[maverick.]

Thanks for your post and support Lizbeth it means alot to me and will always wish you well.

I dont know where to start really, I was have a chat with someone tonight………..and the question came up (as it usualy does) how much have I lost gambling in my life, now as every compulsive gambler knows it really is impossible to say, you can work out very roughly how much you have lost over the years but I would imagine most of us would say its less than we have as I always feel very embarrased and also sick when I “guess” the amount, to be fair I will always stand by what I have always said “its all relative” £100 to someone is like £1000 to someone else and at the moment £10 to me is like being able to live for another day.

I have got myself deep in this time, I shouldnt have, I have been there before, I should have learned from my mistakes, I havent learned from my mistakes, I promise I will try and learn this time, people are strange creatures at.times and I know for a fact some people lime to see people fail, well there are many different kinds of people in life and I know for one “I will never stop fighting until the fight is through”………………my honest answer tonight to the person who really was trying to help me was “probably around half million but in truth it really is all relative” I find my life very hard to live at the moment but in fairness God is keeping me in the world and I have a wife and kids to love……..so I better say thankyou and as of tomorrow do a better job!

Take care all and wish you all the very best in the world, if I wake up tomorrow breathing I should be so very thankful for that and with that will be happy.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Micky its always good to see you around my friend, glad you managed to have a nice day and stay away from the evil addiction, you know as well as me this addiction will take everything if we let it, keep up the great work in recovery and as always I wish you all the very best in the world.

Hope this finds you well and have a great gamble free day tomorrow, its amazing what we see in life when we dont let gambling blur our vission!!!

Take care Micky and speak soon my friend.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Lizbeth thanks for your post it means alot, I am really sorry to hear you are having such a tough time at the momemt, stay strong and try and do some things that make you happy, I know family can be hurtful at times and like the classic phrase goes “we can choose are friends but not our family”!

Well life for me is still on a downward spiral and I am slipping very fast downhill into a hole I just cant get out, off work at the moment as just cant deal with situation I have put myself in……I started off the day in a great mind set and felt really good, planned lots of stuff and everything turned bad…….just for today I gambled and messed up yet again.

Why? Why? Why?

Maverick

[maverick.]

Thanks for your posts and support Lizbeth, Jen, Micky and Kin,
you are all wonderful people and your posts mean a great deal to me.

I am struggling big time, I have been on a drinking and gambling binge, can’t get my head right, really struggling to get my life back on the right track, I am at a total loss and in a total mess, I need to share how I feel more often, I keep things bottled up and don’t always express how I feel, I look at myself and I seem to have so much anger (dont know why) I get agitated easy at times, I shouldn’t be this angry and I shouldn’t have this much anger inside, just for today I know not who I am, just for today I hate the person I have become, I want to change, I have to change, I must change or I have no life.

I am a lucky man but just for today I don’t feel it.

I gambled today and I hate the torture I put myself through, it has to stop or this will kill me, just for today my life is a complete mess but only I can change it ………….I am exhausted, in debt, confused, hurt, drunk and in despair……….I know God will help me and I know he does but I just need to help myself!!!

My very best to each and everyone of you, I hope my well wishes finds you all well, we live in a tough world full of temptation and I am afraid to say I have no or little will power when it comes to anything, I have good intentions I promise you all that………..however a old man said to me when we were in a pub drinking many years ago “The pathway to hell is full of good intention” who knows maybe he was right and maybe he was wrong but when I decided to pick myself up, give myself a good shake and kick my own ****ing arse I don’t intend to find out!!!!!

Take care all and thank you once again for you constant posts, support, kind words, helpful advice and just being around sharing, it means a great deal to me and more the I could ever explain.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Thanks for the post Vera it means a great deal to me and thankyou for keeping me in your prayers………at the moment I am lost, I am a total mess and in a massive hole, I relate so very much to you and you are doing great my friend, I am honestly so very happy for you, keep doing whatever is working for you and as always one day at a time. Vera you are such a suuport, help and invaluable pressence around here, your words have so much meaning and also so much truth, always look after yourself my friend and look forward to sharing again soon.

Just for today I am down and out, I am at my lowest point (mentaly and phisicaly….well also financialy), at the moment I dont know what to do or where to go but I will figure it all out!

From a lost and confused soul……….God help me…………

Maverick

[maverick.]

Micky thank you for your post and I hope you are keeping well, life is what we make it and at the moment I am not doing much making, just had a massive bust up with my wife and she has said if I am not happy leave (believe it or not its not about my gambling and no I havent cheated on her…….never have and never will), I walked out and I am really upset about the situation……….I dont cry often believe me but just for today I am crying………I cant give anymore, I cant do anymore, I work so hard to give my family everything they need and many things they want but at this moment in time I am at a complete loss as to what to do……….

I am exhausted, upset, angry, hurt, depressed, distressed…….at this moment in time I am sitting in a pub drinking and have £8 left to my name……..there are 3 trainee boxers sitting right by me and trying to intimidate me…….or so I believe and this time I am not wrong, I am wired……..really wired and I know I am about to snap………where is the line between snapping and staying real……..its a fine line…………the problem is I know alot about lines and for some weird reason I always choose to cross them.

Wish each and everyone of you all the very best in your life and also recovery, this addiction is a complete soul destroyer and even when I am not gambling when the going gets really tough I always end up turning to gambling as my release…………as we all well know that only ever leads us to the same place.

I hate what I am, I hate what I have become, I hate myself for doing what I do but you know what there are many people out there who do alot more worse things than me and dont admit they do……….for I know what I do but dont really know why I choose to do it………….

Today I am very lost………………today I am in a complete mess with nothing left to give!!!!

I will pray for tomorrow and who knows what tomorrow has in store.

My love to all…..

Maverick

[maverick.]

Keep posting micky, great to see you doing well as always one day at a time.

Take care my friend and speak soon.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Micky, stay strong my friend and its great to see you posting, you must remember you are here because you want to be and that is a great choice in itself as we both well know, someone once said to me “there is help for whoever wants it”………

You are a good man Micky and please never forget that…….this addiction can take everything and them some…..we both know that also!!

Keep posting and keep working at staying gamble free as always one day at a time, really great to read your post Micky and always good to see you around, keep fighting and never give in, you may have lost the recent battle but you havent lost the war!!!

Stay safe my friend and please keep posting.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Kcc stay strong and stay safe, you know just like me that if we gamble and make that first bet it just sets us off again of that downward spiral………..leading us to despair and total destruction!!

You can do it Kcc and keep using whatever support works for you, you have worked recovery before and you can work it again, I wish you well and keep fighting, this addiction destroys lives and believe you me it has took me to the edge many times……in truth it has sent me over the edge…….just for today I am a good climber and I thank God for that.

Take care and speak soon.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Lizbeth, Kin and Vera thank you all very much for your posts and ongoing support.

Just for today I am broke…..dont have a penny, working very hard to get my life back on track……..I really do have a long way to go…….I have to dig very deep and need to find a way through all this madness.

Just for today I feel beat and discouraged but I know if I wake up tomorrow I can make things work out.

Take care and wish you all well.

Maverick

[maverick.]

When I choose not to gamble my world is fantastic (well fantastic in my eyes anyway) when I choose to gamble my life is one big lie and full of hate and hurt,

These words I speak are the truth and always will be, there is no happiness found when gambling, I am 39 now and still trying to accept that.

Wish you all well and hope you can find the happiness you all so deserve.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Steven and Kin thankyou for your kind words they mean a great deal to me, I hope you are both well and wish you my very best.

Maverick

[maverick.]

When I choose not to gamble I dont just buy the meat I buy the garnish and herbs…………..when I choose to gamble I dont even get the meat!

Life is like a rollercoaster with all the ups and downs and at the end of the ride it all evens itself out……….therefore the ride is so very different to life!

Many people say they understand but in truth I beg to differ…….how can someone understand you if you dont understand youself!

We are born into the world and we have nothing………..we eventualy die and depart from the world and leave with nothing………….the only thing that maters is what we did with our lives while in the world………..and boy have I fu***ng wasted so much of mine gambling………when the time comes God is going to kick my arse and say what were you doing Lee……you had so much more to give……..I wont be able to lie my way out of that one as he knows everything!

Why do I do what I do………..it is me who does it but I know not what I do or why!

All people want is money……….friendship is so very hard to come by nowdays…….there are not many true friends, where has it all gone wrong, what has life become!

Should you have to result to violance to make people leave you alone……….I dont believe you should……….but trust me you do!

Am I a bad man…….I know I am not and have a good heart but yes at times I can be!

Who knows what will be………it will happen and that is it……we just have to go with the flow and enjoy the ride………..I have always hated rollercoaster rides and that is the truth hand on heart…….but hey who believes a compulsive gambler………like a very good friend of mine once said “I told a lie about a lie and then I lied about that”………….never a truer word spoken……..

Just for today I didnt get the meat………

My name is Lee and I am a compulsive gambler along with many other things…………..I am going away for a while as I need to do some serious soul searching………….I am struggling to understand myself and at this moment in time I am not happy with what I do.

I wish you all well and hope you can all find the happiness you all so deserve, life is a gift.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Vera you always make sense and thank you for your post it means alot, hope you are doing well today.

I have been very tempted today to gamble but I havent and I wont, the trigger was a person I work with…….he had a bet and won alot of money and was talking about it, I know the truth and that is if I start gambling again I cant stop and thats just me, I have to always stay away from that first bet as that is the one that opens up that door again leading to the “house of horrors”, yes I was very tempted, yes I knew my trigger and yes I stayed in recovery, “just for today I will not gamble” ” just for today I am happy”, 19 days gamble free and in all honesty it feels really good………..once I have the loan sharks off my back it will feel even better, I shouldnt say it but it is the truth and how I feel so I will “when you owe money you contemplate silly ways to get money to pay your debts off…………..If I wasnt under pressure to pay the loan sharks I know these thoughts wouldnt even enter my head” just wanted to share how certain things in life can set people of down the wrong path.

As always thankyou for listening, supporting, helping, sharing and most importantly understanding me.

Take care and my very best to each and everyone of you.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Just wanted to drop in and wish you well female g, I have been meaning to share with many but just been so busy, on my lunch so thought I would make a couple of posts, really hope you are doing well and thanks for your ongoing support as always, take care and speak soon, all the very best.

Maverick

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