[Miss Juggles]

You are right Vera – at the moment the balance isn’t right ! At various points throughout the relationship the balance of responsibility has swung back and forth and we’ve managed. Recent months have involved huge upheaval – I only went back to work in sept after maternity leave, he had a period of significant illness (which I now know was stress due to the gambling). Other times he’s been there for me – we’ve hit this point where we’re both in this awful place and energy is low on both sides.

Family therapy is a good suggestion – will look into what is available!

Thank you for being there – just knowing that someone is hearing me makes such as a difference x

[Miss Juggles]

So last night I got home work and completely flipped out! The smallest things are tipping me over the edge! I’m so tired of clearing up mess (actual and metaphorical) – I work long hours in a mentally stressful job and just started to feel like life would be so much simpler if it were just me & my daughter! imagine – a life without debt and addiction, coming home to a clean and orderly home, having to look after just me & my girl, no lies or deceit – it sounds great!

I am lucky enough to have a decent enough job that would allow me to stand alone so that isn’t the barrier to a simple life dream. It’s love, worry for him, love and concern for my stepson etc etc!

There’s just more and more crap adding to my ever growing list of stuff to deal with and I feel like I’m so close to breaking point! The stuff that doesn’t normally stress me (e.g keeping on top of household chores) is literally bringing me to my knees and triggering huge meltdowns! In the meantime my CG is carrying on as normal, not really taking responsibility but relying on me to come up with the plans, sort family finances, childcare, household chores, support him in recovery and try and keep myself sane!

Sorry for the long rant – just feeling like I’ve pulled the short straw. I’m trying to get my head straight and decide what I want for me and my daughter which is hard going on very little sleep & high anxiety!

[Miss Juggles]

Thank you Vera! The secrecy issue is one that is really dragging me down at the moment and I feel so isolated. I am working on him to get him to open up to a select few to allow me to get the support I need! It’s really draining trying to keep up the pretence that all is well when I feeling I’m drowning inside! I am finding it difficult to detach myself emotionally from the situation – selfishly it keeps coming back to ‘what about me’! The worrying thing is that he doesn’t see that accruing that level of debt will impact on me – he keeps saying its money we never had and he’s never stolen from me or the household budget! The reality for me – and I’ve explained this to him – is that I’m responsible for picking up the tab on household bills whilst he sorts this out, I have to deal with the Instabilty that his actions have created, it’s down to me to make the choices of shoes / clothes for the kids over other things and the one that hurts the most is that financially I’ll be unlikely to afford to have another child (I’m fast approaching 40 & it’s gonna take years to sort this mess out).

I have taken advice on securing my personal finances, protecting my own position and I’m desparately trying not to be a victim or enabler. I love him dearly but it’s not going to be easy to move forward!

On a positive note – that you for sharing your thoughts and experiences & letting me know there is hope!

[Miss Juggles]

Thank you velvet – I feel like I need some space to vent as the last few weeks have been all consuming with little else to think about other than trying to find ways clearing up the mess. Having been sworn to secrecy due to fiancé feeling highly ashamed and embarrassed over his actions I’m feeling like I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Whilst I have given him a fair share of grief and spelled out the consequences of his behaviour for me and our family I feel I’m treading a fine line between providing motivation to abstain from gambling (he says it’s been a month now) and becoming a trigger or an excuse for a lapse! We’ve managed a lengthy and emotional conversation about his CG and so far he’s agreed to all my ‘practical’ requests (taking on his finances, locking down the internet access, swapping the smartphone for a basic model, monitoring his credit file …. the list goes on). I do believe he’s committed to building a future gambling free however I don’t want to have to police his every move forever and a day and worry about the impact assuming this role will have on balance in the relationship. I know things are still pretty raw at the moment and the emotional baggage surrounding the lies and betrayal are yet to be fully realised& I suppose the approach at this stage should be to take one day at a time but I can’t help feeling robbed of the future we had planned and the future I’ve been working to secure for us! Apols for the long ramblings but it does feel better to write down some of these issues rather than letting the feelings of resentment build further!

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