[marcusmaximus]

Day 57
Checking in. Spent a good few days trying to forget about the damage done. Focus on the good things I do have in my life.
Monthly pay has gone into my account. Paid off some money I had to put on a credit card when I was at pretty much zero in my bank account.
Should have enough to see me through the next month.
Staying aware of where I am at, the worst enemy I can face is almost certainly myself. If I don’t fall into the traps, recognise the consequences of having another bet, no matter how small I can be ok.
Laying solid foundations this time. So that when the urges come things stay solid.

[marcusmaximus]

Day 45
Still going gamble free. Not had any significant urges to gamble. Still rebuilding my life, my inner world. Starting to become more settled again.
I know those urges could come back anytime. If I become more settled I am more likely to get complacent. So I will always need to be aware. I am a compulsive type of person. I am “wired up” that way. I can accept that now, learn to deal with it.
Just been watching the news. Highlights of The Eurovision semi final were on. During the interval there was a touching duet between a singer from Liverpool and the Ukraine. They sang Ordinary World by Duran Duran. Some lyrics from that song really resonate with me now:

“But I won’t cry for yesterday
There’s an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive”

By understanding and dealing with my demons I can live in an ordinary world.

[marcusmaximus]

Day 40
40 days of daze!
Often I have felt unable to do anything, just sitting and wondering what have I done? However if I continue to do this it means gambling still has me in it’s grip.
Those feelings are lessening and I need to try and keep telling myself the money is gone now. I blew it on a big trip, a business deal that went wrong, I got scammed, I had to pay a huge fine. It happens. Move on and rebuild.
Carry the scar, but learn to live with it. Use it to remember the consequences of my actions, always.
So treating 40 days as a bit of a milestone. Giving myself a bit of credit for staying out of further trouble.
Slowly establishing some positive routine in my life. Exercising again, eating regular meals and taking more sustained interest in cookery. If I eat well, I think well. Cutting right down on drinking and smoking.
Establish some proper, sustainable, positive habits. That’s what I want long term.
Short term, keep going day by day, stay gamble free. Try and enjoy the simple things, Pick up further interests.
Keep posting my thoughts and use the drop in chats on here. Thanks to Charles and Slotjunkie for your support and positivity last night. Recovery is not something we can do alone, I have finally sussed that out!
Work towards another 40 days, if I do that things can be better again.
If I can do 40 days, anybody can. Keep doing the right things, make the right choices.
Stay committed to the best version of me.
Good luck all, we can’t change the past but we can change our future.

[marcusmaximus]

Day 37
Posting a day earlier than planned as got a busy day tomorrow.
I know I will never shake off the regret but I have to use it in a positive way to be a better person.
In control of my actions, in control of my life.
The changes to the gambling laws were long overdue but too late to save some of my heavy losses. That has bugged me but there you go, maybe I would have still blown all my spare cash, only more slowly, and lost even more time.
It’s so hard to forget but I must. Day by day, try not to look back, only forwards, no more slip ups. Be grateful for what I do have.
Gambling is a curse for those of us with a compulsive nature. It’s a no go zone. The only way is down.
I look forward to a new chapter in my life. I am a bit skint but I don’t care, I can make do, things can hopefully get better again in the future. I will not lose my way again, just stick to the path, keep going, I will get there.

[marcusmaximus]

Hello Rami
I read your good words.
I am thinking that there is only false hope in gambling but there is real hope in recovery.
Yes, no matter how tough it is, we must accept the money we lost is gone. Yes, we never had it in the first place is a good way of looking at it.
This is an opportunity to start living a much better life.
Stay strong and keep going.

[marcusmaximus]

Day 31
Thank you for your messages Charles and Rami. Your support keeps me motivated. Best wishes to you both.
So 1 month done. Been hard and have mainly been in a daze.
The path ahead is becoming clearer though.
Starting to accept the money I lost is gone. I will not get it back by gambling, I will only make things even worse.
I can use what has happened to make and maintain a better version of myself. Be better at dealing with life’s ups and downs.
Right now it is pouring with rain on my journey but I have protection from wearing the right equipment.
It’s only rain though. I can still try and make the most of things.
The sun will shine again and I will make the most of every moment.
It may well rain again too so I need to stay prepared for that too. There may be storms, I can take shelter, they will pass. I will not leave myself exposed.
I believe this journey will be lifelong but it will take me to a place where there are far more sunny days than rainy ones.
Until day 38. Keep going, one foot in front of the other.

[marcusmaximus]

Day 27
Yesterday was a bit tough, that is why I am posting again.
There were many thoughts about going out and buying scratchcards and lottery tickets. Sport was on TV in the afternoon, I was flicking through channels and thinking about betting. Putting Gamban on my phone is one of the best decisions I have EVER made.
I turned the TV off, tried to read but nothing was really going in.
I got through though, I need to give myself credit for that, it can be done. Didn’t achieve much during the day but not too bothered now, at least I didn’t gamble.
Went out to buy some food, still in a bit of a daze about everything, looking at prices of things in the supermarket. It’s crazy how prices of things have increased recently. I haven’t had to worry about spend for a while, but now I am in a position where I have to be far more careful.
Cooked a nice meal, had a couple of beers and watched a movie with my son in the evening. He is at university and it was good to spend some time together.
Today I am going to go for a decent walk out in the fresh air, do some jobs, avoid sport on TV and be ready for when my partner returns from a weekend trip.
Next week start to get more into a routine. A bit of exercise in the early morning, work, a bit of relaxing time in the evening away from my phone, focus on shorter and longer term goals for my recovery.
Day by day, week by week and so on. No more slips. Going alcohol free for a couple of weeks before a wedding we are attending. Then will have some drinks there, but not go mad, check in with myself after every drink and know when to say no (this has always been a weakness, I need to be far more aware of my weaknesses, keep working on them, my complacency lets me down a lot of the time). Decided that I will only drink socially and try to be far more controlled now. Have more periods when I don’t drink at all. Drinking definitely contributed to my recent downfall, firstly when I drink too much I start feeling bad about myself, then I drink more because of this. Secondly a few drinks leads to losing discipline and then more chance of uncontrolled gambling.
I have to be more careful with my money now, maybe in a crazy way having blown a load of cash I can improve my lifestyle habits for the better.
Still been cutting back on the smoking, so this week I can ease that down more. Again I have to look at affordability.
Smoking or eating? I need to quit.
If in the future I could look back at recent events and think I finally turned things around and became a far more controlled and a better person because of what I have been through that would be quite something I think.

[marcusmaximus]

Day 26
A weekend to be careful.
Saturday morning now. There is a bit of money in my bank account.
I have to admit now I have had urges to go and bet again. Have a win and there you go, set off again.
My partner is away on a trip this weekend and I am at a bit of a loose end.
Gamban is installed on my phone and that is a big thing. Without that I could easily fall into the old trap at this point.
I have also excluded from local bookmakers shops.
However it would still be possible for me to go to a local shop and buy lottery tickets and scratchcards and start a new spiral of decline. Jump a bus or drive to a nearby town to watch the racing this afternoon.
I have to make a plan for today and tomorrow. Keep occupied, stay strong, look after myself.
So I am targeting tonight first, Keep busy today, eat well, go for a walk, have a couple of beers and watch a movie with my son. Enjoy the present, the here and now.
Then to Sunday evening, try and relax, go for another walk, do some jobs around the house, a bit of reading. Thinking about when my partner returns and being able to greet her totally happily, not with a tinge of being distracted by a gambling loss.
During the weekend to look at my budget for the next month. I can get through if I am careful and I don’t gamble.
Next month I can hopefully do a bit better, put some money aside in a savings account, so it’s not instantly accessible, won’t be much (but it’s about rebuilding). If I don’t gamble.
The following month could be better again. If I don’t gamble.
Thinking very much about the consequences of that first bet. Teĺling the devil on my shoulder to shut up. I am not going back to hell, I am making my way out.
Stay strong, stay vigilant, enjoy the here and now. I can live ok, don’t have to spend much.
From the poem Invictus
I am the master of my fate
I am the captain of my soul

[marcusmaximus]

Hi
I get what you are saying completely. We have to write the money off as if it was a bad investment.
The way I am trying to look at it is that I spent all my money on a big trip away. The trip was a real disappointment, I saw some crazy stuff but I learnt things about myself. Now I have come back and have to rebuild things. But to be much better than I was before.
I am on day 26, similar to you I flip between worry about how to manage still and feelings of frustration, anger, remorse, stupidity of why, why, why?
Now I have built up a bit of money in my account again but I know that has to see me through to pay the essentials. In time I can have a good life, but it must be gamble free.
Things can get worse if we continue to gamble. There is a better life out there. Looking at the reasons why we gambled is a big thing and replacing those thoughts, urges etc.
For me I am trying to involve myself in former interests and some new ones, trying to expand my social activity.
I think I gambled for differing reasons. Firstly out of boredom, seeking some excitement, maybe frustration at things that had happened during the day, feelings of little self worth. Secondly and the more devastating was chasing losses.
So now I am trying to do things to improve how I feel about myself. Fitness activities again, eating better again and cutting right back on drinking and smoking. I am engaging in learning a new language to try occupy my mind.
We can rebuild things, we can actually be a better version of ourselves in time, but only if we stay gamble free.
Best wishes, stay positive that this can be done.

[marcusmaximus]

Day 24
Positive spins on the negatives!
Still feeling bad really, or really bad more like. But I can put positive spin on this by thinking about the fact that I can see a pathway away from gambling. Gamban, attending meetings (on here, GA), keeping up with and developing other interests. Maintaining and developing relationships with others.
But the thoughts of my mistakes consume me sometimes. However I need to flick a switch straightaway to turn these thoughts off. I just can’t change what has happened, it’s in the past. I can change my actions, my life in the future by staying away from gambling.
The path away is long and hard. Howewer I need to just focus on one step at a time and not be distracted. I can get to a better place.
Things are going to be tight financially for a good while. However I can have more time for other things (away from the thoughts and actions of gambling). More feelings of self worth. Be more frugal and inventive with the money I do have.
Why could I have not done this before? Without the hurt I feel now? Because I needed a real kick in the ass to get going.
Until day 31.
Good luck and all the best to anyone who might read my post. Maybe add your thoughts to this thread and we can walk that pathway out of here together.

[marcusmaximus]

Day 17
A week gamble free. Taking things day by day, trying to make small improvements each day to work towards a bigger picture of clarity. A picture where I know how to handle the demon that sits on my shoulder.
I do have compulsive behaviours I know that. Gambling being the main one of course, that is why I am here posting. I need to forever control that, as that is by far the most destructive.
Gambling affects my thinking, my feelings, my relationships, my time, it has decimated my finances.
I have to rebuild from nothing yet again. It is something I can do, I have to try and remain positive. They say that “things happen for a reason”. I have to try and adopt this saying and use it to form a better me.
Other compulsive and risky behaviours I have are drinking and smoking. I have cut down on these in recent days. Not gambling has helped for sure. After a gambling bender I would also inevitably drink and smoke more to add to my self destruction.
Drinking and smoking are things I need to work on and control again. To drink socially ONLY. To cut right down on the smoking and give up again. If I don’t gamble then I won’t start again. That is how it can be.
Cutting down on both can help me save a bit of money as a gesture towards the damage to my finances. I can use this as an incentive. Instead of picking up a few cans on the way home to watch a midweek football game for example. I will skip it, bank the money and do something more productive with my time. This will kind of change how I have often behaved. Maybe it is not much of an improvement but I am thinking that this just needs to be kept as a mindset.
Watching sport would often lead to urges to bet. I thought I could control this one day. I now know I really can’t. I have to bite the bullet here and distance myself from being that armchair sports fan. It is so linked to my downfalls.
The better me is a man who is ALWAYS in control of his emotions and feelings. Who recognises danger signs and doesn’t PASS them anymore. Who puts his full attention into things that he does and to those around him. Who can accept mistakes are made, the key thing for me is to stop making the same mistakes over and over.
A new mindset needs to be developed. To accept who I am, what has happened and that there is a so much more of a better world outside of the bubble that I often seem to operate from.
I have looked at things and can see that for the coming months, years even, things are going to be tight financially, such is the destruction I caused. Not much spare at all. But I can live a good life, things can pick up again in the future if I am more careful.
There is a better world out there. One where compulsive behaviours are dealt with.
Why dig a bigger hole than the one I am currently in? Why dig a new hole when I eventually clamber out of this one?
In no uncertain terms gambling is like picking up a spade to dig your own grave.
For me the “penny is finally dropping”, it is starting to click that I MUST once and for all break free of a cycle of self destruction.
EVERY day from now on I WILL wake up and be mindful of where I am at, what I am working towards. That there will be a day free of distractions. Why poke my toes over the precipice again? There is only one outcome.
EVERY day I can improve in some way. Such as my physical condition, develop a new skill, learn a new word or two in a new language.
I sometimes wonder and I have seen similar sentiments in other posts that as compulsives do we have to keep destroying stuff to finally learn something? Why is this? Why can”t we learn from our first mistake? Do we really have to back ourselves into corners again and again before we realise enough is enough? There is something in this I’m sure.
For me the self destruct button is to be disconnected. This day 12/04/23. Until Day 24.

[marcusmaximus]

Closing out Day 10
Formulating a plan for the road ahead. Last 10 days been a mind fog really, time to crack on.
Concentrating 100% on relationships with others in my life.
Checking in on here and updating my journal is something I will need to do regularly. To consolidate my thoughts. Once a week from now on, unless I am really struggling. Posting on here is something I must keep going, to become accountable for maintaining a journal.
I don’t want to turn a gambling obsession into an obsession for posting on here ha ha!
Getting onto chat rooms here if I can, regular attendance at GA again.
Cutting down on bad habits such as drinking and smoking. These habits tend to escalate in line with my problem gambling.
I don’t think I could ever go tea total but I want to really get in control of when and how much I drink.
I will slowly cut down on smokimg again and give it up once more.
Having some structure in my days involving time to be mindful of where I am and what I want to achieve. Involving exercise, eating well again, learning new things.
Until Wednesday next week, which will be day 17.

[marcusmaximus]

Day 10
Just been watching a bit of breakfast TV. There was a guy on who was taken in by, and kind of brainwashed by a “cult” type organisation and ended up giving them thousands of pounds. He was initially led to believe it was a business venture. He described the experience as “a carrot and stick into oblivion”.
He has cut links with thst organisation now (who face an investigation) and is hopefully recovering from the whole experience.
Me thinks there is a parallel with gambling. For whatever reasons we stsrt, we are effectively brainwashed too, it consumes our thoughts. We give our money to them.
I think sometimes we see gambling as our escape from reality, it’s a fix when we are bored or unhappy, it’s the only way we will win our money back.
“A carrot and stick into oblivion” – time to get out and stay out. To cut links to it and move on for good.
Some things I need to bear in mind :
1. Stay in the real world
2. Accept it’s ok to be bored sometimes, hoeever try and find different things to do
3. Address my discontent and unhappiness sometimes. Can I make changes. I need to try and build more of a social circle for a start.
4. The ONLY way to get money back is to earn it
Going for another day gamble free.

[marcusmaximus]

Day 9
Still going gamble free. Keeping busy. I know the crucial time will be later down the line if I build finances again. Right now I have little cash available and I know I just can’t gamble (It is possible not to gamble then or waste time searching for sports news and tips all the time.)
Everything for a while will be needed for essentials basically.
Gamban is working. I had a payment going to a lottery type site and it stopped that. I checked some gambling sites – honestly – and there is no access. I have excluded from local bookies too as they might tempt me in the future. Next week I will be attending GA again. Things are in place to stop another relapse.
It is so hard to forget damage done to my finances. It is a sunny morning here and I am struggling to enjoy it because of the mess. Hopefully in time I can take these mornings in properly. That is what I want to aim for and never let it go this time.

[marcusmaximus]

Hi
Very well done on your progress. I have been reading your posts and can relate to a lot of what you have been through and your feelings. I can use them for inspiration so thank you for posting.
You have stayed disciplined and I must do that too. Well done, keep going.

[Author]

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