[maverick.]

I did it, stay strong, hope the black cloud passes over as I know it will, the alternative is that sickening feeling deep inside that we cant get shot of for weeks, you are a good person with a good heart, keep fighting my friend.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Life is so very precious and I have wasted so much of mine, I never seem to listen to my own honest voice, but listen all too much to my corrupt gambling addiction voice, just for today I am at a loss as to what to do, I seem to be so weak and have so little will power over my actions!, I am such a weak man and this gambling life has drained every ounce off goodness out of me.

Just for today I am a beaten man, with no hope and cannot see any light at the end of any tunnel, I feel my life in this world is coming to a end and in truth I honestly don’t feel I have a lot of goodness to offer anyone anymore.

Just for today I have no hope, I have nearly made 40 years old but just fallen shy by two days, life is hard and I cannot control this evil addiction any more, I have fought it for over 25 years and still not been able to remove it from my life………

I honestly……….hand on heart…….just don’t know where to go……..I need help……………….

Thank you all for listening, wish you all the very best in the world in your life and recovery.

Take care, from a true friend

Maverick

[maverick.]

Kin and Vera as always my friends thank you very much for your kind posts they really do mean a great deal to me, I hope you are both keeping well, look after yourselfs and take care.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Kin my friend so very happy to see you have found peace, you are a good soul and God knows it, look after yourself and stay strong in recovery, we could never find peace or happiness while gambling but we can have it all in recovery, really glad you are doing well Kin and wish you all the very best.

Maverick

[maverick.]

I-did-it,

Its always good to read your posts and listen to your thoughts, you are a good person and I will always wish you well.

I hope life is treating you fair and all I can say is carry on doing what works for you, as we all well know we can only ever do what we know works for us and if it works keep doing it and if it doesnt than we try something else, simple as that, I am very happy you are doing well and enjoying your life you really do deserve it, as we both well know happiness can be so hard to find.

Take care my friend and like I say just keep doing what works for you, I wish you all the happiness in the world and keep sharing as your posts are a joy to read, all the very best.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Just for today I will not gamble.

Maverick

[maverick.]

I have no concept of the importance of money when I gamble, after the event I fully comprehend the massive hole I have just dug and most times a lift couldn’t get me out of them!

Believe it or not I am quite an intelligent man (yeah right) how can I write that after what I have done, well I have an important job, helping and advising a lot of people on many technical issues along with also dealing with hundreds of people face to face on a daily basis helping out with there very many issues………….these people don’t know about my addiction or what I have done……………..it reminds me of a song I used to like (and still do in truth), by Smokey Robinson and The Miracles called The Tracks Of My Tears, I wont paste a link as that’s not me but if you don’t already know it search for it and have a listen, either way its a classic song but I can relate to it.

God why did I ever gamble and place that first bet as a 14 year old boy those many years ago and why on earth did the bloody thing win!!!!!!, I have asked this question myself so very many times and the answer I have come up with is if I hadn’t of made that bet and so very many for the few years after I wouldn’t have had a hiding place through the later parts of my school years and in truth I probably wouldn’t be in the world now……who knows it is what it is.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Gambling has taken my money, my time, my sanity, my wife, my children, my mother, my farther, my brother, my sister, my jobs, my houses, my cars, my self respect, my life and my soul, all because I let it, I had and always had the power to stop it whenever I wanted too but I didn’t………I just went with the flow and kept riding the rollercoaster until it got out of control, the problem with that is……..it never regains control unless you take control.

Maverick

[maverick.]

I get paid and on the same day I loose all my wages gambling………that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

I go out to go shopping and on the way I stop at a bookies and loose all my money and go home with nothing……..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

I lie to my wife to obtain money so I can go and gamble……..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

I have borrowed money from banks, family, friends and loan sharks, lost inheritance money just so I can go and gamble………that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

I have risked my job many times and not been as honest as I have should of been also many times……….that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

I popped out once a few years ago to get some medicine for one of my children who was very poorly, I left with over £100 in my pocket and the medicine was less than £5, on the way I popped in to the bookies and forgot about what I was going out for, lost everything and went home empty handed………….that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

I was having a romantic dinner with my wife for her birthday and I popped out half way through to place a bet at a bookies just round the corner, not paying her the time or the full attention she so deserved……..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

I have become a compulsive liar………..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

I have had so very many mythical accidents, speeding tickets, parking tickets and parking fines……….that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

My wife loves and she also hates me……….that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

My mother and farther love me but also hate me……..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

My brother and sister have disowned me……….that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

I have missed birthday gatherings, Christmas gatherings and special occasions……..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

I have lost more money than anyone could dream off, lost more time than anyone could imagine and felt so lost and hopeless more times than I have had hot dinners………that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

I am a very bad person at times……….that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

I hate what I have done, I hate what I have become, I hate the person I show myself to be………..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler,

I am hear now trying hard to change, working hard in my life to become the real person I am and the true person I want to be……………..that’s because I am a compulsive gambler.

Maverick

[maverick.]

So I am at work and just on a break so thought I will make a quick post.

I have been struggling big time recently over the last few weeks (more so than I ever have as far as I can remember), in truth it is only me who can make the changes I need to make to stay gamble free, I know what I have to do and I just have to do it, simple as that!!

I am 40 in about 2 weeks and I dont want to carry on in the same way as I have for the last 26 years!, it gets exhausting, I am fully responsible for my gambling and it is all my own doing and I have no one else to blame, I know this, I understand this and most importantly I accept this, I will keep fighting this addiction and I will keep trying, I know what grief, stress, hurt and pain gambling not only causes me but also to the ones I love and I will also work hard one day at a time to make amends for the wrong I have done towards people.

In short just for today I am living with the ramifications of the choices I have made, just for today I accept that.

Must get back to work and earn some money, like all compulsive gamblers and I am no different………I know how hard it is to earn money just to live but wouldnt think twice about putting a weeks wages on a bet that would be lost in 60 seconds!!!, what madness, God how does my mind work this way……think a need a complete rewire of the brain.

Take care all, thanks for listening and wish you all well.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Hi Steven, thanks for your post and really happy to hear you are doing well, keep up the great effort and I am sure and also hope you are experiancing the happiness that you could never find while gambling, keep fighting and staying strong and so very happy to see you doing well, all the best my friend and hope to hear from you soon.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Vera and Kin, thankyou for yor posts they mean alot to me, thankyou for taking the time to post and care.

I am a compulsive gambler, just for today I will not gamble.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Lizbeth thank you very much for you post, kind words and support, knowing what you are going through and all the stress you are having in your life you taking the time to post and think about me means all the more, I hope you are keeping well and really hope life gives you all the happiness you so deserve, take care my friend and will always wish you well, look after yourself and never give up.

So I am here now and have to say my last day gambled is today!, I am going to break the pattern and I am going to stop, this is my last day gambled and my last bet, I honestly cant do this anymore, gambled has destroyed him and took me to within a inch of my life……….but there will be no more!

I am a compulsive gambler and today was my last bet , just for today I sit here now playing games with my kids and the wife is having a well deserved girls night out, I am many things in life and a compulsive gambler is one of them but I do and will always love my wife and children.

Thanks for listening as always and all I can say is tomorrow is another day and I thank God for that, I am alive and kicking and just for today thats all that maters.

Maverick

[maverick.]

So it’s been 6 days since I last posted on my journal…….it’s scary stuff how life can change so much in 6 days, I am afraid to say that in those 6 days I have gone from being in deep trouble to being in the deepest pile of brown smelly stuff anyone can possibly imagine!!!!!!, In fairness to many of my recovery friends I know and love “if nothing changes then nothing changes” and that is where I am falling short!

I am in a complete mess, I have taken the whole week off sick from work, drank silly amounts (as usual) gambled silly amounts (also as usual) and sitting here now wondering how I can move forward in life, dont get me wrong, I have fixed leaking taps and water leaks, dropped and picked the kids from school, treated them to this that and the other and spent some really nice quality time with them, when they dont see it and have gone to bed thats when I have been at my worst, work have been giving me a hard time for not going in and I think thats a right f###ing joke as they dont even pay me for being sick!!!

Alot of things in life are really p###ing me off and my boy is getting a hard time again at school, I went down there yesterday and nearly lost the plot……only because I care and love him……I hate seeing anyone in life being hurt or bullied, I know for sure I started gambling because I was being picked on and needed some sort of escape/release……..say what you will I know that to be fact as it was and is my life.

Life can be bloody hard work at times and I hate the person I have become, I also hate alot of things in life but on the other hand I love a great deal also, I am what I am and have become what I have become!!!

Just for today I dont like the person I am, but thats just life, only I can change that person but at the moment I cant see much hope, I will keep looking and keep searching but at the moment just cant see any light……

Thank you for listenng, reading and maybe understanding, it means a great deal to me, my very best to each and everyone of you in your recovery and also life.

Take care and hope this finds you all well.

Maverick

[maverick.]

Lizbeth you are a loving women with a very kind heart and thanks for all your support, I really hope the stresses in your life start to ease and one day at a time I hope you can live and enjoy a happy life.

Take care my friend and my very best to you.

Maverick

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