that good huh? Well thanks for getting me to go along. The time went very quick and it seemed like we had talked about hardly anything. Will try the new members group next.

[Monica1]

I read all of these many years ago, in the 90s. Are they still around I did it? Thanks for asking me to join the group. Did you disappear? What is the best one to go to?

[Monica1]

You will become ill with cancer, you will survive it but you will start gambling and it will destroy you. Don’t. Do it…..

[Monica1]

Hi I did it, thanks for trying to understAnd!
loss of money, guilt over that but that isnt the primary issue. I should not have blown thousands and thousands but I was sick, addicted, not able to feel any happiness unless I was working overseas. Money I see as an energy that you cannot be attached to. I had a lot and now I have none. All things can change again, if GOd allows it.
My biggest worry is of decline, that I had a number of chances to change and I did not. I am concerned at why a part of me, ego, systematically decided to destroy me, the self destruction. I was addicted to playing, win or lose. I think it was the emotional triggers mentioned but it was a far deeper spiritual crisis than just that. I have mento ed about the healing courses I have done and have also gone for healing. over the 5 years of my addiction, the learning and the healers I met, shamans and egomaniacs, drove me further and further into the abyss and I was really wanting to serve God in this capacity. There was a wrongnessin some of what I was learning hence shifting to born again Christian recently. I don’t understand it but there are many many thousands of new agers who have made the radical switch this year, as I have, now to Christianity. there is a large group on Facebook. As isaid, I don’t understand it at all.
Physical pain, there is something wrong with my Gi tract. I was given the all clear from kidney cancer in July and my bloods were normal. As soon as I got the repossession order after the binge I became ill in my guts. Very linked. And the depression was deep, plus the exhaustion. I had just started to be very successful, making a lot of money and then cancer started, the relationship went and the addiction took hold for five and a half long years,with long periods of abstinence and then binges that lost everything, build up, lose everything over and over again. I do not like physical pain, I had 2 years of it after cancer and have had enough. So when my guts kick off all I can do is pray. My fear is that God wont forgive me, that he won’t allow me recovery, that I should have known better and that this is my punishment. but would that not be cruel? inherently I know that is wrong and that God is Good. Well for the greater good perhaps, and that means bad things can happen to us. One persons demise may serve a greater purpose. That sucks though and i do not like to think k we are pawns in e great tapestry of life now would like to enjoy life once more as I have not really enjoyed life for years, unless I was away. It is a question of faith. My faith wavers when I am in pain, I want the pain to stop. Does God care about that? I think JEsus does. I got a letter today to make an appointment to see my Gp about test results so I automatically think the worst, cos I started out as a nurse, and I know a bit about medicine, my family all come to me with their ailments. And then I think, I did this to me, so what the hellis wrong with me? I am rambling but this is how I feel.
Emotional pain, not there all the time and if I was working in a great job, it probably would not be there at all. Any clearer.? I will check out Charles group.

[Monica1]

Hi I did it, thanks for trying to understAnd!
loss of money, guilt over that but that isnt the primary issue. I should not have blown thousands and thousands but I was sick, addicted, not able to feel any happiness unless I was working overseas. Money I see as an energy that you cannot be attached to. I had a lot and now I have none. All things can change again, if GOd allows it.
My biggest worry is of decline, that I had a number of chances to change and I did not. I am concerned at why a part of me, ego, systematically decided to destroy me, the self destruction. I was addicted to playing, win or lose. I think it was the emotional triggers mentioned but it was a far deeper spiritual crisis than just that. I have mento ed about the healing courses I have done and have also gone for healing. over the 5 years of my addiction, the learning and the healers I met, shamans and egomaniacs, drove me further and further into the abyss and I was really wanting to serve God in this capacity. There was a wrongnessin some of what I was learning hence shifting to born again Christian recently. I don’t understand it but there are many many thousands of new agers who have made the radical switch this year, as I have, now to Christianity. there is a large group on Facebook. As isaid, I don’t understand it at all.
Physical pain, there is something wrong with my Gi tract. I was given the all clear from kidney cancer in July and my bloods were normal. As soon as I got the repossession order after the binge I became ill in my guts. Very linked. And the depression was deep, plus the exhaustion. I had just started to be very successful, making a lot of money and then cancer started, the relationship went and the addiction took hold for five and a half long years,with long periods of abstinence and then binges that lost everything, build up, lose everything over and over again. I do not like physical pain, I had 2 years of it after cancer and have had enough. So when my guts kick off all I can do is pray. My fear is that God wont forgive me, that he won’t allow me recovery, that I should have known better and that this is my punishment. but would that not be cruel? inherently I know that is wrong and that God is Good. Well for the greater good perhaps, and that means bad things can happen to us. One persons demise may serve a greater purpose. That sucks though and i do not like to think k we are pawns in e great tapestry of life now would like to enjoy life once more as I have not really enjoyed life for years, unless I was away. It is a question of faith. My faith wavers when I am in pain, I want the pain to stop. Does God care about that? I think JEsus does. I got a letter today to make an appointment to see my Gp about test results so I automatically think the worst, cos I started out as a nurse, and I know a bit about medicine, my family all come to me with their ailments. And then I think, I did this to me, so what the hellis wrong with me? I am rambling but this is how I feel.
Emotional pain, not there all the time and if I was working in a great job, it probably would not be there at all. Any clearer.? I will check out Charles group.

[Monica1]

Yes, honesty is quite liberating in its own way. Even if it is being honest with ones own pain. Not nice going through emotional pain alone though. The saying laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone is so true. But it bloody well shouldn’t be Iike that, how about cry and you will find comfort, support and peace. That sounds much better. I ha e just officially made a change to that saying, I don’t mind being the only woman as I have always enjoyed male company… but you do sometimes wonder what the men are thinking about in some of my shares. Not that it matters that much. I always find the GA meetings incredibly helpful. I said at the start that I wasn’t going to make the coffees and teas so don’t ask but I guess at some point I will.

[Monica1]

Yes, honesty is quite liberating in its own way. Even if it is being honest with ones own pain. Not nice going through emotional pain alone though. The saying laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone is so true. But it bloody well shouldn’t be Iike that, how about cry and you will find comfort, support and peace. That sounds much better. I ha e just officially made a change to that saying, I don’t mind being the only woman as I have always enjoyed male company… but you do sometimes wonder what the men are thinking about in some of my shares. Not that it matters that much. I always find the GA meetings incredibly helpful. I said at the start that I wasn’t going to make the coffees and teas so don’t ask but I guess at some point I will.

[Monica1]

Well done I did it. Thanks for posting to my thread. I am glad that you are finding GA helpful. It is the most helpful thing I have found and I have tried many different things. You sound as if you are in a good place and I am happy for you. I avoid tv now as I cannot stand the gambling ads. Just view it as Satan now and he can bloody well get behind me…..

[Monica1]

Well done I did it. Thanks for posting to my thread. I am glad that you are finding GA helpful. It is the most helpful thing I have found and I have tried many different things. You sound as if you are in a good place and I am happy for you. I avoid to now as I cannot stand the gambling ads. Just view it as Satan now and he can bloody well get behind me…..

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