[marcusmaximus]

Day 8
A quick check in. Still gamble free so trying to give myself some credit for that.
I try and deflect thoughts of damage done to my finances, the time I have wasted and tell myself I can’t change things now. I have to finally learn from it and NEVER go back.
I still have some great relationships around me, if I continue I would be in danger of losing them for sure. I pushed my luck to limit really and lost.
The future can be a lot brighter without gambling. I have slid to the bottom of a big mountain, I am thinking I am grateful to be still alive. I need to dust myself off and slowly pick my way back up that mountain, being far more careful in every step taken.
So I am trying to wake up everyday, check in with myself and go through a plan for the day. Be grateful for the small things and look after those around me and myself too.
It will be hard, I will not try do things all by myself this time. There are others around on this journey.

[marcusmaximus]

Day 5
Wages still in my account. Have kept myself busy and have no urge to try and gamble still.
I’m thinking I am going to carry a scar from gambling exploits for ever, but I am hoping in time I can consider that scar as something to remind me of the harm gambling can do and how I am not going to go through that pain again.
Real tough to manage regrets, what ifs, however nothing can be changed now. It could be even worse, so trying to focus on the things that I do have.
Thinking I am not going to post for a few days. I am going to try and occupy myself in other things.
Thoughts can be all consuming sometimes. Gambling ups and downs have basically consumed me for the last 6 months. I need to try and clear the fog in my head.

[marcusmaximus]

Closing out day 4
Big 24 hours coming up. Get paid tomorrow. So plan in place to avoid temptations.
Easter break coming up and I have 2 weeks off from next week which is a twin edged sword. Great as I am off work, but problematic if I have spare time on my hands.
Plan in going in place for that. A big DIY job at home needs doing. Then am going away for a few days with my partner which will be great. Something booked from before my latest bender.
From past experience I know keeping busy after a binge can help take my mind off things.
Past experience has also shown I can throw myself into other things then return to gambling again.
After the Easter break I will look for a routine where I am maintaining my journal, dropping into support groups on here and attending GA. Really try and focus on my recovery and how to maintain gamble free status.
Life could be a lot simpler and easy right now if I wasn’t a gambler. I really know I want that simple life now. Up to me to get there and stay there.

[marcusmaximus]

Start of day 4
Been thinking about how my mindset can try and deal with letting go of what I have been through. Wasted days, hours, not putting 100% into relationships at times, the financial losses.
I am going to tell myself I maxed out on a big trip away, a long trip. It was a reckless purchase, yeh. The trip wasn’t worth it, it took me to some crazy places, where I spent lots of money. So yeh, ultimately it was a waste of time and money.
I learned things on the trip though. Things about myself. That I need to improve myself but not be too hard on myself all the time. I need to try and let go of things. Stop looking at what other people have got.
I have learned some big life lessons the hard way. The most important thing I learned is that gambling gets you nowhere but down.
I can relate it to other things I have done. Sometimes we visit places, hotels, restaurants, cafes whatever. If they were no good we don’t go back there right.
Now I have returned from the trip. It’s time to rebuild some stuff, improve all the time, never ever, ever be complacent. Get on with living a life.
Life is short. I have told myself that before. This time I want to try and make the most of it. Money or no money in my account it doesn’t matter. What matters is a healthy life in as many aspects as possible.
Onwards and upwards. Maybe sideways sometimes! But never back down.

[marcusmaximus]

Closing out day 3
No big urges to gamble as yet, still feeling sick about it.
I am getting ready with a plan for Friday though. I get paid weekly and my money goes in.
So in bed well before 12 tomorrow night, when the money goes in. I have blown that straightaway before. Not this time.
Up early before work Friday, out for a walk, get back to some exercise. Shower, breakfast and go. No phone surfing and temptation. Not this time.
Back from work, got a DIY job to do that I’ve been making excuses about for ages. Then a nice, undistracted evening with my partner. Phone upstairs out of the way. No evening checking weekend tips. Not this time.
Gamban is in place, my card is also blocked. There is no betting again. Not this time.

[marcusmaximus]

Start of day 3
So done 2 days without gambling. Been thinking deeply about the whole aspects of lots of issues about gambling and why it is a curse for those of us with a compulsive nature.
A positive point is if I have 2 days without I can do 2,4,8 and so on. A gambler mentality when building an accumulator perhaps, but it shows it can be done.
The negative slant on that is that I have little actual ability to place any bets, I have little money left and I feel so sick with myself that I just don’t have any interest in it right now.
Past experiences have shown that I have often started betting again when I get to feel a little comfortable or complacent. I think there is that certain amount of money I could just bet that and have a win, then I lose and another slide starts.
Like Snakes and ladders, but gambling is choc full of snakes for sure, with very few ladders. Yes, some people get to the top of the board and win big. Most slide right back down again. I’ve done it myself.
Betting companies love to publicise a punter who won big from a small stake. “The punter who won £50,000 from a £5 bet”. Why? Because it gives us all hope. It’s that hope of the massive win that keeps us hanging on. Checking the football results, the lottery tickets and so on. The reality is it’s 1 punter in millions of us. The betting companies are not being bankrupted, they win, we lose.
Most people can bet within their means and have a flutter on the football every weekend or buy a lottery ticket. That’s fine and dandy. But us compulsive gamblers can’t do that, gambling is far more than a flutter. We are often betting to try and chase a loss.
Most people bet for a buzz of excitement or for taking a risk. Probably how we actually started our “journeys”. They can walk away though, we mostly can’t. Maybe we can leave it for a while, but then we are drawn back.
We all need to look closely at the reasons why we gamble? Why can’t we just walk away sometimes? So I lost £10, £100, whatever amount, so what? Why do I have to bet again to chase that? It’s huge, the way are brains are wired, the psychology of it all. There is some deep stuff in all of us that needs really unearthing. Maybe like a plot of land. We need to really work on it. Pull out all the weeds, tend the ground before something REALLY GOOD can grow. We need to maintain that ground, KEEP working on it. Don’t neglect it to maintain the growth.
That’s what I really need to do this time. Unearth the deep stuff that does make me a problem gambler.
Why do I throw it away when I am in a great position? Why am I not content?
I can do that by really looking at myself this time. By being on here and posting my thoughts, by reading how others are tackling it, by being in the chat rooms regularly. By attending GA meetings, counselling maybe too if I can’t get to the roots of it all.
The short term will be tough. Unearthing everything and the groundwork I need to put in will be draining. It will be tough financially to build things up again.
I will need to show proper self control this time and not be neglectful EVER.
Short term pain for long term gain. The future can be so much brighter without gambling.
At the end of the day money is money. So what! We have it or we don’t, so what! In reality there is a lot more problems in the world than that. We fall into are own little world, on our own chasing money, betting companies want us all on our own, like playground bullies, preying on us. Feeding free bets to keep our interest, advertising the big winners. We can beat it if we STAY strong, don’t get left on our own, strength in numbers, COME ON I/WE can do it!!!

[marcusmaximus]

Early evening Day 2
Trying to do things differently this time to put things in place for recovery.
Registered with Gamstop today. To think I never did it before seems a bit crazy now. I thought I could be strong enough not to need it plus as it is a subscription service I didn’t want to pay for it! At £2.50 a month, less than the price of a coffee at most places! I now see it as an investment in my recovery and as I have spent hundreds on 1 spin of a wheel then it’s madness not too!
I got through an important time after work. I would often come home, be in the house on my own before my partner returned from work for example and have that as betting time. Particularly if something during the day had wound me up or when I was chasing losses. Generally things got worse and it inevitably would affect my mood in the evening. Plus it was also time to look at tips for football matches later in the evening. This would leave some of my evenings watching a game I wasn’t actually that interested in, it was for betting purposes to generate excitement or constant checks on my phone to check the scores making me distracted from anything else going on.
A big downfall has also been surplus money in my account. Right now I just can’t bet I am basically down to zero. So when hopefully I do build up extra I will put it in an easy access savings account. So I can get it when I really need it and stop any temptation for really big gambling benders on my bankcard.
So today I left my phone in the car deliberately, went into the house and just sat down with a cup of tea. My mind is still obviously whirring like mad after a recent relapse but at least I was not actually involved in gambling or scrolling through sports betting tips. In future hopefully this can be a time when I just can learn to just chill out, read, exercise again, go walking. Walk into town, buy a magazine and sit in a coffee shop. Anything to prevent the urges.
Life could certainly be more comfortable and fulfilling without gambling. I think we all reaĺly know that. It’s about stopping those little demons that encourage us to have that first bet. I am thinking just now that I don’t really care if I stay a bit skint forever and don’t try and win big to cover holidays or whatever else I convinced myself I could buy if I gambled. I would rather be skint and have peace of mind that I don’t gamble.

[marcusmaximus]

Start of Day 2
Firstly I would like to thank Zoya, Charles and Slotjunkie for the chats they had with me yesterday. Particularly Charles who gave me plenty of ideas how to put things in place to stop and to put things in perspective. The chat groups are so useful.
I have now registered with Gamstop and messages are coming through about accounts being closed down. I will also be self excluding from bookmakers shops. As that leaves potential to bet again.
I will also be attending gamblers anonymous. I have done this before but paid it lip service. I never went on Gamstop back then, yes, I self excluded from a lot of sites, I put a block on my lap top. I blocked my bank card (this was able to be unblocked with a 3 day wait, not enough for someone with an appetite for destruction). But I never blocked my phone, or excluded from bookies.
I realise I just wasn’t committed enough, guess I always thought I could go back. Control it this time, maybe experience the buzz of winning again.
Now I have had a bit of a “light bulb” moment. I CAN’T control it, gambling controls me. I am not able, to have a fun bet, maybe that is sad, but at the end of the day I CAN be better off without the need to gamble.
This time I can stop for good. I can’t look back. What is gone is gone. I can use this experience to be a better man.
Those moments when I used to jump about the room and clench my fists after a big win (that I would inevitably give back) Can be replaced by a clenching of fists that at the end of the day I HAVE NOT GAMBLED.

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