[michelle45]

Hi velvet

Thanks for your kind and thoughtful words as always.

My daughter did have a lovely weekend thank you and I hope a bit oblivious to the chaos her father tries to create. I wonder do you have any thoughts on how I might deal with difficult situations for example:

My CG has little impact on my life now apart from times he is supposed to see our daughter. He is often late and still makes very little time for her probably about 3 hours a week. On Friday when it was our daughters birthday he was 2 hours late. He rang her to wish her a happy birthday and told her he would see her. She was very excited and kept looking at thecwindow. He then became really angry saying he was important in her life too when I reminded him we had to be back for 4 Pm due to other plans I had made of which he was aware . when I called to chase him as he was late he then said he wasn’t coming. I resorted to pleading which I have not been doing just because I couldn’t believe he could be so cruel to her. He did eventually come but in an angry mood. Saying he wanted to take her out on his own. We eventually agreed i was going too!! ( i was too worried about his mood).when we were out he said he was leaving after about 20 mins as we were in separate cars!! (He refused to get in mine although a lift was offered).My daughter spotted him trying to leave the park and she cran after him and so he stayed. Its all so ridiculous.

I’m thinking in future try to avoid him speaking to her on the phone to tell her anything and then when he phones to back down it has no impact on her. It has even stopped making me so angry only perhaps weary. My daughter is still very excited to see her dad and when he is not wrapped in his own self pity or anger he is lovely with her. These glimmers seem to be getting less and less though. I now recall when ever I tried to rely on him to sit when I was going out he would often gamble then do the ‘I’m not coming back now ‘ self pity card. Which I would usually fall for usually because I just wanted a break!!! So I would say oh go on we can sort this out and he would come. I do see his behaviour hasn’t changed only maybe mine has a little.

I suppose the only way he can have any impact on her /my life. is by causing chaos. I can only perhaps relate to a child having a tantrum?

I think I just need to try and speak to him weekly to try and set some plans in place but there seems little I can do if he fails to keep them. He priority seems to be work and then cutting grass after work and weekends for cash. There is no end to his stream of income so no stop to gambling.

I’m far less emotional when our daughter asks for dad. Its usually at bed time when she’s tired. She is usually distracted I realise but I’m getting weary of the chaos he tries to create. I keep saying about turning up on time but he knows how desperate I am that our daughter is o.k so I suppose he is seeing how far he can push things. His selfishness and cruelty to our daughter is a wonder to me but its for him to come to terms with if he ever is able to.

I have now even managed to tell a friend I have been avoiding speaking to properly for months as I didn’t want to say we had split again. But I did the more a statement of fact and it was better for me. She seemed a little annoyed I hadn’t said but had guessed anyhow. Maybe because I left it till just before my daughters birthday party on Saturday as I knew she would ask where my CG was. He choose not to come. I said little about this . in the past I would have pleaded. Keeping up appearances and all that. Again how irrelevant that now seems!

Anyhow just a few thoughts I have. I would be grateful for any of yours as always.

Kind regards

M

[michelle45]

Thanks for your advice. Not yet! I was worried about this and even said about going out with them as its her bday my reasoning being she won’t be left anywhere as its my day off too.. (He doesn,t know my reasoning) I was worried about saying something in case he got angry and stormed off leaving her upset on her bday?

[michelle45]

Thanks so much to take the time to write such a thoughtful and personal response. I was feeling very weary the last few days but your words show such empathy . I finding difficult to express how grateful I am. I keep reading over your posts and find such comfort in your words.

Your words somehow give me courage not to lash out in anger and frustration. I’m trying to take control and not make emotional decisions. I have been reading this advice for years but wonder why its so difficult to do? In black and white living with a CG seems straightforward but its a minefield!! Not blaming myself and going over things is so hard to do!! Although I do know logically this is the case.

Your advice seems very spot on.I have read virtually everything there is on the net about how you should act when splitting with a partner and you have young children. None of it applies when one party is a CG gambler though and my biggest stress has been the effect on her!! I have thought about situations in the past and when I do not respond as expected with anger or challenge or with a reminder of his responsibilities as a father and it does have a much more positive impact as you have suggested. Its so hard to do though. As it seems ridiculous that a cg adult behaves like a child. You see an adult but are trying to rationalise that they are behaving like a child!!

I will bide my time with contact and maintenance issues. I’m unsure yet and usually respond emotionally and with regret even after many years of dealing with the addiction. When I take a step back I think how strange that I had not realised that I have also been doing the same things for years??? I think that is because of my focus on him. I now get the advice is to look after yourself. I feel a bit silly that its taken so long to grasp!

I believe tonight I will survive this misery and so will my daughter. That is due to your advice and encouragement. Our paths just may be different to what I thought.

I will keep on trying to think and not react to the words of his addiction. I find this immensely difficult to do. But now I find a place I can be honest about it it somehow becomes easier.

I feel much lighter tonight. Thank you.

[michelle45]

Morning

I wanted to add and express how much he seems to despise me as I don’t think it comes out in my post. I make all the contact he usually ignores any call or request to see our daughter unless I push. I do it for her as she really upset although my insict is to leave him until or if he is ever ready. Oddly it was me who pushed getting back together before because I think I’d forgotten how bad things get and we had been doing things more as a family. I just get fed up of taking all the responsibility.

I have sought legal advice and there is little I can do to force contact . should I tell him I have sought legal advice. Should I also just seek maintenance via CSA. ? I believe he needs to take responsibility for paying for his daughter but in reality know this will mean nothing if he gambles. He will just loose his job so is it worth it. I keep pushing for regular contact for stability for our daughter and me but he won’t agree to it because of ‘work’ he says which is just an excuse. He seems to relish in making things as difficult as possible. His pattern is to gamble and run away to mothers in anger and not come back even for a few days before this. I would then get a text saying ‘i’ll me and get my stuff’. I took it all over this time to take control. If if I ever try and talk to him all I get is’im moving on now’. . His friends will not even know he has left again. He is not even showing the slightest bit of remorse.!!

I didn’t want to give the impression he is desperate to come back. He clearly isn’t. Seems happy when I see him barely sees our daughter then makes plans to go out with a friend drinking so I will get her early. But has no money to give me for maintenance? I prefer to get her. I worry he will leave her in the car and go gambling if the urge takes him.

Its just a mess. I can’t see he will ever take control of his responsibilities but don’t know what I should do re maintenance .

Thanks for reading!!!

[michelle45]

Thank you so much for your thoughtful post. We have been stuck in the same cycle for years. Including may separations the last one for over a year.

This is the first time I feel like there mat be a different way to do things. I have sort help but always felt confused? If I knew what to do differently then I would!!!

You have such insight that gives a different perspective. If he comes here he is less rude shall we say than when I take our daughter to his moms but I choose to leave here a lot of time for practical reasons. To go to shops etc. Generally you are right its because of the anger. You are also very spot on in that it changes nothing!!

I have never identified that his mothers involvement hinders rather naively. I couldn’t image ever having anything other than my daughters best interests at heart. She is my whole world , its my my job to assure her growth development and happiness so assume its so for everyone. How naive!! My own parents have passed away and I really miss my own mother particularly in such difficult times. For many years I struggled with the idea of the addition being an illness (my mother died of cancer) but I can see this more as time goes on but really struggle with the bad treatment of our daughter.

I tell our daughter daily daddy loves her very much and she will see him soon. I never say today because I know it will change. I have had text saying he can’t see her tomorrow as planned as he has no petrol. I would usually ignore this and ring in days asking when he would see her then ? He shouldn’t let her down etc. I have said OK this time she is good but would love to see him soon. I will see if there are ant developments . He generally thinks its OK to be rude to me if we have any contact at all.!!

I will try the helpline thanks. Many thanks for helping me see a different perspective. I need to think I am doing what I can . our daughter needs a father I can survive either way but she is worth so much more!!!

Kind regards Velvet

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