[Monica1]

The answer for me to your most insightful question is no, I would not have developed the addiction if I had been leading a happy supported life. I most certainly was not happy when I started gambling and many women CGs have similar issues with either no emotional support anywhere for a long time, like me or in roles and relationships that do not nurture them. My odd pattern was that I never gambled or had urges when away from home all during the week for a long period of time so I could clearly identify that the issue was all to do where I was living and with whom I was sharing my space. I don’t know why it is that a certain type of woman uusually the nurturing kind seems to choose partners that are completely unsuitable for them. This has been my lot. I think it is because we need to learn first to stand on our own two feet and be clear about what we will accept in our lives and what we won’t. And I also think we get worn away by the cares in our Iives. I think half the population could say they feel like this at certain points. I certainly do and it is a kind of giving up or the realisation that this is as good as it gets that leads to a sort of depression. Cos if this is as good as it gets then life would appear to be full of drabness and mundanity which all goes to make for a world weary stance on things. Gambling was me giving up cos it had all been too difficult and I had no one who had the perspective, interest or care to help me out of what I was feeling. That is sad. This is certainly how I felt, not saying the same for you! It it all has to do with a lack of love or self love in our lives. When we feel the love within ourselves we are capable of loving others. And, as Vera says the key to happiness is to be without desire and detached, like the buddhists would say. To be attached is to suffer. When I have been in touch with the higher power and That has been the most high moments in my life, when I feel the love Within everything is just fine just as it is. Most definitely this is the cause of all suffering and also the cure . Love does conquer many things. I think to feel and receive love is the most vital thing in our lives and too many of us are bereft of this and need to go within to find it. maybe the loneliness comes from a lack of connection within, I don’t know, but in my most connected moments I may be alone but I am not lonely. Getting very philosophical here… and I must admit I am struggling to integrate all of the spiritual, emotional and physical aspects into wo we are as humans, but then I have always had this issue throughout my life, i.e. My focus has always been on the spiritual to the detriment of all the other bits that make us human. I shall stop waffling now on your thread but I do know exactly where you are with feeling how you do.

[Monica1]

I like your reasons for not gambling, They are really solid. Part of faith is not quitting from a marriage when things are difficult so I can respect that too. But you can’t exactly do nothing either. I would look at the aspects and chronic patterns that you feel are damaging and raise them for discussion. Can you get some counselling in your time out? It is difficult to get perspective sometimes on these things without professional support like Relate or just normal counselling?

[Monica1]

What a great quote Vera. So true. And idi, you know what the right thing is to do. How awful to have to say Day 1 again. I don’t have another day 1 in me. Do you honestly? Why do you want to blow all your hard work? And for what? You quit for you. It is your gift to you. If the marriage iSin trouble or over then you will need to reflect on that, and what you do about it. Can it be Retrieved? No woman should live with a bully yet many of us have accepted that as our lot in our lives. I no longer do and have not for a long time now. If we put up with it, it continues. If we set clear boundaries, it does not, or if it does, then we need to consider our next steps. The serenity prayer springs to mind.

[Monica1]

Yes, perseverance is a quality I have along with impatience. But then it took me 24 years to get my masters. Hardly showing a lack of patience… A number of people have said I have perseverance as a quality from when I was young through to adulthood. And yes, when we were chucked off the train I texted my sponsor to say I might turn back, but I didn’t. Perseverance! You will see I also put procrastination in my personal life. Because it has taken me many years 5 and 6 respectively to get out of the two main relationships I have had in my life, a very very long time after they were over with each. With the 1st it was for of the kids, I had come from a hitter broken home. With the 2nd via I didn’t want to put him out on the street until he was working which he now is. This has cost me personally. My needs don’t seem to have come into it and that is by and large to do with how I feel about myself and confidence in my ability to move forward into a happy life. I will contemplate that and work on it. Both major relationships have had bullying and abuse issues, although Pete worked on his and there has been nothing for a nearly a decade now. But really, there is nothing left, just 2 old friends with nothing in common at all. We just inhabit the same space and soon it will be time to call a day on it.

[Monica1]

Today I started to look at paperwork that I have been ignoring for months. Have opened a few letters but a long way from opening all of them, even the Ones that say on the envelope must respond by 13th November. Other folks deadlines, not mine. Even then it took me hours just to even begin. Well, was 35 mins late for GA courtesy of the rail strike and major disruption on the line. Missed a step six share, i.e. Character defects which was a shame. Started to look at mine which are
Procrastination in my personal life
Impatience
Some self pity In there too

Spent some time with my sponsor after going through financials and moloyment parts of step 1 and then have only just got home with the disrupted rail. Step 1 is a long step folks. I am Ok today. It is quite cold outside, temperature has really dropped.

[Monica1]

Woke up feeling like I wasn’t going to achieve much today. I did get a lovely text from my sister who said she would pay my fare to spend Xmas with them. I thought this was a lovely gesture plus a text from my daughter asking what i would like to do on my 60th birthday on the 27th November. I missed my daughters 30th as I was in action so I owe her. The hospital shifted my colonoscopy appointment to Friday which is better as means I can go to GA tomorrow. 2 weeks Without a meeting would be too long I think. I am Ok though, accepting my situation for now.

[Monica1]

Lovely posts both ty. I agree idi, this Goverment will I have no doubt be held to account one day and I want to be there when they are. For all of the fallen, i.e. Those left in hopeless situations with no financial support sanctions etc, where suicide has been their way out.

[Monica1]

Aside from on the internet where I would in a mad panic to try and get it back on when gambling. Was very calm about it today, there’s the difference. Gp rang and said my cholesterol whilst still high at 6.6 was down two points from 5 years ago and hba1c normal so not prediabetic. This is good news. Statins not indicated, keep with the benecol, diet and exercise. This is good news. Well just started on the improved diet now getting own food, exercise next. Didn’t go to GA as it was a wee bit cold out. So did 2 groups on gm. Feeling ok. Allergic reaction cleared up now, started to resolve as soon as I had stopped the drugs.

[Monica1]

You are doing all the right things tyguy. It has to be baby steps one day at a time. I admire your courage to email your girlfriend but sorry it was not possible to tell her verbally. Good luck and I hope that she is able to support you on,your recovery journey. Keep posting.

[Monica1]

Dear Tyguy33
Well done for posting on this forum which is for recovering compulsive gamblers. As you may know, tyguy, compulsive gambling is a progressive illness and only gets worse. Thankfully, you have not hit rock bottom but I think even you can see the progressive nature of the illness. I too hit rock bottom and spent my rent money and everything in my bank account which I had never done before. The repossession order on my home woke me up to,do,something about this. Your job is a blessing, believe me. Don’t let it get so bad that you ,owe your job. When we are addicted to gambling things happen to shake us out and realise what we are doing to ourselves. Your girlfriend in the longer term or your aunt in the short term handling the finances is a good idea. You have time on your side and you can stop this addiction for good. Compulsive gamblers never win, it just goes back until we are left with nothing. Is there a GA where you are or any addictions counselling? You do need to get some support as without it it is almost impossible to quit. You also must self exclude from any local casinos or on line sites. This addiction will destroy your life, no doubt about they. You have time on your side to rebuild your life. Oh, and tell your girlfriend. Good luck!

[Monica1]

Well, this morning my internet was cut off for the want of 11.48, so paid it and services now gratefully restored but cannot pay the next bill due 16th November. Went for meeting with work coach who said that my mood had noticeably improved. They leave you alone if you are medically unfit to work but you still have to attend meetings with your work coach. I am lucky to he a nice one. When you are four weeks on sickness benefit here, you have to complete a long form for limited work capability assessment. I completed mine saying I intend to return to work as soon as possible. Then you wait for six i this or so to have the infamous Atos assessment wich is where most disabled people’s benefits are cut. They have declared many people fit to,work to have passed away shortly after. All reiminiscent of something that might happen in a foregone era under a totalitarian regime. This is the Uk today people. Get them out. I have no disabilities, I said to my work coach taking it all one day at a time. I am writing down short, medium and longer term money making opportunities. I gave two,pounds to a homeless,man who was outside macdonalds and starving. There but for the grace of the Lord. My Gp left a message to call from my phone call last week about my allergic reaction. Dear me….only took three days to get back to me.

[Monica1]

Bought a large trifle and said to Pete to help himself to some and he ate the lot. Absent from said fridge today. Hmmmm. Spent afternoon texting messages with my daughter. She is very interested in astrology and is doing my chart. She said my moon is in libra which means I have an independent pioneering spirit and that I had better get in touch with that. Aside from that lazy day. A lady wno rings me regularly from GA called which is nice to get the support. She is over 1 year in recovery. I have not been to a ga meeting in 9 days as have been under led to. Will try tomorrow.

[Monica1]

Just to say thanks. It was a lovely post and gave me a bit of a boost. I am really pleased you have found a new job and I am sure it will be better than the last one. You don’t like conflict, neither do I. I am generally the non involved resolver of conflicts which in my work I am really good at. Any conflict that involves me directly bothers me hugely. I can’t seem to get it out of my head until there is resolution. I love hitting your posts Jonny and reading your posts. Well done on your gamble free time. Amazing achievement!

[Monica1]

Well, went to sleep at 1am and up at 9am feeling very normal. Made my way through the park on way to a central London hospital and realised again that autumn is my favourite season even when it is raining, just a slight breeze in the trees.
Waited for about 45 mins for nurse appointment and pre colonoscopy. Told will have to stay overnight. All the prep means I will not be able to go to GA on weds so will have to find a meeting earlier than that. I kept kind of withdrawing thinking I don’t want to have this done… yes, it can be uncomfortable, yes we pump lots of air into your colon. Ewwwww, our bodies are not meant to go through these things. Got a headache as realised a few storm clouds in atmosphere. As soon as it passed, headache went. So sensitive to all these things. Also,I feel,quite a change of mood in central London. The calm gets replaced by a slight agitation at the crowds of people and the traffic. Well, went food shopping in Sainsbury’s. Still can’t do the lidls or aldis. Mind you, no local Ones anyway.,spent 11 quid on three meals or so. All fresh. Hurrah, no supermarket curries, macdonalds or pizzas. Bought the tiniest piece of cheese from gourmet cheese shop. Then walked through park about 2 miles home. Trees were so still, love it. Rang my mum who had this procedure annually for 20 years till,she was 80. She said it was not too bad just a bit uncomfortable and reminded me that last Xmas I was lying on the sofa with a belly ache and that really I should have it done. I,had forgotten about this and thought it was just from January I had been having symptoms. So,I guess I will have it done. Got home. Pete said oh, so,you’ve bought your own food then and then we talked through the logistics of how the food situation will work. All in all, feeling quite ok and very normal. Which is good!

[Monica1]

Just caught up on your posts idi. I know what you mean about the forum being a real help. When we have very little in our lives in the way of emotional feedback for us and support, the friends on this forum provide a huge help to our one day at a time. Missed you just in the midnight group last night. I personally always read your posts and think it is great that you post as often as you like. It works for me.

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