Thanks for the welcome! I think you are so right Laura about the strong care taker type being susceptible to gambling addiction. I think that the numbing element plays a huge role and then the neurochemicals or whatever takes over. It is quite bizarre to me as I tend to think of myself as a “control freak” or someone who likes to be prepared and to plan to avoid anxiety. However, no matter how many times I say will stop while ahead or stop after a set amount–I don’t. I can’t . These past few months I have gone with that intent almost in an attempt to “prove” that I have that strength. Sadly…addiction is stronger (at this point). Isn’t it funny how we have a perception of what addiction is when it comes to others, and yet a skewed perception that we are somehow impermeable. I have read some of the stories here and some inspire me. And in some ways I feel scared. I don’t want gambling addiction to be holding space in my life forever. I don’t like to envision myself thinking and craving going forever. I guess recovery looks different for each person, and frankly that’s me WORRYING about the future instead of facing the NOW. Perfectionism is about the last thing I should worry about right now. I am really trying to embrace Brene Brown’s idea that perfection can be our worst enemy.
I ate better today and did not go to casino. I did not call any therapists yet. I will make its goal to get that done before the end of the week.
I went by one of the sister’s houses on the way home an happened to see a check in the top of her purse. I could tell the writing on the back that said “for deposit only” was my mothers hand writing. I did not see the amount but it irked me to know she continues to pay for whatever my sister needs when she too is an adult, with a job. She does not ask my mom for money but my mom loves having that to hold over her head. Enabler. Lizbeth..yep there does seem to be the family dysfunction that we all seem to have. I think learning to let some of that go will help me in my recovery. Prayers I can find the right therapist for help on that.
