[Losingitslowly]

Today will be good. I had the morning off and had no inclination to gamble at all. I planted some herbs and made lasagna. I will work tonight at the second job and will get home late so I know that today is a good day for me. These are usually the hard ones, when I have time to myself and the memories hit a nerve. I took myself outside, talked myself into working even though there were others out as well, felt good about what I had done and squashed any need for gambling. I need to tune up my routine not just to keep busy, but to make the ground in my mind less fertile to grow thoughts of gambling. No thoughts, no actions. I dont “feel” much today that is not comfortable and the weather is cooperative, as it’s cool and overcast, just the way i like it. I am good today and I hope that you are too.

[Losingitslowly]

Today I am on chapter 3/ 4 of @kins autobiography. I was in chapter 3 at the beginning of this week but am trying to stay in chapter 4. I walk the same street at this point and I see the hole daily. The last 2 days have been good. I see the hole in the distance as my thoughts are not gambling ones. It comes and goes but the thoughts are really not there. I want to progress to chapter 5 but I am not ready yet. I had a bad day yesterday working with the moron I must endure and he shakes my confidence in myself which is festering ground for gambling thoughts and feelings. I came home to an empty house, which again promotes those feelings, but I did not give in. I am holding strong to seeing the hole but walking around it. I want to be walking down another street come the beginning of June. I want to be in the next chapter of my life. Chapter 5. Thanks again @kin for giving me an analogy that so fits my life that I can plan my recovery.

[Losingitslowly]

Great work. It’s hard to stop the thoughts from coming but it looks like you have done a great job rewiring the pathways in the brain. Keep your guard up because the mind is a sneaky place. If you let your guard down it will start running the thoughts that you can “gamble with control”. Been there, made that mistake.

[Losingitslowly]

It’s so hard for me to come and admit to.you all that I am screwing up so often, but I am. I dont know what is getting me to relapse so often. I am a mess at this point and will not be able to make my financial obligations this month. I was fine and I had just enough to get by. I had a calm feeling about it and then I gambled yesterday and blew all that I had to pay some bills. It’s like I want to hurt myself. I want to cause myself stress and anxiety. I need to look a bit harder into the logic of why I do what I do. Am I hurting myself on purpose? What am I guilty of? I know that I was feeling some hurt over not being able to afford some things that I wanted for outside, but then I go and make my situation worse???? Any clues?

[Losingitslowly]

Nkalei, it is good that you are starting to think about therapy and are realizing that your gambling stems from a need for something else..what were you doing/ thinking about the last time you relapsed? Is it stress related? Are you depressed as well? I’ve recently (two days ago) started to examine my own moods and needs that are not being met and some things that i need to understand and deal with and it is helping a bit knowing that it is not just an addiction, but a response that has gone wrong. I must look at my thoughts that lead me to gamble and in doing so can perhaps interrupt the pattern. The husband thing, while being a good deterrent in the short run, is not as important as you addressing your needs that are not being met that lead you to reckless and detrimental behaviors. Take care of you.

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks jvr. I will admit that it does not feel good to be on the vulnerable side of life, as the last time I was actually vulnerable was when I was in my early teen years and shoved into foster care, and I don’t have to tell you about that kind of hurt I suppose. I should have seen the signs long ago of depression because the easiest way to tell that something isnt right with me is the state of my house. It’s not filthy by any means, but it is disorganized and in need of a good dusting, and that tells you that I have lost focus. I always blamed the clutter and the mess on gambling because I would spend my free time doing that instead of cleaning, but I guess it too was a distraction provided by gambling. It is hard for me to be depressed in my current situation because I have a daughter who suffers from and is medicated for chronic depression and I always have to be the rock for her. I guess that my first steps are to examine my thoughts and the patterns and to find out why I have so many negative thought patterns that ultimately lead to me feeling so lost and alone. I had always thought that I enjoyed the solitude of being alone and still do, but I am thinking that is a defense. I have started talking to more of my neighbors as I spend time outside so that I am not always alone in my thoughts and am making some connections with others. It’s not always fun, but when I do I feel less judged by them and it relieves some of the negative aura that seems to surround me when dealing with others. Baby steps. It’s also a bit of a relief for me to know that I am “simply” depressed. It is something that now has a name and is not some weird personality disorder that cannot be fixed. I have always been the same person but i picked up some negative thought patterns that lead me to the darker side which has lead me to the even darker side of life, and i am hoping that the light that has been thrust upon it now with a “diagnosis ” will lead me out. I am still watching the gambling urges with care, but now i am watching even closer the thoughts that seem to lead me to the urges. I’m cutting to the quick, so to speak, and i hope that everyone does the same.

[Losingitslowly]

We win, I posted about my new road. It is worth while to look at why you gamble as much as try to find ways to stop. I have had a bit of a revelation about y reasons why and it is time for you to look at why you keep going back. Are you trying to avoid unpleasant feelings like me? What are you trying to escape? Please examine the root cause of your addiction and not just the avoidance of it. Talk to someone and get a new weapon to fight it.

[Losingitslowly]

No more crying kin because I have had a bit of a breakthrough. I relapsed again yesterday and for the love of all that is good I could not figure out why. I called in sick to work so that I could play and that is something that I haven’t done for a long time and by mid day I was out of money and so disgusted with myself I reached out to my sister (who has a strong background in psychology, shes actually a psychologist) and I spoke to her about my day. It seems that the “suit” that I put on every day, the busy, organized outgoing person “suit” that is put on when I leave the house is just to cover the me that is hurting. I am depressed, or so it sounds, and I do not know how to deal with the feelings when they happen so I gamble to forget them. I have an issue with negative thought patterns that are “instant”. Its like when you see a picture of something that reminds you of something bad that happened to you before. My thoughts are instant, as they pop in to my head from seemingly nowhere, cause an instant reaction, and then I react instantly in a way that either deals with or, in this case, doesnt deal with the feeling I’m having. I’ve always had an issue with being focused in my thoughts. I get weird, unrelated flashes of thoughts that I cant pin down sometimes, and it has been causing me a bit of trouble. I realized while talking to my sister that I have been depressed for a long time now, mostly because of my job changes that happened about 12 years ago, and I havent dealt with the feelings that have occured in the deepest part of my identity since. Without going into a long story, my whole identity was wrapped around two things- my work and my daughter. I was an employee and a mother and basically nothing more. It has defeated two relationships in the past because I had little left for anyone else. At some point 12 years ago there was a shift in my company and I was mistreated. I fought back to save my job and in the process ruined my reputation. I have never been able to get it back and even changed departments to get away from it. I lost without being that person. That leader. It was who i was for over 30 years. It happened on the cusp of turning 50 and losing the last long term relationship I was in. That’s exactly when the gambling started. I know now that I am in a state of depression that has been going on now for quite a while and I’ve never addressed it because I never wanted to admit that I was vulnerable. I am starting a new road today. I need to think about how I feel and learn to deal with the feelings that arise instead of burying them and refusing to allow bad emotions to surface. I dont always have to be in a good mood to everyone else. I can need like everyone else and take time to heal like everyone else. I am no different from others and that’s not easy for me to admit. I started today by going outside to work in my yard, painting some ornaments given to me by my mom. I usually associate negative emotions with outside the house because of my neighbors. I avoid the neighbors and now have learned that it’s not because I don’t like them, its beause I feel judged at the one place I should feel peace. I need to deal with the feelings that occur because I feel vulnerable at being judged and that has to do with my own feelings and insecurities and not the neighbors. Its things like this that mess you up and make you act in ways that dont make sense. I need to deal with the thoughts that drive my behavior and I’m making steps on that direction today. I am rambling on but it feels cathartic to write this so kudos to jvr. I am going to start to deal with all the mess that is in my noggin and try to make myself a happier me. I’ve learned that it’s not enough to just keep myself busy and to deflect all of the thoughts because they will find me sooner or later. I need to scrape out all of the crap that is clogging my head. Using a metaphor, it’s like a pipe. I’ve got so much built up inside that occasionally the contents begin to spill out. I have been putting a pin hole in the center hoping that it will help things to flow through, and it does for a while, but eventually the contents back up and a spill happens. I need to snake the drain, get it all out and then stop it from clogging again. I’m feeling hopeful today that with knowledge will come power. With power will come healing and with healing will come peace. I wish power to everyone who reads this.

[Losingitslowly]

I know the feeling we win, it’s tough fighting it every day and you try to relax, live life and then it sneaks back up.on you again. I am not happy with myself today either, but you had 7 good days , which is a good start, so just keep building on it. Sometimes I’m not sure if its good to count the days or not. When I count the days I remember gambling, I think about the last time I played, and it brings back the desire. I want to think of my life in more than gamble free days most times, and dont want the highlight of my days to be the fact that I didn’t do something, I want to think about the things I did do. Right now it seems that my thoughts of my days are about not gambling and garbage day, and, sigh, it depresses me a bit. Today I will think about not gambling but more so, I will think about doing some gardening and organizing something in my house. I want to look back on today and think about something good that I did and not just about something bad I didnt do. It’s time to free myself from the chains in my mind. Do something worth remembering today and so will I.

[Losingitslowly]

Feeling a bit like I need to do something different with my life. All I do is fight every day. I fight too hard to get nowhere but when I let my guard down I slip back in. I am tired of standing on the edge of the quicksand, pulling hard to just stay out. It takes all of my thoughts, all of my energy, and it gets me no where but on the edge of the quicksand. One wrong move and I slip back in…..I want a life away from the edge. I have to think about something else. I need another goal. I want more. I am thinking that I need another routine. A routine that includes doing more than simply surviving this horrible addiction and doing something meaningful. You know it’s bad when you mark the time in your week by the number of days until garbage day. I am doing that. I stand in my kitchen thinking that, geez, it’s two days until garbage day, boy the week went fast. Great life, huh?. I do not want to be the food for this addiction because I am nothing else anymore. I cry as I write this because I relapsed last night because I was alone. All I could think about when I got in the house was a try at a game. I Wanted to have something else in my day other than work and dinner. It shows me that I need something else other than gambling as my only out from my pathetic day. I am going to think.long and hard about what else I need to do to get my life on another track. Have a good day everyone.

[Losingitslowly]

Back on track and keeping busy. I dont worry too much about the gambling urges on my busy days but am facing them again on the not too busy ones. I am facing some financial crunches this month and next but i am hoping that my periods of abstinence will help with the bills being paid. I hope that you all are well and enjoying the spring weather. It’s been nice here and we need some sun and fresh air to draw us outside and away from the evil that lurks inside. I hope that you are all strong and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

Welcome nkalei. I totally understand where you are coming from and have had the same feelings of disbelief at my own recklessness for quite a while. I , too, am an online casino addict. It all starts the same way. We never start out trying to hurt anyone, including ourselves, but this type of addiction is sinister in nature and will take everything you have, including your family, if you let it. The best thing you could have done is gamban. It is essential that it be on all of your devices though or it will not work. I put it on my laptop but then started playing on my iPad, then hen I put it on that I started playing on my phone. I’ve relapsed on my daughters laptop so, as you can see, in the beginning you will need to put it on anything that you can play on. It’s good that you do not have access to land based casinos as it would be more tempting when you try to stop, but watch when you are travelling that you dont start entertaining ideas of going to those. Its good that you told your family but as you can see, it’s not going to stop the behavior at this point. The brain is tricking you at every turn to play and you need to put as many blocks in place at this point until you are better able to resist the urges. You’ve made a good start, just know that your brain will be trying to resist any more attempts to stop so make sure that you stifle any and all ways to gamble electronically before it starts to figure out ways to bypass your attempts. I’ve been there. Keep posting. Stay strong.

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks kin. I am still navigating my way. All the streets look the same and while some look like I’ve been down them before, it seems that I am not as well travelled as I might hope. I will keep looking for my street that is free of quick sand and try to stay on it. Glad you are well. About the eczema have you tried a gluten free diet? It worked wonders for my daughter.

[Losingitslowly]

Thanks for the offer. I have blocked so many and sad any that come to my spam folder, the problem is when a new “sister casino opens up I’m fair game. I will only look at my e.ail folders now when I am at work so that I cannot act on any great “offers” that I get. I will start over knowing that I can keep adjusting my behavior to beat whatever obstacles come my way. Thanks again. Hope that you are well and feeling better these days.

[Losingitslowly]

We win, it sounds like we all have the same tone in our posts to you – what is your plan to stop? It’s not enough to want to stop, you have to make a plan. As you can see, I posted about my relapse yesterday. I still need to update my plan weekly to avoid some of the triggers and dangers that still exist in my immediate circle. What are your plans to keep yourself away from your triggers? You need a plan that will work for you. I have issues with online casinos and I have to avoid emails and offers that are sent to me while I am home, in the danger zone, to prevent relapses. My plan is to not look at emails while I am home so that I cant access the gambling and delete them while I have no options to gamble. It has been working for me in the past few months so I need to reinstate it again. Have you put any blocks in place to limit your triggers and access? I hope that you are well and get back to us soon.

[Author]

Posts