[Monica1]

Hi idi,
How has work been this week? I do agree that you should take time to mull over your decision and then decide. When we are in early recovery I don’t think we can make big decisions because we are still a little all over the place with our emotions. I am also someone who thought they’d never stop. I still can’t wait for Gam Ban which will provide just an extra level of security. I know I won’t gamble outside as I only ever did alone st home on line. I a,so get that it will take time to develop a normal relationship with money which I did ha e ore gambling but the five year habit put an end to thst, it was like Monopoly money. Catch you later. This time we are going to crack it idi, one day at a time .

[Monica1]

Thanks for your supportive post idi. I hope so. Always when I get to the point where I have had enough and give up, glimmers come through where things look up. I am going to write up now how gambling has affected my physical health for the GA meeting tomorrow. Hope to catch you in group later.

[Monica1]

I learned some interesting things today, sometimes we keep learning the same thing over and over again throughout our lives and there was also something about that for me today.

Firstly, I always knew this for some time I have been unhappy in my home and today on going out albeit to the hospital confirmed this again as my mood instantly lifts when not in the home.
Secondly, somtimes it takes someone else to,pinpoint where we are. I sometimes lose perspective and don’t know where I am in the great scheme of things and the journey through life. I experienced this when I had gas and air giving birth to my my daughter. I sudden.y ,just don’t know quite where I was and I guess run away from things. I remember about five minutes before giving birth, after quite an Intense few hours, labour stopped and i got up off the table to go home. I have had this to a greater or lesser extent in my adult life. Anyway, saw the doctor and he think I just have inflammation of the bowel, similar to what I have had in the stomach. Which yet again confirms my diagnosis. God, I really missed my vocation in life. And all of it stress induced. Going to do a colonoscopy just to be sure. I explained that I had not taken the triple therapy because laid low with chest infection, he said, well you’re not breathless, feverish or coughing so I guess you can start taking it now. And I thought, yes, ok, the chest is getting better, i guess. And that was that. My mood is somewhat better again. On the way to the hospital I saw Ben, my eldest son at the railway station which is not local to him, on the opposite platform with the grandkids who are down from Scotland. We were shouting across at each other and will go out to lunch this week. On the way home I went to marks and Spencer’s and spent a small amount of money on some decent food. Just like my mother who won’t let her standards drop. She had one week of meals on wheels and then got her food bought in weekly from m And s. It was ghastly food on meals on wheels I have to say. Al in all, I should now get off my butt and venture into the world again. I have spent 10 weeks in virtual seclusion, aside from GA, and it is now time to go back out into the world Pete just bought me a glass of wine as I am typing this so can’t be that bad. Certainly today has been good.

[Monica1]

Thanks for the posts. Day 70 and no change. Same old same old. Woke up late. Called by bailiffs today who were. Not as harsh as usual. Explained my situation and they said Iva or bankruptcy closes it all down. No more harassment. And Jon yes you are right, I am hurting a lot. But, I actually think I have given up, it is why I can’t do anything. Jonny, i continually had all my family aski g for money when I had it. I just gave it but did not deal with it very well within myself. Geordie, thanks for telling me your financial story. I will mull it over. I have the hospital tomorrow. That will determine what I do next.

[Monica1]

Thanks for the posts all. To start with Jonny, you have asked me exactly the same two questions before. I am 60 next month. A sole trader is not a ltd company and therefore useful for the single self employed person who does not employ anyone, it does not have ltd liability. I have an MBA which took me over 20 years to pay and study for. Jonny, what scares you about reading my posts? That you might end up where I am? Scares the hell out of me too! When I say I cannot do a lower level job. When I came back to the uk after working overseas last October, the Uk was in a very sad state of decline as was my industry. Having been elsewhere, you could really tell the difference as to what was going on in this country with this rotten to the core Government. I did take a lower level job as there was nothing else, and it was awful. The jobs left in my industry of healthcare Are all in organisations with rotten cultures and poor management practices, and nearly all of them are in dire straits financially, the sort that takes years to c’imb out of, I simply know too much to take a lower level job. I also,could not do a menial job. Just isn’t in me. There isn’t another room in the house Vera! Pete lives in the front room, I live in the bedroom. Ok, I shall look at this another way, I am lucky to have grumpy so and so who through old loyalties cooks me a Sunday dinner and throws me a walnut whip, huffing and puffing and moaning at me the whole way. He wants me to snap out of it, and no matter how much I tell him I cannot snap out of it, he still seems to think I can. Jonny, I am sure you will get another job and that you won’t gamble whilst you are out of work. Too much to lose and I am not talking about money here.

[Monica1]

Pete just opened my bedroom door and threw a walnut whip at me with two cigs. Saying that’s it, that’s the last two. I feel like a caged animal being thrown titbits. What I do know is I cannot continue to live like this for much longer. There has to be some sort of breakthrough. This is not a life. I am seeking a positive breakthrough. . Seek and he shall find. Right?

[Monica1]

Slept for long periods today and awoke at 7.30pm. TV not working again. Pete had a go because he had asked me to do the washing up by Five pm and I clearly fell asleep. Was huffing and puffing to himself. Pete cooked roast chicken so just finished that, well tried to finish it but can’t eat huge amounts. GA tells us to have a programme but I find with the depression and long periods asleep it is difficult to have a programme, I am finding the open groups and chats with idi helpful but no one on the ten pm group tonight. I am not looking for advice incidentally, on the contrary, this is my journal and is about how I feel at this stage of the recovery journey. Most of the advice I get anyway I have already done, particularly the financial stuff, so no one to advise on that please as I have been there and done it, and that particular situation is as bad as it gets. A GA lady I met this week called me this evening and we had a nice chat. When you speak to people and hear about their lives and situations that drove them to gamble you really get that some people are given more in life than they can cope with either with themselves or Immediate family, and I really wonder sometimes about the fairness of that. I would not sign up for the human journey again, I don’t think. It is a rough one. Well hit seventy days tomorrow or ten weeks. Has my life improved. Sadly it has not. I am one of those where it gets worse, before it gets better, if it ever will. Five and a half years to get into this messso cannot expect miracles, or maybe I should expect miracles?

[Monica1]

Welcome to the forum and well done for making the decision to quit. I take it that you had a long period of abstinence if you blew 12 months worth of savings? Yes, that is what us CGs do, we can never win. All wins end up as even bigger losses. Until we make the decision never to make that first bet. It is the only way to avoid more pain and suffering and a bottomless put if how far we can fall. Have you told your fiancé and self excluded? What did you gamble on?
You will find that you are not alone and the forum is helpful with support from fellow CGS working recovery. Are you getting any support at the moment? I would recommend you try GA or the groups on this forum. Where you are we have all been and understand the suffering it causes. Well done again for making the decision to quit.

[Monica1]

First email I opened following this post was titled the universe has your back, so I will trust that it does!

[Monica1]

I also could not play for small money either. If broke and playing for 10 or 20ps, I would do it in the most bored manner. It is the addiction that makes us just want to keep playing as long as possible. I am at least grateful that I don’t have that programme running for now but it is difficult to see any way forward. And there probaby isn’t without higher power involved here.

[Monica1]

Thanks for the post idi, and of course, you are absolutely right. The answer simply is no, I would not do a low level job. I am incapable of it and would really sooner die. Awful thing to admit but it is true. So the options are sole trader, self employment. As my business went down the pan to gambling, I could not be a director of a company but could be a sole trader. Issue is that I did all this spiritual training for years to change direction pre retirement and now it is worthless and has been denounced by the teacher. Nothing like having the rug completely pulled from under your feet, although with gambling, I did most of the pulling. I think you are right to get the health issues sorted out and then see where I am. I have to acknowledge that it may be that some of this can never be put right. That makes me sad and I lose hope with this thought process. So it has to be one day at a time.

[Monica1]

Thanks for the advice and for thinking of ways Of making some cash. I think you are right about smoking. I had quit when I started gambling. I will leave it till six months although I know one very brave female CG who quit both at the same time. But I am a very addicted smoker. I think at three months if I am able to I will get a vape. When I quit I got so sensitive to people and my focus and concentration completely went. It lasted five months. I never got off the gum in that time. I have rung these people many times in previous relapses and when out of work between contracts, it has all gone much farther than that. Because of the gambling I never kept to any repayment plan and with step change in may they recognised next step is br. The thought of paying large sums of money every month when for the past year I have been out of work for 7 out of the 12 months (first time ever) was undoable. It would take all my earnings.
I cashed in a small pension last Xmas and used it to gamble.
I do not use eBay and never have, I am not that way inclined, my email is barred for some weird reason as I don’t think my account was set up properly when I tried to do it years ago. I,really,don’t have anything to sell, having lived quite minimalistically for years, just my iPad, and I’m not selling that. I don’t relate at all to sites like eBay and d t even know how to upload photos onto it, I don’t have any of the connections from phone to pc. Age showing here. There is no repayment plan, my housing association,worked out I cannot pay for anything, even electric. That is what this government leaves people in, destitution with the bedroom tax which is deducted from the amount they give you for rent. Wh ting left from benefit of 70 quid a week goes on. The bedroom tax and rent arrears to keep my home and even that is precarious as you will have seen on the news record nos of eviction because of the bedroom tax and the benefit is paid around 7 weeks in arrears. Get these ghastly tories out folks. The cg in me really wanted to destroy everything this last relapse and leave all doors closed. Crazy but true, so my recovery is set in defeating that insane mindset. It is helpful to talk about this, as without a good job, there simply isn’t a way out and I have to consider soon consciously moving to an Iva or br. I will make this decision beginning of November. Funnily enough the doorbell just went and I think it is debt collectors. At least it wipes the slate clean but it also wipes everything else out with it like job. I refuse to live in poverty though. Simply wont have that in my mindset as it took me many years of study and work to come out of poverty.

[Monica1]

Yes, I am still awake and just caught your post on Jonnys thread. What struck me was your love for your job. What I am Going to say is from experience. Don’t let what has happened get in the way of something that you love to do. In other words don’t throw the the baby out with the bath water. I think you are probably very good at what you do and make a real difference idi. it is a very rewarding job. I have confidence that you will do the right thing.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your kindness in your posts. I appreciate it. The two partners I spent about 14 years with each have or had a problem with weed. It seems to mellow them in some way. With me it sends me bonkers so I never do it. Found that out in my teens. Odd that one mans mellower is literally someone else’s poison. Just like cigarettes are bad for everyone, including me, weed is really bad for us too. I worked in mental Heath for 5 years and saw the psychosis it seemed to induce in susceptible folks. I also noticed that withdrawal from it used to induce aggression and anger. Just my observation really having had partners who indulged. I agree with I did it that I think you would make a great sponsor and with 1 years clean time I think you can do that. You must be close to that. I get what you are saying about talking and talking and not healing, I am very wary of that too and have told my sponsor I do not want to get stuck in pain, like people who are in therapy for many years but are still stuck. I accept that for now this is a painful experience for me, probably because before gambling even though I had had cancer, and was recovering, my career and earning potential were doing very well. My finances were in great shape and my debts today would have been paid off five times over. The path if I had not gambled would have been very different. I know this. That hurts for all of us I think. But we have to get over that. It hits us from time to time, it certainly does with me, particularly as on my last binge I cleared out my bank account. But I was what I would call very emotionally sick at that point and had had enough. I know that you have suffered a lot with physical pain. I think that when you have been in physical pain, as I was initially wth the stomach ulcer, you begin to really appreciate not being in pain. This week I have to write about how gambling has affected my health, both mental and physical. I expect we would both have quite a lot to write about that. Idi and I are on here quite a lot as we need the support right now. O e and join us in open group one time.

[Monica1]

I have to,sign rims for my work to say I am not bankrupt,or have an IVA. So,cannot work if I do it. But I may have to, we will see. I have,looked up clinical trials for refractory smokers who find it hard to quit. Tha would be moi. My docs says chest infection. If it doesn’t clear then will get chest X ray. But it isn’t as bad as it was.

[Author]

Posts