[Monica1]

Self reflection and finding a balanced view around complaints are part of a mature professionals toolkit. Also, examining, how did I contribute to that, what could I or others have done better. I certainly use this a lot in work, but not all function in this way. Things happen. In my last job a situation arose whereby my boss took someone’s side against me when it was obvious who had not acted well, and it wasn’t me. There was a lot of manipulation going on from very a very junior person. I knew this situation was irreparable so I did not continue the contract. A lack of support where it matters causes damage to us. I have put this down to experience and moved on. I still think about it occasionally though. The bottom line is it could have been handled better to produce a better outcome. That comes with experience and maturity. It wasn’t handled well but at the end of the day it was not my loss, but theirs. Hope u having a good day idi.

[Monica1]

As it xmas soon, you may want to consider that job carefully as a filler. As you can see, you and I are the same. Without work I go stir crazy. Being unwell, I am a poor patient. I feel very fulfilled when I am working in a job with good colleagues and a good organisational culture. I guess half my jobs have been in that bracket. Trouble is in my field, only the crappiest jobs are left in organisations in a lot of,trouble with poor very hierarchical structures. I do not do well in this type of environment, as they are their own worst enemy, as was my last role. Iam much more into progressive, supportive, developmental cultures who have respect for the individual and their contribution. Good luck Jonny.

[Monica1]

You are so right. Love and family is where it’s at. I spent too long at work trying to forget the shambles of my personal life. As long as we can talk, love and share, we are doing something right.

[Monica1]

My grandson asked me if I was a Christian. I said I was born again. 2nd time recently I have said this publicly when asked. I said that my previous spiritual practice whilst the real mc coy and certainly saved my bacon in a big way, did not teach us how to live in the world, but Jesus does.

[Monica1]

Hi
I just had a wonderful carvery meal with my son, roast beef and great to see and talk with the grandkids. It was great to share. My son is doing well now doing international office removals and logistics. He is off to Vatican City this weekend staying in accommodation right next door to the Vatican. He is off to Dublin next week and was in Stockholm last week.
I said to my sponsor I would ask him why the family could not provide emotional support and he said to me ‘because I did not have it when we were young and it was a question of survival. I was working two jobs just to put food on the table, whilst his stepdad looked after the kids, I was at that time in a very junior supervisory role, not earning that much, and my partner at the time who is not his biological father and who was saving a number of souls as a spiritual person, did not acknowledge and still doesn’t how emotionally abusive and cruel he was to my son when I was not around. Why? Because his stepfather was to him. I wondered at the universe as to how it can set up exactly the same type of situations we were in as kids to work out ornit work out as the case may be the situations that caused us pain or trauma as kids. For example my father provided no emotional support but provided food etc. In what way am I like him, quite a lot. In what way did I choose a partner i.e. Pete who is like him. What was great is that this pattern has not been repeated in our grandkids. I am so happy about this. I said that his early years up to three were very loving as he was just with me. He acknowledged that this was the case and blames me for his need for cuddles’ in his relationships. I was always cuddling him as a baby. He said at one point in his life he did a lot of drugs to end his life, a very long time ago now. I said I was sorry that it took me so long,to leave his stepfather, but leave I did when he was 15. He says he has taken some of this early damage through into his relationships, It was a great share and I feel good because of it. We agreed to give ourselves one year to get me relocated to the coast where my daughter lives, his credit is now really good, and we talked about how I am still a bit anti establishment and he said he got over this ten years ago. He said that he would put the deposit down on a rented 1 bedroom flat for me. I just feel so good that we shared this. It gives me something to aim for but it also means that we can now discuss the past and try and repair some of the emotions around how we feel about it all. I feel kinda warm and happy inside.

[Monica1]

What do you think about the self blame bit and how to stop beating yourself up about it? I think GA would say acceptance and taking responsibility. My sponsor does have a sponsor and I knew I needed to avail myself of a sponsor as soon as I went to GA. I had been for help early on to a number of different organisations and GA was the last one. As I am quite isolated having a sponsor helps me. I do not have another relapse in me and I was already way down the line of falling off a cliff edge. Our GA group,also has a couple,of active gamblers in it and they own up to it. That is their responsibility I guess, but it is not for me. Not today or tomorrow.
My son is picking me up shortly with the grandkids, so I am off,now,
Yes, I know about I am Daniel Blake but won’t go and see it. Because I know it and it is too close to home. I would find it painful viewing. Ken loach is a good guy. I am very active on line for the Corbyn campaign. And that is as far as I will,go,to,discuss anything political. I think you know my views on the tories, I certainly put it in brackets,ie get them out every time I discuss the benefits system. I don’t think I have ever been so angry about anything but when I read of the suicides amongst the disabled and u employed who have been sanctioned, it makes my blood boil.

[Monica1]

I am fairly certain you will find something jonny. The only advice I would give Is dont rush into the first job that comes up. With very few jobs around I have done that and lived To regret it. Make sure it is right for you. Whet is your idea for a business? There are so many business ops on the net that are too good to be true and generally are. You’ve nearly done a year now jonny. Amazing. Well done!

[Monica1]

I like your no nonsense approach Geordie. And I agree with you about blame and your argument was exactly my response back to my sponsor. So then I am left with self Blame which is not healthy. I guess Step Four and five deal with that but that’s an awful long time to wait in self blame before I get there… My financial situation being what it is, I accept that it is that way. And yes, you do need a referral to a food bank. My work coach referred me cos of the bedroom tax. These guys know that with the bedroom tax, there is nothing left to afford to be able to eat. Tory ….tards . What I had left I went to m and s with and spent 15 quid on something I could actually eat. But I did go without all day today until pete did a stew for when I got back from GA. I realise I cannot continue like that but at the moment it is odaat and the day brings what it does. Remember I have withdrawn from everything except GA and the docs visits so I am not using huge reserves of energy. If the cupboard is bare, it is bare. I had bread and salad cream one day last week, yum. The whole jar went in two days… I am making light of my situation or else believe me I would just cry and cry…

[Monica1]

Non branded Cheap tins in food banks idi. Thanks for the explanation about powerlessness and choice. We only really get the choice in recovery really. But if we really are to recover, there is no choice but to not gamble. Paradox.
When I was saying it is about me. Money and the big win doesn’t solve me. It could just all escalate again. Having said that, when I put down what I woulddo if I had money now, I meant it. Sure would help my physical and mental recovery to have two good weeks in a good spa.

[Monica1]

We need this reminder. Thanks for posting it.

[Monica1]

Hence so many spelling errors in my post.

[Monica1]

Thanks 3raser and Jonny for your helpful posts. I did the 2am group last night and then slept through to 1pm. Woke up,feeling tired and coughing a lot stain, which is down to the cheese I stuffed yesterday. Dairy always makes these things worse. I get the take baby steps,Jonnny because yesterday was good. Today is one,of those days where you think, I am not going to get much done today. I simply finished my step work and then went to GA. when walking through the park to the station, I got a sharp pain in my knee. I thought hello, haven’t injured it, what’s going on here. It lasted for a minute or two and then believe it or not, I spoke very nicely to my knee about how great it was to have legs and dont even think about packing up as I need my legs to get to GA. I then did a long stretch. There was a loud click and the pain went. All back to normal, I am pleased to report. Experience strength and hope meeting this evening. I shared about my financial situation, the unopened letters etc. It happens that finances is the next bit in step one. A member says he is going to think about what the best thing is for me to do. I still cannot face it. Although I did open a letter from the ****** court where I had requested a Ccj to be put aside, my first one of what will be quite a few. I have a form to fill in which costs 220 quid for the privilege. It seems if on benefits you can get help with that. After the meeting I had time with my sponsor about impact on my physical and mental Health which is the longest price of writing I have done thus far. We had a debate about responsibility for gambling. He said it wasn’t my fault, I said it was we have free choice and I chose to stick the knife into myself over and over again. I accept that I am powerless over gambling. I think the view was that as you are powerless, then it isn’t your fault. I don’t know what to think about this. When he said it, I felt myself well up, a little bit like in good will hunting where he says, it’s not your fault over and over agai . over and over again? anyone have a view? That was the only time in the meeting I felt myself well up. The emotional s of the past few days have not been so overwhelming as they have been to date. Anyway, home now and first food of the day, chicken stew. My sponsor, “go to a food bank”‘ me “no”. And that went back and forth for a while. Bottom line is I don’t like cheap crap food, have never ever shopped in Lidl or the other one, Aldi. Never will. I said I would sooner not eat than eat crap. The funny thing is I can go without foodfor over 24 hours and I dont even feel hungry any more. I would have expected to have lost a lot of weight, but I haven’t. I have lost a bit but In all the wrong places. Something somewhere is looking after me and I thank my higher power for that.

[Monica1]

Thanks Geordie. I have seen it. Thanks so much for posting. As requested I respect your request and won’t comment on your thread.
Can’t wait or the next bit.

[Monica1]

How r u feeling and now is the job hunt homing?

[Monica1]

Hi idi
Like you I have huge pieces to pick up. I knew my issues but now I feel them and want to do something about them. Gambling was to mask them as I had no one to talk to and I was saying to a GA friend who rang me this evening we do need other people to talk to and express how we are feeling. What an isolated world we live in, a,though to a certain extent I don’t like to get too close to people. Loss issues here I think.

[Author]

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