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Hi icandothis,
Thanks again for your ongoing support, I hope you are keeping well and also hope just for today you are enjoying a gamble free day, you are a good person with a good heart and deserve all the happiness life has to give.
Take care and will always wish you well.
Maverick (Lee)
So I thought today was a good day to share all about my life, I have shared this before but can’t honestly remember as to how in depth I have gone but anyway I wanted to share, Icandothis thank you once again for opening this thread for me I am very grateful and for yours and everyones support.
I was at school and a 14 year old boy, I worked hard, didn’t have many friends (but some) my parents brought me up well and taught me right from wrong, in truth they couldn’t have done a better job and I love them very much for bringing me up and looking after me until I made my own way in life. At school I was getting bullied…..pretty bad and most days (in the end I hated going) I managed it the best I could in total it went on for around 3 years, there came a point in my life when I had really had enough (well there were many times I had had enough) I thought about various routes to take (some very final) and I never told my parents as for some reason I never thought I could (they still dont know till this day), one day I decided I have to toughen up and get stronger in life or I wouldn’t be able to stay in this world, so I did, I found a hiding place, a place where all was well, a place I could loose myself, a place (at the time) seem to give me hope, I had started gambling (and winning) soon my reputation got around and changed from the school whipping boy to this lad gambles (illegally, under aged and wins)……well off course to me everything was great, in the space of a few weeks I went from being picked on daily to people wanting to be my friend (this because the money I had and showering people with sweets and treats) I know now its false friendship but I wasn’t getting picked on and for me that was all I was worried about, I changed…….I became someone I wasn’t, someone that wasn’t as nice as the innocent boy I once was (but please understand me I had to change or I honestly believe my life would have ended very prematurely if things had off kept going the way they were). Thats how I started gambling (there was another boy in my year who was popular and he gambled……..I followed his lead and thats how I started) in 1990 when I was at school and won nearly £1000 in a week…….well of course I was going to be popular but it was that incident that set the course of my life.
So I made it through the last of my school years and got average grades, left school and had many different jobs, I worked hard and worked my way up the ladder, landing a great job when I was 20 years old, assistant manager to a massive vehicle workshop that turned over millions a year, the problem was I had turned myself from a young, honest, kind hearted young man into something slightly different, I hadn’t completely change and still retained a lot of the goodness but I had formed an arrogant, “I am it” attitude, that ended up getting me in trouble, I would be in talks with my managers and thinking I am the best I would end walking out of fantastic jobs over silly disagreements knowing I could just walk into another one (and in truth I did) but this did nothing for my stability (was still gambling at this point, wasn’t in any major debt as the jobs I had more than covered up my gambling addiction.
I meet a wonderful women when I was on holiday in 1996 when I was 19 and she was 16 we lived over 100 miles apart but over the years I traveled down to see her every weekend and in the end she moved up to live with me………..that wonderful women is sat 6 foot in front of me watching TV with are two children as I write this share…….some 19 years on.
I moved into my first flat (mortgage) when I was 20 years old, still gambling but I seemed to be in control (if you ever can when gambling – no you can’t) and my (now wife) moved in with me, lived there for around 3 years and then my (now wife) got homesick so I moved with her down south, managed to get a very good job (after a few very bad ones) an then thats when my gambling really spiralled out of control, when I sold my flat I moved down south and managed to clear all my debts, was debt free what a relief, but being down south by myself (part from my (now wife) I was pretty alone, she had a job also and had all her family down there (maybe I used it as an excuse) but I hit gambling really hard, in about 4 years I has managed to get myself into about £40k of debt bearing in mind I had a good job and so did my wife and at this time we didn’t have any children, I gambled everyday, I wanted to and I did, I couldn’t seem to stop and didn’t want to stop, the money was just ammo it never had a meaning (probably because I had lost so much) if I had £100 in my pocket it was nothing I had lost all concept of money.
I gambled, and gambled and gambled and gambled, we moved back to the midlands when my boy was about 1 year old as the cost of living down south was just so much and over the years with what I had lost I couldn’t afford to stay down there.
Back where I grew up I got a job and we rented a flat (I have always worked and there has never been more than a week gone by without me working) the trend continued I gambled and gambled heavy……………..I didn’t want to stop, i couldn’t stop, many nights over the years I have cried to myself thinking why can’t I stop, why dont I stop, what am I doing with my life.
I carried on gambling and carried on losing, always managed to great good jobs but the gambling just got bigger and bigger, I think it was around 2011 about mid summer I decided I wanted to stop and had had enough my little girl had been born the year before and she was now 1 year old, I had a wonderful wife and 2 great children, I still provided for them but still kept gambling and messing up, the difference being from that time in 2011 I wanted to stop, I won’t lie I have slipped in and out of recovery since then but I know recovery and not gambling is honestly were I want to be, I have had good periods of time away from gambling since 2011 but just recently have slipped back into old ways, I am back in recovery and where I want to be, my last day gambled was 10th November 2015 and I strive to make this my last gamble date for once and for all.
My gambling has destroyed many things in life, I have destroyed many things in life, I make the choice to gamble and I make the choice not to gamble, I am a compulsive gambler and I will always be one, but what I want to be is a compulsive gambler in recovery always.
I can’t win if I choose to gamble because I can never stop, I am currently in a hallway and there are many doors, they are all shut apart from one straight ahead and that door leads to my future and whatever I want my life to be……..all the other doors lead back to my gambling days and they all lead me back to gambling at the moment all the doors are shut/closed……I have also managed to lock many of them but there is a table in the middle of the hallway and there are keys left on there………..the keys will always be there tempting me………….but I must constantly remember where my gambling takes me and therefore always follow my heart and stay away from that first bet.
I am a compulsive gamble and when I make the choice to gamble I am the worse person in the world, I want to be me again…….I want to be that innocent, kind hearted, loving boy I once was before I had to make the choice between life and death (sounds very melodramatic but it was where I was at in life) looking back there were many other options but as a 14 year old boy I couldn’t see them at the time.
I am very grateful for what I have learnt in life and in fairness dont turn 39 until the end of this month so God willing still have many years left in me, sorry for going on but just wanted to share a little about my life with you all.
I havent gambled today and yesterday I went to the shops and brought a 21 pence tomato…..something I have never done before (going out walking past a bookies and then spending so little) I really hope things are changing and deep down I know they are.
Thank you all for listening, reading, hearing and understanding, my very best to each and everyone of you, I hope you all can dig deep and stay strong to fight this addiction as always “one day at a time”
“we are all different but very much the same”
Maverick (Lee)
Lorraine I hope you are ok, this addiction baffles me……I hate what I have done because of it but for some reason always go back to it……….at times I am at a complete loss.
Sounds like you have been having a rough ride off it, just wanted to let you know I was thinking off you and wishing you well.
Take care Lorraine and never give up hope.
Maverick (Lee)
Just a quick post to say I have made it through another day gamble free, all we can ever do is take it one day at a time.
I am tired today, a little feed up with a few things, but I haven’t gambled so with that I am happy.
I hope you all have a great weekend and look forward to sharing very soon, take care and wish you all well.
Maverick (Lee)
Thanks for your posts Charles, fair comment and very true, will always keep all options open, I am in a good place at the moment and just for today I will not gamble, I want to be the real me and the only way I can do that is not to gamble, hope you are well Charles and look forward to catching up with you very soon.
Maverick (Lee)
Vera I have to agree with you and love the way you compare it with chocolate……..I am all or nothing with everything I do…….eating chocolate included.
I have been to GA Vera many times but currently dont go for one reason or another, I will be totaly honest with you, I went to a local group and it was full of people who thought they were better than you and I, full of people who didnt care, no sense off help, no sense of support and full off clicky people (as we all experiance at times in our life) after going to this group all I wanted to do was come away and gamble, I went to another GA groupe about a 60 mile round trip for me every monday night and it was fantastic, lovley honest, genuine people who really understood, helped and cared, this is when I had the best time off my life and had a year gamble free in recovery, work comitments changed and I couldnf attend the monday night group any more and eventually slipped back into my old ways.
GA works if the right people (supportive people) are around you but it doesnt if they are not…………..pretty much like life, there are good people, bad people and the inbetween people……I have meet wonderful people at GA and also not so wonderful people at GA, thats life…………just for today I dont attend as I could only attend the group that I know is bad for me.
Vera my friend I hope this finds you well and perhaps we can share some chocolate sometime but not the whole bar!!!!, take care and will always wish you well.
Maverick (Lee)
I have gambled pretty much all my life and decided I had enough around 4 years ago (I think) the mind can get a little scrambled within the madness I create, at that point in my life I had enough I wanted to stop gambling and still to this day I have the same feeling I have had enough and want to stop gambling, before I didnt…….I didnt want to stop and thats the big difference, in the last 4 years or so I have had good periods of recovery off up to a year and not so good periods, I just have to try and find what works best for me and I will.
I am a compulsive gambler but just for today I will not gamble, thanks to everyone for supporting each other, its hard to explain but just to get a quick reply from anyway sometimes makes a massive difference to that persons day.
Take care all and hope this finds you all well.
Maverick (Lee)
Thanks for your kind words and support Velvet, its always good to see you around and read your posts, hope you are keeping well, take care and speak soon.
Lee
Today is a new day and I am feeling very hopeful, I am in a good mind set, working hard at work to keep my job, working hard at home to keep my family and working hard not to gamble to keep my life!!!!!
I promise you all I am not a bad man and honestly believe I have a good heart but when I make the choice to gamble I am the worse person in the world in every aspect, I want to be the real me and that is only possible when I dont gamble.
My name is Lee and I am a compulsive gambler but just for today I will not gamble, thank you for letting me share and listening, I wish each and everyone of you all the very best in the world, this addiction destroys lifes but we can save ours.
Maverick (Lee)
Thanks Sad, Kin and Vera for your support, I have to admit I am really struggling to string any decent gamble free time together at the moment, I really need to get a grip as just for today I feel like my life is just falling apart, I know what I have to do, I know what I need to do but at the moment I am doing anything but that, life can be so very hard at times but I never help myself either.
Anyway thanks for listening just got in fro work after a long day and now going to read to the kids, might be back on later to share exactly how I feel and where I am in life.
Speak soon and my very best to you all.
Maverick
Ican, thank you very much for starting this thread and it is very kind of you, you are a very good person and a pleasure to share with and know. I will use this thread from this day onwards to help myself build a better life for me and my family, I am a compulsive gambler but just for today I make the choice not to gamble and with that I am so very happy.
Thanks again Ican for your kind gesture and I really hope you are keeping well, Lizbeth and Kin thank you also for your support it is always nice to know we are not alone.
Take care and I will share very soon, my very best to all of you.
Maverick (Lee)
Lorraine my friend I know you dont want to hear it………………but it will all be ok in the end, we do many bad things when gambling but we are not bad people always remember that.
Take care my friend and will always wish you well.
Maverick
Keep up the good work JD as we both well know when we choose recovery our lives start to get a lot better very quick.
Take care my friend and wish you well.
Lee
Fritz,
I have just been reading through your journal and wanted to say I wish you well, this addiction destroys lives as I am sure you are well aware.
Great effort and really well done on your gamble free time I am sure your family are very proud of you and you should also be proud yourself, like you I am very lucky to still have my wife and two children in my life even after being a compulsive gambler for over 20 years.
I have been in recovery for around the last 4 years but in truth slipped many times, I read many shares on here often and used to post a lot a year or so back but not as much nowadays for one reason or another.
I felt the need to respond to you as I read your most recent post (I suppose being compulsive gamblers we are on similar wave lengths) and many things you touch on ring true to me just before I have slipped up.
I hope you don’t mind me saying this but I share this in hope you can dig deep and keep fighting, your shares are inspirational and are a pleasure to read, stay strong and you don’t need me to tell you to stop following the stock market I know so I won’t……….only you know what works for you.
I can imagine since 17th February your life has got so much better and deep down I am sure you are a much happier man, “we will get good days and bad days, it’s how we handle them that makes the difference”
Take care my friend and I hope this finds you well, I wish you all the very best in your recovery and life, never stop fighting it is always worth it and in truth happiness can be so hard to find.
Maverick
Mav,
Just wanted to drop in and send you my best, I know how hard it can be my friend, when gambling our lives are like roller coasters…..so many ups and downs but the downs far outweigh the ups and in truth we always end up at the bottom of massive hole we have dug ourselves, I promise you (and I am sure you already know) our lives become so much better everyday we choose not to gamble, I know it is hard but try not to think about the past to much, we cannot change what we have done and all that truly maters is “just for today”, so “just for today” I hope you have a great gamble free day and as you well know you can only ever take life “one day at a time”
I wish you all the very best in your recovery and also life, stay strong, keep fighting and never give in………things do get better.
Lee (aka the original Maverick)