[Lydian90]

So I just succumbed to the urges. I don’t even know how much I lost I’m still on the shake come down part. It was over a thousand. That’s 3 grand in about 3 days now.

I just signed the self exclusion waiver in the casino. Fee slightly better about it. And feel sick and ashamed at the same time.

I don’t know why it takes so many times for me to screw up and not get the message.

By the end I was just doubling up again and again trying to win it all back and obviously lost it all.

Just want to cry now. I can never stop. I’m going to be dealing with this for the rest of my life.

[Lydian90]

It’s only been 2 days and already the urges have returned and I want to go downstairs and play. It really does suck living on a ship that has a casino in.

I want to go to the tables and try my luck with a few hundred again but I know it’ll turn into a thousand +

Trying to take it one day at a time but it’s so hard being alone with so much free time.

[Lydian90]

Hi Velvet, 

Thanks for your reply. Can I check by what you mean by the facilitator? I would really like to get a firm grasp on how I can recover one step at a time and maintain it.

Maybe daily routines. The helpline sounds like a good idea. The issue is I can only use things like WhatsApp whilst at sea, ie. call through the internet. 

[Lydian90]

Fourth day here now. I’d be lying if I’d say that the thoughts hadn’t entered my mind, however quickly banished as I know I’ll never win and the only way to lead a fulfilled life is without gambling. It controls me and throws all logic and reason away. I’m a very impulsive person and now that I’ve accepted that and my illness I’m ready to grow and live my life honestly and true to myself.

I’m grateful for my friends, family and partner, my work and skills I’ve worked for.

I’m starting my new life. All the best to everyone else with this addiction.

[Lydian90]

Day 3 now. And I’m doing some nice things even though I’m still on a tight budget. My next contract doesn’t start for another 2 months so I need to budget well but the good news is I have good work until the end of the year.
I was going to use the word if, but when I’ve saved my money I need to I know I’ll be so happy with myself.
I’ve deleted all the gambling videos I’ve been watching, I requested self exclusion from a site ud been using but they’re making it incredibly difficult. They want scans of my ID and passport and my debit cards, they claim it’s to protect from money laundering but we all know the real reason.
Any more money I’ll deposit I may aswell wave goodbye too. If I gamble anymore I’ll be in serious trouble and I’m going to remind myself of this.
I’m in a few thousand debt but without gambling and working I’ll be able to pay this off this year.
If I gamble I’ll only make it worse and risk my chance of a clean slate.
Gambling isn’t fun for me anymore, it’s an addiction and I can’t stop, I lose the value of money and make myself feel like a low life piece of crap.

I’m not going to gamble today. I’m not going to feel sorry for myself, I’m going to keep reminding myself why I don’t and cannot do it anymore.
This is my real streak.

[Lydian90]

Second day, and I’m reminded again that everytime ive ever gambled I’ve lost and I’ve given away too much of my hard earned money to this illness.
Today I went kayaking (I’m on vacation as I work abroad) and had a great time. Im reminded that the whole cost of it is one measly deposit. And there’s no comparison for the experience. These are the things my money is for. Not clicking buttons and feeling like a piece of s*it.

I still feel free from this. And I’ll continue to remind myself.

[Author]

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