[Monday]

Every time I go to a casino, I win. While it may not be a windfall, it can range from $20 to a couple of hundred bucks and every time I do the math I think “Now if I left with 20 bucks a day, that’s $600! a month!” But…of course, I don’t leave. I gamble until I’ve lost what I won, and then on and on until I’ve lost what I’ve brought and — if I have my bank card with me — until I’ve lost what I’ve withdrawn (in a futile attempt to get it all back). Surely, the story is the same for most everyone. Surely, the sense of SELF-LOATHING is the same as we drive away from the casino wondering what the f*ck we were thinking??? Now I am truly at my rope’s end. I am months behind on my house payment and have disconnection notices from the utilities companies. The irony of what I did today is that I got a check for $345 in the mail for damage to my vehicle’s roof rack that a casino’s parking lot gate caused!!! The insurance company sent me $345! What did I do? Instead of paying the $340 monthly loan payment (one of several) on my grandfather’s ring that I pawned (not related to gambling), I went to the casino. This morning another $359 was withdrawn from my checking account on a pay-day loan that I got for $1600 back in August!!! I hate myself. I hate what I have become. I hate who I have become. Insanity IS doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. I go to the casino thinking that I am strong enough to leave after I win — and I NEVER do. I work hard and I throw my money away. I don’t know how I am going to get myself out of this downward spiral. My finances are A MESS. I am so far behind on everything that I just turned the volume off on my land line so I don’t hear it ring constantly with all the debt collectors calling for their monthly payments. I really just have my dog to live for. If it weren’t for him, I’d jump ship. What’s the point of it all?

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