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maverick.Participant
Vera thanks for your post, I know what you mean and at any given time it only takes a second to make the wrong choice, it’s strange how life works I have to admit because when I look deep there is (and has always been) another road for me to take apart from the gambling one, I just kept going down the same road over and over again……..guess what I kept getting the same outcome!! (as we both well know)
I just wanted to share this, I woke up this morning (thank God for that) and whilst making the kids breakfast I was thinking about gambling today, I had a restless night and didn’t sleep well at all, so ok I have thought it through and I am going to share the outcome’s.
1. I choose to gamble and lose!
So I (obtain) money and place a bet, it loses so I start chasing obtaining money by any way possible and that means the hole I am in just gets deeper and deeper, hurt more people, keep gambling, cause more pain and suffering not just to me but to others, people I love and care about, more stress, keep on gambling and keep on digging, more importantly what it means is all those doors I have closed (by working my recovery and making the choice not to gamble) will be opened again and in my compulsive gambling mind it’s ok to keep gambling (in my real mind I know it is far from OK to keep gambling), so here is a sum to make it simple for me as at times I am a very intelligent but at other times thick as two short planks (I can say this but no one else lol)
Gamble + lose = lose
2. I choose to gamble and win!
I again (obtain) money by any means in any way shape or form (lies), I place a bet and I win…….great……….no, so I win and I keep gambling because when I gamble that’s what I do I keep gambling I cannot stop gambling when I am gambling, now this is a fact I know this because I have done it for 25 years, I keep winning………….great…………no, because in the end because I cannot stop I keep gambling then either later toady or tomorrow or if I am very lucky I will get to Tuesday and the would have lost everything, then I have to (obtain) money because I have to gamble because all the doors I have shut when I stop gambling I have opened back up by making the choice to gamble, I keep gambling, keep digging a bigger hole, hurt more people, neglect more people and lose the most important thing to me (time with my family), so the sum for this one is,
gamble + win = lose
3. This is my choice, just for today I will not gamble, I am a compulsive gambler and I know I have to stay away from that first bet, I know by staying away from that first bet my life isn’t perfect but it’s where I want it to be!
Don’t gamble + Recovery = Happy life
Thanks for listening and hope you all enjoy the rest of the weekend, wish you all well.
Maverick
maverick.ParticipantIcandothis, just wanted to drop in and wish you well, really sorry to hear of your loss of your friend, you mention you could have been a better friend but in truth Ican everyone of us could have been a better person at some point in our lives towards friends & family and in turn we could also have been a lot worse, you were a friend and that is more than good enough, remember the good things and not the bad, I love the Priest quote about working on yourself in her honour that makes perfect sense to me.
Take care my friend and hope this finds you well, keep fighting, keep trying and never give in.
Maverick
maverick.ParticipantC21, I have just read your post and can relate to what you say and also how you feel, firstly well done and thanks for sharing, this addiction can be a nightmare (as we both well know) and unless we do everything within our power to stop the pain just keeps getting worse and worse, like you I dug myself such a hole I couldn’t get out, credit cards, loans, loan sharks, overdrafts, friends, family…….I owed everyone, then Bankruptcy……..then after that loan sharks again, anyway I am sure you get the picture (still paying debts back now), I am trying hard to stay gamble free and like you deep down I know there is no happiness to be found when I gamble.
Really glad you are here and have found this site, so many people on here like you and me but the good news is there is hope.
Take care and wish you well, keep sharing and hope you can stay gamble free “one day at a time”.
Maverick
maverick.ParticipantJonny, just wanted to say really well done on your recovery time, it’s amazing the difference we feel when we choose not to gamble and it’s frightening how quick our lives start to get better as the gamble free days go by, look after yourself and keep heading in the right direction, take care.
Maverick
maverick.Participant“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
There is always hope Kin as we both well know, look after and be kind to yourself!
Take care my friend and speak soon.
Maverick
maverick.ParticipantI am Sherlocked, just wanted to drop in and say well done for sharing, I am sure you have read many posts on here and discovered you are far from alone, Vera’s post sums it up to a tee “endless cycle” we just have to stop the cycle (easier said than do at times I know), anyway just wanted to wish you all the very best and keep sharing, take care and enjoy the weekend.
Maverick
maverick.ParticipantThanks for your post Lizbeth, hope you are enjoying the weekend.
Just a quick post to say “just for today I will not gamble” I wont lie I was tempted but I thought it through and I just cannot bring myself to do it anymore, I am sick of destroying my life over and over again, I have a payment plan to settle my debts and I am determined to stick to it, its simple all I have to do is keep working hard and keep making the choice “just for today I will not gamble” and I know for a fact everything else will just fall into place.
Maverick
maverick.ParticipantI-did-it, I hope this finds you well, just wanted to drop in say hello and send you my well wishes, like you so rightly say and I agree I honestly believe all marriages need working on…….I know mine has, is and will always have to be and I believe that’s just life……….like a well known saying I loving quoting “show me the perfect person and I will show you a liar”, as always this is only my opinion but people who say they have a perfect marriage and never have any disputes I would find very hard to believe but hey if they do then great!
Likewise again only my honest opinion but I believe many marriage’s break up because people don’t want to put the work in to make them work (please no one quote me on this) as I also know many marriages break up for various different reasons that I totally understand why.
What I am trying to say I-did-it (in a very long winded way) I agree with you, I don’t have the “perfect” marriage (whats the perfect marriage) and I have to work at it just like you, but I do have the women I love and that’s all that matters.
I don’t really know what’s gone on and that’s none of my business I know but all I can say is what I do, listen to all, take the bits that are useful, good, helpful and healthy for me and leave the rest I don’t want.
Really sorry to hear you are feeling judged but please keep posting and sharing your thoughts, like many journals on here I love reading yours, plus you never know when something small you share (unknowingly) may give hope to another soul.
I-did-it, hope you have a great weekend and remember “what other people think about you is there problem, not yours”
Maverick
maverick.ParticipantJust for today life is good, no wait a minuite just for today life is great, thats because just for today I am not gambling and in turn the rest of my life just seems to fall into place.
I owe alot of money and in truth I have always owed alot of money, this is purley because I am a compulsive gambler, I have made yet another plan to pay everything back at a managable rate being sure not to over stretch myself and making sure I become tempted to gamble to pay off debts (we all know that never works but its the lie I tell myself to give me the excuse to gamble), I have alot to answer for I really do but in fairness I have always looked after my wife and children and I always will, just like I will always have to fight this addiction, it will always be with me but I know if I can stay gamble free one day at a time then I become ten times the man that I am when gambling.
I except I cannot change what I have done but in all honesty I believe everything happens for a reason and I have learnt alot over the years, about life, about people and about myself, I have always said there are alot of things in this world that I rate above money and in truth money is pretty low on my being important list!, I know we need it to live, rent, mortgage, bills, food but in fairness thats were its importance stops, I have always wanted to get my hands on money just so I can place my next bet, thats it nothing else purley so I can place my next bet!, just for today I dont have any money but just for today I dont need any, I have myself, my piece of mind and my happy state, God thank you for helping me understand this.
I have a very close friend who has just found out he has less than 3 months to live (cancer stage 4), he is a sucsessful business man and has plenty of money, I know for a fact he would give everything he has away just to spend one extra day in this world with the people he knows and loves (who wouldnt) ……………money……….whats it real worth……..”we bring nothing into the world and we take nothing out”
Hope this finds you all well, always keep fighting and never give in, there will be good days and there will be bad, we just have to make the most of whatever each day brings, we cannot change yesterday and we dont know what will happen tomorrow, all we have is today and must live in the now!
Maverick
maverick.ParticipantKin, stay strong my friend and as we both well know God will always look after us and show us the way, he has shown me the way many times in my life and I have ignored him so many times…..that is my sin, I will try to listen and move my life forward but I wanted to share with you and also wish you well, you are a very good person with a good heart, all we can ever do is keep trying to improve our lives, take care my friend and hope this finds you well, life is like a roller coaster with all the ups and downs…….I am afraid to say for us compulsive gamblers the downs far outweigh the ups!
Wish you well Kin.
Maverick
maverick.ParticipantMicky, we find our selves here sharing about the bad stuff we do and the trouble we have created………….ok so yes we have messed a lot of things up but you know what……..we have an addiction, a very bad, compulsive, evil addiction that will take everything from us and after it has taken everything it will finally take our lives, it wont stop, it has no line it shouldn’t cross………
Me and you have know each other for a while my friend and in truth I believe we both know how each other “tick” so to speak, I know for a fact you are a good man as I can tell in previous coversations we have had, the lives we lead our very similar but also so very different, I believe you understand what is going on in my mind and in turn I understand the thoughts going through yours (trust me there is not many who could understand mine and in truth no one would want too).
The long and short of this Micky is I really cant be bothered with life at the moment and I see you are probably very much the same, I am such a **** at times and I struggle to understand why my friend but you know what…….everything happens for a reason…..
Our paths have crossed in life and there is a reason for that, I don’t know why but I believe deep in my heart it is so we can help each other, anyway I have said enough and I know at times I really cant be bothered with what anyone says!
Keep sharing Micky no matter what, I for one miss not sharing with you and in truth the more I stay away from this site the more I fall back into my addiction, I hope one day we can meet up and share and enjoy a day where gambling does not control and consume us.
Look after yourself Micky whatever is going on in your life, I know we can both work this out and I also know we can both live happy content lives, in the short term please share your pain with me and I will with you, I understand your pain and feel it I promise you I do………I have always said no one in this world understands me but just for today I will admit I am wrong and honestly believe you do!
Micky keep sharing, lets get shot of this very bad year and lets work hard together in making 2017 the very best we can.
Take care and as always my friend wish you all the very best in the world.
Maverick
maverick.ParticipantLizbeth & Jonny thanks for your posts and hope you are both keeping well.
I sit here now and openly admit I have screwed my life up, I have had chance after chance so many times and every single time I choose to let my addiction win and I fall back into the habit I only know too well.
I am 40 now and feel totally destroyed, totally drained, down and out, I know it is only how I feel at this point in life and I know tomorrow If I do the right things then it will be that little bit better.
God I know I have destroyed my life and I also know it is all my own doing, I hate the life I lead and the life I have created for myself, I am many things to many people but to myself I am a failure, I am not looking for sympathy and I am not looking for advice, I just want to share as free as I can on my thread, honestly and openly, so for that thanks to GT.
I know what I have to do to survive in life but at the moment I am not doing it and I haven’t been doing it for a while, its up to me and only I can change my life, I am on the edge and if I don’t stop soon I will end up 10 foot under, I know that for sure, I love my wife and I also love my children but even still I choose to gamble, I look at my life and think you are a evil, evil man……..but in truth I am not, I have an addiction that I cannot get under control, I have before but it is running me ragged at the moment, believe what you will it is my life………..my life to destroy or my life to live………
Maverick
maverick.ParticipantThanks for your posts and support, Vera, Ican and Lizbeth I hope you are all keeping well although I know and read you all have your own troubles.
In truth life is a nightmare at the moment for one reason or another and I cant explain how draining it is, the only consolation is I know it will get better, have to work now so will post more when I get a spare second.
Wish everyone well and hope you all have a good day, just for today I will not gamble.
Maverick
maverick.ParticipantToday I gambled and I know I messed up, tomorrow I will do better, I am devastated but I cannot change what I have done.
Maverick
maverick.ParticipantThanks for all your posts and support it is greatly received.
Charles you are a very good man, I am very happy to know you and your post made me laugh (in a good way), as we both well know if nothing changes then nothing changes right? Well I suppose I was guilty of changing nothing and honestly thought I would be able to beat the addiction with not having every barrier possible in place……and off course I couldn’t.
1. I have changed my bank details at work so all my wages go direct into my wife’s account (I have no access to that what so ever)
2. I have banned from all the remaining places I have kept gambling (new places I found after banning from my original locals), not impossible to find new places but will be a right pain and effort to get to!
3. I have only one bank account and card and my wife will drip feed money into it (from my wages) as and when I need, will provide receipts for every penny spent.
4. I have started to go back to GA meetings although the local meeting I go to I just don’t like and really struggle to interact with the people, I used to drive 1 hour each way to go to a GA meeting that was over 40 miles away once a week because I liked it so much and really found it worked miracles for me (while attending I had nearly 1 year gamble free), I will keep trying, unable to make that meeting anymore due to work and looking after the kids, I know some people will say you made time to gamble so make time to go to a meeting, I have and I do but just cant make the time to spare 3 and half hours on a Monday night anymore, as we all know our circumstances change.Anyway what number are we on………..well blah de blah de blah enough said!
I would like to thank each and everyone of you for your ongoing support and help, your words and meaning mean a great deal to me and I promise myself that just for today I will be the best person I can possibly be, take care and wish each and everyone of you all the very best.
I am old and feel even older but at least I am still in the world and I thank God for that.
At the moment I am trying to manage my financial situation and I have come to the conclusion that if I live and work until 75 years old all will be well!!!!!!!! but you know what a wise man told me many years ago, don’t worry about tomorrow as today has enough trouble of it’s own…………just for today I will concentrate on today.
Maverick
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