[Monica1]

I really enjoy reading your posts Jonny, and you are not a thorn. I am aware that some folks might think this is a warning sign but to me it’s not and it’s something I just do when watching Tv or relaxing. I don’t do it as much these days anyway. Thanks for keeping in touch with your posts. I have had 2 nice and what I would call good days this week when I feel more like my old self. I like this. I even feel that the triple therapy is doing its work. I think this thing must have been whacking my system for a very long time, as well,as this terrible addiction and its consequences.

[Monica1]

Hi Jonny
Yes, only,occasionally on Facebook free bingo. Have played this for years even pregambling. I do not feel there is anything untoward to be honest about really. I do not play on any gambling sites and never would. Have self excluded anyway. To me this is not gambling. Sorry if you have an issue with this, I do not and don’t want to feel I have to be defensive about it, I always play a lot of games on my iPad mostly hidden object games to keep my brain alert. When you get to my age you have to keep your brain alert particularly when you are stuck indoors all day and not feeling physically well.
Have had a good day today and felt a lot of inner peace. This has been since accepting that bankruptcy may be the only way forward and my great chat with idi yesterday.

[Monica1]

Yes, I completely agree with you here. Although, I think if we took it to a court of law, the blame squarely rest on the addict for any misdemeanours or crimes committed during the addiction. I remember watching a documentary about a woman who committed not one but two acts of major fraud to finance her gambling and was in prison on a very lengthy sentence, it was between five and ten years as I recall. That is how far this addiction can take us, down a very dark road indeed. I have plummeted to my rock bottom and that is exactly what it feels like, a big fall. Mine was the potential of being on the streets and losing my home, bankruptcy and destitution, losing my health and my marbles. That was enough for me and really had gone way way too far down the road to ruin. I do say that I can feel the distance between myself and the on line slots. Although I occasionally dry run and play free slots on the free bingo, when I am bored, this does not in any way give me an urge to gamble. In the past it did, but there is no desire in me at all to play for money on line. I am feeling the distance but also feeling the closeness if you get what I mean. The bonus rounds on shamans dream spring to mind which was my preferred poison, it was the colour, a deep blue, and that is coming from someone trained in colour therapy. I swear to god if I had loved fairy stories so much as a child, I might not have got so hooked on some of these slots, i.e. Jack and the beanstalk etc. I always played the fairy story ones more than the others. The thought of putting in thousands to these sneaky on line sites makes me feel slightly nauseous now, and that isn’t the triple therapy!

[Monica1]

Thanks for this idi. Indeed, some very famous people have gone bankrupt and bounced back. Yes, I looked it up. Could you explain what you mean about the codswallop re manipulation? Do you mean that for us it is codswallop? Cos this is something I disagree with GA about. I can firmly say that I did not manipulate anyone during this addiction. I lied once or twice to gamble but used my own money and that of the credit card companies. Plus I think you are the least manipulative person I have come across. Which is why the tarring with the same brush is something I do not sign up to with GA. each gsmbleris different and is doing it for different reasons. I know my reasons were those of self destruction and the emotional aspects of the illness although the self destruction only played in when I had gone too far with it. So the powerlessness does then come into it. I like your analogy of the allergy to peanuts i.e. You just can’t do it and I will carry that with me to refer back to if needed.

[Monica1]

Hi, today I feel a little happier and clearer because I had a good pep talk with idi yesterday and someone from GA rang me last night for a chat. I feel able to clear my bedroom and do some washing today plus look at my daily goals to see what I want to achieve today. That is not to say I will feel the same tomorrow. I have lived in recovery now for 76 days and I know how the emotional state can swing from one space to another, and it frequently does. And you are right, things definitely weren’t great when I started gambling, but I had money and a job I liked. There were also many things not right with my life that I did not,know what to do about and had no one to help express or gather my thoughts on. I didn’t even know some of the things that were not right and only now, this year have I seen some of these things. And it is all very new, this recovery business, This is where sites like this are great and GA is too. To do a lot of cleaning is very therapeutic. I am starting this today but have been unable to do even this locked in depression. It is one day at a time. I have now had 3 good days out of 77 and 2 of them have been in the last week, So the good days will become more frequent. Every day is a bad day when we gamble because we are just running away, something I am all too famiiar with in this life.

[Monica1]

Hi idi,
If you look on my thread you will see that I got a huge amount out of our chat yesterday. It shifted my thinking to move towards acceptance and it made my resistance and fear about becoming bankrupt less,fearful. That is something as it has been heavily weighing me down for some time. So thank you so much for that. My gambling was definitely escape but also self destruction as I felt life was over and that it held nothing more for me. I also see that was wrong and that whilst we are alive there is always hope. My life has been tipped over literally 360 degrees but I am glad for GA and very happy to have found this forum to share our journey.

[Monica1]

I am pleased you are feeling a little better. Giving up gambling and have physical issues is difficult. I know because I have developed some debilitating health issues since stopping and the financial pressures. 75 days in and the rawness is still with me as my problems got a lot worse. But I Am hopeful and as idi says, learning patience as I am very impatient sometimes for things to shift. Well done on your gamble free time.

[Monica1]

I had a great chat with idi at 2pm. It inspired me to think about what I really want to do for the rest of my life. I had all those years of wasted training but I am discovering other things that I am interested in. Shame it has come to so late in life but better late than never. I am glad I wrote the ideas down the other day. I don’t feel like running away so much and filing for bankruptcy now. There is life after it. Although I would hope not to, it,is looming ever closer now. Thanks idi.

[Monica1]

Hiya, has given me a few ideas. I looked up marks and spencer but all xmas jobs at minimum wage. Other jobs not interested in really. Also looked up Avon and watched some u tube videos, lost interest watching a few of those. I need to be a bit more upmarket, she says one step away from the street. Something I have been looking at over quite a long time which I could do if bankrupt is neals yard organic. So I have been looking at that. Hope your day continues to get better. Am having some side effects from the triple therapy so again spending time in my bed.

[Monica1]

Thanks I did it, I get it now with m and s. Cheers will have a look. The NHS didn’t used to discriminate either but in some areas it defintely does now. Glad London is going ok. See you in group at 2. It has been quiet on the forum. You are not alone in feeling like a blubbery mess. Where did we go to, come back!

[Monica1]

Hi p
I like reading your posts because they so eloquently describe the torture and horrors of this awful addiction. So thank you for that. I like your description of raindrops of recovery turning into a gigantic waterfall. I feel that I am experiencing only the trickles right now. Life for me is merely existence. I wish I could be the person I was pregambling but I am not there yet.

[Monica1]

Dear Marta,
Firstly you are not a bad person and you are not alone. You did not ask for this addiction. It starts innocently enough as it did with me and bingo and then online slots. Harmless fun becomes funless harm. Left unchecked this addiction takes us to very dark places and is progressive. It will take us to rock bottom and hopefully things have not yet got the Well done on making the decision to want to stop. You Have to really mean that and want it. Firstly, have you self excluded from the sites you play at? Secondly, it is virtually impossible to give up this addiction without support and help. GA for me has been very helpful and provides hope. Also, like your partner, do you have anyone you can hand your money over to manage for you. As your partner has made the decision to stop, it will very difficult for him in the relationship if you re actively gambling. Gambling when it becomes out of control is very detructive but there is a way out of it and there are many success stories in here of recovery. This forum has some very helpful folks on it who will be able to provide you with advice. Keep posting and good luck.

[Monica1]

Well woke,up at 5am. Read the articles finding Laura put on I did it’s journal which were helpful. At the moment I feel,up and down like a yo yo. On the one hand I want to take a leaf out,of I did it’s book and express gratitude for what I do have and on the other hand I m really cross that nothing is moving forward and I am stuck in limbo land completely unable to face the financial ruin gambling has caused in my life. What a dilemma. I dreamed I was in the overseas job last night and no one talked to me or acknowledged me, well,maybe one person did. But I was really happy to be by the sea. I usually flew there but was on the ferry and lost my ticket but was already back in the Uk on the return journey. I have been dreamless,for a while but past two nights have had vivid dreams that I recall when I wake up. I believe that dreams are our subconscious giving us messages. Hope everyone is ok and that I did it’s trip to London is enjoyable.

[Monica1]

I had a good day yesterday and it is nice to get posts which say this is your breakthrough. But the honest truth is that today and back to real life is just another day of what is for me existence, not living. The fallout from gambling just keeps playing through and I realistically don’t think there is a point where you say it all got better then. Cos it hasn’t.

Today
Bailiffs called. As usual don’t answer
Half hour holding on for universal credit to answer to tell,them doc has only just signed med cert. they say if not received by Monday cut off benefits which means eviction.
25 mins holding on for doc to chase to sign off med cert
Walk down to surgery, not signed 20 min wait to get cert signed off.

Went to GA and could feel myself welling up beforehand. Third time I have felt like this before a meeting. It was an inspiring step 3 share of someone whose life turned around completely when he surrendered to his higher power. I am currently doing the financial damage step and I am finding this painful. I cannot face bankruptcy which I will have to soon. It is too much for me. One interesting thing the young man shared was that he prayed for the positive qualities in the orange book so may try that I left as soon as the meeting ended, which I always do when I am about to blub.

[Monica1]

Are you off somewhere nice?

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