[Monica1]

Yes, it,would seem my entire world has been turned upside down. My faith in God would say that he can do anything so not to worry about a past error. Does not mean the end of the world. At least I looked it up in my emails, owned up to it and apologised. Within a couple of hours of receiving the eMail. Typical, jump to it straight away as it is work related.
On amkther matter new agey stuff focuses on ascension, which I now see as complete rubbish. God,is,within us, there is nowhere and nothing to ascend to. My past spiritual teacher used to say all the time and laugh that he is allergic to spirituality. I now know what he is talking about. There is so much lies and untruths out there. Certainly my in box is bombarded with all sorts of spiritual courses and crap. Become the spiritual leader you are blah blah. Crap, I couldn’t spiritually lead anyone. It has to come from the Source of All. Pete just moaned at me for not washing up and also said that he will be out of my hair soon and that I would regret it. Truth is I wouldn’t regret it as it means my children might just get more involved. Even if not, I would have my own space back and that might just assist in my recovery. Whilst I am grateful for his help, I can’t eat this crap any more!

[Monica1]

Yes, it,would seem my entire world has been turned upside down. My faith in God would say that he can do anything so not to worry about a past error. Does not mean the end of the world. At least I looked it up in my emails, owned up to it and apologised. Within a couple of hours of receiving the eMail. Typical, jump to it straight away as it is work related.
On air matter new agey stuff focuses on ascension, which I now see as complete rubbish. God,is,within us, there is nowhere and nothing to ascend to. My past spiritual teacher used to say all the time and laugh that he is allergic to spirituality. I now know what he is talking about. There is so much lies and untruths out there. Certainly my in box is bombarded with all sorts of spiritual courses and crap. Become the spiritual leader you are blah blah. Crap, I couldn’t spiritually lead anyone. It has to come from the Source of All. Pete just moaned at me for not washing up and also said that he will be out of my hair soon and that I would regret it. Truth is I wouldn’t regret it as it means my children might just get more involved. Even if not, I would have my own space back and that might just assist in my recovery. Whilst I am grateful for his help, I can’t eat this crap any more!

[Monica1]

I have just been contacted by my last job. I was on my own doing three people’s jobs, which is why I left, along with the Four hour daily travel and lack of support. I forgot to send an important letter out as I missed the email. Oh dear. I keep getting the message that my career is over. I guess it is now. Oh my, what am I going to do?

[Monica1]

Yes, Geordie, the penny dropped for me on this one recently too. I had always thought God was cruel to mae humans suffer so and I put Jesus in this too. I saw Jesus also As a masochist to sign up for the gig. But I recently got it and I believe now in sin, whereas all the teaching I had previously didn’t believe in such things. And I studied for years which makes everything I learned a complete waste of time. I find this quite hard to get my head round

[Monica1]

Thanks for your posts Vera and Geordie. Vera, I had to laugh as there is still a massive crack down the side of the bath from a previous project. Heaven forbid I ask,when it is going to be repaired. Well, before my last relapse when my job ended I had sufficient to do what I would,do,if I had money. I would go to a spa for two weeks. But at my last relapse I wanted to end my life, I was very sick with the addiction and even when I won three times in the same session, I played it to 0 deliberately. When I say I spoke to soon, the doorbell,just went, either debt collectors or bailiffs. Did not respond and they have gone away. No, I did not do what I said I would. I have been awake only around six hours in the past 24. I have just put a wash on and also exchanged texts with my sponsor and am meeting him before the GA meeting tomorrow. Note I had breakfast at 2.30pm. The hospital called and I have to call them back. They act very quickly if they think you may have cancer. I will ring them tomorrow. Vera, what I had today was the council tax forms to fill out and rake to the council. I he always found it difficult,t to do and face this. A part of me just goes f the bills, f this culture that makes people worry continually about paying the bills. This comes from years and years of debt. I could ha e started to address it years ago, ha e tried and failed many times. My sister did an Iva years ago after her husband spent their savings on internet porn. You have to laugh at all this really. She never forgave him, they lost their house and now life in rented accommodation, but in the country, a little cottage just like where we were brought up. Rickety stairs and range fire. I can only do small things and write down each week,what I want to achieve. Even the smallest thing carries over into the next week. A friend texted me and I prayed for her sister who has cancer and she prayed for me. An old work colleague but we have been friends for a long time and we know each other’s lives. She was unemployed for 10 months as the market for what we do has totally crashed. She is now working and happy in it. So that it what i have done thus far. The dog sits with me a lot in my bedroom. He runs and hides under my bed when Pete comes in as he is sensitive to grumpy but likes me cos I love him and am kind to him. Drives pete bonkers, says I am way too soft. He is way too grumpy so I balance it. Well that is my day so far. Thrilling, not!

[Monica1]

Yes, agree with this so much. I only ever gambled on line and yes, the disease did progress at an alarming rate. Just think with all the ads how many people are still caught up in giving every penny to this bunch of misery Pedlars. I mean, even in my own family, mum and sister daily scratch cards, my boys, live and on line poker, my nieces ex, prison through gambling and drug addiction. Feels like sodom and Gomorrah i.e. Darkness and sin made the norm in society. Anyway, well done idi and hope to catch you in a facilitated group at some point. The open groups I think I will give a miss.

[Monica1]

Good advice, thank you. Went to step change twice this year and the next step is bankruptcy which my housing association are trying to find a grant for me to do. Not keen on that option but we will see, it affects my work. Gamcare are on my blacklist as they are on many people who go to GA. they never reply to phone calls. Have been there twice and it was ineffective. The counsellor was poor. I rang the boss there three times and he never returned my calls, so not going there. I am in sarf London Geordie. I have been here four or five times which is why it is so exhausting, the difference now is I have the health issues on top of it all.
Vera, Pete and I do not do anything together. He just made me some breakfast and gave me some cigs. That is it. He stays and lives in the front room sleeping on the floor. I am in my bedroom. The relationship even as friends is going west and probably needs to. It all contributed to my gambling. We parted ways as a couple following my surgery six years ago now, taking 2 years to get over it. There is just an old loyalty there as I helped him a lot before I had cancer and, of course, I had loads of money then. Geordie, I am very encouraged by your story. Out of everyone on here, your story is the harshest but the most uplifting. You went through all the gambling trap doors as Vera would say. I am semi protected from the creditors at the moment, they re not hounding me so much. It is almost like the universe knows I cannot deal with that right now, which I can’t, and they are leaving me alone. It may be that going bankrupt is the right thing to do but I have to feel stronger in order to even engage with that.

[Monica1]

Hi Vera,
How did it go at the docs? There is very little I can do Vera. Life is bypassing me and I am just stuck. That is the simple truth of it. The Bloke in prison who saw the stars isn’t facing reality!
Just noticed my sponsor texted me at 11.30 saying they missed me at the meeting, I said that I was asleep which is true. I woke up at Six pm which was too late to go. I was really unhappy at the last meeting I think because it felt like a boys club, with many whose lives are now Ok sounding complacent whilst mine is a total shambles. I guess I didn’t find it at all supportive and had to leave before I started blubbing all over the place again. I don’t like all this emotion. I am like tom hanks in castaway without the company of Wilson! That is exactly how I feel, like a castaway on a desert island.

[Monica1]

Well still awake in between playing games on my iPad. Tv has packed in again, it is so temperamental. Read through geordies posts and took some heart from that as life certainly did get better for him over time since the coma. I too have food bank vouchers but won’t go. There are some things I just don’t feel able to do. I wonder how long it took for things to get better and whether I am too late. I am that much older at 59 but the gambling career was just five and a half years of complete destruction. I often wonder if this is just the end of things as it sometimes feels that way. Hello, this is the decline and things just don’t get better. This is the one of the things I think I fear most. Having bugger all to do and being too tired for anything energetic is a pain in the arse. Life just isn’t meant to be lived in this way. My health problems certainly got exacerbated since the last relapse although I have had them since the beginning of this year but gambling suppressed It all. Well must try and get some sleep and pray for a bit of breakthrough. Day 66.

[Monica1]

Interesting discussion.

[Monica1]

Sorry to have missed you on the group I did it. It was one of those that wasn’t going to go anywhere. You are right that our health is our biggest asset. I am so boring myself today. Hope tomorrow is better. I will look up your thread see how u r getting on

[Monica1]

Well, went on the group but it was just an open group with a couple of people My wi fi kept cutting off so I gave up. The conversation I could tell really wasn’t going to go anywhere and I find myself switching off easily. It should have a purpose I guess but it does t feel that it does Will try the new members group tomorrow. I am clearly in a bit of a hump after my good day yesterday. Seems I do something, go out and end up sleeping for very long periods after it. Whilst I ack owledge I cannot work right now, it has alwAys been the great stabiliser in my life and I really am bereft without it. I refuse to be broke at xmas and will make all efforts soon to shift out of the purgatory I am in. I think today I am feeling frustration at the one step forward and 2 steps back. On day 65 this feels never ending.

[Monica1]

Hi all,
Vera, thanks for your post and I hope all goes well at the docs. I too am the worlds worst patient, non compliant and never go to the docs unless really poorly as now. Strange day today, I slept from 7am to 6pm and subsequently missed my GA meeting. Not sure how I feel about that. The last one did not go so well and I am beginning to wonder about it. It felt superficial somehow as if it was just a routine and complacent which is why I said never underestimate how desperate people are when they come. I think I will do a GM group tonight to compensate. I wrote up all the Step work yesterday. There is a lot of repetition in this i.e. Same answers to different questions. Still haven’t starting taking my meds but have decided to do this on Friday. Chest not getting any better, but neither is my smoking. So spent this evening looking up clinical trials to stop smoking. I think the docs did a nutritional check on me and I was miraculously ok. Just usual high red cell volume which is thick blood caused by smoking which I have had for many years, Rang me yesterday to do a cholesterol check as not done in years and it was sky high last time. I refuse to take statins. These have dangerous side effects and people have been really messed up by them. Like many drugs with the big pharma companies. Remember HRT? Dished out like smarties in the 80s until they reAlised it caused breast and womb cancer, My mum has pernicious anaemia and has b12 injections every three months. Have decided to go out tomorrow and do a task that i have procrastinated on for a couple of weeks. Going to treat myself to lunch as Pete keeps bringing in junk food for my one meal a day and I have had enough of it. He means well but has the attitude beggars can’t be choosers and won’t change, gets offended if I mention it, so I don’t bother. I really am in such a pickle. Nothing lasts for ever, but I really don’t know how I am going to get my self out of this situation, except to be patient and to keep with the programme, which I seem to have messed up today. I am usually very impatient but also a great procrastinator. That is a an odd mix. Anyway, this is just a quite mundane post and I am boring myself!

[Monica1]

Hi there,
Just a quick note to say that in my five and a half year addiction, I had umpteen relapses and long periods of abstinence. But that was exactly what it was, abstinence and not recovery. I hit rock bottom. Hopefully, you don’t have to do that. I have no,doubt that this addiction is progressive and will take us to hell. I am choosing recovery every day as I do not really have a choice if I want to survive and choose light and not the darkness. I am choosing life now even if things on day 65 are not that brilliant. For today I do not want to gamble. I cannot go back there, i really don’t want to. If you have ever read I am addiction, which is read at GA, please do. It is scary stuff but it is the truth and reality of addiction, I hope you find the strength and will 3raser to,walk the path of recovery.

[Monica1]

Hi idi.
Please don’t put yourself down. I enjoy reading your posts and I like your honesty. I spoke to my eldest son today who is having issues with his relationship and he said he cannot tell the difference between the truth and delusion, i.e. Whether his slightly paranoid thoughts are based on truth, and I said welcome to the human race. I also said that the one thing I had learned in GA was about honesty and taking off the masks. When my kids were little I did not earn much and worked long hours, so my kids and I both missed out. They both went off the rails completely in their teens, as I did, but have turned out to be wonderful human beings. I will have a look at the f and f post.

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