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You are so right Charles. I used to look forward to the holidays with my daughter and family because it would be so great to see them, open presents, shop for them and make goodies that they would like. Gambling has taken away any and all excitement that I feel for any occasions. I will gamble on my days when I’m not working so that I dont want to go to family get togethers. I dont have money to buy the things that I used to or the time to shop or make things for my family. Occasions are reminders of what I have lost, or am losing. I see my family happy and doing well and I am fearful they will see the real me somehow. I want to be the clown that i used to be. I want to be fun and vibrant. I used to dress nicely, be attractive and happy. Now, if I even go to a family function, I barely even shower. What has become of me? What has gambling taken from me that I can get back? MY LIFE. THATS WHAT! I am feeling more anger at it today than I ever have before and it is because of your dentist. Gambling has taken any semblance of a normal life and turned me into a functional -albeit sloppy – addict and I need to dig deeper than I have been to find the anger at what i have lost – not money only- but life itself. Thanks Charles for your inciting post.
I can relate. I was doing well yesterday then sat down for a bit to relax. Nothing on t.v. so I picked up the computer and it was shit from there. I should know the signs but I still get sucked in. I have gamban on my computer but actually found sites that fall under their radar and was playing on that one. I actually had an email come through from the gt app while I was playing and I ignored it. I didn’t even want to get up this morning because I was so disgusted with myself I slept until 7. For me that’s like others sleeping until noon. I need to find another focus for my down time that is doable at this point and wont leave me exhausted. I have tried cleaning my house but because I work 2 jobs, I need rest time too. I hope that we can both start today as a day one again and post daily to encourage each other. I hope today finds you stronger and renewed in your attempts to stay gamble free
Well done! I hope that you are achieving all that you set out to do. You are an inspiration to us all.
I’m glad that your journey is being so enlightening on a daily basis and using new outlets for your resurgence back into a healthy life grown from bad experiences continues. I just hope that when life ceases to be some troublesome that you will still find strength. It can be addictive to just survive chaos. I did that for most of my early years having been in foster care for a time, and when things began to quiet down for me and I got myself on my feet, I found that I continued to look for some sort of chaos because fighting was all that I knew. It brought me into some weird relationships and situations and, in retrospect, I should have seen it coming. It is great to be able to fight your way out of a bad situation but it is equally as important to be able to be able to ride the calm seas as well. I know that it was an issue for me and continues to this day. It is perhaps one of the many reasons why I gamble and I hope that you do not find yourself at odds when it happens. Hope that you have a great day today.
You truely are an inspiration. To keep looking at all that is right in your life instead of dwelling on the bad is the mind set of a true survivor. I try to just get by each day and have been living like that for too long. All my day revolves around not gambling, and while that is taking a step in the right direction, I need to take a better path. I dont want to just exist anymore with abstinence as my sole directive. Yesterday taught me that, while I am still vulnerable to the urges, I need to look at my life with more rigorous scrutiny. I need to be living and achieving more than just not gambling and I hope that the course I begin to take, which will hopefully fill up my life with better energy, will help steer me on a better, easier path to abstinence. I hope this day finds you with hope, strength and a smile. I face today with all of the same.
Think of yourself as doing some luxury camping…. I hope that my brain will be able to turn off it like yours at some point soon and I sympathize with your situation, as being without water would make anyone feel vulnerable. Can you not get a new water heater soon? If you can’t leave you may as well hunker down and make the situation you are in as comfortable as you can. Tenant situations can be horrible and hard to end, so make it easier on yourself by making your nest back up and letting other things happen. The feeling of no control will drive you nuts, so get rid of the burden that you are putting on yourself and make it a move when you can, not because you have to situation. Great job at not losing your %^it.
There is always the fear of something going wrong that seems to be so much more pronounced when you are a gambler. It’s like you are betting your existence and playing the odds ( quite literally I suppose) and one more unknown can be overwhelming. I live with that day to day at this point. I am always afraid of the furnace quitting or a/c or the fridge or…. I live in a constant state of panic. Since being gamble free for only 11 days it has lessened and I think for you it should have too. You sound grounded, organized and able to cope. Look at this as a good thing to reaffirm that you are now able to cope and that your road, while not always a smooth one, will be easier to travel. Keep up the great work.