[mermaid]

I just read this in my inbox before heading to bed and it made me smile and I wondered if it would be useful to share, here on your thread, Jenny, but also for M too.

It is all about the importance of self care. It might sound a little fluffy, but I like the words.

“If you believe that you are a child of the universe, or a product of Love, and/or a global citizen, then it’s common sense that you care well for yourself. In fact, you’re honour bound to love yourself… Self care is taking the time to recover….It’s leaving. It’s investing. It’s asking for more. It’s being protective and tender and limitlessly compassionate with yourself.”

xxx

[mermaid]

Thank you also so much, Jilly. How lucky I am to have such wonderful and wise input! I feel honoured.

I understand to clearly everything you say, Jilly, and you express it so well. But then I feel backed into that corner, berate myself for how I got there, and I lose my sense of power and clarity. But I do believe it will come more and more with time. And that I have truly advanced from where I was just a couple of months ago.

I so understand that it is his process and I am not here to fix him. But perhaps I make excuses for him as I know he doesn´t have the support options and I can´t just at least suggest…this or that counselling, or GA…I hope we can have calm, clear conversations and I can just explain some of the things I have learned (that can be related to him) and he can take what he can and wants to of it. I just have to see. I just have to find more things to focus on other than him (so hard in Cuba as it is so hard for me to find balance there, it is so isolating). I have to find more ways to do things for myself to carry myself through the harder times when there is conflicts and setbacks happen. I have to remain focussed on the positive.

He is changing and trying, there is some progress even if it is such early days so, despite my feelings of recent days, I am encouraged to go back and see. And I am focussing on me and how best to be for me in all of this so that I get a better version of me (as I have a lifelong relationship with myself) and he does too.

I like that: “We teach people how to teach us” and I interpret it as by living our own example of who we want to be, being who we are, a separate me marked by healthy boundaries, and not by lecturing and protesting to someone who doesn´t want to listen…knowing the difference between supporting and walking alongside, and controlling or surrendering to the other person.

I have rambled and ranted so much in the past few days! Phew!

Everyone has been so incredibly helpful and supportive. I know I will carry this with me when I travel.

[mermaid]

Thank you so much, M and V. The words you write truly provide me with much support, encourage me to “keep my head high” and…smile 🙂

But also…I guess for now I am still in a very confused place. My husband was in touch again this morning, briefly, and quickly wanted to ask why the money hadn´t arrived. He then got very annoyed that I hadn´t sent it when he had expected it and believed that I had said that I was going to send it (which I did a few days back, less than he asked for, but he made an insulting remark that it was such a sh***y amount and then said that was just a joke) so I never ultimately told him I was going to send it or had, but also I was not clear. He said he had borrowed money last night and needed to pay it back today and that he was in a difficult situation and he felt I had been playing with him. I just was not clear and direct to him. But he also heard what he wanted to hear, I think. So he was not happy, I saw how I was being meek still and didn´t want conflict and didn´t want him to be angry with me and he took up and left. Then quite quickly he was back again, apologising..and…saying various things…conflicting things….trying another time…again very short of internet time…and I …..

….ended up sending him the money………………………

So…where does that leave me?

I feel or hope I can negotiate all this so much better live in-person and when I can assess how things really are by being there. I have had weeks and weeks of very rushed Facebook chat communication, messages cut off, waiting a couple of days for the continuation.

He did what he has done before and makes me so mad. He went ahead and borrowed money and left himself with the need to pay it back and expected me to send him money, without seeing if I was really going to. I know often he is desperate for money, but…here we are tens of thousands later and he is where he is with money and his life, and it really is not so very different to where he was before he met me (but I didn´t know it then), just that he has been “milking” me in one way or another and managing to make me feel backed into a corner. That is how I feel…backed into a corner, with this rod poking at me.

He may do/have done…it is possible…use the money for gambling. It is not his pattern though, but it gives him something to be able to go if he feels triggered. I need to understand better for myself where my feelings of resentment come from…the feelings of powerlessness. I want him to just take more responsibility for his own life now…finally…and not lurch from one desperate situation to another,and I want to see my role in how I might be able to support him in this (even though it is so much up to him, his process). I don´t want him to feel he can ask me to help him when he has gambled (and of course be all sweet and remorseful) and then shortly afterwards ask me for more money and also expect that I will pay “because he really needs it otherwise he wouldn´t be asking me” and “he has no one else to turn to”. He´s trying to get the judge to accept papers for new work for himself, but this is all in limbo for now and not at all guaranteed. So even though I don´t believe he will use the money to cover gambling activities, I have come to realise I am still enabling because he does not need to really face the seriousness of his actions. I had thought he had changed more, and saw him suffering more consequences in the first weeks of me being here, but now from the last few days, I don´t know how much he has really changed and how strong his conviction really is. Perhaps this is not so important….even though it upsets me so much right now…what is important is what happens when I arrive and how we negociate things together.

I felt helpless to resist…I sent the money…and I don´t really understand it all very well at all. I just have to see how I go in the real live in-person world.

[mermaid]

Hi Jenny,
I would have also had a good cry after those phone calls, and then tried to pick myself up again and look for the strength to keep moving forward. It sounds as if they have no experience of cg ex-spouses and no processes set up for them. More work for the cg advocacy community to get involved in in the future! You can at least know that you tried and did your best on that one. Let´s hope other options, real ones, present themselves in the coming weeks and months.

I also was hiding my purse and all my valuable items that could be be easily lifted and used as collateral/pawned and often it still didn´t work. And when I go back to Cuba, I will be trying to figure out how to safeguard things again. It is incredibly challenging and exhausting, and really such a relief when you are in a situation where you no longer have to do it. Blessings to count… 🙂

It sounds like you are, despite it all being so hard right now, doing such a wonderful job of being there for your children and showing them that you are the person they can truly rely on and who bathes them in love and care. Although you are struggling so much, this must make you feel good. And the walks sound good (one of my therapies too).

I can also relate to the anger, and the feelings of desolation (a good word to describe how I have felt quite often). It does all feel so unjust. While I try myself not to feel I am a victim, I do sometimes think…hey, wow, Life, I really didn´t see that one coming, you really did throw me a curveball there and you are definitely testing me now. I hope you are going to send me something nice after all this, and that I will appreciate it…well, sometimes I perhaps sneak in a thought like the last one.

Although you are laden down by the debt now, perhaps in the future, Life will shower you with abundance. We never know. For now, you have your health, the love shared with your children, and you have started walking along the path to Freedom. The sweetest victories from the hardest thought battles, or something like that…
A big cyber hug.

[mermaid]

Well, I got so upset this evening, shaking, crying. Just not knowing how to deal with things. Now I have been for a long walk in the park (teary-eyed) and have had some mezcal and am feeling calmer. I write on Jenny t´s profile (whose situation truly touches my heart) and can´t follow my own advice. I am so alone in Mexico and have no one to share anything with here, it was just what seemed the easiest place to take a break from my husband and the toxic soup that our relationship had become and just the relentless run of gambling since he had been released from prison 4 months earlier. I didn´t show much strength, really. I needed to leave as my visa expired and would have tried to hang in there otherwise. The only resolve I have shown is staying put and being here so far for over 2 months without returning to Cuba. I just see that I don´t know how to communicate with him skillfully. That I get into this questioning/negociating amounts/asking for justification with him about it can´t cost this much, surely you don´t need that amount, why are you asking now when you said you would be ok, I can´t risk that you might gamble it, I know you don´t think you will, but… I don´t just clearly and firmly say NO. Without explanation. Without excuses Without feeling guilty. I just seem to find it so hard. I know he is with very little money (making a couple of dollars every couple of days selling bottles and relying on a couple of friends to put him up), but also the people that are helping him there do not have the thousands of debt (and still increasing) that I now have and they have not “helped” him over and over and over. I am trying to work out where my resentment all comes from and how to act so that I don´t feel such feelings. I guess I feel that he should just take more responsibility for his own life and deal with the consequences of his actions. And that is also because I have kept helping and helping, I know.. He was so demanding and so annoyed with me today because I had not sent him the money “that he needed”. And this upset me so much. I can´t figure out my jumble of feelings right now. I just don´t want to feel so alone with all of this. I think I need to keep “hovering” as Velvet calls it. I know that my husband doesn´t want the money to gamble with (from all his patterns so far) and feels he can control himself, and that he wants it to buy food, etc. and struggles each day to earn a dollar (peso), but he is also where he is because of gambling. He is relying on the support of friends (recently-made friends) because he left his uncle´s house because he felt upset that they would not help him with money and he was selling his clothes (and he has very few), when he has given them considerable amounts of money (that I have given them) but they don´t trust him and have seen what he has done the past few months. So he seeks money from me to support himself “until I return”.

I just need to say no. Punto. He has always survived on the streets. And I would “normally” trust in his ability to survive again, but he is on parole and I am so scared about hearing he is back in prison, where there is so much gambling and serious consequences if you don´t pay up.

My work each day is at the computer for several hours, but I stay in the house and by the computer all day in case he is in touch, and I see how much my state of mind depends on if I hear from him and how much I wait for him to “appear”. He has gone to great lengths to find a dollar to communicate with me almost every day. But I need to be more independent from him. So crazy, that I have spent so many years single, travelling, living, working around the world, and here I find myself ….well…bending over backwards because I want to be loved and exchange love…by/with another person. A person with an addiction, and who keeps looking to me for….”help”.

Again…ugh.

I wish I knew the words to skillfully use with him.

More mezcal… 🙂 (Today is Mexican Independence Day!)

[mermaid]

Velvet always says it so well! Life is a mix of fair and unfair and you are unfortunately in a run of unfair right now. But that will change. As Velvet says, it may look like your husband (and his parents) are doing well, better than you, right now, but they really are not at all, and in the future they will be less so unless your husband seriously changes. And no one can hold their breathe for that, least of all you ,-) It must be incredibly hard right now and you must feel so very sad and so angry too, but this will pass. It is all so understandable right now and you just need to try to lean into your feelings withouth analysing them (I wish I could take my own advice!) It is good to let out the anger, it comes from all the injustice you feel, and the pressure of being left to be responsible for so much, but it will pass as you take control of your life one day at a time. Love yourself, you really have to love yourself. You will see this through, with your kids. I am so sorry your daughter is struggling. I hope you can do some nice things together that she can have fun with. I was looking after my boyfriend´s 7 year-old daughter many years ago who started wetting the bed (and soiling her underwear) and it passed, but it felt difficult at the time. I guess the theme of this forum is self-care, it takes time. You can recover, you don´t have the addiction. Focus on you and your children. xx

[mermaid]

Thank you, Vera, your input is always very much appreciated. For so many reasons, I know that it is important…crucial…for me for me to take a very firm and clear stance with my husband, and I struggle with the actual actions even though my logical brain part knows what it is best I should be doing.

I think that where he is at at the moment, is not looking for money or support for his gambling (but maybe subconsciously…and of course he wants to face minimal consequences – which I find so frustrating because I want him to accept responsibility for more of the consequences…of course), but that he isn´t aware of his patterns and the importance of not even having the risk there for a “just in case Scenario A happens”…Since he is most likely to gamble when he is upset by something, and he always overshoots the amount of money he initially goes in with (by a lot), then he doesn´t realise that he can say over and over again that he won´t do it any more because he is resolved not to, that it can quite easily happen under the “right conditions” if he has never been able to prove this with his actions so far. I guess, most important is that *I* know I need to protect myself (and these actions also protect him).

As is so commonly the case it seems, I do feel frustrated that he does not just take on more responsibility for the results of his gambling…he moves on fast after the remorse of an episode…although I of course understand why it is easier to bury it. I know I have helped in making it so much easier for him. So not doing it helps do away with my feelings of resentment…of course!

I notice that I am increasingly nervous as it gets closer to me returning to Cuba. I want to go, but I am very wary and I know there will be many ups and downs. My husband can be extremely foreful and willful…it is…hard. I also know that in many ways not very much has changed while I have been away in my husband´s acceptance/awareness of and the actions he is taking to combat his gambling. His words still sound very similar, although his gambling patterns have changed, but also so has his living situation. I know he wants to change, but he still has no idea of the scale of the problem, and hence the nature of the thing he is trying to change.

Step by step. Day by day.

Still, I need to focus on the positives and remain focused on my own best interests, and then how I can best support him. I do find myself wishing I had some form of support in Cuba, but I know that it isn´t there.

[mermaid]

Hi Jenny,
I wanted to write in an attempt to offer some words of encouragement and strength, although they are only words, but they are heartfelt ones. My heart goes out to you. But it sounds as if you are also being strong, have learned, and now see through the manipulation and misguided blame (both from your husband and his parents – who still lack the understanding that you have and can benefit from). I hope you can build on this strength. Your ex is deep in his addiction and feeling a victim and you aren´t the one who can help him. He is clutching at what he can to continue without looking for the strength to truly change. This victimhood wants to suck others into its whirlpool. You are focusing on yourself and your children and that is what you need to do. It is not the time to try to understand. It is just the time to think what you need for you, and for your children, and to do things that support yourself and make your days brighter. Step by step, day by day. I know it is so easy to do, and we all do it at some stage, but I think that thinking in terms of deserving one thing or another, and not deserving addiction in our lives, will not serve you at the moment. No one in this world wants to suffer or see others suffering. Sometimes we just have to face very hard situations, that often seem unfair. And to hopefully grow from them. I am sure that the years of your marriage were not a lie, that when your husband was not gripped by his addictions that he was the person you fell in love with and wanted to be with. But it seems that in the present the addiction has taken an increasing hold and he can´t be the husband you want and need. If you can focus on the positive, the bright parts, the little things too in every day, then this will give you the strength to leave the pain behind. Do you have friends you can turn to for support? What can you do to make your days nicer, for you? Grieve, for you are in a tough situation and to heal we need to acknowledge our loss, but also use all the support available to you and do what takes care of you.

That is what you and your kids deserve 🙂

[mermaid]

Thank you so much, Velvet. Again. 🙂 Well, my husband reappeared online for a few minutes in the early evening, and although we didn´t have much time at all to chat, after several hours to contemplate, this did give me the chance to be firm with him, or at least to start to be… And I want to emphasise this firmness in the coming days. I would like him to get some idea of how I will be responding when he repeats the same patterns. Is it an Einstein quote that the definition of insanity is to repeat the same actions (errors) expecting different results?

I can see that he is in the cycle of genuinely believing that inbetween his bouts of gambling, when he steps out of it again, he has it under control, has realised the seriousness of it, and will change and it won´t happen again, and then of course the addiction takes over and it does. This part has not really changed from before I left. But he has reduced quite significantly (which could be due to various reasons, not necessarily so much his willpower, but I think to some degree it is), but I see he is still powerless if an emotional trigger hits him. Which is understandable at this stage. He still hasn´t actually taken any course of action to gain a deeper understanding (and how could he, with no resources and if it were so easy for him to understand and break the cycle, just so, by himself, then he would have done it ages ago, and the fact of not wanting me to leave him I don´t think is enough because right now he is waiting for me to return and for “all to be good”), but he is still “active” of course and even if he tells me he knows it is the only way forward for me to control all the finances, I know that he does not actually believe it, at least not all of the time, he doesn´t feel the importance enough, want it enough, and he contradicts himself over time. He is still asking me to “show him a bit of trust”, and so I tell him that there are no offers of trust in this situation, that it doesn´t work like that. That it works by examining the patterns and breaking the cycles. Hah, words… 🙂 !

So…opportunities to be firm, and show myself I can do it and build on that. And…using the “no” word 🙂 !

I feel wary, but I want to be strong.

I hope you had a lovely holiday, and I look forward to real-time interaction from one cyber couch to another.

[mermaid]

After reading a few posts today of those who have “made the leap” and are building their lives on their own terms now, with distance from the addiction and the addict….I am here, in the familiar cycle. I know I will be contemplating it all a lot today (while also trying to focus on my work!). My husband was in touch briefly this morning. I plan on returning to Cuba and being there within two weeks…to see how things are and how I go after this time away. I left knowing far less than I know now, but I am not sure that I have much more “strength” (of character?) than I did then, although I have had a far less stressful time and therefore have more energy. He asked me if I would send him some more money to survive on until I get there, $40 or $50…I think $50 is a little high, but he is not living with any relatives at the moment so he is buying more his own food, etc. But…irrelevant, whether 30 or 40 or 50, or…really…it is not a lot of money, but at the same time it is not insignificant and if I pay it I pay it with debt, as with everything I spend at the moment and for the past several months and I am so very careful with money myself (and I had had a lot of savings until I met my husband, and never gone into debt in my life). A week ago when he asked me for money to cover his drinking binge and return to gambling to “treat” his emotional upset I sent it to him, while at the same time (of course) he said he would be able to make bits and pieces of money to support himself now until I got there (and afterwards) and would work to repay it, support himself, etc. etc. It probably hasn´t worked out as well as he had hoped and he can´t make any money, and Cuba is very hard, and he is on parole with very limited options (but his time in prison while not linked to gambling was due to a real lack of judgement and immaturity on his part, even if it was unjust and draconian, he knows his country, and I gave so much to bail him out of further problems and support him through a year in prison). So…he has his life how he has it…he messes up, he struggles…he asks me for help. He says he has a couple of friends helping him, but that he is embarrassed to keep asking, and that he hasn´t asked me sooner for more help as I helped him last week, and before, and before…so he hasn´t said anything. His one peso ran out so the Facebook chat got cut off before I could respond specifically. I had started to say that I had already sent so much, that he was in this situation because of his gambling, that he had blown the money I had sent him to buy an internet card for cellphones there (which is a huge advance) to greatly help me in my work and I had bought a new phone because of this…that if he has money it gives him the option to go and gamble. He of course denies he would use it for that, and of course he believes that before it actually happens…he says he doesn´t have enough money for food…and I believe him. So…me here…as I eat my big breakfast, think of all this. I am thousands in debt and…just, well, sad and anxious, unsure of my decisions and actions much of the time…and he has this life, which I have become connected with. I believe (and choose to, for now) that he truly wants to stop gambling, and that he is trying. And that he would not want to spend the money on gamblling. But he would have it in his hands if..as a couple of weeks ago…something happened that upset him and triggered him to want to gamble. And he is in the situation he is in, asking me, again, for money because he gambles (and because he does the things he does in his life, it is not at all just the gambling, but if I think about it, just about everything can be traced back to the gambling in one way or another). And he turns to me. I know he feels shame to ask. I know he thinks this is better than asking to cover gambling debt because it is for food, etc…necessities…but in a way really it is to cover gambling debt…as he would have money if he didn´t gamble. He would have a nice house, a business…he would be doing well, most likely…or at least those would have been more real options. He would not have left his uncle´s house feeling so let down by them, and they would look upon him more favourably and want to support him.

He does look quite hard …at least…more so recently, after a bad run before I left for Mexico…and also in his past, I know, for ways to support himself…he is a “fighter” and independent…but in our relationship he has become very dependent and I am….feeding this.

I would have told him …was typing that…that I would send him 25 Euros to help him (the minimum the transfer service allows) but his time ran out and it cut off. And this has given me more time to reflect and decide what I will do.

To so many “outsiders” it all looks so simple, I know. No more money. Let him figure out things for himself. This is enablement. Why are you even in this relationship? There are plenty of men in the world. And you are at such an early stage in the relationship and it has all started so badly. Quit now. And I see all this…and what keeps me in it all?…Apart from the usual…feeling sorry for someone you love, knowing that this does not help anyone though…and I like Cuba and the life I could have there (yes, I know…that I *could* have), and I think how he is trying to change, even if his options are so limited. But it is a long journey (I see the emotional roots and it is a reponse he has learned since he was very young…someone likened it to being so hard as it´s like saying you need to unlearn the alphabet or the 2x table, it is all so ingrained), and I need to have my part of the path well defined, to myself and to him.

Yes, I know…the big mess of enabling…

Ugh.

[mermaid]

Hi Jilly, Thank you so much for writing. I truly appreciate it and I wanted to reply sooner, but I am really a little lost for words! You express everything so well and so clearly, and also gently, and I found that all I have been really able to do is absorb it quietly, if that makes any sense. I hope that writing it all out does help you, as you said it would. You went through so many years living with such a difficult situation, taking it day by day as best you knew how at the time. And it sounds like now you have leaped into a new freedom, that you can appreciate far more for having had the journey you have. It is lovely to read about and I wish all power to you!

So I guess I am still in the hovering stage. My way of being “firm” has been to separate from my husband, which (and I may be wrong) to me seems to be the thing that hits him hardest and makes him reflect most. I have continued to pay his debts, and also being aware that I have told him several times, never again…and then I do, although the delays and complications in me deciding/the money reaching him have hit him too, and I knew they would. But I am still questioning if the consequences – likely prison time – would really help him in his life and his process of tackling the addiction. At the moment, I don´t believe so, and really think that it would only make it worse, but I may change my mind, or at least feel that for my own protection, it is the best option, best for me. I haven´t seen my husband in over 2 months. My plan is that I will see him in a couple of weeks´time. And then I will see how things go. I know I don´t want to return to the life I had with him before I came to Mexico in July. I know I have more knowledge and more skills in determining my own path. I just hope I can put them into practice! I am most wary about the implementation of barriers, control of the finances (and objects of value), and how my husband will take that. He is also very good at ….words…and I am very aware of this. And I think he convinces himself at the time of what he is saying. To me, I see extremely clear psychological roots to his gambling, but do not know how he will reflect on those and what options there will be and what he will choose to do to work with them. At the moment, he doesn´t really have any…only himself, with whatever support I decide I can give to him, in what I know is his process. With the words, the remorse, etc., it is so hard to know what is “real” and what is not, what will really last, what will truly drive actions to change. I guess at the moment, I feel I need to know where things are at, and I need to see how I feel differently and cope differently than a few months ago. And then go from there. I may still be under a whole bunch of illusions, but not nearly as many as I was. I have also done nice things for myself in my time here in Mexico, and just generally made myself stronger, although I know that emotionally I still carry so much just beneath the surface. But self-care has been much more a priority for me 🙂

There was a lot more I wanted to say in reply to your words, but sometimes there is so much I am thinking! Again, thank you so much for writing, it was truly heart filling, and it is lovely to read of you “in your peaceful sanctuary”. I hope you continue to find harmony in your life.
xx

[mermaid]

Questioning myself a lot the past few days on enabling…the payment of my husband´s debts after he has gambled (and they always need to be paid within a couple of days), the lack of consequences for him (this is not true, he goes through quite a lot emotionally after the event, but paying the debt takes away the most serious consequences), him consciously or unconsciously believing that if he gambles I will cover him as I have done up to now, even if sometimes enforcing a delay to make him “more aware” or protesting for a while first. I don´t see my husband´s gambling addiction as bad moral behaviour, as character weakness, as stupidity that he can´t wake up to…it is a psychological symptom with deep underlying emotional causes. He could have had another compulsive behaviour such as obsessive house cleaning and then I would not be thinking about enabling or not…The tough love and the not enabling are not so black and white. Sometimes they seem to make sense as the best approach, at others no. They will not cure him, but they can make him perhaps decide to act in a serious way to tackle the addiction. Without them perhaps he wouldn´t. And they help to protect me (important!). Mostly at the moment, it feels like it is about my own protection and not his.

And, my husband does want to stop gambling. He has realised, he knows that it is serious and he needs to change. He is stuck for options to help him. The best he can do is, alone…with the help of reading perhaps, better understand his triggers and the underlying emotional causes…to better understand himself and to change his responses based on this understanding. Not at all easy alone! But…possible…? And his patterns have become much clearer recently, he is clearly treating his emotional pain. So he has reached the stage where he sees the seriousness of the situation more clearly…if I don´t enable it will not cure him, it will protect me from the consequences, and he at the moment would go to prison, most likely, which would be even worse for his addiction. The book I have been reading says that it does not take long to see if stopping enabling actions helps the addict to change their outlook. In some cases the enabling can put them in a position where they can think and still have the options open to them to get help. It all depends on so many things.

I am not trying to defend any particular opinion or action here…I am trying to work things out for myself in my particular situation. But I also very much welcome input from others, and those who have had many years of experience.

I guess I am still giving my husband chances and opening doors for him to explore his options, through him having far greater understanding than he has ever had before of his compulsive gambling. He is still the one walking that path, and no one else can walk it for him, but I can place things in that path that he will come across and will influence his journey, one way or another. Each section of that path is a little different, and I see him going in a mainly forwards direction at the moment.

[mermaid]

Hi, Thank you for your thoughts. I guess, I agree. I understand. But also I don´t see it as completely black and white. In covering my husband´s recent debt this time, but not then buying him the things in Mexico then I guess it is also my way of saying that he is also paying the debt, as he does not actually have the cash. I also want him to pay me the cash, little by little, when I am back in Cuba, although I have no guarantee that this will happen right now, and it does not help, I know, to know that he would pay now and would not ask me for anything if he could.

It is difficult to separate out the not enabling and the punishment. One doesn´t want to push heroin into an addict´s hand, one doesn´t want to say, aw, it´s not so bad, never mind, after the destruction of another bout of gambling. So I agree with not enabling in the form of blocking, in the form of handling the finances firmly so that the gambler is restricted in the means they have to go and gamble. My husband is already aware of the seriousness of his gambling and the effect it is having on his life (and my and our lives). He has gone through enough situations, especially in the past few months, that make him see that. I actually feel that if I pay or don´t this time, it does not make any difference to him wanting to stop. He does. He is trying. Is that enough? Trying……Do I need to see more actions, more effort? What are his options? I believe that if he were somewhere with GA and counselling, he would be attending. But he isn´t. That still means that for me I have to be as aware of the situation as possible and protect myself. It is not my “fault” that he has this addiction and is in a place where there is no support to stop. I can´t feel more sorry for him and cut him more slack because of this and this is perhaps a trap I fall into sometimes. I can only act based on the reality and the options that are actually there.

I need to go back to the chapter in the Lance Dodes book. He supports actions to enable the addict to be aware of the seriousness of their addiction, its effects, but he argues that the majority are and it is not because they aren´t aware and are denying reality that they don´t stop. I can see from reading that actually in gambling this might be different as the person does not suffer so much with physical effects and (in many countries, but not where my husband is) it does not have the risk of its illegality (apart from when stealing happens to pay for the gambling), but at the same time the financial and emotional destruction is equally, extremely devastating so perhaps there is no difference…suffering is suffering…. There is advice everywhere not to pay the gambler´s debt, I know. Really, I can only make sure I am aware of my own limits and am looking after myself first. The ways of applying firmness and the forms of not enabling…these I am still trying to work out for myself. For me first, I guess it is trying to make sure that I am not aiding in providing my husband with the means to gamble. If he believes that I will always pay his debt if he gambles, then this does not help..no, and perhaps he would always find some way to gamble even with the barriers, but it is far far less likely. But I am also not sure it is actually damaging and making him gamble at the moment, him thinking that each time the safety net is there. That is not what goes through his head when he “decides” to gamble, not at all. I think that is a key point in the way I currently understand things. I actually have been “punishing” him to some degree and I am still confused how I feel about this, making him wait and wait and suffer the consequences of waiting before the money reaches him to pay his debts, me staying away from him in another country for longer when the money is used to pay his debt (but this was more for me, too, not just to get him to be in different circumstances to see things in a different way), not buying things I would have bought. But I see him suffering without any of this (although perhaps the most effective for him to think about things in different ways is me being separated from him for a while – and things might reverse again when I am back there, but I am equipped with more knowledge now, in many ways) and it is up to him what he wants to do and what he actually does to move forwards.

This is a ramble. It is just I can´t see it so clearly black and white and I have read much about the enabling by paying the debts. In the end, the most effective seems to be to get at the root emotional cause of the addiction and work with that, but that is of course extremely challenging and requires huge effort from the cg and skillful experienced people facilitating the process.

I am still thinking carefully on this and appreciate all input, very much so. The book by Lance Dodes did resonate with me and my personal belief systems and I have found it helpful. He of course also emphasises the F&F looking after themselves first and foremost and the reasons why this is important.

[mermaid]

Ugh, I just typed (fast!) for half an hour and lost it all by accidentally hitting the control key and being moved off the page! I had typed so much!
Anyway…writing different things now…the cycle…a relapse from my husband, me feeling that my emotional state was too dependent on what was happening with him and feeling frustrated about that, but not knowing how to get out of that, and also me feeling that my husband´s lying and deception around the gambling are gone at the moment, he is very open and honest and wanting to stop. I wish he had the resources for support, but he doesn´t! His gambling has shifted from more like partying binges, although sometimes also reactions to when he was clearly upset, of before, to just when he is struggling emotionally and as a clear coping mechanism. I have been observing myself and my reactions to when he has been out of contact suddenly, wondering and expecting him to have gambled, wondering about the extent of the damage, wondering about being able to trust…and just not wanting to feel so dependent on his state, not wanting to be thinking so much, so obsessively about him. I was in the desert for 3 days camping, which normally I love, and had not heard from him, which was rare, and was just feeling that something had happened and so desperate to hear from him and know. And I felt miserable! The not knowing and waiting for the bad news and wondering if he was just deceiving me were the hardest. And then the mind just questions the truth of so many things…a real snowballing. When he explained the situation (and he had gambled) it was all a relief, just to know. And to see his openness and honesty and him trying to make steps to change and also him starting to work and support himself better (which he needs also for his self-esteem). At the same time I was thinking about my reaction…the relief…the co-dependency of being the helper…again…my role…and wanting to be as aware as I could…over analysing sometimes making my head feel like it is going to burst! So…he gambled, he lost more money (and I am paying this for him to pay me back and also now not buying the thing he most wanted me to bring back from Mexico, because I am no longer convinced of the clear black-and-white of the damage of enablement in the form of paying the debts of a gambler – apart from worrying about my lack of money and mounting debt…barriers, yes…taking away temptation, yes…but letting the cg suffer to hit “rock bottom” when it is clear they already know that it is serious and are suffering enough to know that change is needed…?). I do resent to some degree all this loss of money…and am sometimes angry with him about it, it is extremely hard to have the pressure and lack of freedom, but really I am more concerned about emotional well-being, self care and determining my own path. I have lost so much money already! And I am happy that my husband has more options now for work, even if it is not much money.

So…I am happy for the communication with my husband, which seems to be improving all the time. I think that both of our´s awareness of the patterns around his gambling, and the causes, etc. is increasing and this feels empowering, and I am still taking it slowly. I just need to find ways to not suffer so much wondering about what is happening with him and the possible consequences…and to feel that we can both be more independent of one another too, while at the same time being supportive.

[mermaid]

Hi Velvet, As always it is wonderful to read your intelligent and warm responses. Although I am selfishly disappointed for me that you won´t be posting for a couple of weeks as I will very much miss your writing and support, I hope you have a truly lovely holiday.

Reading the book has been good and I even managed to find it in Spanish for my Kindle so can take it with me for my husband to read and we can talk about the concepts using the same words. It is at the same time quite confusing as it seems so black and white, so simple….and yet of course so difficult in that it is saying that the addiction is linked to the deep emotional themes that run through one´s life and it seems to say that it is this, and nothing else…and yet, in my experience, the addiction behaviour often seems to take on different patterns at different times – e.g. sometimes it is clearly a reaction to a situation of stress and feelings of helplessnes and sometimes it just seems to be a…why not, it´s fun, kind of thing. And then it seems so interwoven with every aspect of the addict´s life. But it is the most interesting, practical thing I have read so far and I hope to use it also as a guide as where to look more for myself in my own “personal development”. I find myself wishing that I could have access to counselling, books, internet in Cuba. However, it seems that there has just been a huge breakthrough and that they have just introduced pre-paid cards that give full-time access to internet on mobile phones. This is a huge step! So, I don´t feel as lacking in access to resources and support for myself, even if I am always wary of the monitoring. This is good!

Communication, as limited as it is, has been good lately with my husband. He is full of ideas for when I return to Cuba and seems to have been gambling free for about 6 weeks now. I have been making an attempt to communicate compassionately, clearly and assertively…and sometimes it works…and also to wait and sit with feelings first before communicating (the distance helps with this!). It is so challenging because there are options for him to have an income but any handling of money by him feels so dangerous and makes me worry. I still don´t know how we will negociate me having control over the finances and being able to collect any money from him that he earns to distribute to him in small amounts over time. We just need to take it step by step. Also, we are trying to work out ways to change our living circumstances and conditions to reduce the stress in our relationship and give ourselves space away from others when we need it. None of it is easy in Cuba.

The other day the friend in whose house I am staying (who is a psychologist) took me to see a friend who runs a couple of addiction centres in the city centre. The people there are mainly drug, alcohol and inhalant addicts. One was open, where people could freely come and go and was very quiet, with few people. The other was closed, all locks and people confined in a small space with no way to leave for 3 months. The food was very poor and it was all very cramped with very few resources. They seem to receive quite good psychological care, though. There is no government funding and they rely on donations from families, who themselves have little money. I was told that these places were among the better ones and that there are many where the residents are like prisoners in chains, chained to posts, etc. and regularly beaten. It made me feel very uneasy about the nature of addiction in society.

The man running the centres asked me about my own situation and I explained. He was extremely blunt: leave the guy, he is just taking you for a ride, he just wants to gamble everything away and gambling addiction is the most insidious, hardest to break, you are crazy, etc. I can ignore what he says, but it is still no fun to listen to people who say such things and I didn´t go there expecting it.

All in all, I am currently feeling optimistic. I want to get back to Cuba, but need to wait for some things here in Mexico and for a few things to fall into place in Cuba. I want to work on myself. I just want to grow and learn. There will be enormous trust, communication, money management issues when I get to Cuba and I need to just go as calmly as I can with everything and find my inner judgement. For now, I will keep reading, finding my space, and just taking it one day at a time in Mexico. It has been incredibly lonely. I spend long days alone every day as the owner of the house is almost never home, but I do get out into the sun, eat well, and hope to go camping next weekend. I imposed this time on myself after things had just been too hard in Cuba and with all that had happened with the gambling. But it is too solitary and I know it is too solitary, but I hope it will all change in the coming weeks.

I didn´t mean to write so much here and it just came out…reflections…Although things became very intense in Cuba and I was extremely unhappy and struggling, it still feels very much that it is all at the beginning of a long journey. I just really hope not to go back to the depths of despair and frustration of the past. I will definitely try hard to do my best! And I will keep interacting with this site, which has been truly wonderful to have in the cyber world. I am very grateful.

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