[LostLilo]

Frustrating week between the usual of money being tight, roommate pissing me off, and then to cap it off yesterday….my jeep throws a ball joint. Payday today and it’s gone towards the jeep. Can’t pay back what I owe anyone and that frustrates the hell out of me.
But I keep going on.
And to the gym.
Which I hope will be open tomorrow too!

[LostLilo]

The stress of getting through each day wears on me.
I’m lucky I have the gym as my escape.
Battling this disease will at least help me achieve my fitness goals and then some at this rate.
Dark humor.

[LostLilo]

I wish we could let go of the money and bills stress…unfortunately I’m so behind on everything it’s not possible at times. But we’ll get through this, right?

I did manage to get enough gas to get to work tonight and tomorrow and then Saturday I’ll head to the plasma center again and start it all over. I have things listed to sell on local sites and Ebay so hopefully some of that will go.

I hate this disease.

[LostLilo]

I spent the night with my best friend and he said what he needed to say about my addiction. He’s bailed me out so many times it’s damaged his faith in me. His eyes are tired, I know his eyes I fell into them 3 years ago and never came back and now I’ve caused them pain.
Let me state..my best friend. I love him, the feelings are returned. He loves me as much as a friend can but not the love I feel and sometimes that hurts and I’ve used that pain as an excuse to go gamble time and again. An excuse because I know that’s not what leads me there..now.
So much pain and hurt I’ve caused and I don’t know where to begin to fix it. He helped me with one rent payment though he’s getting my debit card before next payday so he can get it back and I’ll still be 2 months behind at that point.
I’m scared….scared of losing his friendship, scared of losing my home, scared that one day I’ll walk back in the casino again and come out and lost myself.

I have to go to work soon. I barely have gas to get there and back. Tomorrow I donate plasma again, it’s that little bit of money that gets me to work and back somedays.

I’m rambling again because it’s all I can do anymore.

I’m lost. I’m trying to find myself but I’m so scared it’s too late.

[LostLilo]

Thank you Laura, I appreciate your words.
I told my daughter today, she knew it had been bad in the past but she didn’t know I’d slid back again. She lives a few hours away and works in the industry as well. She’s been there too and managed to step away from her addiction. She’s disappointed in me, as am I, but trying to be supportive in believing I’ll do what I have to this time.
It’s hard to believe an addict. I know this from my own experience with others.
It’s hard to believe myself at times.

I’ll probably ramble here a lot. It seems to help me when I’m feeling down. Today, as I sit here trying to figure out how I’ll ever get out of the financial hole I’ve put myself in, today it’s what I need.

[LostLilo]

I read your comments and have been reading the stories on here.
I appreciate you all and I’m taking things day by day. I didn’t mention in my original rambling post that …to make things worse because I see it and KNOW better…I work in the gaming industry. I see people for hours every night losing and stressing and winning and celebrating to lose it all again…I watch this, I see it, and yet I still fell.
I gambled here and there Long before becoming a part of it. And honestly, the job doesn’t really tie into my needs. When I’m at work if my own urges cross my mind I seem to be able to tell myself “Look in front of you” and I leave, thinking it won’t happen.
But it does.
I’ve pawned everything I have that was of value. I’ve lost a vehicle to a title loan. I’ve slept in my car to save gas on nights I have to work. I’m so overwhelmed at times I feel manic.
My best friend, mentioned above, has tried to help me to the point that he finally realized he is enabling me. We’ve talked a lot about how I’ve made him feel. He’s going to help me by keeping my debit card for now.
I’ll keep coming here.
There is a GA meeting where I’m at…once a week…and on the morning after I’ve worked all night so that makes it not doable right now. There are a couple of meetings within 50 miles. I’m amazed and saddened at how there’s hundreds of AA meetings but very few GA.
I have insurance through work and hoped that there was the option of therapy though my EAP but I will have to pay the Co Pay and right now all I have is going towards rent and gas money.

Thank you all for letting me talk. I appreciate this site and will keep taking day by day.

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