[michelle45]

Hi velvet

Thanks for your advice as always. I have been mulling over his words and actions since the weekend ( which are both still positive at this point) and was just unsure how to proceed. It helps to post and get it out my head so I can deal with it.

I had never even considering suggesting GMA how strange. I don’t know why! The only reason the other support tools out there haven’t worked for my ex is because he has chosen not to use them effectively. He chose to attend a few counselling sessions. But i think it was mainly for my benefit.Just as I myself am seeking counseling and feel very happy with it now in the past I went and didn’t know what I wanted. Henc i felt dissatisfied. The only thing I’m clarifying in my own mind ist here is a difference between something not working for us because its not right and something not working because we don’t really give it chance to.

I think my ex wants a different life at present. He is fed up with the problems CG brings. I will look into GMA I know how important it was to you and your CG and what a fantastic place it must be.

I do have my doubts as to whether my ex will consider this an option. But my instinct is also telling me he has to find his own way. I can offer support from inside my safety net. Thank you for your advice. I felt a little unsure. I’m now feeling more confident. I’m making my changes. He needs to continue with his.

Your wisdom is very well received. Thanks

M x

[michelle45]

Just wanted to update

My exs behaviour has improved in recent months. Been far more reliable.I didnt realise he had noticed that my behaviour had changed but commented a few weeks ago that a change in my behaviour had made him look at himself.

I suspected last weekend he might gamble heavily as it was payday and his supply of cash from grass cutting would be drying up as winter approaches. He did although kept to arrangements to see our daughter. I know he gambled because he said he didn’t have maintenance money and looked awful.

I failed to respond ( had a throat infection and could barely speak) have also noticed the less I say or do the more he says and does!

I then get a text out of the blue really that says ( in summary) he realises he needs to change and has made the decision to stop gambling. He is very sorry for all the hurt and upset.!!

I know he has been thinking about change and talking about it and his behaviour has been much better . he is seeing his older daughter and our daughter has seen her sister. Signs have been there.

he saw our daughter as planned last night and was keen to talk about how he can’t control his gambling and must stop. He doesnt even like gambling (!) But its like his brain switches when he starts and he cant stop. He doesn’t appear to want anything from me ( I offer nothing) but is keen to make changes . his mother will help with finances ( this is futile she gave him money to give to me for maintenance!!) He realises he needs to Fill his time more wisely. He understand s its actions. I made little comment other than you need support. He acknowledges this and think quite open to suggestions. He realises its small steps.Whether he follows them through im not sure.My instinct believes his need to change at the moment he seems to have had enough.He has been this resolute twice before in about 7 years. Both times stopping but returning after about 10 months the first time and 2 the second.

A little bit of a strange situation. No change for me really. Talk about being there for our daughter and building a life .But I would like to be encouraging without getting dragged in. I’m not sure how to communicate. Without support he won’t succeed if he’s serious. He had support before. He self excluded before. He does all the things you are supposed to do when u want to stop but they all seem futile if the desire to gamble is still there . It seems to have left briefly for the first time in about 2 and half years. He seems to have had enough presently but it doesn’t ‘ look’ like a rock bottom. He has a place to live. A job . although gambled heavily his mom helped. These don’t indicate a person who would do anything to change.. It’s more than a low though. I’m not sure what it is!!!

I wonder how I can best respond?

Thanks m x

[michelle45]

Hi jenny

It was good to see you in group last night. It was very busy with a few techical issues. I have been using the group for many months and always find it a great place to offload with those that really understand.

I can really empathise with your situation , actions and guilt. I cried reading your post as I completely understand You have spent along time thinking of others and your CG. He has spent along time thinking only of himself. It is difficult to change behaviour. I didn’t realise I was stuck in a cycle until I came across the CG cycle and then f&f cycle posted by velvet on here. The penny dropped. I have started to change my behaviour in recent months , it is slow but it now means I seem to ‘live’ more rather than ‘cope’ or get through. I’m only telling you all of this to illustrate that things can improve. I was so low, tearful had been living with gambling for about 10 years . my cg had left me and our daughter (then 3) after an argument and gone back to his moms (he is still there)I didn’t know how to change. But looking after yourself message finally has started to get through and make sense!

I completely agree that moving on is difficult but living with an addict is worse.

Keep ur chin up

M x

[michelle45]

Hi mm

Just wanted to wish you all the best back in Cuba. Always remember you are the rational one not controlled by addiction. CG have the ability to confuse us and doubt ourselves if we let them! You are in a much stronger position and clerer on what you want. So much stronger than when you left!

I do hope you can come back on here and update if possible. I will miss you in chat.

Your husband is lucky to have you on his side.

Best wishes m x

[michelle45]

I hadn’t realised it had been so many weeks since I posted probably because I had been using the support group. Thanks jenny m and v for your input and great advice.

My ex is behaving well but still gambling. He has talked about the impact gambling has had on his life and trying to restrict his gambling but he is not committed to change fully. He is behaving so much better with our daughter but I know the reality of our break up has finally hit him and he is trying to hold on. He has acknowledged the change in me and how this has made him look at himself. This did surprise me but I’m very realistic. He needs to want to change his life enough to actually do it.

He has kept up his good behaviour for a while now so I have been including him more in the affairs of our daughter. He has been reliable with arrangements. I think I am starting to feel uneasy as I’m expecting some sort of drama when he is due to look after her hence I have back up plans!! His cash from his extra job grass cutting will dry up due to the change in seasons and hence he will have less money. I think this is why I’m expecting him to let our daughter down. He will not access to the extra money grass cutting provides. He also fills a lot of his time with work. He will have more spare time with one job. All ingredients for a big gambling blow out and the resulting devastation. However this will not be my devastation this time.

My head is becoming less full of gambling. .Jenny you are so right. I have spent so much time plotting for every eventuality that I have worn myself out in the past. Not anymore. I think I will be OK.

My daughter adores her dad but she is only 4. She talks about her dad and this makes me sad sometimes. But I can see the reality. He is lost in addiction. I need to be strong enough not to be.

Things are so much better than a few months ago. All I can simply say is ‘thank you’
M x

[michelle45]

Hi jenny

I too am the ex partner of a CG. I have read your posts and wanted to say I can relate to everything you say. You write so well and clearly and I too have felt such anger rage confusion desolation over the injustice of a gambling addiction. It’s absolutely exhausting!.

The thing with a tough day is that it does come to an end. Days will come and go but as you have already been so strong and left the addiction days will become less dramatic with time. I too used to hide my purse in my house. If my ex visits our daughter in my house I always hide my bag. He is still gambling but behaving better.

This site is so good because f&f completely understand. I have not told anyone else I hide my purse. I have not told anyone else that I spent time questioning my ex in case he left our 4 year old outside the bookies on her own. ! I found that on this site i was free to be honest about these things. The awful realities of addiction. As you say others would be shocked.!!

As for rage I still could not write down the things I planned to do to my ex to make him suffer given the opportunity. I could not write them down because they are too awful to express. I don’t think these (in the main!) now but I realise but it has taken months to get there. This is nothing to do with my ex but I eventually stopped wanting to be dragged down by the addiction. I no longer wanted to cope. I wanted to live.

You have had a very tough time. You are a good person who is trying to care for your children. My ex lives with his mother who supports and enables him all the time. My ex and his mom will continue to live with the same dramas and be stuck. Just as your ex and his parents will face one drama after another whilst he gamblers. Breathe a sigh of relief that you and your children are out of it.

I am thinking of you and your family. Your 7 year old will be looking to you and she will see a woman with great strength of character. How lucky she is.

All the best

M

[michelle45]

Hi mm

I don’t come on here as much these days but I saw your post and wanted to write a reply. It will be very quick as I am off to work shortly.

I can completely relate to what you are saying as I did this myself. I waited around for my ex to call or stayed in hoping he might pop in. Your situation is so difficult as you are alone and that must magnify your feelings. You also havent seen ypur husband for a long time its understandable. I understand the rage and anger. At work I really really lost it one day. I barely new a colleague and he witnessed a tirade of appalling language about my ex so I completely understand!!!!

I too understood the logic for years but didn’t act on looking after me that well and hence I suffered. You are doing brilliantly but seem to constantly doubt your instinct. Your husband will say what he needs to get what he needs, the money to gamble. Believe in yourself and you are not letting yourself or him be drawn in the addiction when you say no. You know this logically. I too found it difficult to be firm and with anything in life that’s difficult once you master it you feel stronger and better for it!!

I hope this makes sense. I notice how you are so kind to to reach out to others too. I haven’t been keeping up so much with what’s
going on on here but as you know the support you offer someone will be very much appreciated.

I hope you are feeling better soon. Stay strong!!

M x x

[michelle45]

Hi mm

Good to talk to you in group. I hope you feel better soon. Thanks for offering different perspectives and things to think of at a time when you have such alot to contend with. It is valued and shows your great understanding in such a short time. I did write down things I wanted to say thank you. I did say them but I was only able to as my ex is currently receptive. I may sometimes have a problem with communication but I realise my ex chooses sometimes to hinder rather than help communication. Again the penny has eventually dropped. I do realise I have a tendency not to see the obvious!!

I have spent a lot of time wondering and thinking about gambling addiction over the years. I feel like I don’t want to do this much anymore. It serves no purpose for me. It keeps me stuck. I want to leave the addiction behind me.

I am becoming much clearer just because I recognise patterns. Many things I have read now make sense. I did not believe that my ex would be manipulative for his own devises because that for me was so difficult to accept. I wonder how I lived with blinkers for so long. Probably because the pain of acceptance is very hard .

I wonder about my feelings for my ex now. But this is almost irrelevant to me as the biggest love of my ex is his gambling. He grips on to it dearly. It is more powerful than his love for his daughters. His youngest daughter, my daughter is the priority in my life. He is being responsible and kind and considerate as yet again he kids himself he can control his addiction. I know he loves our daughter I can see it. I also know he doubts he can change and doesn’t really have the present conviction for it. I think he imagines he can control it yet again.

I am trying not to get sucked into his efforts to be more controlled. He seems normal again. Its hard again to believe this is the person that can be so unreasonable and so caught up in himself he has little consideration for a child.

I do know that this will not last as long as he does not try to get support. I have told him about this site but I wait for nothing. I confirm plans and decline requests to join him and our daughter. What is the point?

I feel a little easier. I feel stressed when I feel I make wrong decisions and judgements. The goalposts with a CG can be ever moving if you let them. I feel I have control in other areas of my life. My CG threatens my control of my life if I let him.

I am trying to say no more!!

So mm keep going as you are keep questioning what is right for you. Thank you for your kind words. Thank you as always velvet.

Regards

M x

[michelle45]

Hi mm

I was just updating my thread and somehow lost what I had written. In the meantime I have read your reply and wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts. It must be incredibly difficult if you are spending a lot of time alone? Loneliness is an awful feeling and I think the addiction leaves you feeling lonely and isolatef often in a room full of people sometimes. I do understand. I spent many years feeling lonely although I could have spoken to friends or family. I felt shame and embarrassment. I now realise I could have helped myself sooner by seeking support from other people too. Is there anyone in your family or a friend you could talk to who you feel won’t judge. Even now I am truly honest only with few people about the affect the addiction has had on me. I didnt even realise the effect it did have for a long time. The first place I truly opened up was here. That somehow gave me the courage to reach out to others. I know your situation is very difficult but do you contact friends and family in the UK? Can you Skype.? Anything to connect you back to things you used to enjoy. Things you have forgotten about. My head has been full of gambling for many years and it is such a waste. The most difficult thing for me was accepting I had no control. A really hard lesson. Instead of trying many strategies to minimise the affect of the addiction I wish I had used my time more effectively for me.

These thoughts are just my experience its just I know I am so much better when I am with people and doing things not just sitting thinking. If I keep busy days pass by quickly. I still find weekends most difficult as I perceive others to be in their traditional family unit. But it has just taken me time to find the energy to actually do things!! Are there things you enjoy doing,?

Thank you for taking the time to write on my thread. You are being very supportive at a time when you are having such a tough time and it really is appreciated. Writing things diwn helped this weekend. Thanks. Keep looking after yourself as much as possible. I know how difficult it is to think clearly and be strong. My experience is that only by finding the right answers for you do you begin to feel easier. Have confidence in yourself. You have lived with such difficult circumstances already don’t forget you are strong enough to deal with this. Keep faith in yourself. That is all you really need
I know I need to also convince myself of this!!

Best wishes
M x

[michelle45]

Hi mm

I t was nice to talk to you in group again. I have read your posts and the replies you are getting. I can ‘hear’ how much you value the input as you must be in a lonely situation. Away from all that is familiar. You will find a lot if people who care here!

Your last few posts seem clearer. Sometimes it is just time and it really helped me to get other peoples views. I I too have read lots of stories and posts and searched the internet and it is very true that there a lot of similarities. I am finding that I ask questions and become clearer on finding answers a while after. I don’t know if that is common or my experience!

With regard to recovery again it seems every path Is different. My ex has stopped in the past for periods but always returned. I wanted his recovery more than him it seemed. I was very committed to it!! I know that is just his story and others seek recovery at different points and suceed in recovery. This site is testament to that. I now see the pattern with my ex as im more removed. My ex still believes at the moment he can control his gambling even though he really knows he can’t but is presently choosing not to admit that to himself. If he did he would have to do something about it wouldn’t he!! Your husband knows he has a problem and is understanding that action is needed. Unfortunately all of this takes time. Unfortunately you have no control over this. This is something I have struggled with for years!!

This journey is very tough. I have days where I’m so I’ll at ease still but if I think back to a few months ago I literally struggled to make it through the day. I make many mistakes and become very frustrated.I have really good and carefree days too. When you are surrounded in addiction it is difficult to have any carefree days.. I do understand your thoughts and your need to try and rationalise things. You are human!! I also understand the battles with yourself.

With regard to literature from gamanon I had some sent to me as it is difficult for me to attend a meeting . I realise this was in the UK so there was no charge but it may be worth a try!!

I wish you well on your journey .

Regards m

[michelle45]

Hi velvet

Thanks for your reply. I have been feeling unsettled recently although I appear to be doing the’ right things’ in the main. I suppose the frustration I feel will have little place to go as long as my ex is an active CG. I do look after me much more than a few months ago and although my daughter is generally happy I have been struggling to come to terms with the fact that unfortunately my exs addiction will impact on our daughter to some extent because that is the nature of addiction. The very ugly truth. Not what I intended. She has been affected by it although she doesn’t know this yet and it is very difficult to remain calm with this knowledge. I know I will continue to try and protect her as much as possible.

My ex does make contact to see her although in all of this he is not a ‘real dad’ as he cannot have any real responsibility. I do not ask his opinion or lay anything out there that could be manipulated by him. Hence he can only ever have a limited relationship whilst gambling. He is gambling less over the past few weeks I would say from his behaviour acting normally and being reasonable. I have told him his gambling does impact on our daughter as I think he believes it doesn’t. He also still thinks he can control his gambling as he said all he is doing is a bet on the football on a Saturday ( I obviously doubt this. It will spiral again even know if this is the intention for a while). I cannot believe he still says these things and actually believes them.

There is a correlation between his gambling activity and focus on our daughter. His gambling is less intense so he has more attention on our daughter. He has been turning up when he should for around 5 weeks which is good for him .He now wants to take her away overnight. I know as always just because he says this and intends it it may not happen but I have concerns about him doing this which I have expressed to him. All of this was surprisingly acknowledged by him without childish remarks, although I told him he didn’t take any responsibility for our daughter ( I don’t give him any opportunity too!) Which he didn’t agree with ( oh the blinkers on a cg)!! and this is where I get frustrated with the situation. What is he up to now? It becomes very tiring and I am at a loss of how to deal with the ever changing face of a CG . he is operating within agreements within the main although does try to test and change still. I get annoyed with myself as I prepare myself with every possible scenario I have either experience of or can think of when arrangements are made, try and anticipate any problems that may arise. For example meeting half way with our daughter rather than him bringing her back. I am then prepared next time but literally I can’t think of everything. And will be thrown off guard. The reality is once his gambling is more intense our daughter will get less focus . This is where the reality and ugly of the addiction will impact on our daughter. Can anyone offer advice about this? Am I getting this all wrong?!!

Now this ould just be a characteristic of my exs personality but I know when he doesn’t gamble he is Mr helpful, reasonable etc and Mr arrogant difficult when he gambles.

I have been able to express some of my concerns about the impact his gambling has on our daughter . this is because he was receptive. I have answered my own previous question on how to communicate. I can’t unless he will hear it. I can only act.!!

Any input gratefully received!!

Thanks as always m

[michelle45]

Hi mermaid

I may be mistaken but your posts seem to indicate you are putting pressure on yourself to make decisions about your future quickly. There may be many reasons for this and it may not be the case but another piece of advice I have received on here that has worked for me has been ‘if you are unsure what to do then pause and stand still until you know’.(thanks velvet). This site is full of stories where CG have sought recovery and also CG who have not. You are not with your husband and it will be having a big impact on him. But only his actions over time will tell you if he is trying to change. I have lived with the addiction to gamble for over 10 years and although I have been aware of the addiction for many years it has taken me a very long time to start to understand and to find some strength to try and change my life. It is not straightforward and as you say there are unfortunately no magic wands.

You are understandably going through a complete myriad of emotions .Your situation is so challenging that no one other than you will know what it is like to live your life and be you. I used to worry all the time about peoples opinions but its only you that has to live with yourself so id put other peoples opinions into perspective. They will have no idea what its like to be you.

With regard to my own situation having a young daughter can help getting through the day sometimes. Seeing things through the innocent eyes of a 4 year old helps me appreciate the simple things. I have been out today with a friend who has a daughter the same age. The girls were so excited to be running through a stream and feeding the ducks it really helps me keep the addiction to gamble in its place and out of my life. My ex is doing nothing to address his addiction. He is an active CG and therefore I have to try and keep it out of my daughters life as much as possible.

Keep posting. I know I am doing better and I am only doing so because of the help support and empathy I have received on this site. You will come to make your own decisions and be happy with them. You are doing it now but I suppose it just feels strange?

Take care
M

[michelle45]

Hi mermaid

It was nice to talk to you in group. I can really understand where your posts comes from. It does help to offload it all. You are in such a tough situation but are starting to look after yourself.

Your husband is in a situation of his own doing and you know you are not responsible for him. I can ‘see’ you battling with yourself over the money but you are the rational one and know what will happen to it if you send more.

As you have said you can do no more. You have to look after you because who else is going too?

I hope you are able to do something you enjoy today. It will make your day easier. Leave some space in your head for things other than gambling.

Take care. My thoughts are with you

M

[michelle45]

Hi Michelle

I wanted to reply as I always feel I could have written your posts. Your posts are not rambling but very clear. You love someone with a gambling addiction and their behaviour is irrational and confusing and as hurt you over a long period of time. Its so understandable its so hard. I can see this very clearly when I read your posts but do struggle to see it for myself. I do understand.

You are doing well you are realising what is going on and trying to do something about it by not getting involved. I received advice that said you will always be involved in dramas if you let yourself and its so true. (Thanks jenny) . You know all this but it is so difficult to break patterns of behaviour. If your CG is taking the responsibility for his actions maybe he will start to change. But as you say they are his choices.

I am moving forward but it is a long road. Some days are easier than other. Today I feel angry and feel like ringing my CG and telling how irresponsible and selfish he is. This is because my daughter is a little unsettled although he has seen her. His recent compliant behaviour confuses me. I know I won’t and yet a couple of months ago I would have tried to explain this to him and have a reasonable discussion about it. It would have got me nowhere but angrier, more upset and feeling more hopeless. Now I write it here!!

Velvet commented that we often know the right thing to do and actually doing it is so much harder. It is but peace of mind is absolutely priceless. I am also striving for this.

Take care. I do completely understand
Regards m

[michelle45]

Thanks very much for your wise words. Sorry it has taken me a while to reply but I did go on my gamble free holiday. It was lovely as my friend joined me with her 2 children for half the holiday and my sister and brother in law for the other half. Even though my daughter was unfortunately ill when we were away she had a lovely time. It is very true that there are many opportunities in life if only you choose to look for them / take them! I took the opportunity to go away without my CG and we had a good time.

The problem I have had is trying to set up a firm arrangement. My CG has been non committal when I have tried to do this. Taking a step back he is presently making arrangements and sticking to them. I believe he is in a period where is gambling is less intense his behaviour suggests this. He told me he needed to spend more time with our daughter and do more things with her. But as always we shall see how long this lasts.

I’m still trying to sort out my boundaries. I do really struggle with this although I’m very clear now that I no longer wish to live with a gambling addiction. I’m trying to protect my daughter from the addiction too and at the moment it is obvious her dad really wants to spend time with her and do things with our daughter. This then makes me worry; how long will it last? He will stick to arrangements I believe but more halfheartedly.

I generally feel much clearer and less stressed. That is good. It is school holiday so I am spending a lot of time with my daughter. She asks a lot of questions of her dad’ why don’t you live at my house daddy’. This no longer upsets me to hear. It is unfortunate but reality and I find it much easier to deal with than I did a few months ago!

Thanks as always for reading and the great advice.
M

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