[Monica1]

Hi all,
Lost my iPad settings hence not able to post. My pc blocks all gambling support and help but enAbles some gambling sites. How crazy is that? My son has just been round to fix my iPad. Well, still have the chest infection. All I have been able to manage is my 2 ga meetings a week. I got my 60 day pin yesterday. I have found the Step work very upsetting. Last night I left promptly. It was an experience strength and hope meeting. I found very little hope and strength in the speaker. All the talk was about history and being in action. Recovery was about 30 seconds. I said that I would have liked to hear more about recovery. I said in my therapy never to underestimate how desperate people are when they come to GA. With some of the older serving members it can seem like a boys club. I have to admit to not agreeing with some of the ethos and philosophy of GA whilst also seeing it still it as my route to complete Abstinence. When we did the promises and you say I think not to the promises of recovery with GA, I was quiet. What upsets me is that on day 61 things are still bad with me, have not improved and I am beginning to doubt. Whilst there may be some truth in the GA statement that pain equals growth I believe that too much focus on those things that bring us pain from our childhood, gambling etc can be a bottomless pit. I still find myself often to be an emotional wreck and I no longer want that for myself as it is too close to having a complete emotional breakdown. Today I decided that I have had enough of feeling like this. I rang my daughter who six weeks ago was considering jumping off Beachey Head. We are both Isolated, highly sensitive people and have no one to talk to. So I am going to visit in a week or sos time. We are going to try and help each other as we both feel similar for different reasons. My mum and sister both texted me to see how I am. I said no change as there isn’t physically. I still haven’t started the treatment for the helicobacter as it is a bit harsh but will brace up and do it soon. I am sad that things are no better for me. It does feel like god is absent at times. I guess everyone has felt like this sometimes.

[Monica1]

Well done on your decision to go to GA. Let us all know about how you get on. I had absolutely nothing
, no funds as gambled the lot with no job when I stopped from mid August to early October. I survived and am still here, although I do have a lot of problems as you will see if you read my journal. So, forget the money lost from the bank. Once we have suffered enough as a cg we know it is time to stop. For most, they do not hit the absolute rock bottom as I did. It sounds as though you have a friend who will help you with managing money. this is good. as soon as I have any money, will do same lol. Good luck with GA. it really is the only thing that has really helped me. In respect of counselling you have to find a good one who understands this addiction or you could go round in circles as I did in the past, to no good at all,

[Monica1]

I certainly agree with that. If we are here for a reason, then I am sure God will reveal it to us, whatever it is. We have freedom of choice and I know I went off piste of the plan numerous times in my life but God will use adversity for good. I have e always had compassion for addicts as my view is that they have chosen a tough path in life and often early traumas in childhood and a less than emotionally supportive upbringing contributed to this. They ha e just identified the gene that makes people susceptible to nicotine addiction. ***** me in on that one. some philosophers say that we choose our fAmilies pre birth. I think this is true. It is in the genes. My ancestry is one of trauma in the war, concentration camps etc. That trauma Does run through the cellular memory and the genetics. My sister is a functioning alcoholic, my cousin too. My mother was addicted to mummies little helpers when she went through the change. I was surrounded by them in my younger days, drugs, alcohol etc. One temazepam addicted young friend threw herself in front of a train in the 90s as she kept fitting in the withdrawal phase. . I wish I had known then what to do and what to advise, I would like to think that now I do know better and would know more about what to do, having been some of in those desperate and despairing states myself. Maybe this is part of the plan. Now I am the addict albeit very late in life, although always addicted to the cigs, but gave up alcohol a long time ago as I grew tired of hangovers. The bottom line is we need to be at ease and comfortable with who we are in any given situation and often us addicts are not. I personally found a great gap between my professional self and my private self. The two were miles apart sometimes but then my main gripe through life is the lack of emotional support and mentors/role models. I feel able to chat today so clearly must be getting better.

[Monica1]

Lovely to hear from you I did it. I have started to pick up today I did it so I wasn’t too bad doing the walk. Certainly could not have done it past couple of days. I just thought of another one, how to get you back, because the you that you were pre gambling disappeArs. Certainly when you took it down as far as I did. The cg in me would have completely destroyed me, and really suicide looked attractive. So I opened myself up for this strife as I blew everything, a few thousand in my bank account t on august 14th. Today I just felt a little bit of me return. That felt good. I have also asked Jesus not to be a stranger and help me walk out of this and enjoy recovery. I do not see the point of having blind faith. If Jesus is with us and loves us then we need to see this working in our lives. It has to be real. It has to be a genuine relationship. I always think that things could be worse. I can walk, talk, breathe and eat. So there are plenty people suffering much worse off than me. An on line friend has just had a major heart attack and I pray for her recovery, I pray for all people who are suffering on this planet that they will find the help and support they need, and for all us CGs who certainly know the meaning of misery…

[Monica1]

Everything you have said on here i did it, could not agree with you more. Well done on getting to,day 12. Sending you lots of good wishes.

[Monica1]

Yes, another one. Self esteem may not have been great when gambling started. Mine wasn’t. This should be realistic and not based on positive self talk, which has a tendency to c e a cropper,when confronted with reality.

[Monica1]

Well, haven’t posted for a few days as I have been quite poorly and in bed with this chest infection. Nothing like one thing g after another to make you feel miserable. Got up and out today and walked 1.5. Miles through park to GP surgery to pick up the script for eradicating the bug that causes the ulcer. Then walked to supermarket to get some vits and live yogurts to go with the double lot of antibiotics I have to take. Felt better for getting some fresh air rather than laying in my bedroom. I managed the walk without getting breathless which is good as have cut down on the cigs. I had a telephone assessment for counselling yesterday and was then told there was a six month wait. I proceeded to tell them exactly what I thought about this. People, the servicesforthis addiction are rubbish. We need help with
1. The depression, not there before gambling but severe when in action and in recovery. I am looking at nutritional help for this rather than the chemical cosh of antidepressants.
2. For women emotional gamblers who are usually,professional women, help with the self destructive self harm element. I have met a few women who are CGs and they are all very smart,,professional women who cannot believe how they have been caught up with gambling. They are all,quite sensitive individuals and it is about how to deal with emotions in women who feel too much, what is going on,with them, their families andthewhole bloodyworld!
3. Help with physical health issues brought on as a result of financial stress and gambling
4. And finally help with debt and employment support
If required, particularly in like me going bankrupt means you cannot,work in your profession.

[Monica1]

Not getting worse and the chest infection is working itself through. Coughing a lot. Had a good meal.
Staying in bed for now. Watching movies on amazon prime. Appreciating the small things. I guess I am one of those who quit gambling and things get worse before they get better. The alternative was suicide as that was how far gone I was. I still have my home whereas I thought I would have lost it by now. Pete now has a sore throat so hoping I haven t given this to him.

[Monica1]

When people post that they won or got their money back, this is the only thing that slightly rattles me. You get the ‘petit’ urge. Never want to gamble again but reading this makes me uncomfortable. Plus when you are really unwell and feeling like the problems are never ending, the little urge voice comes up. Not that I will action it,it is just a niggle in the background.

[Monica1]

Yes, I woke up today breathless, that run down feeling and with a very bad cough. Pete knew how bad it was as without prompting or asking he went and bought me some benylin. Slept for long,periods. Not able to go,out today as not feeling well enough. I think it was the great Louise Hay who said that at first when we try to make changes things may get worse for a little while, i.e. We work on improving our health and we get sick. Hope this is just another blip.

[Monica1]

Hi I did it. Stuff in life is temporary! But,,I get what you are saying. I have very few material things. I have had a lot of money in the past but still did not buy material things. I don’t know why. In my younger days i used to live in a squat, so I think some of this Carried through with me ie travel light. Ends up with nothing to sell in my current state. You know the character defects they talk about in GA? Have realised that in my personal, not professional life, I am a big procrastinator.
Now why can’t you finish your course, how much of it have you completed?

[Monica1]

Really can recommend GA justonee. We are compulsive gamblers and as soon as we realise that compulsive never can win and admit defeat then the sooner we can start the recovery journey. This is a powerful addiction that plays mind games. Many,sites are quite unscrupulous delaying withdrawals and keep,putting wins into accounts knowing the CG will play it,down to,0, and the system is rigged, because they always play down to 0. Like yourself I am solo. I got myself a sponsor early on in GA. it is virtually impossible to quit on your own. Admit gambling has you beaten and get the support you need. good luck and keep posting.

[Monica1]

Dragged myself off to GA tonight coughing and spluttering which will teach me to,smoke my head off since abstinence and being sick. I am not good at being unwell. Always worth going. It was a reading this evening about being ourselves, and about how many of us did t really know ourselves before we were in the rooms of GA in terms of honesty without any pretence.
certainly the recovery process is about allowing those emotions and wounds to come to the surface. It is tough work which takes courage, although you wouldn’t really want to stay there. It is the hurt child that often seems to come up which perpetuates itself in adulthood. Lemsip and off to bed now.

[Monica1]

So recovery across all 4 now my mission.

[Monica1]

No, I haven’t been tested for coeliac but I hav e noticed some foods exacerbate the lower gut problems mostly sugars. Looked it all up in my nutritional medicine bible and it says to avoid wheat based foods and complex starches, bread, pasta and potatoes which I think has to be avoided in Coeliac disease. Not feeling brill today, probably due to going to sleep at 6.30 am and getting an early morning call from my Gp, and not going back to sleep. Have a slight cough from smoking too much due to tiredness and boredom. Regime of cutting down cigs to start tomorrow. Have written a list of vits to get plus I don’t drink water, just tea and coffee. So to the shops tomorrow with my pittance get the green tea, etc. So radical change required across all elements of life, physical, mental and spiritual. Recovery across all three now my mission.

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