[Losingitslowly]

I have trouble self excluding from some so they make it so difficult to do it. They make you contact support and when you mention that you want to self exclude they just leave you hanging indefinitely. Then when you do finally get hold of someone again they say it will be for one day and then they will send you an email and then you have to reply to it to make it permanent, but that email never happens. I have, on some that do not have an auto self exclude buttons, put in limits to my deposit at the lowest amount possible. I know that I felt so strong in the morning, I wanted so bad to hit the 7 day mark for the first time in a long time, and I thought that I had it under control. I thought that I could go back to that casino and just get the $75 that they had put into my account. When I saw the games and felt the rush, that was it. I was a goner. The feeling in my stomach of the adrenaline was too much to resist. I thought that I could just play out that money and be done, but I was wrong. The end result is that I am still not as strong as I need to be to be confronted by the temptation at this point. I am an alcoholic 6 days sober who walked into a bar, sat down and had a drink right in front of them. My game plan didnt work this time. I need to adjust my game plans from now on in to include total evasion. I will need to make sure that I do not expose myself to the temptation when I am at my most vulnerable, which is in the morning on my “day off” . Here I sit, at day one again. I am disappointed in myself. I hope that by being honest with you I can no longer hide being at day one again and that my shame will put this failure in the front of my brain. I did not win the fight. I lost. Hard to say to oneself and to others, but in pain I will find strength. Hope you all are strong today.

[Losingitslowly]

What did I just post 8 hours ago? I screwed up because a casino told me I still had money in and I fell for it. I must start again. Sorry to you and myself for thinking I had this licked.

[Losingitslowly]

When I look at the nuts and bolts of gambling I am trying to think of it as something much less sinister. We are all confronted by an activity that we must avoid. If this was not going to a particular store, not eating a particular food, or not speaking to a particular person I believe that we could do it. We could rationalize with ourselves that the activity in question is not good for us, is too costly or leads to otherwise bad results. Why is it that our brains can rationalize that kind of avoidance but not gambling? What does it provide for us other than an escape to an even worse reality than the one that we exist in currently? We never walk away with money, contentment or pride. We hate ourselves afterwards. It depresses us and gives us yet one more thing that we must hide and lie about. It doesnt make us feel any better about who we are or what has happened to us. It only lets us escape from our grim reality for just a while, then it drops us right back in, only the situation is worse and so are we. I am strong today. I am like an addict. My nephew is a heroin addict and when I first found out I thought ” well gee, all he has to do is kick the habit. He has to pick him self up, dust himself off and start treating himself with more respect.” Same goes here. All I have to do is nothing. Not play. Not give in to a mental craving, which is easier than a physical one. I have to be thinking, all of the time during the times when I am most prone, that I cant do this to myself anymore. I have to remember the sorrow and pain of you, all of you, and think that if I can overcome, we all can. I have spent the last week being more of me than i have in a long while. It’s been refreshing. I liked the old me and i think i really do want to start liking me again. I’m tired of feeling so different from everyone around me. I’m joining the human race again today. I’ve been on the outside way too long. It may take a while to begin to find a source of a dopamine high, but the feelings I have in its place are so much better than the loss that I feel the other 95% of the time after I gamble. It’s a trade off I’m willing to make. I’m going to mark today as my day 7 with confidence as I know I will not gamble today. Hope you all are strong today as well.

[Losingitslowly]

Its obsessive compulsive disorder with a smidge of anxiety issues blended in. I am fully aware that I tend towards the obsessive side of the spectrum and I try to balance things as best I can. I’ve been responsible for myself and my environment for so long that I NEED to be a bit on the far side of things in order to feel safe and prepared. For the most part it has worked out for me because I am an incredibly conscientious employee and mother. It doesnt work in some social situations and a few mundane everyday things like having people over to my house. My house is my personal space to me, not just a structure. I need to have a bit more coaxing when it comes to having people over, quite like trying to get someone to have intercourse. I need time. I know it’s most likely a function of abuse,as we have concluded, but it is present nevertheless. Work on it I will when I get the other thing I’m woorking on sorted out.

[Losingitslowly]

I was right. I did not gamble yesterday. I made it through the morning and got into work on time ( which never happens if I am engaged in a morning bender) and although I had a bad day with one of my co workers ( who is a total ass and likes to try and vent all if his pent up anger on me constantly) I stayed at work, finished my day and came home. My issue started when I came home. I am a bit of an odd duck when it comes to my home. I spent some time in my teen years in foster homes. I had a point in my life where I was homeless at 16 and living in a hostel in Toronto. I finally found a place where I could stay but had to pay rent and so I have been working to support myself for most of my adult life. I consider my home as my sanctuary. I dont like people to just drop in. I can have people over but it takes a bit of mental preparation and usually a lot of fussing before I feel comfortable. If I need something fixed, it takes a while before I am comfortable with having someone I dont know come in. It’s my “thing”. I have a daughter with multiple “things”. I came home yesterday to find that she had had someone over to the house. She knows how I am and still disregarded my feelings. I came home to a place that I could not feel comfortable in and did not sleep well. I am still dealing with the feelings today and realize that my gambling has made these feelings even more intense since this is the place where my secret is. I gamble at home. My house is in a bit of a disarray at this point because we had covid last month and hadnt taken down the Christmas tree and decorations and they are now waiting to back in the garage everywhere I need to vaccuum badly but havent had much time lately working the two jobs and gambling when I had spare time. I realize that I need to get some things done and started this morning but I cant shake the feeling of being violated. If my daughter has this little respect for the toll having someone in without me being prepared has, how do you think she would treat me or respect me if she knew about my addiction? I will stay strong today. The feelings I am still processing have left me unable to even think about trying to relax and that is what I need to do to get my mind into gambling mode. Perhaps she did me a favor? I hope everyone is strong today.

[Losingitslowly]

Hopefully the sacrifice that you make will help.keep you in check. If you do start to save then perhaps you can put that money into some sort of investment or bond that you cant touch for an extended period of time. Keeping it at arms length is something that I should have done with a large sum that I had and , well, it’s all gone. Congratulations on your continued abstinence and I hope that you are able to continue. I am very sorry about your dog. I hope that you can spend as much time as possible with him. Perhaps you should keep in touch as both a deterrent and inspiration for others

[Losingitslowly]

Update please. You have done so well for so long. Fight it with all that you have because if you don’t there will literally be nothing left.

[Losingitslowly]

At this point, the only therapy that I can access daily is this site, and I think that it is probably the most effective. I read the despair of others and their feelings of hopelessness and it helps me identify with mine. I am so good at masking my own pain that no one would ever know that it exists. It fools me sometimes and I try to believe that everything is just fine. It’s not. I am entering into my day 5, working later today as we are on shifts and feeling the “tingles” as I picked up my phone. I could play for a short time before I go to work, my mind says to me, and I try to disregard as I access this site. After reading and responding to you and others the tingles go away and I am stronger. I will not gamble today and I know that for a fact. I will put down my phone when I am one this post and move on to sometime more constructive than gambling and I will feel good about my decision. Thank you to everyone for being there for me. Hope that you are strong today

[Losingitslowly]

Hi steph,
It’s ok to relapse. It happens to all addicts so give yourself permission to be pissed with yourself and then start again. The worst thing you can do is let it fuel the despair that will keep you n the cycle that brings you back again and again. You can celebrate your time of abstinence as well as kick yourself in the butt for relapse. Remember how it felt to be free of that monkey on your back. Know how miserable the relapse has made you feel and move on. There are so many times in a persons daily life when they do something that they said they wouldn’t do- eat a donut, buy something they shouldn’t, forget to exercise- and this is just like that. Learn what made you start again and adapt your life again to avoiding it. I admire you so much for being able to do 3 months. I can’t get through 7 days at this point. I will vow to try to do 7 days and you start on your 4 month goal??? Starting again is all you can do other than dwelling on a mistake and letting it take back your life. What’s it going to be?

[Losingitslowly]

To me it seems that we have so much in common. You are a person that is prone to addiction, I am a person who is prone to obsession. I have never had an addiction ( except smoking, which I gave up without even trying when I became pregnant with my daughter many years ago – it made me sick so I had to stop) but I am prone to becoming obsessed with things as they peak my interest. I have had food issues, home remodeling obsessions, fitness obsession and on and on. I can’t do anything new without becoming totally obsessed with it until the fire for it explodes and burns out. This is my first addiction and J admire you for having overcome other addictions for such a long period of time. It would be sk wishy to fall back into those after the life you have been living, and you must give yourself so much more credit than you are for staying sober. If you can overcome those additions then I have no doubt that you can kick this ones ass. You have inner strength. You know that it is there, you just have to tap into it, bring it to the front of your mind, and let it take over. Let it at your gambling addiction. It will win. If you dont think it will then it will not win. Half the battle of doing anything difficult is knowing that you can. Know that you can because you have done it before. Hope that you have a great day and keep counting up!!!

[Losingitslowly]

I feel so sad when I hear the stories of others like you who are at their worst. I can identify with all you say even the part about thinking of ending it all, and I too have a daughter that keeps me from even entertaining the idea. I hold on to the knowledge that I didnt get myself into this in one day and it will take more than one day to get out. Every day, every dollar that you dont put in is a victory. We know that we will end up putting every single cent we have in, so a dollar saved is a victory! If you have paid back two grand, that is great. Don’t look at how long it will take you to get out. Each day I look at the money I still have left, where it is going to go, and the feelings of relief start to replace the panic. It’s a good feeling. I am in a good amount of debt as well and have taken on a second job to try to earn more and keep myself busy. I realize that if I keep all of my income and dont gamble any of it that I will be out of debt a lot quicker. Often we panic about the debt we are in without fully realizing that if we just STOP gambling the situation will rectify itself. Gambling has gotten us in and will keep us in this situation unless we stop. Easy solution if you are not an addict, right? Limit the money that is available to you. Put it into an account that you cant access online. Call credit cards and tell them to freeze your use of them. I reported mine lost so that I cant use them to gamble. If they send you new ones dont activate them right away. Dont even open the envelope. Pay bills as soon as money is in your account so you can’t use it to gamble. We all need help. Help yourself by limiting access to funds until you are stronger. You will get there. Take your sorrow and turn it into anger. Gambling and the places that offer if have ruined the last two years of your life. Take them back. I hope that you stay strong today

[Losingitslowly]

I have found that , even if I unsubscribe to one, the sister casinos start with another name and send me one. It never ends. To me, the act of deleting is an affirmation that I’m not giving in. It empowers me. I cannot go to any land based casinos in my province because I have self excluded, in person, so that the very act of going in could get me arrested. It was when I thought that I had said enough is enough. I found the casinos so depressing afterwards that I would be in a funk for a week. I hardly ever went for that reason but the temptation was there and I have to rid myself of all possible means to gamble. I have blockers on my laptop that are quite effective but not so much on my phone. The next couple of days will be tough for me but I am leaning on you and others to give me the strength to get through. If you need anything just post and j will try to get back asap.

[Losingitslowly]

Well, I got through last night, which is great, and am adding one more day to my tally. I’m on day four now. I said to myself this morning that I will make 7 days this time. I say it every week and i am praying that, by joining this forum, I will feel that the accountability will help. I was all alone last night when I got home from work, save for the two yipping dogs, and this would usually be a time where I would cruise the internet for casinos to join. I am lucky that I have self excluded from most, so I need to find new ones all of the time. It takes time, and effort, and sometimes stops me from even trying. There are the ones that send me emails in my spam files every day. There are always 5 or 10 offering me free spins or something, and sometimes they are the ones I try to join. I have decided that during the day, when I am at work and unable to give in to any urges that may arise, I delete all of those emails every day so that there is nothing left to tempt me when I get home or the next morning. I am finding that if I do some preventative measures in the times that I am on track and have some strength I am better equipped to handle the urges when the opportunity for me to gamble is there. Last night I didn’t allow myself to access my phone. It stayed in my purse and i had a list of small chores for myself to do after work to keep my mind occupied. I also had dinner already ready for myself, as for some reason, I am less likely to gamble if I have eaten and am satiated. It is a small victory for some, but it is a step in the right direction for me so I claim one more day.

[Losingitslowly]

So sorry to hear that everything has taken a turn for the worst. As with all other turns, the only thing you can do is dust yourself off and start over. Day one is a good place to start when there is no other way to go. I hope that you find another job and just stick to trying to make money the old fashioned way- working, being paid I know for myself I hadnt a financial issue until I started to win at the casino. All the wins equaled 10 times it lost. Thanks for sharing and I hope others hear your message as well.

[Losingitslowly]

Let it put if it heals. If it’s too much for some they can read it in pieces. I feel your pain when you post and if that helps you feel like there is someone out there who is connected to you, then that’s great. If it 1helps, that is what it is meant to do. I too feel that by posting to you and others that I am accountable for my actions. It helps me and so I do it.
I have watched shows on addiction before and often they advise spouses to leave the situation in order for the addict to seek help. Sometimes it is what’s best for both. I think your father is naive to state that the spouse should never leave. Each situation is different. A marriage is a union of two people and it should be a beneficial one for both. He cannot stay in it for you if it is not what is good for him. He may be so overburdened by his own situation that he cannot help you with yours. Or perhaps he didnt want you to be burdened with him while dealing with your own traumas. It could be many things. When you are better, feeling more like a conversation about your direction in your future, it’s a conversation you can have. Now you just need to work on you and perhaps look forward to the day when you can be a more healthy participant in a healthy relationship

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