[Monica1]

I understand where you are at. You have more than me. I have no job and sometimes starve because of my gambling habit. You have your family supporting you. I do not. And I too have felt many times like ending my life. No amount of tough talk will help when we are depressed. Only loving support, that’s it. We just haveto make that decision to continue, even when a big part of us doesn’t want to any more. Because I can’t afford To go out of the door, I stay in bed a lot. You have more going for you than I do and you can make those baby steps. If I can you can. But believe me when I say that I know the space you are in really well. It won’t last forever and you will come out of it. You are so not alone with feeling the way you do

[Monica1]

Marilyn Lancelot is totally right about that. Will look her up. I agree with her because that is also my experience. I think an on line women’s group may be more beneficial than a face to face meeting.

[Monica1]

Yes, I have had my assessment for the gma women’s programme. I had a call from Andrea which I returned but did not get a call back. I think there definitely needs to be a separate programme for women, they come with a completely different set of problems and needs for which GA simply doesn’t fit. I have done GA almost twice a week for over three months now and I think I have formed the right view. I am not saying it is of no use, clearly it is and has been for me. But step 1 is a very long step and is full of self flagellation and someone with my Health issues and where my basic human needs are not met, it isn’t right.

[Monica1]

Idi, you never lecture so,don’t worry about that. I am getting it about GA. It is not an Ok environment for women problem gamblers. I am the only woman who goes consistently. Women have come and gone. I agree with you. I have reflected on it today. I definitely do not go with the character flaws so never will go beyond step three. How,I see myself is as someone who had a very hard time with a good life pre cancer and never recovered. Gambling was my suicide as I am so against doing it physically but completely understand people who do get to that point of despair. It has nothing whatsoever to do with character flaws. I think that is garbage and can’t go with it. MAy fit the arrogant male but the females are far from arrogant. Quite the opposite. I think the right services for women are not yet there.
Your idea about having a plan of hope and recovery is brilliant. I wrote a schedule of things to do in the week. It is still not too energetic as my energy levels are t right not surprisingly. I am going to see if I can go to my daughters the tail end of next week, it is my birthday on the 27th. If I carry on with the steps i will have a breakdown. GA is outdated, very much so developed by pious men for men. They would probably call us fallen women. I have always led a spiritual life. Just that life took a big dive, and i did t recover. Love your idea idi.

[Monica1]

Yes, Pete had asked me to do the washing up yesterday but as you know I was in a state of distress. I said to him just now that I was very distressed and didn’t do it. Yesterday he was ok with it, today he is not and just said don’t think you are the only one who’s upset and he views me as selfish ie indulging in my distress. I sort of give up. Not much I can do about any of this. My sons don’t need me ringing up every five minutes, we are fortunate with the eldest if it Is once a fortnight. I actually do t expect anyone to understand how it feels to have crossed the boundary into this self destructive addiction and then to really struggle to find the way back to who I was, which has gone now for ever, I think. Only fellow addicts in recovery. But I do feel,not for the first time, a wrongnessin GA, particularly for women escape gamblers.I don’t sign up to the character defects, which most of the population has. Since when has being very sensitive and losing ones faith been a character defect. I see them as quite natural things. I am sure my faith will return in spiritual renewal at some point. But not there yet. One of the things about me is I am a spiritual seeker of truth. The truth about GA being a woman in it reveals the lack of safety in doing the steps and in some of the interactions. I am going to reflect on this. When I am told you are doing well, my first thought is ‘who taught you to say that platitude? I actually am not doing well the process has put me into emotional overwhelm so I see it a bit as the tools,of recovery are in the wrong unprofessional hands. I don’t think my sponsor, who I like very much, at early thirties, can understand how it feels at sixty in a week or sos timeand to have lived the life I have. I dont think many would understand anyway prattling on, but better than being in emotional overwhelm!

[Monica1]

Such a lovely post and thank you. I have just recently woken up to the doorbell. But they went away, either debt collectors or bailiffs. I have massive bags under my eyes, the sort of bags you get from excessive crying. I have woken with the realisation that the Step work I am doing is unleashing some powerful emotions and I do not feel safe with that. You are right in what you are saying Laura. I am going to look up some techniques for safe emotional release. I need to be in a space where I can feel some positive feelings and plan to move forward. With this emotional overwhelm and self flagellation the steps seem to evoke I do not think that is possible. I feel calmer today as I awake but also feel as if I have been through the emotional wringer. Enough is enough. The step this week is the spiritual aspects hence my rage wIth God surfaces, and it is a very angry rage. I cannot deny it is there. I do not see God as a friend or ally because aside from this site, I have no support. I come from a family and generation where particularly for the females anger is not expressed And stuffed down or expressed calmly. Maybe not that healthy. I am not going to give this addiction the satisfaction of a nervous breakdown…! You are right when you say that it isn’t fair to go this alone while others ignore or are oblivious to my distress. Sleep walking springs to mind. It isn’t fair but then life isn’t fair it would seem. Whoever really thinks that it is? I have a big sense of justice in things, always have had, but life sort of doesn’t. When we are down sometimes we are kicked harder. I don’t understand why this is, some type of primal universal survival of the fittest maybe. No wonder I want to isolate and opt out of it all. It all seems quite cruel.

[Monica1]

Yes, it does help, particularly when there is no one else in your life who is able to provide any support. I have had tears running down my face now for many hours, since Six pm, just rolling down not sobs, just silently weeping. am exhausted and will try and get some sleep now. Thanks for burning the midnight oil again with me Vera. It is hard to,surrender when you see surrendering to more of the same personal hell of a life, and there is absolutely nothing you can do the change it. Even Jesus was on the cross for a short while, and not 96 days now. Night Vera.

[Monica1]

There is only so much pain we can take Vera. Believe me when I say that there is far much more anger than fear. And God forsook his only son. Nice fatherly behaviour. I am going to stop now before I blaspheme and offend someone. As ever, I thank you and idi, finding Laura for your consistent care. this is really hard.

[Monica1]

In my life I have had numerous dark nights of the soul. I have been spiritual all my life except for now. . The difference is that never have i been so angry and hateful towards God. The anger is all towards him. I am done withthe anger and blame with myself. Whatever test it maybe I have failed it. He is abusive in his absence, ignorance and lack of care. He breaks my heart and I hate him for that.

[Monica1]

Thanks for your care. This has nothing to do really with emotions post gambling. It has everything to do with feeling abandoned by life itself. My stomach hurts probably wth all the anger I am feeling. I mean, the real issue is we pray and talk to God. If he was a human beingand ignored us and left us in pain for as long as he does, would we want to know him? I certainly wouldn’t. It would just be another emotionally abusive relationship. I gave those up and I am giving up on him. He won’t help me, no one can. And I can’t come to group when I feel like this.

[Monica1]

Pete can see how distressed I am. He ignores it, cooks some tinned hot dogs and mash and says go help yourself to whats left. Does anyone know how it feels to have no one or nothing to,turn to cos no one in my family or Pete knows or cares to know how to deal with someone in distress? Everything thst is spoken about recovery is gobshite. It sucks, my life sucks and I don’t want to live it any more. I have had enough of platitudes. I just want something positive to happen that moves things forward instead of this purgatory existence. And you know what nothing happens. I am just stuck in this hell of nothing.

[Monica1]

If I had a pound for every times someone said this too shall pass I would be rich by now… tenth g is nothingis changing, itis all getting worse, and if making progress means I just want to end my life because this too has not passed. It all ends up becoming trite meaningless words for a situation that is completely,without hope. It is day ninetyfive and iam still in a shit storm. Hive coml,etelyhad enough, God is a good listener, hah, speaking to,the door would get more response. And yes,I am bloody angry, really angry and at the end of my tether with it all. I refuse to pray to something that isnt there and even if it is doesn’t give a flŷing shit about me.

[Monica1]

Rubbish. God can do anything and he chooses not to.

[Monica1]

My,sponsor’is training to be a counsellor but I accept he should not be doing any counselling. He isn’t really, just commenting on what I have written in the steps. I just rang the bailiffs and they said they want a minimum of 10 pounds a week which is ridiculous. I told them to go f themselves and stop exploiting vulnerable people. They also said they will keep on at me until I am declared bankrupt. Whilst I was feeling so terrible, the grand letter opening ritual commenced and i have opened them all. Bailiffs and debt collectors plus one from a gas supplier who says I owe the money when I don’t have gas. I enquired once about changing electricity supplier. If anything can drive you to suicide it is this. Will call Step change in the morning. This all has to stop.

[Monica1]

Pete has taken BAiley out and dont expect them back anytime soon. Emotions trapped in the body causes us to get unwell. I kind of know that but still don’t know how to release it except for crying or talking about it. I am always so level headed though when I talk about it. When my sponsor asks me how I feel when I talk about it, i.e. What I he written on a particular step, I just say it is what it is and feel,quite detached from it i.e. Mastery over an emotion. It is just all too confusing. I think you are right though. Get these ugly people off my back and I may or may not start to feel better. Getting the. off my back equals bankruptcy and that causes bigger problems for me. So I am totally screwed one way or the other. No magic wands and no easy solutions. No source of spiritual help,either. I have stopped praying as it is just pointless. God must be having a right laugh at us praying to him and all we get is nothing, absence, not even a sense of inner peace. It makes me so angry. Faith should never be blind faith cos that is stupid.

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