[madge456]

James
Bravo for having the courage to post on this site. I cried as I read your postings and responses – so similar to some of my own. My CG is an engineer also and I know all that brings with it – My CG likes the thrill of card counting at Blackjack bc he has such a brilliant mind he uses it to try and “beat the house” and feel superior at the same time. I also understand not knowing if you love your wife anymore – I have been with my CG for 20 years and I feel the same way. The children make it hard to leave of course, but beyond that it is hard to feel you love someone who has betrayed you, lied to you and makes you feel like you are wrong when it is them that is doing the harm. I hope this makes sense. I just wanted to say I hear you, I resonate with much that you said and that you have found a wonderful forum to get out many feelings you might have.
I have found this site as a haven for me and many times it really has kept me going…just one more day. Im hardly in a position to give advice but many wise people here told me to look after myself and my kids. You can offer you CG the gambling literature, hotlines, GA etc but it is ultimately up to them to take advantage of these things. My CG also says that the people in GA don’t have anything in common with him and he is “not like them” (yeah, for 3 years he ditched work, and ran off to the casino during the day and weekends, lying to me, our families and kids the whole time) – yeah, he is nothing like other gamblers, right??
I also agree with Velvet that if you don’t know what to do remain still until you feel like you have found the right decision – It sounds like you have been thru a lot of trauma in this relationship and being still and quieting your mind will hopefully help you see clearly what needs to happen. I hope I have been helpful. I will think of you and send good energy your way. Love that little baby of yours – time is precious and they grow up way too fast. Blessings,
Madge

[madge456]

Hi Velvet and all. Sorry to have been away. Been busy with birthdays (mine and my youngest), sports, halloween and the like – good busy –
But still the gnawing of that **feeling** feeling of what is really real and what isn’t. My Cg and I went out for dinner for my bday last nite and it is so hard to “be happy” with him. I feel like I am always looking for the untruths or reasons why I can’t trust him. He says he hasn’t gambled in 90 days – how do I know if this is true? He says his therapist says he is not a CG but more a compulsive liar..great..either way is bad for me. We don’t sleep in the same bed anymore which makes me feel sad. Without going into detail, part of his sex addiction was trying to do inappropriate things to me while I was asleep without my consent – sick, I know. Hence the separate beds. But when he is awake and with me he is this sweet, kind generous man – when we are alone at night in bed he turned into this monster – He said he did it to get back at me for things he was mad about and couldn’t talk to me about. It happened repeatedly despite his pleadings that he wouldn’t do it anymore…. SO, if he has lied so long about this, I have no way of knowing if he still lies about gambling or anything else. …..I hope this was not too off topic, but needed to put it out there to help people understand all I am dealing with. It is the trust – how can I trust he’s not gaming? How can I trust he won’t attack me in my sleep?? Once he leaves the house I honestly have no idea where he goes, what he does and I don’t believe anything he says. How can I give my heart back to a man I don’t trust?? How can I ever trust him again?? Will I ever be able to trust him again??
I want to move on, I want to trust, I WANT it to be better. But I don’t know how?? Any ideas???
Sorry to make this quick (Ill write more later) – didn’t want you to think I disappeared..Off to gym before I get kids…
Pray for me ..Im not sure what else is left..
Love to you all
XX
M

[madge456]

Dear Vera and Velvet – thank you both for taking the time to write me – I really lifts me up to know others UNDERSTAND what is going on…
Vera- I did think about your post alot and did take some time to myself with girlfriends and just setting limits with my kids – I try to be “everything to everyone” (a favorite son of mine by Everclear!) and you know that doesn’t work. Just wears me out.
I am being more conscious of carving out those times for me, to just be happy.

Velvet
After I read your post I was sad – I am trying to figure out why – I guess partially because you are right – right that I feel like ” it happened, just because I trusted” that somehow my trust allowed him to get away with what he got away with for so long. My trust made it possible for him to deceive me – so somehow it is my trusting’s fault..if that makes any sense. I feel dumb and bad that I trusted him. Logically I know it’s not my “fault” but I somehow feel duped by him, his addiction. Every time I look at a picture of us in the past I think “oh, that is when he was lying to me” like this addiction has destroyed all my happy memories..I look at his smiling face in the picture and think “he was deceiving me right then! How could he do that???” That makes me sad…
I also think I am sad bc your post reminded me of all that is – Luckily for me, my CG has been away on business for a few days and its been great to not have him here. To not be reminded of all that is broken in my life. Your post reminded me but I guess its just as well since he gets back tonight. It was nice not to think about it for a while…really nice…
What have I done for myself today? I don’t know..I guess I reminded myself that everything has a time limit – for everyone – not just me. Kids grow up, people move into different phases of their life and no matter how much we dont want it, everything changes..some how that gave me comfort. I guess to be in the moment – appreciate the time with my kids instead of looking at it as a grind, appreciating the fall leaves and color, before the cold winter..it’s the season, turn turn turn…
I don’t know how I’ll be when he returns tonight – I wish he was gone longer – And I will try and make the groups if I can – I think those times are not good for me here, EST.

Thank you so much for keeping me in your prayers – I do believe they help even though I am not religious – we are all connected…please continue to keep me in mind in the Serenity circle

More later..
Much love,
M

[madge456]

Thank you Velvet for your loving response – I so wish I could be in the group tomorrow. My daughter has her psychiatrist appt at 4pm (EST – which I think is 2100 UK time). Something I can’t miss. I wish there was another time I could make it to group – I will check the group chart. I long to discuss these issues with people who understand – I really need to – To be heard and understood is very therapeutic, as you know.
Thank you for hearing me, for being there for me. This illness is sooo confusing – I do feel stupid in so many ways but wonder how I allowed it to happen? It happened because I trusted my husband – that doesn’t make me stupid, does it? I don’t know anymore….Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice….
I will try and come to a group asap – I miss “talking”.. I need to ..
Please keep me in your prayers as I will you in mine.
XX
M

[madge456]

Hi all
Thank you to Velvet for your support. And Adele – I was truly touched by your post. You are of course not inadequate to reply to all my issues – we all in some ways are going thru the same thing, to different extents. I also feel that since the new site opened people have been dropping off – sometimes I think I am posting to the nether-world and that no one hears me..that is sad. I am happy when I see someone saw my post and knows I am still here….
How am I doing? Well, my foot is better, but I am still sad. I resonate with something you said about empathy fatigue and feeling empty-ish inside. For the 1st time in my marriage (20 years) I don’t know if I love my husband anymore…I feel sort of numb inside. Now I don’t know if that is because all the trauma we have been thru, how I don’t know if or when Ill ever be able to trust him, or if I just plain don’t love him anymore. I even told him I found myself wishing I could meet someone else. That is horrible I guess, but I look around and see other people and imagine that they don’t carry the huge burden that my husband does….I am not sure what to do with all of these feelings…
My husband has been trying hard and seems to be more connected to feeling empathy for me – but most nights its rush rush rush with the kids, then by the time it is 1030, 11pm he walks off to “his” bedroom, saying “goodnight”. Most of our conversations are housekeeping – who is taking what kid where and when, etc…. We are almost like strangers now…I feel sad but dont know what to do. He is in therapy 3x a week, goes to meetings semi-regularily (although he says they dont help him). I think we would benefit from couples counseling but honestly i feel burnt out from all our YEARS of counseling and dont know if I have it in me to start over and tell our story again….I also could benefit to talk to someone but wasn’t thrilled with my last therapist and dont have the energy to look for another one.
The other thing I notice is I have no patience – I snap at my kids all the time! I hate it! I guess I am frustrated bc I am so unhappy – I feel like I spend every waking moment doing something for someone else *something I hate* – even when I work out (which is often for hours) I feel like it is not for me – I do it because I HAVE to (so Im not fat), not because I want to. I dont want to be this impatient unhappy person – but my life seems like such a burden now – hours and hours, days and days of just enduring – no wonder all I want to do is sleep.
Thank you Adele for the kind words – but I am not sure how “strong” I am – I am not sure I am worthy of your praise. – maybe I am just stupid – stupid to stay with this man after all he has done to me, stupid to believe him over and over just for him to lie to me again, maybe I am just stupid and weak….and that is a horrible sad thought…
Well, better run. Kid #3 waiting. Adele I hope you are caring for yourself during the time of your husbands convalescing – it is SO easy to get caught up in taking care of someone else…

I do feel better when i post – I feel even better knowing someone *out there* hears me….
Thank you to all my GT friends – you have no idea how important your support is in my life.

XX
M

[madge456]

WOW! You have been through lot. I have to say I can relate to your posting – I often think if my husband had been thru a similar accident I might have reacted the same way – There is nothing wrong with you – I think when someone hurts you over and over, you suffer from “empathy fatigue” – you are so sick of feel bad for them and carrying them that at some point they are too heavy and you can’t do it anymore.. I relate.. I feel the same way..
You need to take care of yourself – I know everyone SAYS this but it sound like you are really sick. Without your health, you have nothing. So don’t worry about your reaction to your hubby or anything – you need all your strength. Breathe. Relax and heal.
With love
M

[madge456]

I see the last post and feel like I am in the same boat – does a little lead to a lot?? I agree with Velvet it is not the size of the bet, it is the action of betting/gaming. BUT, my question is where does this stop? My CG was playing the card game Hearts online. He seemed to me that he was doing something he shouldn’t by his guilty actions. He told me he’d take it off his phone which he never did and i caught him playing it again last night…But he said it wasn’t gambling so that it means it’s ok???- so does that mean he shouldn’t play any card games?? He said “what about bridge?” What about playing the card game “war” with our 7 year old?? He was trying to make me feel bad for what he was doing – put me on the spot when he clearly felt guilty for what he was doing… He then explained to me it was like “an empty bottle to an alcoholic” that he was keeping it around as something he could hold on to – now this sounds like addictive behavior – but where does it stop? No card games at all??
I ask all this bc I relate to your CG only 2 scratchers – it starts from there – but will it do the same thing with a game of Hearts?? I feel like I am going mad.
I am not sure if this helps but wanted to know I hear you and understand – they have to want to get help, don’t they???
XX
M

[madge456]

Hi San
Thanks for your comments on my thread. I wanted to say I understand what you are talking about about being an enabler. I had never thought about myself as one – more like a “relent-er” Something would happen and after a few moments I would give in, or relent…it is hard not to …you feel compassion and at some point their mixed up thinking becomes persuasive and you start to think “am I the one that is crazy?” or “maybe this is ok to do X”…I understand…. and I understand how hard it to to stand your ground when you are not even sure if the ground you are on is where you should be standing (I hope that makes sense..). I agree with Monique who I think said take the advice you would offer another in your situation – usually it is so much clearer then – be strong for yourself- I am thinking of you and wanted you to know I understand..
XX
M

[madge456]

Hi – Ive been trying to respond a million times but am always waylaid by something…I want to say few things: Yes, I feel better and thank you San for the suggestion to get away for a few days and Monique for doing something just for myself. I agree I am battling some depression given this whole situation, but am working on it.
And something DID happen! I hurt myself by accident- I dropped a heavy decoration on my foot and ruptured the tendons ligaments. I couldn’t walk, was on crutches, etc. But it turned out to be such a blessing – My husband (who usually does nothing ) started to do everything! I was literally in bed, unable to move and he did everything! Took care of kids, drove them everywhere (which is no small feat as we live in the booni es) and took care of me! It was wonderful! And it was this time, 3 days or so, that I had totally to myself – I couln’d go anywhere or do anything, but it was good – just time for me , not to worry about anyone else. I had this time to recharge and think about what I wanted to do – SO- I decided to take a class i have been putting off for 5 years or so. I really feel like I need something for me and am so excited I will be doing it! My husband’s CBT therapy seems to really be helping him – I am cautious, but he is sharing with me and talking to me about things like he hasn’t in maybe forever. We’ll see if it lasts as I am not going to bite just yet, but happy at least he seems committed and working on his stuff.
And I am happy – happy I have had this time to reflect, happy I am doing something for myself and happy I was *forced* to stay in bed and take care of myself – I never thought Id be so happy to NOT be able to walk, but it was a blessing in disguise. I am still wearing a boot, but mostly off crutches. And feeling better about me.
Thank you all for you love and support. I carry you all around with me in my thoughts…You all are a blessing to me as well..
xx
M

[madge456]

Thank you Monique for all your love and support. I know we don’t “know” each other, but I have received so much love and support from this site that it is quite ironic that the “real” people in my life have NO CLUE what is going on. What does that say about the people in my life??
I am having a hard time hanging on – Still trying to decide what is best to do – My husband is going to therapy 2x a week soon to be 3x with a CBT therapist. He has still continued to ly to me – that is the hardest part – WHY WHY does he have to ly? I guess he is afraid..HE is trying to control the money I have in my own name – trying to hack passwords and gain access to that a******* He says he was worried I would use this money to go to a lawyer and divorce him – I explained that doing this and lying about it make that even more likely instead of just talking to me about it! And since he has his sex addiction problem we have not been intimate and now he is getting angry at me for this – How can he expect me to want to be intimate with him when he li*es to me and is still so messed up?? How can I even trust him again?? I can’t even sleep in the same bed with him bc of his issues… I feel SO SAD..I really feel like I am depressed and I am not the type of person that gives into things – I am a fighter – in all ways (I train as a fighter Mixed Martial Arts) but yet this area – the main area of my life – is so messed up and I have no control over what he will do – ANd it makes me so sad that I am having a hard time functioning. I feel so pathetic – so many other people have worse in their lives yet I sit here feeling useless.. Why can’t I just shake this off?? Why can’t I stop crying???
I feel like I am waiting – waiting for something to happen – but mean while my life is passing me by …punctuated by homework, kids multiple after school lessons, dinner, food shopping, working out, cleaning, etc…and still this distance with my husband – separate beds, separate lives.. He keeps saying “I love you” and “I want to take you out to ______” but he never does anything about it…more empty promises. And all I get is a large angry man who is blaming me for not wanting to be intimate with him! Like this is my fault!!!
Can anyone else relate to this?? Most of the time I feel like I am going crazy – sad and crazy – I am trying to be there for my kids but wish there was something I could do for myself – All I want is to disappear – I have thought about suicide more time than I can cownt but I would never do that to my kids – and leave them with their Dad?? Yikes!
If anyone has advise, suggestions, words of wisdom, something, anything… I really am at the rend of my rope it seems..
with love
M

[madge456]

Thank you Velvet for your encouragement. I thought I had posted a reply to your message but with the site transition maybe it got lost..

I am hanging in there …my husband continues to be untruthful to me. He has been trying in some respects (new therapy 3x a week!), helping more with kids, trying to be attentive, etc. But at the same time I caught him bookmarking some sites I was on (my personal bank account site (bc he wanted to “keep track of my money”, and even this one) I am not sure if my words are even safe here..He could be lurking…I am not that computer savvy and if he wanted/wants to spy that way, I would have no ability to stop him. As for my personal bank account, who knows what his real intentions were – I am so bad with stuff like that I couldn’t even log on to my own account – could he have changed my own password and me not know it?? I guess I need to look into that.. I feel so helpless and hopeless…We are living in the same house but sleep in different beds – We are almost living different lives – I think “what is the point?”…I have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning – I must be depressed- I just don’t care anymore because it all seems hopeless. It is hard for me to see the point of going on….

Recently my best friend d*ed, another close friend (forcibly) was moved to another country far away, i am estranged from my family of origin and we are being audited by the IRS. I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this and the thought if finding yet another therapist to talk to is just too much (myself and us together have seen many, many therapists..).

I dont see how this will ever get better….

any words of encouragement might keep me going, at least another day..

with love

M

[madge456]

My husband has similar (and more) issues – the CG always have excuses – they can’t see what they are doing and how it is hurting others. I can hardly give advice as I am in the same boat but wanted to say I hear you and you are not alone. The best advice I was given is take care of yourself – you can’t control anyone else or their behavior. It is hard to let go but it gets to be you or him, let it be him – you are worth saving – And he ***** to save himself.
Be strong
Madge

[madge456]

Sorry you have to deal with all this..It must be very difficult to deal with a CG son and your illness. You must be very strong. Stay strong and take care of yourself – Your son will manage – you need to be there for you. Sending love and positive thoughts
Madge

[madge456]

k you Velvet for your encouragement. I thought I had posted a reply to your message but with the site transition maybe it got lost..

I am hanging in there …my husband continues to be untruthful to me. He has been trying in some respects (new therapy 3x a week!), helping more with kids, trying to be attentive, etc. But at the same time I caught him bookmarking some sites I was on (my personal bank account site (bc he wanted to “keep track of my money”, and even this one) I am not sure if my words are even safe here..He could be lurking…I am not that computer savvy and if he wanted/wants to spy that way, I would have no ability to stop him. As for my personal bank account, who knows what his real intentions were – I am so bad with stuff like that I couldn’t even log on to my own account – could he have changed my own password and me not know it?? I guess I need to look into that.. I feel so helpless and hopeless…We are living in the same house but sleep in different beds – We are almost living different lives – I think “what is the point?”…I have a hard time just getting out of bed in the morning – I must be depressed- I just don’t care anymore because it all seems hopeless. It is hard for me to see the point of going on….

Recently my best friend d*ed, another close friend (forcibly) was moved to another country far away, i am estranged from my family of origin and we are being audited by the IRS. I really don’t have anyone to talk to about this and the thought if finding yet another therapist to talk to is just too much (myself and us together have seen many, many therapists..).

I dont see how this will ever get better….

any words of encouragement might keep me going, at least another day..

with love

M

[madge456]

So sorry this is happening to you… My husband is a Cg too – but I understand the pain and suffering we go thru when we allow people we love to hurt us.. all I can say is to think only of your ***** – the CG and gambling addition will take care of their own… hugs to you.. must run… XX

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