[Losingitslowly]

All was going well until I had a little down time yesterday morning.
nI had been out in my garden, put on the tomatoe cages, weeded and put down some mulch, walked the dog and even started some laundry. While I have my coffee in the morning is the danger time. I like to pick up some form of technology and check the daily news, weather, and to my dread, the emails. I subscribe to soooooo many things via email that I need to delete at least 50 per day and I usually start out first thing. Yesterday I had an email from an online casino that refuses to close my account. I ha e emailed, instant chat, requested and requested and the account never closes. I had over $300in bonus cash in my account. What’s the harm in playing out the bonus cash and then putting another load of laundry in? Wrong. A good sum of my own money later and I hadn’t even made dinner by 7. I get lost. I have to.play until there is nothing left. Every time. They make it so hard to cash out of those places that everytime I try I just end up playing it out. It’s in the light of the next morning qhe I dont want to wake up because I have failed again that I realize its technology that keeps us in touch but also keeps us slaves to needing to know. When I couldn’t access gambling on my technology I didnt abuse the time I spent on it per se. I do surf you tube a little too long sometimes, so if I am busy I just dont open the laptop. My phone is the enemy right now and I need to find a way to isolate myself from it on those times where I will find myself vulnerable. I am feeling that it is more than just this aspect of my life that needs to change and it may result on more of an overhaul than I am really comfortable with. I need yo think about this more and gamble less. I think about nothing at all when I do that, and that’s my biggest hurdle.

[Losingitslowly]

I have long since been the mom at work dolling out advice to the bright eyed young ones who will probably never listen. Sometimes they just want to be heard and reassured that I care enough to offer advice. Sometimes they actually think that I am right. I, too, am frequently wrong about my addiction and let myself down repeatedly. I think that I have a handle on it and then find myself staring at the person in the mirror I dont recognize anymore. As a fellow addict, you most likely do offer some insight in your advice that you give others. Dont give up the position. Many people could use your thoughts and experience, but keep in mind that you, too, must listen to others who are in the same position. We all have input. We all need help. Walk the line between and allow for literal give and take. I will try to heed my own advise as well 

[Losingitslowly]

That was a lot to take in and yet so concise you wonder why this is not a part if your own knowledge base. We all know that we have it in us to succeed and to beat this thing because all addiction can be overcome by making the right choices. On the days that I dont gamble I think, boy that was easy, and i think that i have overcome its grasp. Then i start to want the feeling of being relaxed, usually after a horrible day like today will most likely be, and my mind wants to forget all about what I had to endure all day. I think that because I managed to mot gamble for the past days, weeks or months, that I am better prepared to do just a “little”. Its there that i lose sight of my own weakness and quickly become enveloped. I literally can’t stop. I feel like my house could be on fire and I would be running out still pressing the spin button. It’s hard to accept that something as trivial as a game can take over your free will. I watched an episode of Star Trek TNG once where they had these little gaming devices that they were playing that became addictive and no one would stop. They all fought so hard to overcome the evil that these games represented and that is what I think of sometimes when I have been overcome by a bought. That little game is designed to take over my brain and make me want to play. If I don’t start, it cant do that. I have to work on the not starting since i know that i cant stop once i do. I plan on keeping very busy in the next cycle. I need to stay away from all things electronic after work and first thing in the morning. I will journal here and then away goes the phone. It is my best chance at getting the influence out of my line of sight and winning this otherwise tiresome battle. I hope you all can keep the demons at bay for one more day. After all, it really is like the AA motto of “I will not drink today”. I will not gamble, at least for today.

[Losingitslowly]

My thoughts and aspirations of a new life and a day one to beat all of the other day ones has begun with a but of a hiccup, but not something that I cannot get over. My neighbor had a small fire issue at there house at 130 a.m. and sleep was not had in any great quantity last night. I am tired and a bit dishevelled this morning, but it’s up and off to work I will go. I will start to journal here and in my planner so that I have something g to look back on and someone to talk to about this,even if it is only myself. Today is a good start because it is a day that I call v.f., meaning that I dont have to work at all with my boss, whom I loathe. Fake and incompetent are a great combination. Anyways, today, none of her. I did some laundry first thing, dishes and made lunch. My kitchen is clean. I am good to go. I dont worry today about the gambling because I will be busy. I am strong in my resolve so there will be none of that today. The problem lies in the fa t that my resolve seems to last less and less these days and my v.f. days are few and far between. On the days that I work with the boss I am frustrated and hateful. Not my style but she brings out the worst. That’s the problem with the situation that seems to be the catalyst for my gambling. It frustrates the hell out of me and I cant seem to do anything to improve the situation. It’s been so many years of joy followed by so many more of anguish that there is a struggle to try. I need a new identity that doesnt involve work but I am 55 this year. How do you start over now?

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