[michelle45]

Hi Mowglette

Twighlight has given you such great responses as she has done for me many times too. I just wanted you to know I understand how you feel. My ex a CG left myself and our daughter who was not 4 at the time after an argument about money. I think twighlight is correct in that your husband will be in contact and I would leave it to him. I do understand how difficult that can be.

I contacted my CG several times when he left and each time I didn’t get the result I wanted.

5 months on we are still seperated as my cg is still very actively gambling and i have used this site to help me gain insight and strength. Everyone ‘s situation is unique but this sight helps you understand much more about the addiction and you are not alone ( a big plus for me) . For me it is also a place that i can be honest and i had not been able to do that for many many years. You will gain a lot of support from people who do not judge and understand.

I hope you and your daughter have a lovely holiday. What an wonderful experience.

Take care

Michelle

[michelle45]

Twighlight and nomore thank you for taking the time to share your experiences. Your advice and honesty is invaluable and I really appreciate it.. I can also see how you have come out the other side!I can honestly say its only by using this site that I am finally starting to become ‘calmer’ and more at ease with myself. If im being completely honest i haven’t always liked to read and accept the points made by those who I just trying to help but when I take a step back that’s what I’m here for.!! Change is tough I do know that but there really is no alternative I also know that!

I have set an appointment this week with a charity that supports gamblers and those affected by it amongst other addictions. I have used them before but am aware much more with what I’m struggling with and that’s communication about our daughter. My CG is in an angry phase with me and he has seen our daughter this week but there is always a slight twist on the arrangements. For example instead of picking her up can i drop her to him; my lack of response then led to can I meet him half way and he will bring her back. So thats what happened. My daughter is so excited to see him and her words are straight away ‘ I love you and miss you daddy’ . my instinct to these requests is no but I still fear the impact on her and hoping to develop strategies to communicate. I have not called my CG for many weeks and left him to make contact to arrange to see our daughter and also not answered if he wants to speak to her as I don’t want this routine to be established and then he will let her down. It is a brief conversation over drop of that I try and establish an exact time of meeting next time and he is vague. He will let me know but if I have plans then that’s fine. I then repeat she needs consistentency and a time needs to be agreed. Again he will let me know we just go round in circles! I therefore called him although again i didn’t think this was a good idea but i dont know how to establish even the basic communication with him anymore. I said he needs to be consistent with her and have regular contact as this is what she needs. This gets me nowwhere . Lots of distraction statements that make no sense’ it’s not about me apparently for once in my life but our daughter’ and he would rather not speak to me’

How on earth do I communicate what our daughter needs. A phone call or face to face does not work. I need to try something new. Email? What is the point as communicating with a CG is not like communicating with others. You usually get some relevant feedback not a strop. I can only ever understand my CG behaviour by likening it to that of a child !

I do not encourage contact. I understand it must come from my CG but he still doesn’t seem to make our daughter priority. I am presently not comfortable with saying no contact as I’m worried about long term impact on our daughter.

So how on earth do you communicate important messages to a CG??

Thanks
M x

[michelle45]

Hi nomore and jenny. Thanks again for sharing your experiences.

Nomore your journey has been such a difficult one. Your post made me cry and I can relate so much to your post. My ex has an older daughter who was part of our lives and is not anymore . Again my daughter want to know where her sister has gone. I never got to the bottom of the breakdown of that relationship but his daughter was part if our lives for years. She is now a teenager doing her own thing but the addiction has also caused damage to that relationship.

Nomore I think what a lovely woman you are! I’m glad you are in a position where both you and your CG are in control of your lives.

Jenny thank you for sharing your experiences. Its so kind to offer your advice when you have come out the other side. Again you are so kind and show such insight. Even at 4 my daughter wants to know where her dad is. I try and offer a distraction or simple answer to her. I will be mindful of not lying. I have had enough of lying.!!

It is so hard to do but because I can read others experiences I can see it is imperative!

Thanks again for taking the time to help.

Regards
Mx

[michelle45]

Thank you for your responses jenny and velvet. You both write with such empathy that I am always in tears. Tears of relief I think. Jenny your journey has been tough yet here you are helping others with words that make such sense. Velvet I remember months before posting reading your posts to others and thinking how eloquent your words were but how little I felt I understood them or how little they seemed to apply to me.

I now feel completely differently. I feel better informed about my CG addiction than ever before but it is such a different way of reacting that I have doubts. By taking a step back I am starting to see how manipulative my CG can be. He has had little contact in recent weeks since his ‘ I have got no money for maintenance or holiday message’ . This is down to little response from me. I realise now the big part of I have perhaps unwittingly played in his addiction. How much I was letting it also control me.

Well that is past and no more. Two messages that are really sticking in my mind are from the group a few weeks ago. Jenny the advice you had received and shared about your ex he will always lie for his own purpose as part of his addiction but you do not have to ( I hope my interpretation is correct!) .Velvet your comment that you have to want things to change enough for you to actually do it.

I do not want to live a lie and hence changing is what Im striving for. Posting on here really helps me believe I have the confidence to help my daughter deal with her dads addiction. I cannot protect her from the truth and its just hard to accept. Her upset is painful. It is so true that CG is a family problem. I am however trying to minimise the damage. In answering your question velvet I probably do tense when she mentions her dad. I get anxious that she will be upset. I suppose if I’m more matter of fact and accepting of the situation she will be.

I have used the counselling service before. It is worth a try but i have contacted other agencies before that i felt were not able to offer me the support that i wanted. This site and your responses in contrast have have helped me so much. I would never have had the courage to take step back from my CG without this site. I would have doubted myself too much. I perhaps didn’t realise how much I have lost of myself. But protecting my daughter as much as possible is my goal. After all I will only have her to answer to in years to come.

Anyway thank you both for taking the time to write such a personal response. As always I feel better. It is so difficult. I make many mistakes with my daughter ( in general and about my CG!!) . If I keep going I hope I will get there like you both have!

Many thanks

M x

[michelle45]

Thank you for all your support and good advice velvet jenny and Vera. It is really interesting to read your posts and how positive and well you are doing. Your input is very much appreciated.

I find it takes me time to read, process and then act on good advice. Things take much longer to deal with than I appreciated. I have always been in a rush to make my CG better I suppose .

He is continuing to do what he wants. Have heard very little from him. There is no set pattern for him to see our daughter. He saw her in the week this week but She has been upset a few times about him since. I put this down to the uncertainty of his contact. I’ve decided that this is not good for her at all. I’m just unsure how to deal with it. I’m finally getting to grips with what a boundary means. I have really struggled with understanding this because I suppose I didn’t know what I wanted .

I feel like I have all the advice and need to take action. I mean this as be clear what I want and what is acceptable for her. I am not requesting visits for her. I need to now get help on my strategies for coping if he stops seeing her all together. She keeps talking about him a lot drawing pictures and been a bit attention seeking at nursery. She is 4 and about to leave nursery and start school so it is a time for change for her. I was very upset and angry about this on friday and upon advice from harry on the helpline ive contactacted a local support group for counseling. I’m getting a bit worried about her and not sure what to do. I feel I need to tell my CG the impact of his irresponsible behaviour is having on her but again don’t know how to. There is little point setting up a plan if he doesn’t stick to it. Its just can I live with myself if I tell him not to see her unless he has taking steps to control his addiction. ? I know only I can answer this and I don’t want to make an emotional decision.

With school holidays coming up I have got some lovely things planned with her. A weekend away next weekend and then our holiday in a few weeks. My friend and family with young children are joining us so I know we will have a great time. A much better option than holidaying with the anxiety an active cg brings.

At the moment I not feel very well equipped to deal with my daughters upset unfortunately. I am keeping her busy and looking forward rather than hovering around for the first time in a while. All that is good but I need to be confident I am doing things the right way for my daughter.

Thanks as always

M

[michelle45]

I see velvet has already replied to you. She will help you a lot on here but I wanted you to know that as I read your post I had the strangest feeling as it could have been written by me.!

I am seperated from my CG and we have a 4 year old daughter. My CG addiction is very active and he is not doing anything about it.

I completely understand what you have written especially in relation to your son. I have been using this site for months now and wanted you to know I have received compassion and undertanding and good advice to help me deal with all my issues.

I just wanted to say ‘hi’ and to let you know I do understand!!!

Regards

Michelle

[michelle45]

Hi Vera, Nomore and Velvet

Thank you very much for taking the time to reply. It is great to hear other peoples views, including that of a CG gambler Vera. I have read and reread them all and it gives me many things to think about. I am gaining different perspectives on my CG behaviour. Things that wouldn’t haven’t even occurred to me. Much food for thought to help me navigate through this extremely confusing time!!

Thanks again

M

[michelle45]

Hi

Thanks very much nomore, jenny and as always velvet. It really helps to get other peoples views. Its so good to be able to come somewhere and be honest and not feel shame. I have felt embarrassed and shame over many years for many things I have done or reacted to. This helps me gain more perspective and not feel so alone. Its a very difficult process. I have underestimated the addiction for so long and I think I realise I want things to change but struggle and its slow. I do feel I’m getting a bit stronger sometimes although I make many mistakes .

My CG has messed our daughter about this weekend. He arranged to see her at one. I had a text saying it would be half one. He does work on Saturday. By three he hadnt showed. I didn’t chase him made alternative arrangements for me and my daughter to meet family at a local fete and go for a meal. He then turned up about 3.30. I was angry at his complete lack at consideration tried to control it but the atmosphere was very tense and he saw our daughter for about 10 mins as I said we were going out. She could pick up on the atmosphere and was a bit upset. I told him not to turn up for 10 mins as it upset her. He did apologise then several times and it was left OK (although I was internally raging). He asked if he could see her today. I agreed in the afternoon as we had plans this morning.

He hadnt’ showed at the agreed time and I couldn’t help myself but ring a few times and then message just asking if he was still seeing our daughter? Luckily he didnt answer the phone and his response was to ‘to do my own thing’. I replied OK and we did. We have had a busy weekend and my daughter is happy!

I now have received a message saying
‘ he cannot afford the holiday or cover his DDS (one of which is maintenance to me) he is overdrawn and has no money. Maybe I should make alternative arrangements’

He gets paid monthly and was paid on friday. The holiday and making alternative arrangements is no big thing to me as I had already paid it but he doesnt know that. I am financially independent so his lack of maintenance isn’t devastating for me. Oddly he is proud of his daughter and its important to him to contribute financially when he is more controlled with his gambling. For example if I tell him I have got something for her (she starts school in September so I have bought uniform) he asks how much and will give me the money).( It is not my intention to get money off him for things its just as part of the conversation about and she likes to show him things . i wonder if he thinks its about money? ,- who knows). He has obviously thought about what to put as his message is quite coherent. It is not the ranting of someone who has just blown all their money. There is no apology as its all about him.

Ihaven’t responded yet and am not quite sure how to. I am thinking I could use this as an apportunity to suggest he gets support for his gambling. ? He is obviously at one of his lows but he has hit lows many times before. I have had messages in the past saying he couldn’t afford holidays. I think in the past I ,helped out, by lending money to overcome the latest crisis. I have a feeling if I respond I might be ignored unless its with the offer of some money ( I will not be doing that. I am certain of my boundary there!)

I would be grateful for any advice.

Thanks v much

M

[michelle45]

After my lost post I have been a mix of emotions as I know I have enabled and need to stop going over it. I have done it. Its gone and I want to develop firmer boundaries for myself so I am less receptive in future.

After my CG last rant I assumed I wouldn’t hear from in. This turned out not to be the case.I decided I would pay the balance left on the family holiday . I had the following conversations in my head:

_ I would take may daughter away in August (its a caravan) irrespective of what CG was doing.it was a shame to waste it
_ I can show CG I can do things without him ( I do this anyway!!)

But also

I should let the deadline for payment and reminders telephone calls pass. I need to book something different. It would be better for me. Its giving the wrong message to CG.

Well I paid the balance. !!

To my surprise CG was in touch to see our daughter that weekend. Also to my surprise he mentioned holiday. I didn’t tell him I had already paid it . I was surprised by the conversation. He asked if I could pay the balance and he would pay me back in 2 installments when he got paid. Its a couple of hundred pounds left. He had paid some of the balance previously. I agreed!!!

To put this in context when we have been seperated previously we have gone on family holidays and remained separate. I have also replaced CG with friends on holidays when his gambling appears more frenzied and I believe he will let us down.

Now just because he says he will pay I know this doesn’t mean it will happen or he might have no money to go. I will go anyway. But I have been dishonest and made it easy for him. I know he was using the holiday as an excuse to gamble. I am giving the message this is acceptable. I am also saying he can do as he wishes and its OK with me!!

I feel uncomfortable and disappointed in myself. I have not changed anything!!

I am clear on my boundaries for enablement when its direct. This is clever. Now I think he wants to pay for the holiday. He does like to buy things and treat our daughter. But cannot keep it up indefinitely because of his addiction. I know this . He has paid maintenance too over the months we have seperated. But he is a complete mix of messages (as it appears i am)But I have enabled.

I don’t really know how to deal with situation. In my fantasy we go on a happy family holiday together.in reality I have enabled.

This has been going around in my head for a week. I felt too ashamed at first to admit what i have done (is this how cg feel all the time?)I have distracted myself because I have been very busy at work but am hoping posting will help me work through it.
Thanks in anticipation of any comments!!

M

[michelle45]

After commenting on enablement yesterday in the topic forum my words were put to the test tonight. Thank you for responding Tania I have read your threads and can see many things mirrored in my own life.!

My ex CG rang tonight to say he wouldn’t b seeing our daughter the weekend as planned he had no petrol and no money and 2 weeks until pay day. He has not done this for many weeks. His gambling had settled down he was doing as he should . he has been paying maintenace and extra and buying things for iur daughter for a good few weeks. But his gambling behaviour always follows the same pattern. Intense then slows. Anyway he said he wouldnt be seeing her and if there was a problem with our daughter to let him know. ! He had obviously just gambled any money he had and was looking for someone (me) to blame. I now recognise this and TRY not to get drawn in. It takes such strength of will power !!!

My reply was of the lines well your stuck in a cycle with ur gambling and if you want to change you know where we are. You have been gamble free before. This turned into a bit of a tirade from CG then. We both need to move on don’t contact him or his mom( I have remained on friendly terms with her he lives with her ) we are different he won’t b controlled . i think this is as a result of me letting slip almost last week that i loved him. We have been seperated for months. He has behaved badly and so i surprised myself too with the comment. He commented that his gambling had been worse this week. He had previously not mentioned gambling once since our split. He also said he wanted to pay the balance on a holiday that had been booked before we split and had been gambling to get the money together ( another familiar story)He is using both things as an excuse to gamble more. He threw in could I lend him £5 for (beer) cans!!!! . he hasn’t asked me for money at all in the period we seperated! He appears to be at a bit of a low but with only two weeks to pay day he will see hope (money) on the horizon I said no! His mother would usually always oblige in these situations so he had either had nmoney from her gambled it and didnt want to ask for more. Or She has said no ( just for tonight though) as she is fed up ( just for tonight) she has enabled him for many years.

I suspect he will not contact me about our daughter and then try to blame me because I wouldn’t lend him £5 .( a new game maybe. Not one usually played by my cg? )now he would have to drive 15 Miles with no petrol for 5 Pounds.? I think we all know it would have ended up being more!! In the past I have enabled but had also stopped this behaviour for months before we split again.

Anyhow the point of my writing all this is so I don’t get angry pick up the phone and respond as he intends I’m sure because then I can be manipulated! Am I slowly starting to get this after 10 years!! I was initially upset by it all but that has passed quite quickly. I don’t feel devasted that he is threatening not to see her as I did a few months ago. I can generally distract her . I can find things to do the weekend and it will soon be the start of the week when she is busy at nursery!! What sort of frame of mind is he in anyway. Not one to indulge and show unconditional love and fun to a 4 Year old!!!

I am hoping I will continue to feel positive that I have done the right thing. It is really a minefield . I am starting to see that it is only going to be me removing myself from the situation that will improve things for me and my daughter. He stormed off the end of Feb and wouldn’t see our daughter for weeks. We are now mid June. Same behaviour different month.

My CG is truly stuck in a cycle as I have witnessed and I have played a part in theses behaviours in previous splits. I’m now trying to limit my part!!

Anyhow bit of a lengthy post. I want to be able to read this again and see how ridiculous and selfish his addictive behaviour is.

Thanks if you have read. I am making bigger strides to letting go I hope!

M

[michelle45]

Thanks for your encouraging words Velvet and seeing the positive in everything I write. That takes some doing!! I notice twighlight has done this in her posts too. I hope this is how I will begin to sound at some future point!!

Your post did make me feel better. I do sometimes feel that I do not do things as they should be done and am constantly swimming in the dark. Although I notice when I’m doing things for myself the feeling subsides. Its when I’m trying to second guess my CG or start worrying I’ve done something or said something that I shouldn’t I become upset. It highlights the pointlessness of this I suppose. I do appreciate what you are saying about my CG. We have a better civil relationship at the moment. I am much more at ease with this. I do not like conflict!I do wonder however if he is really phased if im angry at all. It gives him an excuse to gamble and feel sorry for himself I assume. Although he doesn’t need any excuse. Things have calmed down on the gambling front at the moment. He appears to function in reality. Although I will stress appears as his reality is nowhere close to mine!

I have had a lovely day with my daughter and friends. We are both shattered. I have plans for the weekend and feel positive today. Thanks again!!

Kind regards
M x

[michelle45]

Hi Twighlight

I am striving to be strong. It is constantly difficult but Is find if I can distract myself I am not putting myself in positions where I become vulnerable.

My CG is in a period where is gambling is less active I suspect as he has money to spend on our daughter when we spent some family time together. This is where it becomes more difficult for me as I see less CG but more of the person and although I know this doesn’t help me as its more painful in the long term and I need to be strong for my daughter. His addiction has just settled a while and he thinks of other things . it will return.

Its been half term so more time to fill and more time to think. I am better when im at work as my life is more structured. I am planning more with friends and try to keep busy.

I keep telling myself do not react for the next time I get annoyed when my CG doesn’t do as he says. Its easy to forget how truly awful it is when things go quiet? It often does with my CG but I do know my resolve will get tested at some point. I do not enable with money but worry that I do with my attitude towards him now. I do not mention the prior months when he failed to take steps to see our daughter and I’ve done all the encouraging until recently.I’d constantly like to remind him of this but choose not too. I suspect he has now forgotten all of that! We have spent some time together as a family and this is probably not wise for me.

I read your reflection and it hits home so much. I think i m struggling as I’m not angry. I’m so used to anger that its difficult to know what to feel when that dies down a little.

I have such alot to be thankful for . My daughter is very happy. She makes me very happy . I am very proud of her. I enjoy spending time with my friends and family. I know I just need to keep working on me to fill the emptiness in me. I don’t want to fill it again with a CG. Its very simple really. I often wonder why I keep struggling.

Thanks for your time again twilight and as always velvet.

Best wishes
M x

[michelle45]

Hi Twighlight

Thanks for taking time to write a response. I am sorry to hear of your father’s dementia. It must be a very difficult situation for you.

I have been thinking about your advice. My CG has seen our daughter over the weekend. I did not contact him about this. I will try not to do this. You are right about the attachment. I struggle to move on . I live in hope but do realise I need to continue doing things for me and my daughter. I do in the main. I’m good at practical things. I keep us busy but I do struggle emotionally. I’m sure many people do its tiring!!

My daughter is well. I understand your message.

Thank you

Best wishes to you and your family

M

[michelle45]

Hi twighlight

Thank you ver y much for taking the time to write to me. I am sobbing reading this. Luckily my daughter is oblivious eating dinner after a day at nursery and afterwards in the park!!

I have read so many of your posts and threads. Velvet has helped me so much on this site. I missed her forum this week I was out but her support has been amazing. She commented that she hoped you would see my thread so I am so grateful.

I have had an awful few days. I hate myself this week I’m not sure how to describe it but its like I kid myself the addiction doesn’t exist then somehow respond to situations that show it does. Leaving me exhausted.

You hit the nail on the head. Im spending my life hoping this will change when i cannot change it. I know all of this. But why then am i still trying to control him and his addiction?. I really don’t know why after almost 10 years of being aware of it. It makes me unhappy. I am aware I’m stuck in a cycle. I make good steps forward to break the cycle. I was doing well. And then ruin it all. Arguments and confrontations where I’m left feeling I’m unreasonable and to blame. I think I was being unreasonable to be honest but when i recognise and try to put things right im shut out leaving me devastated.

My ex has moved on. I don’t want to go into detail but I read some of his emails as he was still signed on my laptop..I feel devasted and hurt and rejected but why what am I chasing. ? You are correct I have been heartbroken many times. He always runs back to gambling and his mother.

My daughter is happy. He asked to take her away for the weekend and I went literally faint.I do not trust him to look after her in case he just decides to go gambling and leave her but not only that be in a mood with her because of some thing ridiculous . Se might feel insecure. He has barely seen her for months but won’t acknowledge this. In his mind I create reasons why he can’t see her! I’m evil and unreasonable . I have done nothing but constantly encourage his contact . I think I have been suffering from anxiety as I never know what will happen.! I made some excuse about the weekend saying we were. busy .He is furious and now refusing to see her again. I am not saying I was innocent in this. I argued with him and responded to him but I realise my mistakes and feel awful.

I have been so tempted to try and contact him today. For what I wonder more misery. I won’t. A day at a time!

I’m so glad I’ve come back on the site today. I feel better. I can only move forward and keep trying not to let the addiction in.

Thank you so much for reading and your advice. I know this deep down. Its like i indulge my fantasy of a happy family!!I. I thought from your posts that you now see your father? You sound very strong. I need to get there!!

I have been so engulfed In him again and know it just destroys me so why?

I need to remember what I’m dealing with. It really is devious.

I hope you and your family are well. I’m an adult. I need to protect my daughter. Thank you!!

[michelle45]

I have tried to remember this many times today. Having a bit of a difficult day trying to have courage but thanks for your kindness as always.

I’ll speak soon.
M x

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