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Great feelings are good feelings!!! We must try to remember that we didnt get in this situation that we are in in a day, month or even a year, so we wont get out of it that fast either. Keep chipping away and see what you will find.
Hi steph. The only thing worse than going through what you are going through at this point is to do it with the feeling of failure looming in your head because you started gambling again. I know for myself, anything that I have to deal with during the worst if times has a little less “dark” on it if I’ve been able to abstain. Keep the fact that you are managing to stay gamble free in the back of your mind as a trophy and let it help guide you through the negative feelings that you are experiencing. It’s probably also a good thing that you stay as busy as possible when you are starting to have these feelings so that you won’t. Stay strong.
Good to see that you are trying to get help. It’s not too late to try to turn the tide if you are drowning but you need to recognize that you have to stop. It is as simple as not betting anymore, and I know that it is not simple at all, but you have to try to stop yourself by using whatever tools you have to motivate you to stop. If you auve someone whom you can tell and turn to in times when you are tempted, that is great. If you dont, joining a group if you can find one during covid is another one. Posting your daily progress here will help keep you honest and let you see that we all struggle. Using a daytimer or journal to track when and what triggers you to fail has worked for me in the past. You have started the journey down the right path now you just have to keep going in the right direction. We want to know; how are you and how have you done lately since your post?
Hey there jvr;
Reading your posts lends me to believe that you really have the cards stacked against you when it comes to addiction and recovery. It’s not an excuse. It sounds that, by your family history, you have a biological predisposition to addiction and that being the case, it’s almost written in the cards that addiction will be an issue in everyone’s life. It’s the same with mine. Both my grandmother and grandfather were addicts and my mother struggled as well. We were all smokers up until a decade ago (my entire family including aunts and uncles) and my nephew struggles as well with opioid addiction. We knew from a young age that we were predisposed because my mother received help and it was what they told her. We are all careful to avoid drugs and alcohol, except for special occasions. I never thought that gambling would be an issue, then found out my father has a bit of a gambling issue himself as well. It is never an excuse when it involves the brain and biochemistry but it gives us a bit of a break ( in our own minds perhaps) that we somehow were led to it by the hand. I hope that you are well and that your day let’s you see more of the good and less of the bad in your life.So funny, its sounds like I just wrote every word that you wrote about myself. I still get this weird feeling in my stomach when I think about going to a casino. I picture the foyer of my local like it was Disney land. The problem with people like us who seem to need the artificial stimuli of the slots and games is that it is really hard to replace with anything else. After a hard day at work my mind longs to have the “fun” of sitting back with my favorite games on my phone and playing “just a little”. I convince myself that it will only be for a while but it never turns out the way I planned. It’s like drugs, once you get the buzz you want to keep it going. I feel anxious when I know that I am going to have to stop playing and it almost feels like pain to my mind. It’s a hard thing to kick for sure but all addictions have their physical components to overcome. All you can do is make yourself accountable for what you do and deal qith the discomfort in the most reasonable way you can. Hope your day goes well.
You are not so different and part of the reason that you choose gambling is because it is a solitary activity. Normal gambling is/ can be a social activity but our kind is solitary. I cant say that I have really ever spoken to anyone when I was at a casino because I am so wrapped up in the process and the high that people are just annoyances and I actually get depressed watching them. I am sorry that your husband is not a support system but I can understand how he feels too since I have been on both sides of the spectrum. My nephew is /was an opioid addict. When we first found out we all said the same thing – he has to quit. His girlfriend ended up dying and we still just insisted that he had to quit. We had no idea of the depth of his addiction or the struggle to get clean. We just thought that he had to try harder to quit and that was that. It was like that when the realization of what he was hit us, it was his cue to quit and that was that. People can be a source of support but they can also be a reminder that we are not who we want to be. People can be the source of trauma if you were not treated well as a child, or alienation if you’ve been hurt. It’s not necessary to want to be around others but is necessary to be in their company from time to.time. I work with others 7 days a week and am quite social while there, but dont ask me to go out or visit once i am done. I barely answer my front door if someone knocks. Its who you are and feel fine with that. Gambling does enough to our self love so give yourself some room to heal from this and see where you are when you feel that you have more control. You might feel fine with the way things are and that’s ok.
I have no doubt that you are a good and warm person. I can hear it in your posts. I was only saddened and concerned about some of the darker leanings of your posts and wanted to try to tell you, without sounding hokey, that there is the possibility of hope and love with each day, but you need to be looking for it, hence, looking ahead. I am going through a dark period (and I am immensely positive, so this is an exceptional time) and I tried to find something or someone to blame for me not being like everyone else. I have had eating disorders, addictions and too many bad relationships to count, and I want to have an easy life, like all the other people around me. Or so I thought. It took me a while to see that my issues where mine, but other had there own. It seems like no one sails through life without a cross to bear. If I hadnt achieved what I had hoped it was because I hadnt tried as hard as others. If I didnt have a successful relationship it was because I either picked the wrong one or didnt try as hard as I should. It is me. I am the common denominator in all of my issues and I have truly started to believe that as a survivor of abuse I could survive anything that life had to offer, but was only in survival mode for way too long. At some point in my life I have to become responsible for myself but didnt take full responsibility for my choices or my actions. I am no longer the child that can be tormented and abused. I am no longer at the mercy of others. I can influence my life and direction by acknowledging my own power. You can too and it looks like you are. What was done to you most likely is a distant memory to those who inflicted the pain. Same here. They are most likely dead. I think it is time for me to put if all to rest as well and start taking responsibility for my life and my actions. I hope that you are strong today and that love touches your heart.
Money is the root of all evil they say and I tend to agree. I didnt gamble until I had some “to spare”. You see the depravity and decadence of those who have it at the casinos. It also is a life saver and i know those with money who do a lot of good with it. I guess it just all depends on how you let it affect you. I have never really had a whole lot of it and come from a family who struggled on and off for years due to various crises in our lives. We value it, save it and do not worship it. I understand how you may be feeling some sort of loathing towards the concept since its use is what got you hooked- like a drug, but it is our own warped sense of value that put us in the position to abuse it. I have more loathing for the casinos and the online sites for preying on those who have it than the actual money itself. I see that you are stagnating in a dark place at this point. You need to find something that gives you the hope that comes with being victorious. While you have never really beat an addiction, you have been victorious over many battles in the past and are continuing to do so daily. Life is a journey. The sites on your journey can be beautiful if you choose the right side of the car to look out of. You are looking out the window which shows you nothing but pain and anger from your past. That should be the rear view mirror. Always glance at where you’ve been so that you keep ahead of it, look ahead at what might be on the horizon so you are prepared for what’s coming, and most importantly, make time to see what you are in, slowing down to enjoy the beauty that is all around you. If you keep your eyes on the rear view too much you miss what lies all around you, and you will never have enough time to respond to what’s ahead until it’s too late. My past was a horror as well. Not like yours, but still a horror. I guess my strength was never letting it stop me from seeing what could lie ahead and I always took time to enjoy the life around me. It may also have been my downfall because I may have never truly dealt with some of the things that happen to me, and I am now trying (without much success) to fight my addiction. Perhaps you have to stop and see life for what it truly is. Your seeing it as a battle that you cannot win unless you conquer the demons of your past. You are in battle mode fighting memories. That is exhausting because you will never change your memory. Make new and happier memories that your mind can fill up on that will outnumber the bad. I know that you are wanting to change the situation you are in, and therapy is good to let you deal with some of the evils from your past that cause you to do things that are not healthy, but it is also not healthy to let those evils control your life now. You should have a long and happy journey ahead. Face it with hope and strength and it will be worth your while. I hope that you are strong and happy today.
It’s funny that we all talk about doing things “one day at a time” as if we have a choice. If I could do it, I would do this gambling therapy one week at a time, or one month at a time , so that I would be assured I would hit at least a 7 day gamble free mark in a row. Alas, I am like all other mortals and have no choice but to try this one day at a time as well. I read your post above and marvel that you are only 34. So much life lived, and such a hard one in such a short amount of time can be hard to make sense of. I feel that pain. I had that sort of life up until my mid twenties and then started to slow down in to my thirties. My gambling didn’t happen until my fifties and now I am starting to understand why. I didnt do as you are doing now, deal with all of the darkness that clouded my mind and heart. I buried it really deep. I always wanted to be that person who was so strong and logical that I made sense of it all on my mind. It happened in the past, so just let it go. People did what they did to me to hurt me and I wasnt going to let it, so I let it go. But I didn’t let it go. Like you, I have it somewhere in me and you cant grow anything good in ground that is contaminated. I have been told that I gamble to avoid thoughts and feelings that are difficult for my mind to process. Those things are 40 + years old and have been festering for so long that I dont think that I really want to take a look at them. Your healing is reassuring and maybe you will be the success story i need to hear about. I need to be whole, no matter how old i am, and so do you. We have control. We have to find it. We are no different than anyone else ,our minds just work a little differently. Let’s stop feeling like we don’t belong to the human race and join in on living life. It’s insane that all of those people out there who are not gambling addicts do not have an issue with avoiding casinos and gambling sites. What do they do instead? They live. They shop and hike. They read books and make dinner. They watch t.v. and knit. There are so many other things to do. Why cant we just do those things. The other day I started to bake nanaimo bars, sat down for a coffee, started to gamble and did nothing else for 6 hours. ????? What happened to me? Didnt finish the nanaimo bars. I need to tap into why my mind switches to gambling when I am otherwise engaged. You need to know that you are doing great, sounding great and doing the only thing that any human being can do, taking the struggle one day a time, like all good humans do.
I am so sorry to hear of your relapse as I just did as well and share in your feelings of shame and disappointment. It is funny to me that after I gamble, and lose it all of course, I cannot stand to see commercials on t.v. about any sort of finances, banks, savings or investments. I feel so targeted by them, like they are pointing out what a failure I am. My feelings toward everything to do with money and family are heightened for day afterwards. People I dont like seem to be more obvious to me, as if they know and are snickering at me. The shame can do weird things to your mind. I am sure that when you relapse as well all things must look at their worst, much more obvious and dark. Take a few days to readjust your mind so that what you have done doesn’t cloud your perception of reality. If you feel that you are now truly at your rock bottom at this point then “rise like a Phoenix from the ashes”. There is no reason why you cant be that success story that we all hear about. You are only 30 and have so many years left to fill with success. Why not make this the point where you mark ground zero and really see what you can build? If you feel that you can’t get any lower than the only way to go is up. That in itself should be a call to your sense of self preservation, a call to arms as it is. You can always make it so you dont lose everything once you start your way back by limiting your access and putting limits on how much cash you have access to. I dont put all of my money in the bank so I cant use it online. If I am at the point where i am going to be tempted i dont deposit a cheque until i am past the point where i will spend it all. Put money into an account where you dont have a bank card to withdraw it. There are things you can do to make it harder for you to gamble. Start a new system to do that instead of gamble. I, too, am at the day 2 mark but am not defeated quite yet. I had 6 really good days. I am determined to mark my 7th this week and am going to be extra vigilant to make sure that I can do so. There is nothing that we can do but try again. If we give up even trying then we are defeated. If we keep trying then we are fighting. Which one would you rather be?