[Monica1]

Thanks for your perspective on the other side of the coin on emotions. Yes, you are right as my stomach pain has returned which I expect reveals the extent of my anger that is trapped inside. i just received eleven enforcement notices from the moron bailiffs about the same thing. I emailed my housing association as they visited many weeks ago and have it actioned anything they said they would do to help. I metioned that I was interviewed for the film on universal credit this week and I discussed their visit. So I wonder if that will have any impact on shifting them into gear. Still not going to GA ’tis evening as I simply cannot face it. People’s pain is all so civilised, i.e. Three minutes to condense how you feel when all I want to do is scream and cry. And iam certainly not going to have a meltdown in public.

[Monica1]

Today is my eldest sons 36th birthday and I text him Happy Birthday. Pete gives me some Ted aker aftershave to give him. Yesterday I spent in bed all day and today. There is nothing to do and nowhere to go. I feel so frustrated and angry with everything I just cry. Bailey,the dog claws stay bedroom door trying to open it. He. He may be the only creature in this universe right now who knows how I feel. I am doing the spiritual aspects in the steps for next week. How do I feel?

I feel that doing the steps just lingers the amount I sit in pain and I don’t see the benefit of doing them. We as human beings need to gain mastery over our emotions and not sit or wallow in them. I,am seriously questioning the benefit of GA.

I feel that God is an absent father who deserts his children when they in need. I don’t care for that aspect of him very much.

My Motivation is at an all time low. I know I can’t carry on like this but isn’t get myself out of it either.

I am not looking for advice on my thread so please don’t give it. I am where I am and this is how I have felt for the past two days. My sponsor said he will put money on my oyster card for the GA meeting this evening. But I really don’t want to go. For more of the same that amounts to a big fat nothing.

[Monica1]

Afraid my credit as a soon to be bankrupt is non existent!

I do agree with you about the consumerism though. I seem to feel this way a lot about Xmas. Maybe it is An age thing. But because we are similar in age Vera you inspire me that can still financially recover from this big mess!

[Monica1]

Vera has great wisdom JP. We have all been there. The emotions will,be up and down for a while. It is all part of the recovery process. Eventually they will even out. All of us have been to hell,and back with this addiction and geordie also has great wisdom as he fell a long way further down than any other cg I know, and is havng a good recovery. There are no magic wands and you can expect to be up and down for awhile. Can you take some time or leave from work? Get your supports in place. They will help you enormously.

[Monica1]

Hi all,
Did not post yesterday as to be quite honest was Quite depressed although I did manage the 40 minute bus journey to the council tax offices, something I have put off for three months. What was depressing me was that my current state of affairs will just continue or get worse. I am used to being quite lavish at xmas and now I have nothing. I have, if things continue as they are, no hope of buying any Xmas presents with fifty quid to last till third December. It is my eldest sons 36th birthday on the 17th November. I cannot afford anything. Today, I did the filming on behalf of Labour Futures on the universal credit system. It ended with being asked if I was in front of mrs may what would I say to her. I said that it was clear that her party and what the tories represent is a complete lack of social conscience and no heart, but we already knew that. I said that thanwhem, not if. We get a change of government that I would want a public enquiry into all the people who have been sanctioned and committed suicide, each and every one of them. I also said the same for those with incurable cancers who have had their disability cut, who have been deemed fit to work and passed shortly after. I met one yesterday with incurable cancer who had their benefit slashed. This is the uk we Iive in today. It is ugliness in extreme. Well. After that I went to my GA meeting and met with my sponsor to go through all the emotional issues both before and after gambling. It was a long list and made me feel very sad whilst I was writing it. Spiritual issues next, again a long list. Well, I live to fight another day by the grace of God and I hope that things shift for me soon.

[Monica1]

I am glad you went to see your GP jp and that your brother is providing you with support. GA does seem a long way for you which seems a shame. Other options are, of course, gamcare, who will provide you with counselling sessions. Views differ amongst CGs as to the efficacy of what gamcare provide. I personally am not a fan but it all depends on the counsellor you get at the end of the day so I would encourage you to go. You can also self refer to the national problem gambling clinic in south west London. I have been there too. Meanwhile keep posting or join the on line groups at Gordon moody here. Helps to keep the mind focussed on recovery.

[Monica1]

Happy to participate as I have a lot to say on the issue!

[Monica1]

Been invited to participate in a film this week on behalf of the Labour Party this week on the universal credit system. I will certainly come out guns blazing. Quite exciting….

[Monica1]

I haven’t felt like group past day or so but miss our chats with Laura too. Colon still aches a bit and passed some blood. As didn’t have any polyps expect the screaming must have meant they nicked something. But I am Ok, just a little sensitive in guts. I can actually feel energy moving around, really sensitive like that. Diaried step,change for this weekend. Will see what they say. I don’t rate these companies much even less citizens advice and you are right it is a script and in this I’ve one size definitely doesn’t fit all. I signed up to do nealsyard organic which is my Road if I do go bankrupt. Really, I was out of skincare products and trying them out now. My skin has suffered so much with all the stress but the rich frankinscence cream seems to help,with the dryness. The ritual,of the grand letter opening will happen towards the weekend. I can laugh about it which is a positive. I wrote reams on emotions yesterday for the Step,work and ignored 2 calls from the lady cg. I really can isolate myself sometimes but to be honest I am the type
of person who needs a lot of time alone. Even psychometric tests for work confirmed the same thing, I am quite sensitive and can go, into emotional overwhelm quite easily. Talk,soon idi. Wishing you all the best.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your posts. Havent posted today on day 90now nearly 91 as feeling a bit tired and achey which I guess is the meds working their way out of the system. Spent the day writing up quite a few pages on Step work about emotions to do,with gambling, depression etc. Wrote quite a lot. It is all a bit sad really. If I go bankrupt,idi I won’t be able to rent a flat as they do credit checks, but my son has said he would help with that. I still haven’t quite surfaced from the procedure, felt a lot better yesterday than today but not in pain, just aches in the colon area and my legs, which apparently is common due to the electrolyte imbalances caused by the prep and complete colon clear out. I came out of the Emma David discussion last night Laura as I felt somewhat awkward and found some of the content a little inappropriate in a forumfor recovering addicts. I am just being honest here.

[Monica1]

The banks have a special section meant to read

[Monica1]

Many of us have felt as you do. You are not too damaged to try. Personally, I would not tell your work. Work is a source of money. I still have no work so cmsider yourself,fortunate and over time have lost as much as you did. Go to see your doctor. Like A and E, however, there is not much they will be able to offer except to treat any depression. If the think you are suicidal as I was try will not give you medication. My Gp said servicesmfor CGs terrible in the uk, go to GA which I was already doing. If you really want to go all out to,recover try applying to,Gordon nobody for rehab. However, this is a lengthy programme and you will need to tell your,work. Get into addictions counselling. We all started this addiction,with underlying issues and depression was certainly part of it for me as I expect it will be for you too. Believe it or not, the. A ms are very aware of gambling addiction and some even have a special section that deals with it. It is the addiction of our times what with all the advertising on tv. Your work is a strength, take a couple of days off or a small amount t of sick leave and get services in place to support you. Hand over your next paycheck to a relative. Limit your access to funds. You can come back from this but you must really want to and be willing to do what it takes. There are no magic wands here, and it will take time to rebuild but you already have more than most. I have no one in my family for support. You have a job, you have family members who want to support you. You can do this. The feelings of numbness will go. Depression about the situation is normal, so expect that. Expect to feel your feelings when they come back. If I as an unemployed 59 year old woman who blew as much as you did can come back from this, so can you. Not easy but so worth it to regain back the huge amount of ourselves we lost through this insidious addiction.

[Monica1]

That was the word re ***** you as a friend?

[Monica1]

Yes, I do ***** you as a friend.i worked overseas on an island and the sea did wonderful things for me in every aspect of being. Everyone noticed. So that wasn’t perceived happiness but an improved quality of life. Havent had the second exam result yet which they had to do after abandoning the first bit. My children are getting me a vape for my birthday so will start the process then. Don’t want to tackle too much too soon.

[Monica1]

They was a really good post jonny. I just need to work on those 4 things you mention!

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