[madge456]

Thank you Jenny X and Ell for your love and support –

Jenny: you sound like you have been thru so much – did you even wonder how you ended up attracting men with addictions? I am starting to wonder what I did “wrong” to end up with my husband – what did I miss?? he wasn’t like this when I met him! – really, he wasn’t. He loved kids, I thought he would make a great Dad – He was kind to me, attentive, sweet thoughtful – now?? Not so much…He is trying , but I feel like given *everything* he has done, i can never know what to expect from him. Did I ever think when I married him he would lie to me for **years**, gambling, sneaking away from work, spending our money, “lending to “friends”? DId I ever think he would try to take advantage of me sexually in my sleep? Repeatedly? Did I ever think he would be distant and disconnected from our children (ignore them basically) and not participate in our lives?? NO! No – I never thought it would be like that -SO, I wonder what I missed all those years ago? Or what is wrong with me to end up with someone like him???

I then tried to explain to him given that he has acted in numerous ways that I never ever, ever thought he would, I now can’t know what other things he may do – like he is a chameleon and I have no idea what color he may turn – any moment…I don’t know him any more..today he was saying to me: “remember when you drive around in your new Mercedes who pays for that..” I was like “what”??? since when do you talk to me like that? I am a prostitute ? Like if i don’t sleep with you, you will use intimidation to get what you want?? My husband was NEVER like this EVER – who is he turning into??? He apologized after this incident but it just makes me wonder who he is turning into…

This scares me and leads me not to trust him. He is trying to be patient with us not being intimate but subliminally has the attitude of “oh, just get over it!” – He has been pressuring me sexually and I keep telling him *NO* – “oh come on, just give me a kiss…” he’ll say – while I try and push him away – but he doesn’t seem to get it – how he has violated my trust, destroyed our relationship, blew up our lives. Yet some how I am feeling bad that I can’t just “put this in the past”. I keep telling myself it does no good to re-live all these things, but I simply can’t just “get over it” or forget it – his lies, deceptions, his violations of me – I think he should feel lucky I am even here at all!

I am not sure this makes any sense – I was just trying to say how I am fighting for my self preservation yet I am getting push back from him to do what he wants and I guess I feel a little guilty (? – is that weird?) for not just moving on with our lives intend of being stuck in the pain and betrayal –

When do you let that go???

As for doing stuff for me – today was “do nothing day” and even though I did a few things (dealt with our gutted condo, financial end of year work, spoke to kitchen designer, fed/took care of kids, dishes, laundry…wow – I guess that wasn’t nothing….) but for me I guess it is nothing compared to the break neck speed I usually go about my day and the number of tasks I usually cram into a day. Funny how on my “do nothing day” I still did a lot –

The point of all this is I am trying to be mindful and take time for myself to do what i need to do to survive, not just make sure every one else is ok and forget about me (which is what i usually do).

I feel like I am rambling but I hope I have made a little sense. I do hear all your love and support and am really trying to carve out time for me (eating for one) and just saying NO when I want to say no.

And to not rescue him either – I tend to do that – whenever he is messing up with the kids I used to try and protect everyone (like if he was supposed to play with the kids but fell asleep instead I would protect him and say – “oh, daddy was just tired” – now I realize the kids see him as he is no matter what I do. And yes it is sad if they have a crappy father, but there is nothing I can do about that – I can’t create nor fix that relationship and if he wants to wreck his relationship with them then that is up to him. My kids know I am there for them and can always count on me. If he blows it with his kids, it is all on HIM.

I think these are healthy steps for me – I know that all my loving friends on GT have helped me get here. I know I have miles and miles to go, but I am going…..

love to you all

xx
M

[madge456]

h i Jenny. Thank you so much for your wonderful post. This is just a quick note before I run out but wanted to get it in before forgot again. My c_g is back and for Whatever reason I guess I thought that he would be different. He is still the same. But I’ve decided that I am not going to take the” hooks” as you suggest. He still expects me to do all the picking up and care taking that I have always done but I just don’t want to do it anymore. I’m distancing myself a little bit and I am not sure if that’s a good thing but it feels better to me then always being the one doing things and receiving nothing in return….he expects to have some sort of relationship with me while virtually putting nothing into it. We haven’t seen him for over 2 weeks and after he doled out the presents (which was very nice ) he sits down on his computer and just ignores everybody. Does this make any sense to you?

I started to feel angry and frustrated like I always do but decided (and told him) that he has to decide the type of relationships he wants to have with everybody in the family. And then I left. and I have to say it feels really good to not take the hooks as you call them. It feels really good to draw the line and say I need to take care of myself and your mess is your mess. You have helped me see that and I’m grateful for that. For whatever reason you seem to really understand where I’m coming from and I’m so happy and grateful that you are able to show me the light in some way.

As for our daughter, I’m not really sure what to do about her school. She feels ambivalent and so do we. Part of her wants to stay and part of her wants to leave. I don’t want her to feel disrupted in the middle of the year and this is also the only school she’s ever known. It would be a big adjustment also since she’s never been in a public school – we’ve only done Montessori education so it would be a huge change for her. That being said her teacher is horrible and mean was openly hostile to me in our last meeting. My daughter does very well academically but is a little hyper and sometimes talks when she shouldn’t be talking -that’s the worst thing she’s done. Apparently the school thinks this is Code Red and can’t deal with her. They just think she’s a troublemaker. Which she is not. One of the other teachers talked about how much “negative energy” she brings to the social group. I know you don’t know my child but she is the happiest most bubbly person around. She definitely has a lot of hyperactivity energy but definitely not negative energy……unfortunately that’s how they see her. It’s a horrible situation and I know something has to change.

I realize the unknown is difficult and sometimes you just have to make a leap. That seems to be a common theme in my life. I don’t like change.

All for now…

Xx
M

[madge456]

I am blown away by all the love and support – thank you all so much – San, Velvet, Monique Jenny – Thank you for hearing my cries – you advice is so helpful and gives me stuff to think about as i go thru my day, reflecting on the words of people who are many miles away but so close in others.

But I wanted to say: Jenny: your post was awesome – you hit the nail right on the head and I felt you really “get” where I am coming from – please write more! 🙂
Your post really helped me – I decided today I will eat one meal sitting down at the table – yes, it is that bad. I usually grab a bar while I am driving my kids 4hrs plus all over the earth, and I never hardly sit at dinner bc I am serving others or cleaning. So today – TODAY I will sit down and eat a meal. And try not to feel guilty about it. That sounds so stupid, i realize, but you know how life sometimes just gets away from you and you turn around and can’t believe where you ended up?? That is how it is for me.

I am harsh on myself. You are right. My life feels like a series of score cards on every activity that I do – as if the Olympic judges of life are following me around and my every act is graded by holding the score cards up: “and she scores a 6, a 5 and 3”. I do this to myself – but not intentionally.

As for my daughters school – Yes! They are obnoxious and yes I have tried to fight them every step of the way. But they are broken and I I don’t want them to break her. I just worry about switching schools mid-year, if that will be the right choice, if I’ll “screw up” again by making the wrong choice (the judges again).

As for my CG – he is supposed to come back Friday nite – I am sort of happy he is (I need the help) but sort of unhappy he will be back – then I will have to deal with whatever mess he may or may not bring. I agree there is nothing I can do about that – Right now I feel (like Jenny said) I am just trying to keep my head above water. Thats all I can do – do what needs to get done daily, deal with my kids and their needs, and hopefully sit down and have one meal at the table for myself. That would be an improvement.

Gotta run – more to do – more later-

love and hugs to you all..
xoxo
M

[madge456]

” living your life in constant expectation of a disaster is soul-destroying.”

I couldn’t agree more – I just put a long post on my thread so I won’t bore you with more here – But wanted to say to James how right Velvet is – I am living it – it is horrible. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and try and let go of the anxiety. I fight it everyday but know it is killing me…Hang in there
xx
M

[madge456]

Hi V and all

I often wonder if anyone on the site wondered what had happened to me..maybe that is self-centered – but I wanted to say I am still here just been too traumatized to write..

My CG is trying to change I honestly believe. He helps more, listens intently and tried to be empathetic – something he never did before. He is emoting which is a new things for him. I am scared sometimes that if he does change I won’t like the *new* him, or we just won’t get along – is that weird? I do love him. He asked me what I wanted for Xmas and I said “to be able to trust you again” – that makes me sad –

We’ve had so much going on that the gambling/sex addiction got pushed to the background – the *slathering beast* Velvet speaks of is still there, but in the corner – G-d, I am so afraid it will come out of the corner!

Things we have been dealing with:

1. Daughter suspended at school – for nothing – she said a silly phrase in spanish (no profanity or anything) over and over and our private school decided it was bullying! Now that is on her record and may jeopardize her future schooling.

2. A rental condo we have had a massive flood – top floor to basement- pipe broke – and we found out we are way under-insured – unit is a total loss and we don’t have enough insurance to fix it. I barely have the emotional fortitude to get the quotes, etc to try and rebuild it…every day that it sits is another day of lost rental income…and a financial burden…

3. Our health insurance got changed by CG company and now we essentially just have catastrophic coverage – now I really have to think whether I can take my kid to the doctor for his warts bc then it will cost me $300???

4. Same school for daughter now saying they think she “would do better in another setting” – she hasn’t even done anything – her teacher hates her and is seriously ganging up on her..this school has had a massive enrollment decline bc it is so messed up – we were just trying to get thru the school year and then leave but now we are faced with potentially leaving (or getting kicked out!) next week!

5. My Cg has been out of the country which is partially good but adds extra stress when the above is solely left to me. I *literally* also spend 4+ hrs a day in my car driving my kids around to school and their activities because with him gone, i have no help.

6. Our beloved cat who is 19 1/2 yrs old is dying – he is on 3 different meds trying to keep him going but I just don’t know how long he will last ..this will kill my daughter…same daughter with all the school problems (who already feels super bad about herself…)

I feel totally alone and overwhelmed. This past year also brought (along with the 3+ yr secretive gambling uncovering of my CG) the death of a very close best friend and the deportation of my other best friend. Most days I just want to disappear – Someone was talking about getting out of bed early and I said “what for??”.

It seems like every day brings a new trauma – I don’t know how much more I can take???

Im having a hard time seeing the point in all of this – this life – it feels like were are here to suffer, see those we love suffer and then we all die. I know this sounds terrible but this has been my experience for quite a while. I DO try and hang in there, spend time with my kids, “enjoy” life, but the older I get the more I dislike people and just wish to be alone, away from the pain. People bring you pain. People (specifically my kids school) brings my kids pain – I can’t stand to see my kids suffer and feel like I can’t do anything about it. That is a whole other topic but it is what has been on my plate.

My CG has been supportive while he has been away by calling, sending flowers (from overseas!) but always in the back of my mind is when is that beast going to re-emerge?…I can almost see it standing in the corner, waiting for its chance to return….

I don’t think i could take it – I really don’t – I think I would literally fall apart…

Sorry this is so depressing – it is depressing re-reading it – but I wanted you to know (if anyone was interested) what has been going on and why I hadn’t posted in a while. I think of my GT family fondly, warmly holding all support, comments and advice close to my heart.

Think of me – put me in your prayers if you can – I am not sure if I can handle anything else blowing up…

🙁
M

[madge456]

I read Velvet’s last long post to Ell with interest – as usual – I found things that resonated with me.

Not having thoroughly read all your posts Ell I still feel a connection with you from what Velvet said

“It is your husband’s acceptance of his addiction and his determination never to return to the dark abyss where gambling took him, that can give ‘you’ the ability to let go and live in the present.”
Wow – that is powerful. My cg said something like this to me this morning – I don’t remember the actual wording (i think I was too shocked!) but it was along the lines of “you will be able to trust me when I get to a place where doing what I have done in the past becomes abhorrent to me” to which I replied “like putting your hand in a blender?” and he said, “Yes, like putting my hand in a blender”.
So, this gives me hope – and knowing you have made so much progress gives me hope. So turtle or no turtle, as long as you move forward, it doesn’t matter when you arrive.
Progress, just progress…at your own pace.
With love
xoxo
M

[madge456]

I just wanted to say Hi and welcome to GT. I have been here for not too long but have found the advice and support to be fantastic. It really is a wonderful place to meet people in
the same situation who understand what you are going thru and don’t judge. Posting and reading others posts helps you see that you are not alone and that others have been where you are.

I agree with Velvet that a pre-paid credit card might be a good option. I also worried that my husband was feeling like a child. I asked him to keep receipts for all the cash he spends so that it doesn’t “disappear”. I am not sure how badly he feels about this but he has accepted it as a consequence of his own making. I haven’t been that ridged on tallying up the receipts but just knowing that he keeps them and hands them over to me makes me feel like he has to be accountable. I also am a stay at home mom and my husband being the bread winner. I too feel guilty when he asks me “is is ok if I do such and such?” but he realizes after many calm mature conversations that it needs to be this way for a while until I can trust him again. My husband never really blew much money gambling. At least I never noticed much missing and i have access to all our accounts. He set a limit for himself and never went over it. He’s a card counter (black jack) and for him it was the thrill of beating the house, skipping out on work, lying to me, etc etc. Everyone’s story is different but we all have common threads.
If you can talk to your husband respectfully and explain that given what has happened he needs to earn your trust back. Like I just said in my latests post “we have fallen a long way… and it will take a long time to get back” Maybe the pre-paid card with a set amount will give him freedom to buy essentials but you peace of mind that he wont sink you into financial ruin?
I am hardly any kind of expert but I wanted to say welcome and bravo for being brave and posting. It can be scary sharing all these things “out there”. But you are in a safe place. The members here are lovely and all care about the growth and healing of others.
Keep posting, keep reading and know you are in the right place.
xoxo
Madge

[madge456]

dont know where to begin but ill start from the top.

Tragedy you mention: yes, you are right. I never thought of it that way but indeed what has happened to me and my family is a tragedy. It is not cancer or other horrible things, but it is horrible in its own right.
I am still having a hard time when my cg tells me he is not addicted to gambling. He stopped cold turkey mid july and (as far as I know) hasn’t done it since. He says his therapist said he is not addicted to gambling but addicted to lying and control – isn’t that part of the same thing? When I think of all the deception he had around the gambling for years and the subterfuge I can only think it was addiction. Whatever it is called, it was messed up and unhealthy.
The issue I am having is feeling sort of numb. My cg will try and hug and kiss me and I just pull away. I feel like I can’t trust him with my heart. I know he feels bad but I can only be where I am. I feel like if he could have fooled me for so long, how can I ever trust he wont do it again? I feel like we have covered this before here but it is different now in the sense that *I am* pulling away from him. Not chasing him to “fix” himself etc. It is more me saying (at this point) I cant do this.
I am trying to hang in there and see what happens.

Velvet you asked
“What is your husband doing now that leads you to believe he is trying to change and gain your trust?”

I have been thinking about this a lot. A few things I came up with: 1)He has been trying to change as a person with the help of his new CBT therapist. Looking at his actions and the consequences of them; having empathy for me and others. 2)He said he cried in the car yesterday because of an argument we had (everything leads back to all of this stuff). That is a big deal. He never cries. So I think that was a break thru for him. 3)He tried to stand up for me (protect me) when one of our kids said something sort-of rude to me (I didn’t think it was rude but it is something we have discussed in general – i.e.: he shouldn’t stand by silent, which has been his usual behavior, if my daughter tells me to shut up). So he spoke up and reprimanded our son when he said something off color. 4)He has been sleeping in the other room, not having relations with me for a while now (a few months?) which for a *former*sex addict you can imagine is really hard and he hasn’t complained or anything. He just says “you have every right to your space and to feel safe and secure and things will happen when we are both ready”.5)he calls me daily from his work (not cell) number so i know he is at the office and not the casino (at least when he calls).6)stupid one, but he asked me yesterday what I wanted for the holidays – sounds silly I know but he NEVER does that. Usually I buy what I want and he “gives” it to me. Yesterday he planned to go to the mall and shop for me, with out me even asking.7) he has been loading the dishwasher – yes, i know, it sounds crazy, and maybe it is just temporary, but he has been *noticing* dishes and loaded them in the dishwasher – he even turned it on a few times!

Regarding the dishes: I know you may be thinking “why is this a big deal?” but in my house, for 19 years I have done everything *EVERYTHING*. Before you feel too bad for me, I also have a house keeper 4x a week to help. We have a large home and it is way too much for me to handle. And i have also rationalized that since my husband does nothing, I deserve the help. But when the weekends are here or the housekeeper is away, everything has been my responsibility. My kids do have chores which they do, but the bulk of everything – including yard work, landscaping, fixing things in the house,taking care of our rental properties, etc has been on me. So for him to NOT leave his dish on the table, is a big deal. If he stops leaving his clothes on the floor, THAT would be something..;) (no, not joking. He leaves his clothes all over the floor every day – including underwear)

So, Im not sure if this list answers the question of what he is doing to change, but these are the things I am noticing my cg doing. He says he wants to be a new person. He does seem like he is slowly changing,
I am changing in a sense too – every day brings with it some new feelings and frustrations. Trying to claw my way out of this maze of uncertainty is a challenge. I hope we can be a”new and improved” couple – I wish we could go back to loving and trusting one another. I am not there yet. I told him: “We have fallen a long way… and we have a long road back”. I hope his patience will last and that I am able to regain loving feelings toward him. Right now, I am fine to be with him as a “friend”. Maybe sounds weird? I don’t know… just where I am.
It will take a transformation on his part – and who knows? when and if he does transform, I may not even like who he becomes… I told him that..we will have to wait and see.

I miss who I thought he was. All that is gone now. The road ahead is dark. Step carefully.

Thank you for your loving thoughts Velvet. I so wish we could all meet in person and share face to face. Your input – all the input from the GT members has helped me to step gingerly through the darkness…looking for the light…
xoxo
M

[madge456]

As i read your post, it sounds so much like things I have said/posted in the past – I can relate to being “slapped in the face” – you cant even believe what the cg did bc you *just* talked about it and they go and do it anyway. It is frustrating and makes you feel like you are going crazy. WHich leads me to your “doubting myself” comment – because yes, when they do something we said we objected to, the addiction tried to twist it around so we start to feel like we are the ones in the wrong “what could it hurt? it’s only a little money..” etc etc Making us feel bad (at least in my case) and some times relenting and giving in. This just makes everything get worse in the long run.
It is so hard to stand your ground but you must. For yourself. Last time my cg did something like this (2 days ago!) we talked about it and I told him I would not be treated like that. If he wants to disrespect me I can’t be in a relationship like that. I have gotten to the point where I have said if he acts this way he needs to leave. This is a big deal for me and surprisingly my cg is really trying hard to gain my trust and change himself. And I think that is partially due to the fact that I told him I couldn’t – wouldn’t put up with it anymore. My story is a little complicated (all in my posts if you want to catch up) but the thread is the same – they act out, we protest, they cajole, we feel guilty and bad about ourselves and confused. It is painful, heartbreaking and demoralizing.

Like Monique and velvet said, taking care of yourself, finding support for yourself are very important. It sounds like a silly pollyanna thing to say, but it does really help. I have found posting and replying to others posts very therapeutic as well. It is nice to be understood and not judged.
I just wanted to say I hear you and encourage you to reach out to anyone (real or in cyber-land) who you think could be supportive of you. Just talking to a friendly ear is cathartic in so many ways.
With love
xx
M

[madge456]

I only have a minute but I wanted to say I have been following your thread and wanted you to know I understand. My husband did the EXACT same thing – no matter what business trip they sent him on, the first thing he would do is look around to see what casinos were near by (and near by meaning within 8 hrs??). He would even on purpose fly into another further away airport , go to the casino , then drive 3 hrs to get to the job site. I would beg him to not go – it became a joke because he would never listen to me and agreed to “not spend too much money”. And same thing as with you, since we paid our bills and have a roof over our heads, he thought it was fine and convinced me *sort of* it was fine. But not really. Once he had a meeting in southern california – he wanted to fly into Vegas on a red eye (from east coast where we live), gamble all nite then drive the 5-6 hrs to the job site!! That is crazy but he didn’t see it – I had to scream at him to not do this – but he DIDN”T GET IT! My point only is that until they realize and accept that they have a problem, they wont get it – and they wont stop. I am not sure if my husband has gotten it yet, but (according to him) he has been gambling sober since mid July – who knows if its true.
I am not sure if this helps but I wanted you to know I have been there and truly understand – the addiction makes YOU feel like the crazy one – and until he realizes he has a problem, Velvet is right that all you can do is care for you and make your own choices. Not enable his bad ones. It is hard.

I have the same issue in a way with my kids -our therapist told me I want “too much” for them to be happy – so I bend over backwards and do everything for them – and guess what? they are spoiled. And it is my fault. I need to be able to say NO and not feel guilty. Same with my husband.
**Wanting to take care of and help others at the expense of yourself helps no one**
I hope this came across as supportive and helpful – that is truly how I meant it. I am trying to rush out the door but had to comment on your post. I hear you and I am with you and support you. Go do something nice for yourself and let your husbands choices go.
with loving thoughts
XOXO
M

[madge456]

How wise you are ! It was kind to hear that you understand what I am going thru and I think without knowing it I have been trying to do what you said. I decided that was I thought would *fix everything* really wouldn’t and that maybe I just need to be ok with the fact we are in 2 different beds – and I told my cg so – It had been bothering me and I was focusing on that as the solution to everything. Now I realize that it is more important for us to try and get along and his behaviors to change than for us to be in the same bedroom. And I felt at peace with that. I am focusing on the whole picture now instead of just the parts that need fixing.
One thing I do want to say is I feel I have been **more** than patient. My cg’s problems, while not always gambling, have been going on most of our marriage. Id say 17 out of the 20 years we have been together have been filled with lies, hidden bank acou
*ts, addictions (various), disappearing at odd times, diagnosis of mental illness and the craziness there of, sexual abuses and addictions, etc, etc… And during all this time I have been supportive, been to many therapists with him for couples counseling, my own therapy, and at last addition he has had at least 6 different therapists in maybe 8 years? that I can remember anyway…not adding all the different psychiatrist he has had, falling asleep at the wheel multiple times, multiple (MANY!) car accidents, etc. I have been excruciatingly patient..too patient many people have said. So in this regard, it is not a shock that at this point I am *SO SICK* of all his drama and problems – Yet here I remain. I guess I decided for my kids this is better for now. And I had a dream last night that my cg died and I was so sad…I yearn for the good times – we had had many- and I agree that you can only be where you are and enjoy those moments.

I asked myself if I knew I only had 2 years to live, would I leave my cg? Thinking of unfinished business I might want to do (meet someone else, etc) and my answer to myself was “no” – I would not leave him bc nothing is guaranteed and I want my family – I want my kids to have a family and I want my family and my cg is trying to change.

I am not sure if this makes sense to anyone but me, but I hope it does. Ell, I appreciate all the time you took writing to me and knowing that you have asked the same questions I have..I don’t know what the answers will be but I am here daily waiting for the answers to show up.
WIth blessing of peace,
XXOO
M

[madge456]

Sending love and encouragement, every step of the way…

XOXO
M

[madge456]

Hi Berber
After reading your posts again, I felt “hey, maybe that could be us?” You seem to be doing so well and I am so happy things have worked out for you and your family. It has truly inspired me.

It has only been less than 4 months since I found out about my hb gambling, etc and when his other addictions spiraled out of control. It seems like SOO SOO much longer..So keeping in mind that it took longer for your family to heal, maybe I need to be more patient for our healing? I guess until I re-read your posts, it didn’t occur to me that it hasn’t really been that long since I found out about my hb lies…certainly less time than he spent lying to me (3years + sneaking to casino during work). So your posts made me feel like since you had success, maybe we might too? Is that silly? I don’t know..

I just wanted to say bravo for hanging in there (and with a baby and one on the way!) and working thru all these issues. You have been very brave, strong and honest with your feelings. You made me feel that *maybe* recovery is possible for my family too..

[madge456]

Wow Adele – I was just catching up on our posts and trying to digest it all. But briefly (since I have been sitting here way longer than I can!) I agree with Monique – No therapist should be talking about herself – they need to be client focused as she said and dealing only with the issues you bring up and that are “in the room”. If you do not feel this therapist is competent or a good match for you, you should feel free to switch and try to find a better fit. When I have looked for myself, I have interviewed 5 or 6 therapists over the phone and then go in for a trial session to see if I like them – it is not like buying a pair of pants – this is deep work and the fit and expertise and just overall “feel” need to be right, otherwise it is just a waste of time.
I hope I didn’t miss something in the posts and this is all old news – its hard to keep up with everything…
I also wanted to comment on your thoughts of :

“Somewhere along the way I lost interest in gardening and building things and being creative. I lost my passion for dancing, shooting pool and playing golf. I’ve not socialized much since quitting my job and I live with a non-communicative man. I’m not very comfortable in social settings anymore because I don’t have anything interesting to talk about – I’ve very nearly lost that skill.”

I totally relate to that – I feel similar in that I have devoted my life to my kids and husband and have lost myself along the way. BUT I do know I am still there – just like YOU are still there. All those passions are still within you waiting to be brought up. Its almost like finding an old scarf you once loved and saying “hey, i forgot about you,” and getting that happy feeling as you wear “your old friend”. Your skills, passions, ability to socialize are all still there – Maybe rusty, but there. I just wanted to say I relate to that line of thinking but know deep down that none of that is lost, just hibernating…
Here is to you, me and all of us here finding our passions again and doing what we need to for ourselves. I am not sure if that was helpful, but I hope it was.
As for therapist referrals, cant remember if you are in the US, but NASW (Nat; Assoc of Social Workers) has a referral list of therapists and what they specialize in – I have found that to be helpful before.
Sending love your way. Keep the faith.
XOXO
M

[madge456]

Dear Monique, San and Vera

I hear all your words and thank you for thinking of me and taking the time to respond. A special CONGRATS to Monique for her new position here at GT – I think you will (and are) marvelous at it – I actually already thought you did work here at one point!
Anyway – I do hear all your suggestions to sit with this issue, take care of myself etc and I do agree. But, as you may have guessed that is not my m.o. –

You know the saying “Don’t push the river”? I am the one IN the river trying to push it in the opposite direction! I have always been like this and it is very difficult for me not to have resolution or to “sit” with anything. I am very solution focused/driven and “waiting” for something to happen is not easy for me. I feel it must be some karmic issue I am facing bc it is excruciating for me to not have a solution. I also feel like I am wasting my time in a way bc I don’t know how long I have left on this planet – if I “hang in there ” with my CG for the next 3 years only to find out that he hasn’t/can’t change then haven’t i wasted the last 3 years of my life? I feel like I want a resolution so I can move on, but I don’t know what that is…
Professionally (Im a therapist) I know it doesn’t make any sense to make any moves when things are still so fresh and unsettled. But I also know, therapeutically it will take a LONG time for my CG to get better (if he even can) and for me to recover from his abuse. Which leads me to the conclusion of “what do i do??”
Yes: take care of myself, Yes: take care of my kids, Yes: live in the moment…but all these things are so hard and feel like they are yielding nothing when I need solutions.
My CG says his new CBT therapist says he is not a CG since he was able to stop gambling cold turkey – that instead he is addicted to lying and manipulating others around him to gain power – isn’t that another side of the same coin? He says the GA meetings don’t help him bc he is “not like those people”. SO..I am not sure where to go with that – his psychiatrist says he needs to go to meetings at least 1x a week, but he says they don’t help.

I hope this is not running in circles. I am trying to be coherent and express my sense of loss, frustration, loss of hope, over all unsettled-ness that I feel. Sometimes I feel like there is so much garbage between me and my husband that nothing can clean up that mess and it would be best to move on, start fresh. But my dream was to have a family – to have my kids, loving husband – that is all I wanted. And I thought I had it till all this blew up. I don’t want to give up on that dream but I can’t see how this can ever be fixed. There are some things from which you cannot recover…. I hope one way or another, this has a happy ending for me.
XOXO
M

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