[Monica1]

Love resurrection, Alison moyet, blow me the Universe answers quickly. We all need a love resurrection, a little divine intervention…

[Monica1]

Very timely, thank you. You know I am listening to a programme of 80s music, girls just want to have fun etc. It was a happier, simpler time. I think we have really lost the joy of life somewhere along the line. It’s all very bouncy music with happy feelings, full of life. We need to get that simple joy of living and happiness back. Today I believe this is possible.

[Monica1]

All I ever did and it was so destructive. Thousands gone in a few minutes. Never, ever think this is less damaging. It sucks big time. Lose control within a few minutes.

[Monica1]

See you next group.

[Monica1]

You know, time was that I would get my weekly pay on a Friday, feel the butterflies in my guts, and rush to play the slots usually all night long. Today, 4 hours on from getting my benefit and it only just crosses my mind now. Something has really changed. And there is nothing in me that wants to do that at all. Things are calmer today, no,call from bailiffs but I have blocked the number anyway. Pete has just come in and said he is not buying food for me any more. That is so fine by me. He has a problem with me eating it. I mean, really…. I cannot bear pettiness, it is one of of those things that pushes my buttons. Even if there is a Tiny bit of pate in the fridge and it may be the only thing I eat in a day, he gets cross because I have eaten it. I feel totally ok with this cos I will eat a darn sight healthier than macdonalds and pizzas. The wedge between him leaving and the separating out is getting more by the day and iam happy with this. I genuinely wish him well. It has only taken six years, such a procrastinator i am. I was also thinking how wonderful it would be to buy some new clothes. I used to buy twice yearly a wardrobe but nothing at all all this year. How wonderful it will be when I am able to do this again.certainly will appreciate it.

[Monica1]

Loved reading your post. Laura’s advice is very good re counselling. Hope u can get further than I did with the six months wait. As I have said before, I knew all my issues mentally even when gambling but now I know them, emotionally. They are there right in front of me. And I agree with you being in recovery, you just know and you simply cannot go back to the way things were. you re doing good idi but the emotional ups and downs,I really recognise as I,am still there. Speak soon.

[Monica1]

Thanks so much for the heartwarming post laura. And yes, mama lion will always protect her cubs. Got my benefit paid on time today so that’s the roof ok for the next month. Small things to be grateful for. And I can now go buy some food, yea!
So, your hanging on and not losing ground today would seem most timely and appropriate. You asked me whether there was anything natural that would treat this and the answer is yes there is, but it costs a few hundred quid. Got the book on it recently. Maybe later at some point but I certainly won’t be doing these drugs again. Have to eradicate it as it can lead to stomach cancer. How to get big doses of love sent my way. Someone once said to me that if you stay in the question the universe responds. So the question is how does it get better than this and how much love is possible to be sent my way. Experiment let’s see if I get an answer.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your posts, really means a lot. I was very down yesterday, everything seemed to be getting too much. Pete was very shouty saying he will move out. I said that is good, and I think that is the right thing to do, and then he changes like he doesn’t want it to happen. I think three things got me down, the baiiffs for obvious reasons, with them calling me on three consecutive days. The fact that the financial inclusion team who visited weeks go have done precisely nothing to help. And the fact my GP did not bother to call back and still hasn’t. Takes half a hour of holding’ on to even get the phone answered. This is it today, where the professionals have no time or adequate resources to care.
I have read a lot of blogs of people who are depressed, there sure are a lot of them, some who have felt this way all of their life, some with small problems and some with very big problems. Young and old. What I do get is the more some engage with services that help and meds, the worse it seems to get. Sad but true, maybe stigma and society’s masks. For me possibly not being to effectively deal with the underlying issues of debt, bankruptcy, potential homelessness, along with three or four recent new health issues, poverty when used to abundance, the fact that my age puts most employers off and generally not adapting well to this stage of life. Plus I read also there are just some people who just do not care for this process called life., its repetitious and empty meaningless walk through suffering. I have said before, who,would,Chloe,it pre birth. I certainly wouldn’t. I would go, nope, not that planet and not as a human being, I think I will stay as as a star child thanks very much.
So, on reflection, somehow I am just going have to try and pull myself out of It, just baby steps as jonny would say one day at a time. When faced with setbacks, just accept them as what they are, temporary with the assurance as idi says that all things pas and change. I mean I can’t sit in my bedroom for eternity now can I.?
The allergic response is not as bad today and the lumps on my face and lips are reducing. But can’t go to GA tonight so again maybe join a group. Thanks Laura, I guess the things you suggest are exactly what I need, a big dose of love. This what am missing I think, that little thing that is so important. I have missed it for years now. The boys are overseas at the moment so cannot go to them right now. They are living their lives and I can’t keep running to them.

[Monica1]

Aside from nicotine withdrawal all day, have had an allergic reaction to the drugs. Today has been just too much to bear, and that is all I am able to say on-the matter today.

[Monica1]

Chickens all coming home to roost today. Hounded by daily threatening bailiff calls. Told them my situation and they keep telling me to prove I am on sickness benefit by going down to the council. I explained that at present cannot leave the house as had adverse reaction to the drugs I am on. I ended up losing it and telling them this is a class war and that they prey on the vulnerable. Also never to call me again and blocked their number.

Put the phone down and sobbed. I cannot take this any more and just want it to end.

[Monica1]

Yes, makes perfect sense. Like you, I tend to avoid company when I am ill cos I am not a good patient. A very impatient patient you could say. I agree with you, I have felt most lonely in a crowd and it is the inner connectedness and unity that we seek. Why I wonder when we are not well, it feels harder to find within ourselves?

[Monica1]

I think we should always keep,posting. We are only ever one bet away from destruction. Emotions fluctuate a lot and that is why we should post even to say, great day. My life is now great lol.

[Monica1]

Are gamtalk same as gamcare? If so I have posted previously my views on gamcare. Superficial and ineffective counselling….
let’s look at this loneliness. We nurture but don’t often get nurtured ourselves or when we were on those few occasions failed to recognise it in my case… Laura talks about it too. I have had counselling that I paid for during changes in my life. In my most connected moments, I am not lonely cos you have the inner connection which feels loving and peaceful and strong. Am I connected today? At times, at others worrying about my wasp sting lips lol and hoping it doesn’t go into a full blown reaction. I don’t think it will but I am not taking any of this crap anymore. My body knew when it threw up on Monday. Imalso,feel a little wiped out but that’s the meds again. But I am really interested in why we do not appear to get our needs met. In a way I am lucky cos I just got bought a macdonalds cheeseburger by Pete. He is broke and neeeds urgent dental care so all is tight. He gave me some cigs. My physical needs for physical surgical are kinda met, and my emotional ones 75 per cent with GA and my journal and gma friends. But the need to have a close union with another where we can talk about emotions. Definitely not and rarely has been. I have always been the one that earns the money and talks with others, others come too and talk about their emotions. But I have not often had this reciprocated. why? ga asked me if I was co dependent. My answer was no as I want to leave! And I have spent long periods of time working away from home. Aside from the dependence right now on pete for survival. Thats different, I think cos I am not well. Is this disconnectedness just symbolic of the culture we live in? Where families disintegrate or are geographically all over the place? What is it that causes this in us. We all have an inner yearning for connection to God, thst us part of the human condition. Is that what it is? Or do humans have a basic need to be heard, acknowledged and understood. Hashtag, who are we?

[Monica1]

I was going to comment on this in my previous post but forgot. What are the productive ways to deal with the things we want to escape from?
For me it would be
Escaping, haha, literally moving home and starting a new life
Ill Heath, get better and then do things to improve health and wellbeing, exercise and switching to a vape prior to packing up the nicotine
The problems of ageing, don’t know, any ideas Anyone
Debt and constant harassment by debt collectors and bailiffs, well without a grant I cannot go bankrupt so stuck with this until a creditor decides to do it against me In this culture everything costs even when you are declaring you have no money.. loony tunes modern culture
Poverty, keep planning and looking. God only wants the best for us and that is abundance.
Loneliness, don’t know, I am quite antisocial and fussy about my friends who all appear to be CGs at the moment.
My sponsor just called and asked me to do a reading on Friday. I declined and said that I will do a reading when I am out of the woods, as really not there yet. Still dealing with all the fallout on day 79. I also could not think of a reading that has inspired me so I had better start looking for one. Aha, just thought of one, there is a lot,in the afterlife of billy fingers, has anyone read it?

[Monica1]

Hi there,
Well, talk about one step forward and two steps back. Woke up today to thumping headache and swelling/blistering on my lips and temple. I know these are well known side effects to this medication so have promptly stopped it on day 6. All my life I have struggled with western medicines so usually avoid if possible. Even with morphine which you might think would be quite euphoric. Nope, blood pressure drops in its boots. So no GA this evening, not going with these lumpy lips. So will probably do a group tonight.
My daughter rang today and will be visiting Thursday week so that’s good She cut her holiday in Cornwall short. I think it exposed her marital issues which often happens on family breaks.
I don’t disagree with anything geordie has said at all. I particularly agree with the need to express and talk. I have had a complete lack of outlet for this nearly all my life aside from here and GA so would.like some counselling but the wait is long. By the time the six month wait is up I would have hoped to have moved on considerably from where I am now.
How sad not to have anyone to talk about things in depth because most are caught up with survival and their own issues. God has my back, thanks idi,and I must be patient.

[Author]

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