[Monica1]

It means a lot to have these conversations with you both. Just woke up after,sleeping since 6pm. Hours awake are so messed up. Vera, you are right that it was cathartic as it expressed the spiritual grief I had been feeling for so long. No I cannot paint or draw, but I can write. I have had stuff published in the late 80s early 90s but these were articles and I have not written since. I like listening to uplifting music. I watched the George Michael documentary followed by a concert last night and I found that uplifting. He had addiction issue himself, and I always find I have a lot of compassion for anyone struggling with addiction. These are life issues. It is not easy being a human being on this planet. I agree with you about confession Vera, my mum is Roman Catholic. I also remember reading a post you wrote about the power of prayer and I so agree with you about that. Our connection with our higher power and recovery is so enhanced through prayer. I will still seek,out alpha I did it and thanks for clarifying. I had read some articles and feedback about alpha and some folks did get into the Christian gay bring a sin row, which I think is wrong. Even the spiritual counsellor I saw made a point of saying being gay is a sin which I cannot endorse that view. I know pippa well and she is a good person and it is free. It is all on line. I get your apprehension Vera. I have the same in the light of my recent conversion and experience of everything I had learned was not the right path. It is Christ centred, so I will have a taste and see. One thing I have noticed is that when we have Cut off our feelings for so long through gambling, they seem to come back and fluctuate a lot i.e. We go through a lot of different emotional spaces daily. Has anyone experienced this in recovery? I now make the difference that recovery is completely different to abstinence and requires real work. I was abstinent for long periods in the five years of the addiction but I was not recovering, big difference between the two. Thanks again for posting.

[Monica1]

Hi,
Just had a phone call from my GP to say not to be alarmed but making the referral along the Two week colon cancer pathway just to ensure that I am seen quickly. I do not think I have colon cancer. I have something wrong there but do not think it is that. If it is then I shall just accept it and not run away. I have run from a lot of things in life, certainly had run away twice from home before I was 15 but for good reasons.

I rang my mum which I had been putting off as I do not like to call her when I am feeling low as she has also had her fair share of health problems. She has had problems since cataract surgery in July and may need to have it done again. She had this done at a private facility referred by the NHS. Private not better folks. Her vision has deteriorated again today and she has been waiting a long time for an eye appointment as there are long waits. She also has a hole in her pupil. Advised her to call her Gp to accelerate getting seen. She has developed a rare complication from the surgery. So typical of the women in our family!
She noticed the improvement in my mood and said I sounded like myself again. I actually feel happy today for no good reason. The only difference I can see is that I wrote a poem, which felt good, and I prayed last night along with a TV evangelist. It was quite an inspiring prayer. I love those when they say, pain gone, financial breakthrough, illness gone, in Jesus mighty name. Makes me good just at the thought of it. When I started out doing healing courses in 2010 just before I got cancer, I did one with pippa merivale, (saved by an angel book). I just got an email to do a free Christ activation as like many others she has also observed there has been a huge resurgence in following Christ. So I signed up,for that. The problem I have with the Church and alpha is that to me any denomination can follow Christ and I am respectful of other religions. I also do not like the Christian gay stance so that finding a church that is inclusive of all is difficult. So will do pippas course and see how that goes.

[Monica1]

Hi idi.
I loved the analogy of an iceberg. This is so true. All of the things I knew were issues for me me mentally when I was gambling have transferred themselves into emotions and feelings now i am in early doors recovery. They are similar, although not the same, to your own. And I avoided dealing with these for the years I was gambling. As someone who spent most of their life at work, I now have time on my hands and I am doing much the same as yourself. I had a lot of money pre gambling which gave me choices but did not bring happiness. I now have no money and still unhappy. So maybe I am just a miserable so and so. If granted recovery I like to think I would be so much wiser. But like you idi I am an island with people making very brief visits. Any major change needs to be thought through and we need to be stronger in our recovery and journey back to ourselves before we go ahead. I am facing the same issue but can’t do anything when skint. Also, like you I cannot believe the way my life turned out. It has been one hard journey and I pray that we are granted recovery time and time to find the happiness and fulfilment that has been so elusive in this life. We bloody deserve it! Nothing less will suffice….

[Monica1]

Hi all,
My mood has lifted somewhat today with glimpses of the Monica I used to be. May that continue. She is in there somewhere, just waiting to be uncovered and just in two days out of the past two months, I have felt myself return. I wonder if it has something to do with the poetry. I liked getting creative and think I will do some more.
Went to see my Gp this morning who I haven’t seen in ages, at least two years. sawa not so nice Gp last time. She is a lovely person and I felt joy ooze out of me at seeing her. What’s that about? She took a long time with me and did not know where to start!
Anyway bottom line
Chest infection with crackles and wheezes, take triple therapy for helicobacter as will help with the chest infection.
Smoking cessation services shifted to the local authority a few years ago and they have canned these. Have to do it yourself now. Shocking, should never have shifted from health.
Referral to colorectal surgeon for the cramps to be on the safe side. Strong family history of colon problems and with colon cancer and with my history does not want to take any risks.
Appalled at six month wait for counselling, mentioned other patients had issues too with the wait. Get the tories out folks.
Advised to not return to any work until at least end November to sort both physical and mental health problems out. Will,need to find some ways of making money before then.

[Monica1]

Thanks. I guess even when we are in pain, we can create something. Good for me as I haven’t been creative in a long time.

[Monica1]

Thanks. I guess even when we are in pain, we can create something. Good for me as I haven’t been creative in a long time.

[Monica1]

Went to sleep at 9am and awake again at 12 midday for telephone consult with my work coach. I explained how things were and he said that he hoped I did not find him harassing. I said no, that I have always found him helpful. There are some very nasty work coaches in these job centres but he is a nice gentle soul. I think he has to be careful as he doesn’t want a suicide on his conscience! Well, what about the weather today? It is really dark outside with a strange glow. The winds of change, washing away all the things in our lives that we no,longer need i.e. Gambling and bringing in the new. My middle son, Kai, has just got paid and paid me back the rest of the money he owed. Not much now but still a help. I am pleased and proud at how committed he has been. He made a mistake and took huge effort to pay it back, and he has, within two months. I would have liked to have app.ied this learning to my gambling. I wonder why if you look at me in my 30s and 40s, I would never have gambled seeing this as a mugs game. And yet, I end up losing everything to this addiction. What changed? Life and giving up is what, I think. Although the ads on TVs did not help and it all started innocently enough. Harmless fun becomes fun less harm is what my sponsor would say, I still haven’t started the helicobacter triple therapy. I have such a mistrust of western medicine and this comes from an ex nurse. I will start it today. Read geordie,s threads which are so very readable, even about tyres. I think I will invite him to come and say something on my thread. Well, going to have a nap now as not had enough sleep. Thanks again I did it and Vera. We have to be honest in our posts. Even I am sick of this depression, but it is there so I will post honestly.

[Monica1]

Thanks Vera. No worries, you are always there with a kind word at the worst times. I think my depression has obvious causes, destitution, poor diet as not much food, ill, unemployment and still issues around keeping my home. It is why the doc won’t give me medication as the causes are obvious. I am used to having lots of money so having none now and hurtling down the social scale to the bottom underclass is the issue. It is where I started in my adult life and it took me many years to eArn a lot of money. And then what did I do with it? Develop a gambling addiction. It feels like it is too late to recover the situation in any way. There are no magic wands or cures here. Thanks for listening Vera. I don’t expect solutions. Listening is enough and I thank you for that.

[Monica1]

Good poem, I did it

[Monica1]

Good poem, I did it

[Monica1]

Laura said on I did it’s post that gambling addicts have lost the fight in them. She is so right on this. Part of what I was saying earlier, how the hell do you get yourself back? I think when you have had so many relapses to lose it all again, each time the fight in you gets weaker. I would think after 62 days I would not be so depressed but there is no doubt I am deeply depressed. It is like there is just nothing there to look forward to or to enjoy in each day. It is all just an arduous repeat of yesterday. I keep trying to snap out of it but find I cannot snap out of it.

[Monica1]

Thanks Vera. Good idea re the voluntary work. My kids haven’t needed me for a very long time. It,is just when I am so low it feels like they have better things to do. That hurts a little. The boys are now very busy at work with long hours and are working together so I am really pleased about that after a dry period for both of them. My son did come round to,fix my iPad but because of this chest infection I asked him not to stay long as I already gave it to Pete. He is already over it whereas I have had it for 10 days now. My eldest son does want me involved in his life and with the kids too. Because of the distance between members of the family, both geographically and in other ways. he has taken it on himself to bring us together a bit more. Because we have not functioned properly as a family. Even my daughter spoke about this yesterday. My crutch was work and gambling and without both you can imagine that life is rather lonely and somewhat futile. The only thing that spurs me on is that I do. It want to leave the world like this, I want to be able to make amends if at all possible and rebuild. But that is in Gods hands and at the moment I feel like he is distant and absent.

[Monica1]

Thanks both. Not in the mood to chat today I did it. My daughters mood has improved as she talked to her husband, nothing to do with me. My family don’t rely on me. Time was that they did but not now and they are all getting on with their lives. Each day is the same as the last which is my idea of hell. Not strong enough to go out unless it is to GA.

[Monica1]

Daughter rang to tell me she had forgotten the family were going on holiday in a week. So that puts the kybosh on that idea at least for a few weeks. Every door feels like it is slammed in my face at the moment. Cannot snap out of this. The idea of nothing at xmas fills me with horror. I have always had a lot of money to spend on family at xmas and if I am in this destitute state, I simply cannot continue. It feels like my life is finished.

[Monica1]

Hi doubledowner, you are not alone. As jappy says for me from simple bingo to full on slot mania and complete destruction. This is over 5 and a half years and I lost much more than the figure you mention. I took myself to rock bottom. Take advice and self exclude. The money is gone and we have to accept that. It takes time to heal and the memories of the money lost do not go away. They keep bouncing back but must just let go every time they come up. Recovery can happen but we must really want it.

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