[Losingitslowly]

Not much to post about because I am feeling guilty. I relapsed yesterday. No excuse this time since I know better, it’s the same story everytime. I had some down time because I had a headache and thought I would surf on my computer and managed to find a place that i could play. Not as bad as it used to be when I play but I still couldn’t sleep at all afterwards and am going to have a hell of a day today. Starting back at day 1 sucks and yes, I have a firmer resolve this time. Down time is still my enemy and I have to make sure that I am on guard more when it happens. I hope that everyone else has a good day today and is gamble free?

[Losingitslowly]

Suffered through that curse at new years too and it is nasty for some. I hope that you are taking it easy and sleeping lots. It takes time to get over it so take lots of time if you need it and dont try to be superwoman. Ask those around you for help

[Losingitslowly]

We win, I saw your post on another thread and am so happy that you are able to abstain. I keep looking for your posts daily and wouĺd like you to keep on your thread so you can see your own progress Instead of just jumping quickly on to others. I am quite flattered that you are able to glean some useful advice from my posts and I will always speak my truth if others are able to find it useful. I still struggle every day at this point when on a computer or phone to not to try to play, and I did find a casino I could play on today but only played demo games. My desire to have the good feelings that I associate with gambling is still present, but the fact that I cant play, for the most part, because of gamban being installed, is my saving grace. I hope that ypu are able to hold your urges in check and find something else to take its place. How is the job search going? Are you looking at all different kinds of employment as options to keep yourself occupied and help earn cash to get you back on your feet? The second job that I took is a menial job that requires little experience but will earn me an extra $ 700 per month that I can use to pay down my debt. Have you thought about getting something like that? I hope that you are well and gamble free today

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks for your concern kin, I am fine today. Enjoying a day off and trying to get some chores started/ finished and some plans are in the making. Hope that you are well today. My daughter is coming back to the land of the living, but it is hard for her as this is her first real heartbreak and she is dealing with some pretty intense emotions. The good news is that I am here for her in both mind and body and it is only because I am gamble free.

[Losingitslowly]

Jcp, I am sorry that I did not reply earlier as I had missed your post all together. When i read your post it was like I had wrote it myself. With the exception of stealing my moms credit cards, which wouldn’t have worked since they were usually maxed out anyways, your story resonates strongly with my behavior. I, too, would get the calm afterwards because I was sure now that I would be in control. It is easy to be in control when the emotions that keep you there are stronger than the urge to gamble. I, too, would make lists and projects and think that I would be improving, changing, growing, now since I decided to quit. It was always the final straw. I, too, would relapse a short time later at my phone or computer with no warning. It’s like I was in a trance. Then the excitement of depositing a small token amount to see if I could hit on it would take over. After that, all hell would break loose and there would be no stopping me.
You are right as well, that getting help when you dont want anyone to know is tough. I have a grown daughter at home and would have difficulty explaining where I was going as I dont do anything outside of work and gamble at home ( 31 days gamble free, but it was my behavior) . I cant even do video conferencing or phone interviews because my daughter has an ever changing schedule that I cant anticipate so alone time at home is hard. I find that this forum is my only place to go and hearing others stories, like yours, helps me to identify the issues and signs. If you want the best advice that anyone will offer you at this point, it is gamban (or the version offered where you live). I was not even remotely successful for any stretch of time until gamban took control of my devices and limited my ability to gamble at home. I, fortunately, do not live close to a casino so land based are not much of a temptation, but I have many devices upon which to ruin my life. If you start by limiting your options you will make it easier to abstain in the moment, and self excluding from land based will make it harder for you to go (since if you get caught and arrested you would have to explain to others the situation) . Put as many barriers in place so that your resolve can stay stronger in times when your brain no longer can help you . I hope that you are well and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

I have noticed, since I have stopped gambling that is, that when I notice something needs to be done I just do it. I had become one hell of a procrastinator when I was gambling, putting so many small, incidental things on my lists of things to do because my mind was so occupied by trying to find time to gamble. Once my mind was freed up I found that there seemed to be more time in the day to get to those things that sat on my list, and developing a routine for chores that I could stick to has lightened my mind as well. I am no longer pestered in the back of my mind by things that I need to think about finding time to do. It was exhausting. I just do things now when I have time or make time on a day in the week to get them done. It sounds so easy now, and was the way I had run my life before gambling, but I had lost that crucial part of my working brain during. It is one of the successes for me that is most notable. My performance at work has changed as well. No more sick days because I hit a good spin and thought I was in for a good day on the slots. No more lates due to the same. I am present in both mind and body and feel rejuvenated each morning when I wake. No more regrets for the day before. No more trying to figure out what lie to tell at work because I was absent or late. The web of lies was overwhelming. It’s all gone now. I have my mind and my time back and have set up bill payments again on a weekly basis to try to catch up on some debt. It’s all starting to fall back into place for me and it’s only 31 days in. I cant wait to keep finding ways to improve my life after I spend more and more time gamble free. I hope that you are all strong and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

I am taking a day off today to go and visit with my sister and am taking my daughter as well. Covid has done a number on the fabric of our family and I have not been able to visit with her for quite a few months, so I took a vacation day from job 1 to take a few things to her and to spend some time catching up. My daughter took a turn for the worse yesterday and was crying for most of the time after I left the house to go to job 2 and so my mom stepped in and spent some time with her. It’s at times like these that I appreciate being gamble free because I can be there for her more emotionally if not physically. I think about all of the times that I was there, home, and would not take a moment away from my slots to even have a real conversation with anyone. I would turn off my phone so no one would bother me and I was unavailable so often that people stopped trying. I am hoping now that this has changed and that people will come back to me and my circles will develop again. I dont have a lot of time to spend with others outside of my immediate family and work, but I am willing to try to spend the extra time that I have with others instead of by myself with the slots. It is officially 30 days today and I feel like I ha e hit my first milestone. I am concerned that I still try to open emails from casinos to see if I can play, and thankfully I cant, but I still try. I still want to gamble. I am missing the feeling. I am hoping that I never can get through and that my own resolve not to gamble becomes even stronger as time passes. Have a great weekend and I hope you are all strong and gamble free today

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks jvr, and I am thankful everyday for all that I have. I have worked hard, very hard, to have what I have and had put it all in jeopardy with gambling. I am working two jobs now to get myself back to a place where I can feel comfortable again and fight off the anxiety and worry that comes with my thinking, and I am making progress on that front. I once worked with a guy who had a drug addiction, which he received treatment for, then an alcohol addiction developed and he received treatment for that as well. It finally culminated in a gambling addiction which was the worst of it all. He lost everything and was sleeping in his van. I know that the drug and alcohol took a toll on him physically but emotionally he was worse losing everything he owned due to gambling. He eventually received treatment for that as well and with time was able to save enough money to buy a home and start over. Time can heal all wounds and my daughter is no different. If is tough now because she has serious depression issues already, and this is not helping with that. I have always just wanted her to be happy, like any parent does, and was thrilled when she had found someone I thought would help her out of her situation. He simply made things worse. Time time, time. For me and for her. For us all. I am thankful for all of the time I have with her and hope that I can be an inspiration for her as well. Hope that you have a great day and the power is back on.

[Losingitslowly]

We win, I am glad that I can be of help to you at the same time I am managing my own struggles. I am looking at time that I could never have been gamble free in the past and can honestly say that it never would have happened had I not had effective blocks in place. I know that I have some self control or I would have been at a land based casino at some point in time, but I also know that I have serious impulse control issues that I have never addressed and will most likely need to do so. As for your purpose on life, that cannot always be discerned at a given point in time. I always believed that all the crap that I had to go through in life was for a purpose, building me into the person that I was and hopefully shaping others that I have mentored along the way. I have always tried to be there for others and will always be. I am known as mom at my work and am good at being there for people when they need me while at the same time not being there for my own child because of gambling. That has changed now and I feel more balanced with every passing day and hopefully you will too. Your fight is with your brain. It is not operating with your best intentions in mind so you will have to be suspicious of all that it leads you to do. Be cautious and be safe.

[Losingitslowly]

Again, thank you kin for your concern. I am on 4 weeks clean and not going to jeopardize that, but it just seems petty to be so worried about myself when my daughter’s world is falling apart. I should know that I am not responsible for her boyfriend’s behavior but I often feel that if and when something is going well in my life the universe seems to even it out with something terrible to make me remember that life is not good to me. It has been the story of my life since I can remember so I seldom celebrate the good things because I dont want to wake the universe to cause it to even the score. I celebrated my daughters happiness and days later it was over. I am staying as hopeful as I can that things will work out in the next few weeks but I feel her pain so deeply that is difficult to focus on myself at this point. Thanks for your post

[Losingitslowly]

Your resilience has been tested over and over and still you come out swinging. Good for you and dont ever stop fighting the good fight. I need to be more able to ride the waves, but I find that my addiction has left me feeling so vulnerable at times that a knock at the door will leave me feeling like the world is collapsing. That was never me before this, it’s just that when you are engaged in a self destructive activity you live in a bubble. Anything can burst that bubble easily and then you are left out there for all to see. I am reading your posts, hearing your frustration and feeling like I can take on the day that I must face if you can take on yours. Safe travels today and I hope that you have power soon.

[Losingitslowly]

We all start our journeys in the single digits and those can be the hardest ones to chalk up. I remember trying to get past the 7 day mark every week. I would get to 6 and the 7th day would always be a day off or a time when I had lots of downtime before work and i would relapse. I am glad that you are thinking about not going when you are thinking of going. That’s usually my downfall because i have an impulse control issue and when i think of doing something that catches my attention then i have a hard time thinking about anything else. I would travel for hours by transit ,which would give me lots of opportunities to change my mind, but once i thought about going to the casino and put a plan in place nothing would deter me. I hope that you are well and making your way down a better path. Just remember ALWAYS that the best system to have money is not to give it to the casino. It’s what you will end up doing in the long run. You might as well just mail them the cheque and save yourself the gas money. Good luck today.

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks kin. My daughter, who suffers from depression and anxiety and a few other mental ailment, has just been “dumped” by her boyfriend and is devastated. I had just thanked God a few days ago for him because it was the first time in a long time that she had been happy. She is devastated and so am I. I dont know why she has to suffer so and I believe that it is my fault. She is paying for my sins. I hope that she can move past this but it will be very long and difficult and heart breaks to see her so sad. My gamble free days dont seem so important to me now. I want her happy again.

[Losingitslowly]

We win, I hope that all is well and that you are staying gamble free. Check in with us please.

[Losingitslowly]

Day 26 and having a pretty bad one. There are some emotions raging in my family right now that are bringing a lot of stress to my day and feelings of desperation and anxiety are ruling my otherwise peaceful demeanor. The outcome if a very stressful situation will be later today and it is a horror of a day waiting to find out. It seems that every te I get to a smooth patch the world turns it upside down and waits for me to smooth it out again. I’m not going to do the pity party for myself and I know that I am inevitably in charge of my own destiny and how I react to this will determine the path I am on in a week. I am better equipped today that a month ago to handle this so I must keep good thoughts on my head.

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