[Losingitslowly]

Thanks kin. I read yours as well and your responses to others. I have begun to feel that I need to journal the good as well as the bad days and that if anyone can glean something to help them in their journey then it is good. All of our roads are different but our destination is the same and I have begun to see that it is hard to give others directions when you arent travelling together. I will only tell of my travels and hope that the content will help me and others map out how I got there. The one thing I take with me is your analogy of “walking down a different road” because it is one that we can all use and one that commits to my mind a mental image that befits this predicament. I “see” that hole in the road and I dont want to fall in again, knowing that the result is always the same. Thanks for that, kin. I hope that you are well, employed, and gamble free still. Have a great day

[Losingitslowly]

I know that I am facing this obstacle alone because I choose to. My sister knows of my situation and is there to help if necessary but I choose not to include her. She has her own life and troubles and I know that she needs to focus on herself. In keeping things to myself, not only do I face the enemy alone but I fight the enemy on my terms. I got paid today and almost every cent i made went to bills. I am on a few repayment plans since I got behind on a few bills so the amounts are a bit steep, but I know that this will not last forever. In a month or so I will be back to regularly scheduled payments in reasonable amounts and the feeling of drowning will leave, if only for a moment. I plan to be on repayment plans for a while and on weekly payments forever because that’s how I used to do it. When I was right, that is. I try to remember when I had it all down pat, smoothly running through life instead of jumping from one obstacle and emergency to another. I am trying now to keep the reigns on. Keeping things under control may not seem like fun, may not seem like a long term solution, but I am a person of extremes. If I can now keep myself under control I can right the wrongs that i have done to myself and get back to a place where I can look myself in the mirror and smile. I need to swing to this extreme, for the time being, so that the pendulum can once again sway closer to the middle. I am hoping for fee ups and downs, only calm and predictable times for the next year until I am calm and predictable and better. I am hoping that you all are happy and gamble free today

[Losingitslowly]

All kinds of new thoughts are coming through these days. I was on my way home yesterday, feeling a bit blue because of the financial mess that I am in. I know that with some focus, restraint and patience, in time, I will be back on track. I was looking at about 2 years of no gambling, paying regularly on my debts I will be out of trouble and back to a more normal format of financial thinking and goals. It’s a long time when you are looking at things day to day, but as time goes by and the gambling urges are pushed to the back, I am hoping that it will be easier. As i was thinking of all of this I noticed others. I take transit (I live in a major metropolitan area) and I looked around me. Not far from where I live there is a government subsidized building. The people that live there are, for the most part, living either in poverty or close to it because the building is used for those who cannot afford housing under traditional methods. I see the same people everyday coming and going to work and I begun to think about their predicament, and the fact that they can barely afford housing costs. I have a good job and make a decent wage. The only reason I am in any sort of trouble is because of gambling and I felt very small. I put myself in this financial crunch and thank God that I have the means to try to get myself out. I am more determined and have an even stronger resolve at this point to act in a more responsible way and make the best of what God has given me. That is how I feel today and I hope that you all can understand my position and find some comfort in yours. Have a great day.

[Losingitslowly]

I’ve started to feel the urge peeking through all of my daily routines. It’s like a tiny little itch that you cant scratch (because it’s in a delicate area) and you try to just forget that it’s happening. It goes away and then reappears at another time. On and off, not really needing attention but lurking. You know it’s there when it is but you forget about it totally when it’s not. Online gambling has become totally legal in canada now and the ads are running non stop on the t.v.. Every time I watch any station I see them and, although I’m not driven at that point to gamble, its putting the seed in there that presents itself at other times. I am not going to give in. I am journaling every day what I do and achieve and I dont want to write that in, that i have failed again, so i am putting it out to you, today, and hoping that this will help scratch the itch and it will be satiated for a while longer.

[Losingitslowly]

I managed to spend one and a half hours planting yesterday and spent a bit of time this morning planting some more. Little jalapeno plants with little peppers already sprouting. This gives me joy. I am attending to the things that I must do every day so that life runs a bit more smoothly. I believe that, for me, the calm of a routine existence will help the flow of mind and body so that there are few highs and lows. I have begun to hate the anxious feeling of ‘needing” to do something. I am much more content with a list of things to do that gets done a bit at a time, so I chip away at the list until I regain the feeling of control and accomplishment again. It is boring, perhaps, but the roller coaster ride of gambling and ignoring the rest of my life has left me in need of calm and predictability for the time being and it is what I will use my time to strive for. Today I will work, make dinner and tackle a few odds and ends. I will journal my work, tick it off my list and enjoy a good sleep that comes with it. I hope that you all are happy and gamble free today.

[Losingitslowly]

Don, when I first started posting on this site I had someone call me out for making excuses and walking slowly and carefully around MY truth. I resented their comments, of course, but that was because I wasnt ready to face everything that I had become. I am, by nature, an honest person and sometimes a little too blunt. You seem to be at a precarious point and I thought that a quick run to the front of the line could save you some time. Sorry. You must find out your own truth when you need to to heal. I was just hearing things on your posts that I used to think and others have pointed out to me to be traps. I will abstain from now on.

[Losingitslowly]

I got some great deals on shrubs and plants from the garden center and decided to spruce up the garden a bit more this week. I love to watch things grow and when I see plants that have little veggies growing on them I feel more connected to life and my world. I am an earthy being and love fresh air and green spaces and I just dont get enough of either these days with all the time I spend at work, so I am trying to spend a little time each morning tending to my small space. I am happy and gamble free today, and that’s all that matters to me.

[Losingitslowly]

Don, I am sorry if I sounded harsh and yes, you are a new comer here, but I wanted to reach out and tell you of the “catches” in your posts that I thought were at risk of jeopardizing your sobriety. It is something that we all eventually learn, that winning or losing is not even a component of addiction. It all doesnt matter and it is an excuse that our mind gives us to keep going back. Chasing losses. Inside information that we think will help us with our bets. It’s always in the mind and keeps triggering relapses and I thought that I should say something. Hope that you are well.

[Losingitslowly]

Well, I had three days off this week and what was usually a time of relapse and depression has now become triumph and reflection. I always dread the days off because I know that the triggers will always be there, but this time I took out my day timer in the morning, first thing, and made a list of what I needed to do that day. Organization and sense of purpose are always good motivation and it works for me. I managed to get all of my floors washed and cleaned and it felt good. The second day was laundry and bathrooms and a little food prep so I was really feeling good. Yesterday was some things off of the list of “to dos” and I am up and feeling good about my progress. It’s all well and good to not gamble when you are physically unable to but it is harder, for me, to not gamble when I am not restrained from doing so by work or other responsibilities. This was a triumph for me and a marker in my progress. I have also taken the only means of gambling – my daughters old laptop- and put it in the garage. It is in a container with some other old things and it is out of reach. It is harder to justify picking it up if I have to go outside and into the garage and dig for it. I am hoping that the extra effort will give me time to change my mind. I am feeling good about my progress this last few weeks and I believe that I am on my way to a more permanent recovery path than before. My brain doesnt think about gambling in the same way it used to and that gives me reason to feel good about my thought patterns. I am using my time to do things that will make me feel good about myself and being creative at righting my previous wrongs so things are good at this end. I have stopped counting the days that I am gamble free and started counting the things I am feeling good about. It has been over three weeks since I have gambled and I believe that I am very happy about that. I hope that everyone is strong and gamble free today

[Losingitslowly]

Don, I keep hearing you say that you are not lucky and end up with no money. The thing about gambling addiction is it’s not about whether you are lucky or not- I was very lucky a lot of the time. The issue is that it doesnt matter if you won, you will always gamble it all away until there is nothing left. It is the very nature of the disease. If you think that your addiction is present only because you keep playing and you are unlucky, then you will never be able to beat it. You have to come to the realization that the problem is with the need to gamble, not the form or outcome. If you cannot stop gambling in any capacity then it is a problem with gambling, not luck. I used to dream about ways that I could predict the outcome of slot machines based on the display of certain symbols at specific times. It’s the same as your baseball issue. It doesnt happen and it doesnt matter. I have a problem and so do you. Stop thinking about bad luck and start thinking about good decisions. You cant stop playing because you dont win. You have to stop playing because you cant stop playing and in the end you are bound to lose. Everything. Period. Tell us how you are doing.

[Losingitslowly]

I feel like I had another setback and motivator all at the same time. I posted yesterday that my and my daughters phones were cut off yesterday because i owed money. I owe money everywhere, as most of us gamblers do, and had been ignoring it up until recently. I also have a problem with shopping- mostly grocery- and have a house full of food and necessities to last a while. I have been trying to budget and stop shopping so much the last couple of weeks and have been doing well, and have been starting to exist on the stockpile that i have in my house. The feeling I get from being able to pay down part of an outstanding debt is a powerful one and is motivating me to budget even more and be more resourceful so that I can get myself back to the point where i actually am paying current bills and not old amounts outstanding. I used to have my bills set on auto payments so that each bill was paid in part each week, with extra being paid on the accounts so that i never owed. I had an excellent credit score and lots of available credit. That is not the case anymore and i will have to try very hard to repair the damage I’ve done over the past 5 years. I have a strong finance background, believe it or not, and have the capabilities to make a budget and stick to it but it’s a struggle because of my impulse control issues. My entire life is in need of an overhaul and that’s what I have begun to try today. I am regimenting my day a bit more so that I am accountable for what I do. I feel that I need the feeling of success on a few levels to help with the crap that keeps flying into my life, so I will create it in any way I know how. I hope that you all are g.f. and happy today.

[Losingitslowly]

I’m with you dark energy. I had a great day today until my daughter came home upset that her phone had been cut off. Mine too, only I hadnt noticed. I owed them, of course, and they unexpectedly cut my phone off until i paid the balance
Luckily for me I had one credit card that I could still use and that had to cover. I am on the way to recovery and it feels that all the good feelings get very quickly overshadowed by the damage I’ve already done. I’m on a bunch of payment plans with utilities and such to get myself back in the clear but it will be at least one more long, lean month before I am caught up. I have financial plans for after that and if I dont screw up again it could be a bit easier in the coming months. I just worry about any unexpected disaster that would put me in a tailspin so I’m always on guard. I know that a lot of people live this way and AREN’T in it because of gambling and I appreciate those people more every day. It is incredibly humbling and life altering to be living paycheck to paycheck and I know I’m starting to develop new life skills even at my age. I have always been financially responsible and independent and am reeling from all of my bad decisions in the past few years. I wish it could all be over and back to the way it was before faster than it is actually happening. I feel your anguish but, as they say, we didnt get into this trouble in one month and we wont get ourselves out that quickly either. I’m just hoping that this too will build character as I hope that there will be a positive to all this effort.

[Losingitslowly]

Great weather today and I cant actually believe that I will have 3 days off- actually off of both jobs this week. I am puttering around the house today watching some t.v. and washing the floors in my house. I made my daughter lunch to take to work today and will be attacking a few things on my to do list. Days off used to be a trap for me but I am hoping that with no access to funds and some willpower I will get through this week. Hope you all are g.f. today.

[Losingitslowly]

Hi again Don, I am a fellow canadian and you can definitely get gamban on your devices here. The best move I made was installing them on all devices because the insidious nature of this disease will drive you from one device to another as it drives you from one store to another with your lotteries. The best suggestion that I can give is to a) avoid going to the corner store if that is an issue. It’s not a big thing for most but it is for you so avoidance is the key until you have better control of the demon that is pushing through. Or b) carry little or no money if you are going to be near one so that the access is limited. I have a few other shopping vices and have learned that if i dont have money with me I cant overspend. I bring what I need and get only what I came for. You have to make a real, solid plan to get yourself in a safe zone. The most important thing in the first few weeks is to block your access so that your mind has a chance to rewire the patterns set forth by gambling. It works. Really. I go days without even thinking about it and when I do it is with disdain because of all of the hardship it is causing me right now. Make a plan. Write down your issues and then make a plan to combat access. It will be what makes or breaks your recovery because, at this point, anything else short of being locked in a room will not be enough. Stay strong.

[Losingitslowly]

You are right of course, but waiting for things to pass can be a grueling time to endure and while waiting for issues to surface it can be terrifying. I am not sure why I gamble these days since my abstinence is the most important thing to keep in my mind, but other things must be bubbling underneath, making it hard for any real progress to take root. I am at the point now where I am in real jeopardy, financially, and have to start a new route to make up for all the harm that I have done. I am focusing on being resourceful and creative, financially, so that I have not done permanent damage. It takes a lot of my thoughts and energy these days and that is good because the feeling of success and the actual success are something that I can hold on to and use to lift myself up. I sometimes feel that, because I had struggled all of my life to beat the odds and be in a place that was comfortable and moderately successful, I created a circumstance wherein I had to start over again to give myself purpose. I’m not sure if that is the underlying cause of all of my issues, but I am here now, in that circumstance, and am in full gear getting myself out. I hope that you are well and I will keep posting.

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