[Meghna83]

Murr please let us know how you are

[Meghna83]

Hi RG,

Thank you for your kind words and well wishes on my first milestone.

So how my life has benefitted from staying away from gambling…

If I think back to a particular morning. I woke up having gambled and lost about 5-6k the night before. I had a sick feeling in my stomach and was low and really didn’t want to wake up and face my baby and husband. I was really negative to him and whatever he said I snapped back in order to avoid any daily life issues or responsibilities I had for my family.

That morning I continued to gamble and staked a huge amount on slots (£500-£600 a spin) set my heart racing and was in zombie mode, square eyed, dazed. Out of control. I ‘won’ on the last spin and then my mood rocketed from down and grey to euphoric and upbeat. My husband asked me what was wrong with me as I had only minutes ago shut him off and everything he had said. 

I feel sick thinking about that moment. I feel ashamed and I was stunned by how I went from low to high in minutes. Horrible, scary 

So today:

I face everyday in its real form

I don’t seek to escape 

I think Logically about everyday obstacles 

I am Present in mind and body for my baby and the father of my child

I would like another baby and grow my family

I started work and though it has bought some worry and a lot of fatigue, I feel good knowing I am contributing to my family’s pot

I no longer hide my phone or fear my husband might find anything to do with gambling 

I have stopped regretting

I no longer put pressure on myself to buy our first home and instead focus on the here and now to build my future.

I am no longer a slave to a destructive habit

I choose not to be dependent on a damaging activity 

I feel free 

[Meghna83]

Hi murr,

Well done for coming on here soon after. Not an easy task of admitting our obstacles.

If spending is a trigger for you then perhaps find ways of budgeting. 1000$ for a new phone sounds very pricey. There are cheaper models out there.

Think about your spending and drinking as seriously as stopping gambling as it is a trigger.

Would you believe that I also lost an £1000 phone back in April before my gambling started. My husband bought me an iPhone XR on mother’s day and my gambling took off for the first time after 7 years on that new phone.

Keep strong and think that in fact you bought something useful with that money. Knowing our habits you might have gambled much more that 2k in one session back then.

Eyes to the horizon murr. Believe in yourself and your inner strength

[Meghna83]

Day 30 !!! Whooooo Never will I give in …

[Meghna83]

Stayed over my older sis place last night and  today. No gambling thoughts and all the barriers are in place Happy Sunday! 🙂

[Meghna83]

Read some more threads online and affirmation that gambling damages

[Meghna83]

Well done murr. That happiness was not real. You are now happy because uncertainty has gone and you are in control 

[Meghna83]

Putting that much money at risk is not worth It. Think of all the things you could do with thAt money.

ask your reasonable self if it will make you any happier. Think about how you will feel if/when you lose again. 

[Meghna83]

Vera you can stop too! Online gambling is the worst kind especially if you’re like me and become immune to digital money. I could easily wipe myse out with online numbers yet find it so easy to hold onto to paper money. I really don’t ever want to find myself gambling online ever again. 

[Meghna83]

Thanks murr for your unending support and energy. I really don’t feel an urge to gamble and even when pressure is on from work. Coming on the forum has become a good habit for me to read people’s progress and remind myself of the dangers of gambling.

My self loathing has stopped. I have enough to live on and am back at work.

Work life isn’t great and I am taking each day as it comes.

So I am not pregnant but I would like to be…

[Meghna83]

Past the 21 days and really not looking to spend any more of my money in unhealthy ways.

Work is full on. Baby needing a lot more energy

Gambling would turn my world upside down in this situation

Thank you god for making me use my reasonable mind

[Meghna83]

Think about how much you have achieved by saying no to gambling, How much more damage you shielded yourself from, How bad it could actually have gotten and how much

More debt might have been added had you not taken the right steps to say “no more !”

Rewinding and replaying for me has always been my Achilles heel but it’s something I am working on stopping now.

About your friend. Firstly May his souls rest in peace. At the age of 17 when young independent life begins to take form and then it’s over. Not easy to witness that at the same age and I can’t begin to imagine the suffering that loss brought you and his loved ones. 

My 23 year old brother lost his 22year old friend this year and watched him die. It was a car accident. He was young and driving dangerously. On that particular night, the friend had asked my brother if he wished to join him for a late night movie at the cinema with some other friends. My brother declined due to work fatigue that day. Everyone in the car survived but his friend, the driver died. A rod had entered his neck, piercing his main artery. 

My brother cried for weeks on end and locked himself away. Drank himself sick and cried some more. I cried too thinking about how i might have felt had I witnessed a close friend pass away. Life seems insurmountable and hard for me some days. Especially since having my baby and my gambling problems of the past (finAncial damage, shame, guilt in the couple etc etc) but life really is fragile, impermanent and short.

Day 23 for me Murr. May we have control again and success in our gamble free future!

[Meghna83]

Hi murr,

So happy to hear that you are hitting this problem exactly where it will hurt and weaken it and have trouble coming back

With each day that we refrain from it, our habits and brain is recovery and forgetting. Urges weaken to the extent that you have  stopped thinking about it. 

Your debt is going down and with every dollar you add, the closer you are to building up your own savings

I read a few threads of wives with CG husbands who have gambled away hundreds of thousands and who are still in denial about their addiction. I felt terrible reading it as I felt I was the husband causing these wives to lose their lives, peace, trust, happiness. But then I reminded myself that I acknowledged from quite early on, and still do, that I have a gambling problem. 

I do not want to lie, I do not want to hurt my family or friends. I do not wish to lie to myself. I do not wish to gamble with my family’s future. I do not wish to inflict irreparable damage or pain on my closest people. I simply couldn’t live with myself.

I can say today that I am a problem gambler. One bet is simply not enough for me and I

Lose control when I bet. I have made the conscious decision to stop and I did not gamble yesterday nor the day before and I will not gamble today.

Murr we are both on the right track. Heads up and a pat on the back from me friend

[Meghna83]

My return to work has proven to be more of a challenge than I anticipated.

I have been given a lesser role for September which gives me lesser responsibility and has made me extremely anxious and unhappy. I have asked to meet with my boss and am waiting on the reply

I thought about the difficulties faced by returning to work mothers and the injustices and humiliation faced by some, simply because they chose to give life. I find it cruel and corrupt. Who says the western world is more advanced or enlightened with women’s rights? BS in my view and a looong way to go before such claims are made.

I read a few journals online about return to work women and there are so many stories of unfair treatment or demotions and paycuts caused by pregnancy and motherhood

No gambling to add to my load or cloud my judgement

I read a few threads of wives with CG husbands who have gambled away hundreds of thousands and who are still in denial about their addiction.

I can say today that I am a problem gambler. One bet is simply not enough for me and I

Lose control when I bet.

I have made the conscious decision to stop and I did not gamble yesterday nor the day before and I will not gamble today.

I am responsible for the financial damage to my family and I own it.

I pray I will never find myself there again. 

[Meghna83]

Woohoo

Though bad news at work. I’ve been given a lesser position after returning back from maternity leave

I’ve contacted my union who say that because my contract is a generic job description on paper, my employer can get away with it

Had a few tears because of this

Another faint line on the pregnancy test . . .

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